American Love Songs (22 page)

“Are we going to have to talk about this?” Parker asked at length.

Jake got his legs under him and ran the water in the sink, cupping his hands under the cold running water and splashing it on his face. He needed a cold shower and possibly a sedative. “I think weve done enough talking for one day,” he said. “Actually, if we could never talk about this again, that would be good.”

There was another long silence. “If thats what you want,” Parker said at last.

It wasnt, but right now Jake was pretty sure it was as close as he was ever going to get. “It is,” he assured him, tugging up the hem of his T-shirt to dry his face. He hoped he didnt get snot all over it.

“Alright, then.”

For a few beats, the tension in the room was almost too much to bear. Then Jake took a deep, cleansing breath, feeling his chest and shoulders unknot at last. He could do this, he reminded himself. It wasnt going to be all that different now than it had been when he was in love with Parker and didnt know it.

Now he just had to reconcile himself to the fact that Parker didnt love him back. No problem.

“So can I maybe borrow your blog?” Parker asked tentatively. The color was returning to his cheeks, but it was blotchy, and his eyes were kind of red. Jake resolutely did not even attempt to rationalize a reason for that. “Apparently I have some splaining to do.”

“That was really awful,” Jake said offhandedly, but he smiled a little, though it felt fragile on his face. “Sure, go nuts. Just clear it with Mike before you say anything thats going to get me in trouble, okay?”

“Why would you get into trouble?”

“Because nobody wants to believe anything bad about you,” Jake retorted. It wouldnt be the first time. “You are the poster child for innocence and Im the bad boy. Thats how it is.”

“Yeah, youre definitely a bigger bad boy than Chris. Knocking up the roadies is a surefire way to get on the „nice list.”

Grinning sickly, Jake pointed out, “Yeah, well, it takes two to fail to use a condom.” With the banter back, it was easier to keep the ground steady beneath his feet, and thankfully Chris and Jimmy refrained from commenting when he rejoined them in the living room. He flopped down onto the couch and was immediately handed a controller for the Xbox and a beer. Yeah, his friends were the best.

“You want pizza or Chinese?” Jimmy asked, phone in one hand. Jake didnt really want pizza, having seen his lunch so recently, so he made a face. “Chinese. Ooh, can you get extra fortune cookies?”

Jimmy rolled his eyes, while Chris took advantage of Jakes distraction and blew him up. As he tried to get his head back in the game, he remained cautiously optimistic. He could hear Parker talking to Mike on his cell phone in the kitchen, interspersed with the periodic tapping of borrowed laptop keys, and the curled-up little ball of angst inside him eased a little. It felt like the end of the world right now, but it could only get better.

It had to.
Interlude
W
HENit didnt get better, Jake went to Plan B. “Okay, I know youre on maternity leave or whatever, but I need help.”

“Or whatever” encompassed a wide range of things. He was pretty sure she wasnt fired, but that didnt mean she hadnt quit. She was pretty pissed, and probably hurt too. Jake wanted to say that theyd tried to warn her, but, well. They could have reminded her a little before it was too late.

On the other end, Allanna snorted. “Well, admitting you have a problem is the first step.” She paused. “Whats wrong, honey?”

Jake didnt even know where to begin. “I did something really, really stupid.” On the other hand, that was a pretty good place to start. He cringed, feeling like a kid who had broken his mamas favorite family heirloom.

“Oh my God. You slept with Parker, didnt you?”

Jake didnt even have time to wonder how the hell she had come to that conclusion, because a heavy sigh wafted down the line to him. “Hold that thought, baby. Ill be right back. Your singers hellspawn is stepping on my bladder.”

Sometimes Allanna knew just the right things to say to remind him that his life could always be worse.

 

“Okay, Im back,” Allanna said a short time later. “Hopefully the little monsters done with the circus act for the night. Now, details.” Jake groaned. “How did you know?”

 

“Dont make me laugh. Seriously, Ill have to go again. You dont know what its like.”

 

“Im
being
serious!”

There was a distinct pause. It had character. It was the kind of character that raised its eyebrows in apparent disbelief. Jake shifted uncomfortably. “You seriously dont know how I knew? Jake, people in
China
know!”

“Know
what
?” Jake demanded.
“How in love with Parker you are!”

Jake peeled his handset away from his face incredulously and gave it a stern glare. “Someone could have
told
me,” he finally said, feeling and sounding both miserable and pathetic.

“Oh, honey, I knew you were dumb, but this was beyond my expectations.” Jake wanted to take offense at that, because he really wasnt—top of his class all through high school and for the short time hed attended college before joining the band, as well—but the evidence kind of spoke for itself. “What happened?”

“Have you been keeping up on the news at all?”

“Like theres anything else to do when youre eight thousand months pregnant,” Allanna scoffed. “So Parkers gay. And despite his claim that you are still not sleeping together, which makes no sense, I smell a story. So. Details.”

Jake flushed, though there was no one there to see him, and threw himself back onto the mess of pillows piled up on his bed. “Its— actually, theres embarrassingly little to tell.”

“Now that
is
disappointing,” she sighed. “I mean I always thought hed be proportional, at least.”

“Allanna! That is not what I meant!”
“So hes proportional, then?”
He growled into the phone. “I hate you.”

“You love me, and whats more, you need my expert opinion, although I gotta tell you, if youre looking for advice on how to pine gracefully, you probably want to look elsewhere.”
⁴¹

“Ill keep that in mind.” Jake felt a headache of monstrous proportions coming on. “Okay, so, you know that photo shoot Parker did a while back?”

“The one where he wore the earths luckiest pair of jeans?”

“Are you lusting after the object of my affections? Because thats going to make this conversation even more incredibly uncomfortable.” The description was pretty apt, however. “Yeah, thats the one.”

“Jake, that was months ago.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“And youre calling me about it now.”

Jake confessed, “I didnt realize I was in love with him until it was way too late. I thought I could deal with it, that I could handle it without letting on, but obviously I had a moment of weakness. Things were awkward for a while, and now… we kind of had a long discussion which basically culminated in him telling me to back off and announcing his displeasure with the way I declared my intention to romance him to the Internet.”

“That
was
a douchey move.”
“I didnt know I was serious!”

“So is he pissed at you for wanting his body, or pissed at you for wanting his body in the way you usually go about wanting somebodys body?”

The headache prevented complete comprehension. “What?”

“Youre kind of a slut, Jake. Is he mad at you because you wont take no for an answer, or because he thinks youre going to love him and leave him?”

⁴¹
Allanna was rather more self-aware than Jake (though she had made some of the same poor life choices, i.e. Chris).

Great, something else to agonize over. Jake muffled a frustrated sound in one of the pillows. “Its not like it matters! Hes never going to believe that I want more with him, anyway.”

“Okay, now I really need to hear the story.”

Jake sighed, staring up at the ceiling. “Alright. So I watched the photo shoot, and, before that day—its not like I didnt notice Parker was hot, okay? Everyone noticed. Just—he looked really good that day, you know, even though they covered up his freckles. I was going to be fine keeping my hands to myself, though, I mean, it was kind of not the right place. I had just hightailed it back to the dressing room and got myself under control when Parker showed up.”

“And?”

 

He squirmed uncomfortably. “Youre enjoying this way too much, arent you?”

 

“Honey, I havent been laid in eight long months. Do you know what pregnancy hormones do to your libido?”

“No, and please dont tell me.” He made a face. “So anyway, Parker walked in just as I was getting ready to walk out. We practically ran right into each other. Hed been through makeup, so that crap was off his face and he looked normal again, and he was still wearing those jeans, and I just….”

“Go on,” Allanna encouraged. She sounded way too interested, but it wasnt like he had anyone else he could talk to about this.

There wasnt really a delicate way to describe what happened next, so Jake took a deep breath and just cut to the chase. “So then I pushed him up against the wall and kissed him until he, uh, until he….” Okay, he couldnt quite get the words out, and that was probably not such a bad thing, since Parker would have been well within his rights to kill him for it.

“Oh my God. In those….”

 

“Please dont ask me to answer that,” Jake said miserably, feeling a flush creep up the back of his neck.

“Jesus, thats hot. And then what happened?”
“Then Jimmy came in, and Parker ran and hid in the bathroom.” “Wait, so you didnt…?”
“No.”
“Well, that sucks.”
“You dont know the half of it.”
“What about after that?”
Jake braced himself. “What about it?”

There was another one of those characterizable silences. This one was kind of hairy, and it had its arms crossed. “You never talked about it again.”

“By unspoken agreement,” he admitted, nodding uselessly.

“How do the lot of you even function without me around?” Allanna sighed. “None of you are stupid. Its like the manual to your brains is written in another language or something. It works fine, it just doesnt make any sense.”

“We are pretty pathetic.” Mostly, they sat around and ate too much takeout. Occasionally, Jimmy cooked; he liked to cook, and he was good at it, so no one discouraged him. Unfortunately, that meant someone had to do the dishes afterward, which almost always resulted in an Xbox tournament to determine the unlucky chap, but then they got distracted and had horror movie marathons. By the time they actually got to the dishes, the food was cemented on. “Chris misses you.”

“Jake—”

“Sorry, sorry, I didnt mean for that to come out like it sounded.” He winced. If it got out that he said anything, theyd kill him together, differences be damned. “Hes just, I dont know, been kind of mopey. It could just be the comedown from the tour, though.” Even though the tour had ended two months ago.

“Im sure thats probably what it is.” Allannas tone brooked no argument. Jake wasnt really stupid enough to get into it with her, anyway. “Back to the subject at hand. What are you going to do?”

Jake sighed heavily, because that was her department. “This thing where I call you and ask you for advice—which part of it is it, exactly, that confuses you?”

“You watch your mouth, mister. I dont have to listen to your attitude.”

 

“Wow, that was a pretty good mom-voice.”

“Was it? Thanks, Ive been practicing.” There was a rustle on the other end; Jake imagined her rearranging her plump, pregnant self on whatever piece of furniture happened to be closest at hand. “I guess what you should do depends on what you want. You want everything to go back the way it was, maybe you should take the next couple weeks, go somewhere without him. Give yourself time to get some perspective.”

Jake swallowed hard, thinking about it. The week away had helped a lot last time—another two or three would go a long way toward restoring the status quo. Hed considered it, thought about heading somewhere hed never been, maybe go skiing or see Europe or spend some time at the beach. The idea didnt hold a whole lot of appeal without someone to share it with.
⁴²
A week had been fine, but…. “Yeah, okay, next option?”

“Keep on doing what youre doing. You can keep your business and pleasure separate, right? Sooner or later, youre bound to get over him. You just have to tough it out until then.”

That option was only marginally more appealing. Jake felt like he was going out of his skin already, and it had only been two weeks. “Is the third option slitting my wrists?”

“Dont even joke,” Allanna said sharply. “Jesus, Jake. Get a grip on yourself. What is it that you want out of this, exactly?”

That was the trouble, really. Jake knew exactly what he wanted, but he was afraid that saying it aloud would make it that much more unattainable. His mouth went dry, and he rubbed the skin under one eye desperately, hating Allanna a little bit for being so damn good at this.

⁴²
“Someone” being Parker.

 

“You remember health class when you were a kid, Jake?” Allanna segued randomly.

 

“What?”

 

“Health class. Didnt your teacher sit you all down, tell you to repeat the words out loud? Intercourse, penis, vagina….”

 

Jake was so lost. “Where is this going?”

 

There was a disgruntled huff through the speaker. “If youre not mature enough to say it, youre not mature enough to do it.”

That was a valid point. Jake mustered his willpower, but there just werent words for everything he wanted. He summed it up as best he could. “I want to keep him, Allanna.”

Unmistakably, there was pride in her voice when she spoke again. He thought she might even be a little choked up, but he was sure as hell not going to call her on it. He wasnt
that
stupid. “Thats my boy. Now, howre you gonna do it?”

“Isnt this the part where you give me advice?” With no idea where to begin, Jake was overwhelmed by the task. He hadnt really gone about trying to be someones boyfriend since high school, and that hadnt ended well; those few months of college and the years afterward had essentially been a series of one-night stands, though hed occasionally made an exception for a long weekend. It was new and petrifying territory, and he was concerned that he wouldnt be very good at it.