Amphibian (13 page)

The Gorach scientist used an electric cane to get Kloop onto the soul-weighing machine. The machine churned and churned and finally said Kloop's total weight was 513 kilograms and the weight of his body parts was 512.955 kilograms. This meant that his soul weighed .005 kilograms. ‘See!' said the Gorach scientists. ‘Just a puny soul, so small it doesn't even count.'

The Gorach scientists then weighed the souls of the Digging Robin, the Electric Cat and many other Reull animals. Each creature's soul weighed less than .006 kilograms, which made the Gorach scientists and leaders very happy.

‘But,' said the Bothersome Gorachs, ‘you haven't weighed any Gorach souls with this new machine – so how do we know that those souls are heavier?'

This question was never answered because the Gorach scientists just laughed and said it was a silly question asked by very silly Bothersome Gorachs.

After this story I drew a picture of the Gorach scientists weighing the souls of the other animals of Reull.

It's now 10:25 p.m., and I can't sleep. But if I stay in my own bed without getting up to tell my mother that I'm worried, or without getting up in the middle of the night and going into my mother's bed, I will get a loonie. That's what I picked off the list that Dr. Barrett gave my mother. The list had lots of things on it:

Money

Playing checkers

Playing with friends

Swimming

Working with clay

Piano lessons

Singing

Getting a hug or a kiss

Reading

Getting new clothes

Setting the table

Making the bed

Doing the dishes

The reason I remember the first three is because they are things I like. Before my dad and mom got separated, my dad and I used to play checkers a lot, although our favourite game was chess. I remember the fourth one because I'm taking swimming lessons so that I don't drown. I really wish I had a swim bladder like a rockfish. A swim bladder is an organ full of gas that helps the fish swim. The problem is when rockfish are brought to the surface too quickly, the swim bladder can overexpand and burst. This makes the swim bladder push the fish's stomach out its mouth and the intestine out its butt.

I remember the last three things on Dr. Barrett's list because I think it's really weird that some kids would like to set the table or do the dishes for a reward. I thought those ones were just jokes. If my mother said I could do the dishes if I slept in my own bed, I would never sleep in my own bed again – not even when I'm twenty or thirty and have stunted social development
like Uncle John has. I don't know why I remember the ones in the middle.

I chose money as my reward, even though what I'm really hoping is that they'll let me watch the Green Channel again if I can sleep on my own – but for now, I'll take the money.

So far, I've been able to stay in my own bed only once in the last five nights. That was last night. That was because yesterday I didn't go to bed until 11 p.m., which is two hours past my bedtime. My mother was being given an award at a meeting for journalists and I got to go as her date. When I finally got to bed, I started to worry about Cuddles and how there are only a few days to go before we rescue him and how I am so worried that something will go wrong. But I must have been really tired because then I fell asleep.

I like it when my mother lets me go out with her as her date. A few other times she had real dates with men. I know this because I heard her talk about it to her friend Jill. I've never met any of those men but I know I wouldn't like them. I was afraid she might have another date with Brent, who is the worst of all. But she must have listened to me when I told her that he upset my homeostatis.

I figure the times that she puts on makeup are when she has a date. Human females are weird like that. All throughout the animal kingdom it's usually the male who tries to attract the female and not the other way around. Male gorillas prance and hoot and beat their chests, male lizards do push-ups, male hippos pee and do a propeller twist to spread it all around and white-fronted parrot males regurgitate food into the mouths of females they like. In most of the animal kingdom, it's up to the male to show the female that he's the strongest and the healthiest and that mating with him would make for healthy children.

I'm pretty sure my mom could get a man without trying a bit. But since she already has a healthy child – me – there's no need for her to look for a mate. There's still my father, after all.

I say that because last Christmas my dad took me to the market to get my mom a present and when we were looking at scarves, he suggested a bluish green one because it would go well
with her lovely eyes. Those were his words – he said ‘her lovely eyes.' I think he still loves her, and that's half the way to a couple. My mom doesn't say those sorts of things about my dad, but maybe she's just hiding it. Or maybe her love is way down deep in a part of her mind that she isn't even aware of yet.

Since I stayed in my bed all night last night, my mother was really happy this morning and a loonie was waiting next to my breakfast. She said, ‘Phin, you did it, I knew you could.' I was happy that she was so happy and decided I would try to stay in my own bed tonight too.

I tried but I just couldn't do it, though. I got up out of bed and told my mother that I couldn't sleep because I was worried about Cuddles. Then all of a sudden, just like that, she was back to her new normal – mad at me. She said, ‘For the love of God, Phin, stop! Just stop!'

‘But, Mom, Cuddles –' I said.

‘Phineas! Cut it out! YOU'RE DRIVING ME FREAKING CRAZY!' She screamed so loud that Fiddledee ran out of the kitchen and hid under the living room table.

I was going to give her a hint as to what Bird and I had planned but when she said that, I felt the anger pressure move up my throat and words that I knew I shouldn't say came out my mouth like water out of a firehose. I won't repeat them, but some of them had to do with reproduction. I went back to my bedroom and now I'm just going to lie here all night thinking and worrying.

My mother might be able to control what I do, but she can't control my thoughts. Come to think of it, she can't even control all of what I do. Mission Amphibian is only three days away.

Today I saw Dr. Barrett yet again. Just like the other times, the first thing he said after we sat down was, ‘Is there anything you'd like to talk about today?' This time I was ready for him.

Before I went to see him, I made up a list of things I wanted to talk about. I figured that having a list would prevent him from
getting around to the things I really didn't want to talk about. I pulled out my list. The things I wrote down were:

1. Why don't we get water-logged when we're in water, just like a piece of bread?

2. Would you rather be bad and have everyone think that you're good, or be good and have everyone think that you're bad?

3. Why do I sneeze when I look at the bright sky but my mother doesn't?

I didn't put anything about animals on my list because I didn't want him to be reminded to talk to me about the things I didn't want to talk about.

I asked Dr. Barrett the first question and he said, ‘Hmm. I have no idea about that one, Phin. Sorry.'

So then I asked him the second one, and he said he'd rather be good and have everyone think that he's bad. I think he's doing a better job at being bad and having everyone think he's good. At least he's got my mother fooled.

Dr. Barrett changed the subject before I got to the third question. He said, ‘Phin, how about we talk about how you've been feeling the last few days? Feeling any better?'

‘No,' I said. ‘Even though I haven't been able to watch the Green Channel, I'm pretty sure the whole earth situation hasn't gotten any better.'

Dr. Barrett said, ‘Phin, you and I can't do much about a lot of what happens in the world – we can't change the world, but what we can change is our reactions to everything so that we feel calmer and healthier.'

That didn't make any sense. Humans made the mess, so it only makes sense that we can unmake the mess – it's not like undoing the laws of physics or something.

I sighed a long sigh, in through my nose and out through my mouth, just like Dr. Barrett taught me. Then I said, ‘I'm just so tired of everyone lying to me.'

‘Who lies to you, Phin?' said Dr. Barrett, a little surprised.

I didn't say anything.

‘Can we talk about that, Phin?' said Dr. Barrett.

I shook my head no. I didn't want to say more until I thought more about it.

‘Okay,' said Dr. Barrett, ‘but I would like you to write down examples of what you mean by that for next week. Will you do that for me?'

I nodded my head, but I would like to give Dr. Barrett some homework to do too. My homework for him would be to make a list of why he thinks I shouldn't worry. I think he's one of those people who doesn't want to know what he doesn't know.

Before I left, Dr. Barrett taught me some more relaxation exercises. I think that if that man were any more relaxed he'd be dead.

I started a Lie List last night, and at school today, I added two things to it. The first one came in language arts class when Mrs. Wardman read us a story about Terry Fox. He was a teenager who ran across Canada to raise money for cancer research. He had cancer and only one leg, but he still ran because he believed he could make a difference.

After the story, a police officer came into our class to tell us about Cops for Cancer, which means some of the police officers in the city are going to have their heads shaved to raise money for cancer. Then the police officer and Mrs. Wardman talked about how one person can change the world and that it's important to believe that.

At the end when we all got to ask a question if we wanted, Gordon asked if some of the police officers would be fired once their hair was shaved because wouldn't that make them shorter? The police officer said that wouldn't happen because police don't have to be a certain height anymore.

I had a question, but I didn't ask it. I wanted to know why it was called Cops
for
Cancer. Shouldn't it be called Cops
Against
Cancer? I didn't ask my question because the police officer had to leave just before it was my turn.

After the cop left, I got out my list and added number four. This is what my list looks like so far:

1. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, etc. etc.

I put
etc. etc
. because there are lots of other creatures that are just made up but that little kids are told are real. I think that's just plain mean. One morning when I was six, I woke up with a scratch on my face and thought the Tooth Fairy must have done it to me when she was reaching under my pillow for my tooth. I wasn't sure if it was an accident or something she did on purpose. That gave me the creeps big time. This makes me not so sure there's a God. I can't trust the information I'm getting.

2. There's no such thing as a ghost.

Not true. I've been visited by four and I've only been alive for nine years. One was a ghost cat who used to jump on the end of my bed at night. I could feel his footsteps right up to my head and then he'd jump back down and disappear.

3. It's going to be okay.

4. One person can't change the world.

I added that to my Lie List because Dr. Barrett said we can't change the world. But Mrs. Wardman and the cop said that one person can change the world.

I think it's more likely that Dr. Barrett is wrong because I figure everyone changes the world every day. For example, if Gordon kills the spider that has its web in the corner of the window, then that spider won't be able to eat all the fruit flies that hang around the rotting banana in Kaitlyn's desk and that would mean more fruit flies in this world. This would mean Gordon changed the world all by himself. It also means that everything happens for a reason.

This got me to wondering about the weight of the earth. If all the spiders on earth went extinct, they wouldn't be able to eat
insects. This would be a huge problem because the weight of insects eaten by spiders each year is more than the weight of all the people on the earth. Would this mean that the earth would weigh more and more each year?

I thought about this for a while, but then I realized that it wouldn't. That's because when spiders eat insects, they get heavier for a little while until they poop out what their bodies don't need. This keeps all the weight in balance. And besides, those insects have to come from something organic and there's only so much organic stuff on the earth. I figure even though it changes form all the time, the weight of it likely stays about the same.

But then I got thinking about how meteors fall onto the earth from outer space. That weight is added to the earth's weight every year. And also, people are removing helium from underground and putting it in balloons that burst. This allows the helium to float out of the earth's atmosphere. Do these two things mean the earth is getting heavier and heavier? If it is, will this knock it off its orbit around the sun someday? But then I figured this won't likely happen for millions of years. And besides, I have more important things to worry about.

After language arts class, we had French class, and that's when I caught lie number five. Mrs. Reid came back to school after being sick for a month. She told us that she had been in hospital with a blood clot in the vein of her left leg. She said that she was put on medicine to make the clot dissolve but that she had to be very careful over the next few months because if it went to her heart or brain, she could be in big trouble. Then she told us that if she all of a sudden stopped talking or fell on the floor, one of us should run to the front office and tell somebody right away. Kaitlyn volunteered to be the one who ran to the office. She's short and can run fast. I figure that's because her brain is closer to her legs. Then Mrs. Reid said, ‘But don't worry, I'm fine.'