An Officer but No Gentleman (26 page)

30

It was 7:00
o’clock in the morning when Jaxon heard the knocking at his front door. He’d barely stepped out of the tub and had only a towel wrapped around himself. Jaxon cursed and for one moment wished he employed some sort of servant who could answer the door. Jaxon threw on a dressing robe and hurried down the stairs cursing whoever would call at such an ungodly hour as the devil himself and a scoundrel. Soaking had done little to alleviate the pain in his leg and now having to face the stairs an extra time irked him.

“Who in their right mind k
nocks on someone’s door at 7:00 o’clock in the morning?” Jaxon shouted as he angrily flung open the door.

“I’m obviously not in my right mind or I wouldn’t be here at all.”

“Charlie, uh.”

“I’m sorry, I know it’s early. I just wanted to catch you at home so I could get my boo
ts. This pair is too small and...”

Jaxon stepped back allowing her entrance. “Come on up,” he said indicating the stairs with a flourish of his hand, knowing if she didn’t go upstairs to get them herself, he’d have to face the stairs yet one more time to bring them down.

Charlie hesitated. She knew it was improper, but it wasn’t as if she was going to allow anything to happen. She also knew Jaxon wasn’t the sort of man to force himself on a woman. With a slight sigh of resignation, Charlie climbed the stairs. She was nearly to the top when she turned to speak to Jaxon and saw him holding his leg and grimacing as he slowly climb the stairs behind her.

“What’s wrong with your leg?”

“It’s just that old injury acting up.” He didn’t want to tell her he it was because of their near fall on the dance floor for fear that she would feel he blamed her.

“Would you like me to massage it for you?” Charlie offered.

Yes
.

“No.”

“I don’t mind. I know it always helped.”

Jaxon did not miss the subdued tone of her voice or the lack of fire in her eyes. He could tell their estrangement was as hard on her as it was on him. There was a part of him that wanted to bundle her up in his arms and tell her he would make everything all right. All he wanted at that moment was take her pain away
, but everything had gone so far astray that he doubted he could set them back on the path.

“I’ve been soaking it in the hot bath.”

Charlie shrugged. “It doesn’t look like soaking it is helping,” she said from the landing waiting for him to catch up.

It’s not.

“I thought I would take Jimmy’s clothes and wash them so they can be returned your Aunt Pru.”

“I’ll just have Vinnie wash them.” Jaxon said gruffly. He didn’t want any further encounters with her if he could help it.

A slight smile emerged on Charlie’s face. “I was just going to have Benjy wash them. Then I was going to move the buttons back.”

“Charlie, it doesn’t matter. It’s not as if Jimmy will wear them again. Aunt Pru will probably give them to Levi since he could make use of them.”

She nodded her acquiescence.

“Would you like to keep his sweater? I think Aunt Pru would want you to have it. What you did for him touched her deeply.”

Charlie had never told anyone how much she envied the men who wore the thick wool sweaters. It wasn’t about warmth; her father had always seen to it that she wore heavy wool pea coats. But the colorful sweaters, knitted by someone who loved them, symbolize something Charlie would never have.

“Perhaps, if you asked your aunt first.”

In Charlie’s case, it wouldn’t be the same, but if Aunt Pru let her have it, she would cherish it as much as any of the men cherish theirs.

“I’ll just get my boots and go,” Charlie said as she entered his bedroom and crossed to the wardrobe where she had left them. She opened the door and was struck by a rainbow of color. She stared at the dresses and a lump rose in her throat. Tears sprang to her eyes and flowed freely down her face. She remembered her excitement over the gowns and dresses, how they had run to the dressmaker’s shop before it closed the day they got there, and how beautiful she felt when she wore them. Gingerly, she reached out and touched the silks.

“Do you want me to have them packed up in a trunk for you?”

Charlie shook her head.  “I can’t keep them.”

“Of course you can. They’re already paid for and sewn. You haven’t even worn half of them yet.”

“I-I’ve decided to put the ship in dry dock and replace the crew when the refit is finished.”

“You’re going back to pretending you’re a man?”

She
nodded because couldn’t say the word aloud. Pretending to be a man had been a prison of sorts and she could not face going back to that life. “Maybe the dresses can be altered to fit your sisters.”

Charlie closed her eyes and took a deep shaky breath through her mouth. It wasn’t until that moment that Jaxon realized she was crying.

“Charlie…?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to see the gowns. I should have sent Benjy after the boots.”

Jaxon remembered how she had cried over Imelia’s dress and her silk stockings. She had never wanted to pretend to be a boy. No one had asked her. They just started dressing her that way, she had said.

And now she was going back to that life because it was all she knew.

“Charlie, you don’t have to do that.”

Charlie grabbed the boots and closed the wardrobe doors. Suddenly, she dropped to the floor to change her boots because she couldn’t bear the thought of sitting on his bed to change them. She took half a second to dry her face on her sleeve before she began pulling off her old boots.

“It doesn’t matter,” she murmured as much to herself as to him.

“Yes, baby, it does.”

“Jaxon, I can’t keep them. Do you have any idea what would happen to me if I were to get caught with those?” If they don’t figure out I’m a woman, they will make certain assumptions that could get me hurt.”

“Keep one. L
ock it up in your quarters and….”

“And what? Put it on when I’m feeling sorry for myself? What if we got an all hands call while I’m wearing it? Hell, Jaxon, I haven’t slept without my uniform on since I was a kid for fear of being called on deck in the middle of the larboard watch.”

Charlie shoved her feet into her boots and rose to her feet. As she headed to the door, Jaxon’s hand snaked out and grabbed her arm.

“I’ve changed my mind. Is the offered to massage my leg still open? It really hurts like the devil.”

In truth, having her touch him was the second to last thing he wanted. Having her leave, was the last.

Charlie hesitated
, but nodded. He released her then moved to the bed. After propping the pillows, he sat down. As Jaxon moved the robe to reveal his leg, he remembered he only had a towel on under his robe.

“Let me go put on my unmentionables. You caught me stepping out of the tub when you knocked.”

“Don’t bother on my account. It’s not as if I haven’t seen you naked before.”

Jaxon paused,
but leaned back, pushing the towel between his legs to shield her view.

Charlie pressed the heels of her hands into his thigh and began her massage.”

“Jayne came to see me last night—actually she came to see you to work on wedding plans.”

Charlie momentarily paused in her ministrations. “Was she relieved that she wouldn’t have to be my maid of honor?” Her eyes met his for a moment.

“She’s so shy that’s what I would’ve thought, too. But she was mad and gave me quite a lecture.”

“She did?” A sad smile lifted Charlie’s lip momentarily.

“Aye, she thinks since it’s my second broken engagement, I’ve not only wrecked my only chance of ever marrying, but I’ve destroyed hers as well.”

“You know I don’t know enough about land rules to grasp why she would think so.”

“Because I’ve ruined your reputation by having you stay here with me and not marrying you. It reflects on my corrupt morals and, according to Jayne, if it’s true of one Bloodworthy, it must be true of us all.”

As her hands found a particularly sore spot, Jaxon winced and leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

“She called me a villain for ruining you and doesn’t think you grasp the implications of being a fallen woman.”

Had Jaxon been looking at her, he would have seen her swallow reflexively as she fought to keep the lump out of her throat.

“I probably don’t. But since I am not a land girl, my damaged reputation will stay here in Chimerical Cove. As I said, I do not see marriage in my future so no one will know my shame.”

He hated hearing her refer to their lovemaking as her shame. He grabbed her by the arms, bringing his face close to hers. “I’m sorry, but I cannot let you do this, Charlie. I will not let you go back to a life you hate. I have taken your innocence and I will live up to my obligation.”

Charlie rankled at the use of the word
obligation
. In a blink of an eye, she freed herself from his grasp and stood up. “I will not marry you, Jaxon.”

“Think about it, Charlie. If you marry me you can have your dresses. You won’t have to sack the men who were loyal to you. It will feel like firing your family.”

“They are not my family. Their loyalty shifts with the sea.”

I am alone.

“And apparently yours does as well.”

Charlie stood with her feet wide and her arms across her chest. “You will tell me what you mean by that.”

Jaxon flung his legs over the side of the bed and rose to his feet. “Your men killed for you and came after you and you will repay them by casting them out on their asses. Tell me, do you intend to at least keep Morty?”

“He doesn’t have the ability to keep a secret. He would forget himself and refer to me as
she
.”

“You would go aboard a ship with no one to protect you? What if you are found out? Do you think being the owner is armor against rape?”

“I will be safe as long as no one knows.”

“Charlie, you are a fool if you think you can keep your secret forever. You were on my ship for only a few hours when we found out. You are lucky we had no ill-intent.”

“What would you have me do?”

“Marry me.”

“You are the one who broke off our engagement. You said you don’t love me.”

Jaxon’s brow lowered. He couldn’t explain that he felt the same as he did
, but he didn’t know if it was love.

“At this point
, love should not even factor into it, Charlie,” Jaxon said trying to be calm and reasonable. “If your father were alive, he would insist upon it.”

“I have my ship to think of.” Charlie grasped at any excuse.  She knew the ship didn’t need her further than hiring a captain
, but she could not face the reality of admitting he had no love for her and marriage with only her loving him was as wretched a prison as the living as a man.

“People all over the world own ships that th
ey hire captains to sail,” he said. “You will be no different.”

“It’s all so black and white for you,” she said simply.

Charlie held her bottom lip between her teeth as she looked into the face of the man she loved. His handsome visage looked back at her with compassion in his steely blue eyes, his eyebrows coming up and together.

Gently, he tugged at her lip with his thumb until she released it.

“Charlie,” Jaxon whispered as he lowered his mouth to hers. He kissed her in short pecks at first, each kiss getting progressively longer until he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. His tongue made tentative forays between her lips until her tongue met his. He pulled her against his body holding her tightly, as if he didn’t want to let her go. He couldn’t get her close enough.

“I want you,” he murmured. “God help me, I still want you.”

She wanted him, too, but she’d never admit it, not when he said he didn’t love her.

Jaxon slid his hand down until he reached the curve of her bottom. His hand explored the firm shape of it and he heard her soft gasp as his hand followed the crevice between her legs towards the sensitive nub. Perhaps if he could bring her to the brink, he could convince her to do the right thing. He continued kissing her, touching her over her clothing in all the places he knew he shouldn’t until her breath came in quick, shallow pants and she began pulling at his dressing robe.

“Baby, I can’t,” Jaxon breathed as she ground her body into his erection. “I can’t make love to you unless I know you’ll let me make it right.”

His mouth may have spoken the words. He may have even meant them on some basic level, but his body only knew it hungered for her and he didn’t want to stop.

“Shut up, Jaxon,” Charlie said wrapping her arms around his neck trying to pull his head down where she could reengage the kiss. “One more time will make no difference.”