An Orphan's Tale (20 page)

What I think: There's a lot more. It's like a question with mirrors inside it, facing each other, with Daniel Ginsberg in between!

At supper Anita said the last fight she and Murray had was because he asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she said a stopwatch, and he said that was nonsense. I like to time things just to see how long they take, Anita said, but Murray couldn't accept something like that.

The table was beautiful, with a white cloth and candles. Nobody was sure what you did about Shabbos during the week of SHIVA so we called Irving, but he wasn't home.

We always did things Murray's way, Anita said, and Charlie told her to lay off him, that he couldn't answer back.

I said that Shabbos was the most important holiday of the year and that it took precedence over everything. If you couldn't have a funeral on Shabbos then you could probably stop the mourning period for Shabbos.

I used something I'd stored up and I said: THE SABBATH IS MADE FOR MAN, NOT MAN FOR THE SABBATH.

Hannah smiled at me for that as if I were older.

Before we made Shabbos, on the way back here, something happened that made me start testing Sol. Going around a curve a flock of birds flew right in front of us, swooping up as if they came from under the car. They were coming from old railroad tracks near the road and one of the birds was too slow and got hit by the front of the car so that specks of blood spattered across the hood and hit the windshield.

Charlie pulled to the side of the road. He got out and wiped the windshield and it made me feel weak to see him pick a piece of the bird out of the car's grill the way I feel weak when I think of how foolish it is to dream about us just continuing to live together, even if Charlie doesn't want to give me up!

I made myself think of what I would have to do if I were Charlie and I didn't like the answer!

When he got back in I said that Dr. Fogel once told us that in Yiddish his name means bird.

Charlie glared at me. Snap out of it, he said.

But Sol smiled at me and asked me if I knew what Faigele means.

He's just a kid, Charlie said to Sol. Lay off.

I couldn't stop what I was thinking from coming out and I DIDN'T WANT TO! The reason the Home is going to close is because of the new abortion laws, I said. There are hardly any Jewish orphans left. We're an endangered species.

Sol patted Charlie on the shoulder and asked him if he remembered how Murray used to have little sayings like that when he was a boy. I kept going and said: They don't make orphans like they used to, but Charlie didn't react even though Sol was praising me.

I've never believed Jews should have abortions, Sol said then and I saw Charlie's eyes look the way they did when he knew what Murray was going to say next. There were too many of us lost, Sol said. We need more Jews in the world, don't you see? We Jews have an obligation to repopulate is what Uncle Sol believes.

Then he began talking about Jewish history and his eyes got bright and I could see why Charlie and the others looked up to him when they were boys, even though he's like just an old man now.

He spoke right to me. Let's face it, young man, he said. We Jews are different for many reasons and the most obvious one is that we're more intelligent. The world needs our talents. It's as simple as that, though one doesn't say so too loudly these days.

I looked at the back of Charlie's thick neck and remembered him telling me how when he was a boy he used to imagine Sol inside a tent in a general's uniform, planning an attack and surveying battle maps and how he and Murray had once decided that if Sol were leading the Jews into battle, they would have done whatever he told them to. He said that Sol and Dr. Fogel were the same in one thing, that they got their biggest thrill when the Home's football team beat teams of non-Jews.

I can tell Charlie wants to speak to Sol about their living together but he doesn't know how.

Also: He's afraid he'll hurt me if he does.

Also: He'd like to ask me for the best words to use with Sol and that's what gets him so angry, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO NEED ANYBODY!

“I have separated you from the nations that you be mine,” I recited for Sol and this kept him going. He talked about the laws of Evolution and the Survival of the Fittest and said he'd even discussed his theory with 2 different Nobel prize winners and that they agreed with him in private that Jews are genetically superior beings. He said that what happened was that during centuries of persecution all the unfit Jews had either died or been made into Christians. Without a Homeland Jews had only an idea to join them and make them remain Jews—the idea of the Torah and of being the people chosen to bring the Torah to mankind.

I agreed!

He spoke about the horrors of the Inquisition and of how Jews were expelled from one country to another, having to depend only on their wits and religion. Did I know, he asked, that until recently Jewish medical students right here in the United States of America were allowed to learn dissection only on Jewish corpses?

Charlie told him to stop scaring me, that the week had been hard enough, but he already had his wallet out and he took a picture from it of Jews hanging on meat hooks in Romania from 1940 with the words CARNE KOSER painted on their bodies. He said he kept it to remind himself and his Gentile friends that we're survivors of survivors!

Mr. Gitelman calls us an army of defectives, I said.

A what? he asked.

You shut up, Charlie said to me, but I didn't and I could feel my eyes starting to shine. Mr. Levine calls those of us still left in the Home retards and retreads, I said, and my voice was even stronger. And if you believe what you say about Jews and abortions and if you're so proud of the Home, then
why don't you help save it? Aren't we good enough for you anymore? We're Jews too!

Enough! Charlie yelled at me.

Sol looked at Charlie and his eyes were soft again. I don't understand, he said. What does the boy want? Haven't I done my share?

More than your share, Charlie said. So let's close the subject, OK?

But I could tell from his voice that he knew his anger was only encouraging me. I'm not finished, I said. I want to know why if you care so much about repopulating the world with Jews, you were never married yourself!

But I said the wrong thing and the argument was over. Sol laughed and Charlie relaxed with him. Of course, Sol said. Of course. I always told my boys to follow my example and never marry, didn't I? He winked at Charlie and then at me and he gave me his punch line: And I told them they should give the same advice to their children.

Then I knew how right I was to have a new plan!

When we got home I left Charlie and Sol with Mr. Mittleman in his office and came up here to take my shower. Mr. Mittleman shook Sol's hand and asked, How's business? and Charlie tried to laugh but his laugh was forced. Sol patted Mr. Mittleman on the back and called him a great kidder.

It's not right, Mr. Mittleman said. A man should have a vocation.

His vocation is living, Charlie said, but I could see he was sorry he said anything.

Everybody lives, Mr. Mittleman said, and he sat down at his desk to work.

Charlie gave his saying about stomping the grapes, but it didn't make him or Sol feel better. Mr. Mittleman just shrugged. It's unnatural, he said.

I came upstairs and took off my clothes and got into the shower. I was thinking about the sound the bird made when it thunked against the car when suddenly the glass door to the shower opened and Mrs. Mittleman was standing there looking at me. I covered myself with my hand but she didn't move away.

I heard the water running, she said. And I thought all the men were downstairs with Max.

I'm sorry, I said, but I don't know why I said it.

That's all right, she said, and she smiled at me. I'm glad I caught you alone. It's nice, she said. I wanted to tell you that—it's been very nice since you came to live with Charlie. It's nice to hear your voices at night through the ceiling when you talk with each other. It's nice for him not to be alone so much and to share things. And I'm glad you were with him when it happened to Murray, don't you think?

I saw specks of water on her eyeglasses. She had one hand on the shower door and one hand on her hip. You wouldn't see it, darling, she said, but he's much less hostile to me since you came, so you shouldn't be sorry.

I'll get a chill, I said.

She started to close the door and then she smiled in a new way and raised her eyebrows. But I'll tell you this, she said. You're going to make the girls very happy someday, believe me.

Anita asked Sol to make the Kiddush tonight but he said Ephraim was the man of the family. We all wore Yamulkas and put shoes back on and when Anita covered her eyes to chant the blessing over the Shabbos candles I thought she would cry, thinking of Murray's absence. Instead she smiled. After she lit the candles we all kissed each other GOOD SHABBOS. When the phone rang nobody answered it. Anita wore a beautiful white dress with lace across her bosom. She said it was getting tight and this would probably be the last time she would have a chance to wear it.

Ephraim washed his hands at the sink, using a glass of water, and I did also. Dov and Eli were in line behind me. Then Ephraim made the blessing over the Challahs, which were covered with a napkin and we each made a
and ate a piece. Hannah served us chicken soup. When she came near me I could smell perfume on her like roses. She was so sweet and quiet that it reminded me she's not even 15 years old and she doesn't know very much about life!

It was very peaceful, after the company there was all week long, and when Anita spoke about Murray's love of Shabbos it grew even quieter. I looked into Hannah's eyes across the flames from the 2 candles and she looked right back into mine. Her dress was the color of violets and her skin was brown next to it, like toast. Ephraim's Adam's apple slid up and down and I saw tears in his eyes. Dov wouldn't eat anything. Anita said Murray always looked forward all week long to Shabbos and he used to say it forced him to say STOP to his life, and to linger over it and appreciate it. He never did any work at all on Shabbos and when Shabbos was over he would say what a feat this was for a Jewish Calvinist like himself.

After we passed a bowl and cup around to wash our hands and said the prayers after the meal, I helped Hannah and Ephraim clear the table. Dov brought in his baseball glove so Sol could help him oil it. Anita put Eli and Rivka to sleep. I wanted to kiss with Hannah but she seemed shy like a new girl and I was afraid she wouldn't want to in her good dress.

What I noticed: Sol never recited any of the Hebrew words.

He went for a walk by himself after supper. He goes for 2 walks every day. In New York City he takes a walk on the streets before he has breakfast when the streets are empty. He was still gone when Charlie and Anita went outside for a walk together. They were gone for more than an hour. She looked happy when she came back inside later.

A good place to stop.

SATURDAY

Today was a beautiful day. When I woke up Charlie was still feeling peaceful and I didn't ask him why. His face showed me he thought he had no worries at all.

Teach me to read, he said.

I didn't even wait to get dressed. I picked up the real estate book and when he made a face I told him it was a good book to start with because it was something he cared about. We sat up in bed together with our backs against the headboard and the covers across our knees and he started reading from a section called THE RISKS OF USING BORROWED MONEY. He read 3 sentences before he got stuck, but I said the next word for him and he was able to go on.

Mrs. Mittleman knocked on the door and came in with a tray full of good things to eat: Danishes and toast and jam and scrambled eggs and juice and coffee for Charlie. Charlie wasn't even embarrassed. He just smiled at her and said, Who's my favorite woman in this house? and she bent over and he kissed her under the ear.

We read 2 pages before we stopped and I saw how he mixed up letters in certain words so that DEBT would be BED and DEAR would be READ and WAS would be SAW. I wrote out the following sentence for him: NAME NO ONE MAN, and told him to read it both ways.

We laughed and ate and worked some more. The more we read the worse he got and I tried to be very patient with him so he wouldn't get angry with himself. I watched his eyes and saw how they jumped, even though his body looked relaxed. When he finished a paragraph sometimes I asked him to tell me in his own words what he just read but he couldn't. They're just words, he said to me. He wanted to stop a few times but I told him how well he was doing and that from the things I'd read what he was able to do showed he could probably be cured very quickly.

I see words faster than I can read them, is what he said then.

He told me he wasn't going to bring Sol from the city today because Sol had people to see there and I thought that was the real reason he was relaxed with me. He said he always worried that he had brain damage and I said I didn't think so because the only thing he had trouble with was reading. If he had brain damage it would have slowed him up in other ways. Brain injuries are called ALEXIA, I said, and he had DYSLEXIA.