An Unstill Life (18 page)

I nodded and choked back the tears. I could tell Jules, couldn’t I? I had to tell someone. So I let it out, telling her the whole sordid mess, finishing up with this afternoon’s realization that I was in fact in love with Bianca.

“You don’t make anything easy for yourself, do you?” The words came out with more force than I’d heard from Jules in a long time, a jaundiced stream that layered itself across the waxed floor.

“Huh?” I looked up at her, liking the way she looked at me, no accusation in her eyes.

“God, Livvie. Like being sixteen isn’t hard enough. You really love this girl?”

I nodded, smiling at the warmth that spread through me at the thought of her. “Yeah. I think so.”

“If you love her, that’s cool. You stick with her. If your friends can’t handle that, well, they’re not good friends.”

“That’s what Bianca’s mom said, too.”

“I won’t lie to you though, Livvie. It’s gonna be hard for you. High school sucks like that.” She sounded so old. Did cancer age you? Not physically, I could see that, but mentally? She shouldn’t be so wise.

“You’re not grossed out or anything?” I couldn’t find the courage to look at her.

“Of course not. A little surprised, maybe.” Jules smiled and took my hand. “I want you to be happy, Liv. And if this girl makes you happy, then I’m fine with it.”

Her fingers dropped away from mine as she sank into her pillow. I’d worn her out. I watched her struggle to keep her eyes open for a moment.

“Thanks, Jules.” I bent and kissed her fluttering eyelids, lowering the bed for her. She was snoring before I even left the room, my heart lighter now. I held her words close to me, absorbing their warmth and letting them calm the writhing in my belly.

My phone rang as I ran through the hospital doors. I checked the display and groaned. Mel. I knew what she’d want. For a moment I was tempted to hang up, shove the phone back into my pocket without answering, but I knew she’d keep calling. Mel was a bulldog when she had something on her mind.

“H’llo?” The wind swept down the street and almost bowled me over. I shivered, wishing once again I hadn’t left my coat at school.

“Livvie? Is it true?” Mel didn’t beat around the bush.

“Is what true?” I stalled. Maybe she was asking about something else. Like… Who was I kidding?

Mel made an impatient noise in her throat. “You know. You and Bianca Mattheson. Did Hannah really see you kissing?”

I turned the corner, gusts blasting right through my clothes. I wondered if I could lie, tell her Hannah misunderstood what she saw. But, I loved Bianca. And Mel was my friend. “Yeah. We were kissing.”

“Oh, Livvie. Why?” There was sadness in her words, disappointment. They dripped from the phone and oozed down my neck in icy blue rivulets. “I know I’ve been a little preoccupied lately, but—”

I cut her off. “It has nothing to do with you.”

“Then why, Livvie? Is it Jules? I know how hard this must be for you, but that’s no reason to…”

I gritted my teeth. She knew how hard it was? How? Her brother wasn’t dying. He was at college, playing basketball, coming home every other weekend to do his laundry and tease Mel. He hadn’t asked her to kill him. She had no idea what I was going through. “No! I love her Mel, okay? You know how you feel about Eddie? That’s what I feel about Bianca.”

The phone fell silent. I could hear Mel’s breathing, but neither of us spoke. I leaned up against the bus stop, hugging my arms around my chest in an effort to keep the wind’s chilled fingers from creeping under my shirt.

“I… I don’t know what to say.” Mel’s voice cooled to match the bitter wind. I shivered harder, the small hairs on the back of my neck standing to attention. A fierce bolt of anger flashed through me, making my cheeks hot despite the knife-blade gale.

“Then don’t say anything.” I hung up. So much for friends. I tossed my head as I climbed aboard the bus, grateful to be out of the elements. I’d never hung up on Mel before, but she deserved it. I thought your friends were supposed to be understanding, supportive. If not, they weren’t really friends, were they? Our relationship was disintegrating faster than the tattoo on my hip. At least I had Bianca, even if having her meant being ostracized.

Chapter Twenty-Two

B
ianca was waiting for me at the newsstand two blocks from school. I hopped off the bus when I saw her there, lounging against the wall with a Hollywood gossip magazine in her hands. In the early morning sunlight, her skin seemed to glow and the inky coils of her hair gleamed.

“Who’s Kim Kardashian marrying this week?” I tried to keep my tone light and airy, not wanting to give in to the waves of terror that threatened to overwhelm me. I didn’t want to go to school. Jules was right. High school was hard enough.

“Not me.” Bianca slapped the magazine shut and shoved back into the display. “How’re you doing?”

I shrugged. “A little scared.”

She nodded. “Yeah. Me too.” Glancing at her watch, she gave me a small smile.

“Guess we have to go, don’t we?” My words wavered, blue and purple strands trailing after them like streamers.

“We could skip again, but we’d still have to go back tomorrow. Let’s just get it over with, huh?” She gave my shoulders a squeeze, forcing her strength into me.

“Okay.” I took a deep breath. This was ridiculous. We were going to school, not to war. Somehow though, it didn’t feel that different.

Bianca marched through the school gates, her head held high, boots clanking against the pavement. Behind her, I tried to emulate her posture, but found myself slouching down, trying to hide within myself. We climbed the steps, and I swore I could sense the weight of eyeballs on us, hear the low hiss of whispers. But when I turned to look, no one seemed to be interested in us, no one watched our progress.

“Maybe she didn’t tell,” Bianca muttered as we negotiated our way through the crowded hallway, first to her locker then to mine.

“Maybe.” I stopped at the jog in the corridor before my locker. Hannah and Mel stood at the far end, so I saw them before they saw me. I balked, stopping so suddenly a boy walking too close behind slammed into me, nearly knocking me down.

“Get out of the road!” he roared, his voice echoing around and drawing the attention of everyone in that end of the school. Including, of course, Mel and Hannah.

“I gotta go.” Bianca squeezed my fingers and slipped away, leaving me with just a trace of her scent and the lingering warmth of pressure on my hand.

Hannah and Mel hurried up the hall and gathered me between them.

“Okay, this is too weird,” Mel began. “We’re really worried about you, Liv.”

“Yeah, Livvie. We get that Jules is sick, and that’s hard for you. Especially with your mom and all. But couldn’t you have come to us? I mean, we’re your best friends. We’ve been trying to find the right guy for you and everything.” Hannah’s voice was almost a whine, a white-hot mosquito buzzing by my ear.

“Worked well,” I managed through clenched teeth. “Jesse Marsden is a real catch.”

Mel made a dismissive gesture with her hand. “Well, okay. One date didn’t work out. That’s still no reason to go gay.”

“And Bianca Mattheson?” Hannah’s brow furrowed as she peered at me. “She’s so weird. The way she stares at you and everything.”

A sharp stab of fury broke through the fear in my gut. They didn’t know Bianca. How dare they judge her? Hannah and Mel had never made any attempt to understand the way I saw the world. Bianca had, and found something unique and interesting in it. I bit my tongue. I didn’t want to fight. I just wanted to get my books and go to class.

“Talk to us, Livvie. What’s going on? Please. We just want to help you.” Mel tugged on my arm.

The anger got the better of me. I tore my arm away from Mel and stomped up the hallway a few paces. My scalp prickled with rage, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if my hair stood up all over my head. “Help me? I don’t need your help. You just don’t get it. I love her. I love Bianca Mattheson!” The words echoed around the suddenly silent passageway. I watched them bounce off the walls, pink and red and brilliant neon blue, jumping and leaping away from me, escaping through the crowds whose muttering grew in volume as the words sprang by.

I threw a last furious glance at Mel and Hannah, then plunged after my words as if I could take them back. The crowds moved away as I passed, then closed in behind me. A wall of whispered conversation followed. When I reached my homeroom, I sank gratefully into my seat and let my hot, heavy head drop to the desk.

The morning dragged on. Whispers and sidelong glances followed me everywhere I went, and I could feel them as if I had eyeballs glued to my skin. On my way to English, I passed Jesse and Sam in the hall.

“What did you do, man?” Sam elbowed Jesse in the ribs and pointed in my direction.

Jesse gave a lazy grin. “Must’ve been too much man for her, I reckon.” He winked and spread his legs, adjusting himself in an exaggerated gesture.

Sam clucked his tongue against his teeth. “Always a shame when we lose one to the other team.”

“Never happened to me before, man.”

Anger seethed in my belly. Kids had stopped moving around us, and I was trapped in a tightening circle, me on one side, Sam and Jesse on the other. Their cocky smiles sent shivers running down my spine.

“No, me neither, man. She must be some kind of a freak.” Sam’s voice was low and mocking. How had I ever thought of him as a nice guy? How could Hannah stand him?

“Probably caught it from her weirdo girlfriend.” Jesse was only a few feet away now, the circle closing in around us, curious onlookers jostling and shoving for position.

I thought about those old cowboy movies and the way the bystanders hollered for blood. This time, the blood being called for was mine.

Jesse looked right at me. “You know what would be hot? You, me, and that crazy ho of yours. What do you say?”

I stared at him, unable to absorb the words he’d spoken. Had he just asked for a threesome? I opened my mouth to say something—I don’t know what—but nothing came out. I longed for Bianca’s strength, for her ability to find the right cutting words for every occasion. She’d know what to say here. I pictured her, seeing the sassy way she stood when faced with an insult, the way she’d peer down her nose with an expression of such disdain it could make you cringe.

Without me wanting to, my own body took on that shape. My hand flew to my hip, and I glared at Jesse. “Would you want me to bring the manual, so you know what to do this time?” I asked, faux sweetness dripping from my tongue in syrupy golden strings.

The crowd around us drew in breath. Tension hung in the air, thick enough I could take a bite from it.

The bell rang.

I jumped at the brassy sound that arced through the heavy air, shattering the tension. The crowd began shuffling off, a low murmur of chatter growing louder as they dispersed. Jesse grabbed my arm when I started walking away. He dragged me toward him, the hand on my wrist too firm to struggle free of. His face was red and contorted into an expression of such fury it made my stomach freeze.

“Keep out of my face,” he hissed. He wrenched my arm then, giving it a twist that sent a bolt of agony all the way to my shoulder. He stalked off, Sam trailing behind. Before they turned the corner into the science block, Sam turned and gave me such a malevolent glare, it turned my stomach to ice. I didn’t respond, though. Shaking my aching arm, I ran through the now-deserted hallway to English.

Somehow, I made it through the day. Even the hour of Art, usually the one bright point in my day, was horrible. While people whispered and stared at me in every class, in Art they stared at both of us in a way that was almost expectant, hopeful.

“Yeah,” Bianca said as we walked away from the school buildings at the end of the day. “It’s like they were waiting for us to have sex on the classroom floor or something.”

I giggled. The air grew lighter the further we got from school.

Bianca grinned at me. “But maybe we should leave that for a little later in the week.”

“Probably.” My neck tingled when I thought about it, small hairs rising all along my spine. I must be some kind of pervert or something. The thought did little to cool me off.

“So, you want to come over?” I leaned against a lamppost. We’d reached the corner where we’d have to split up to go to our own houses. And I didn’t want to go home alone.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I kind of told my sister about you…about us last night.”

“And?”

“She’s cool.” I smiled at the thought of Jules, with all her own troubles, still finding time to reassure me.

“Well, okay. As long as it won’t be a problem for your mom or whatever.” Bianca shuffled her feet and toyed with a strand of hair hanging in front of her eyes.

“Mom won’t be home,” I told her. “She’s never home anymore.”

But she was.

Bianca and I burst through the back door holding hands. Mom sat at the table, a mug of coffee in her hand. She had been raising it to her mouth, but froze when she saw us.

“Oh, hi, Mom.” I dropped Bianca’s hand and wiped some hair off my cheek.

“Hello, Olivia.” Mom regained her composure faster that I could have. “And who’s your friend? I don’t believe we’ve met.”

Heat rose to my face. “Uh…this is Bianca. Bianca Mattheson.”

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Quinn.” Bianca stepped forward and held out her hand to Mom. The same one I’d been holding seconds before.

Mom stared at it for a second, then turned her eyes back on me. Bianca kept her hand there for a moment longer before realizing Mom wasn’t going to shake it, then she pulled it back. She flushed and dropped her eyes to the floor, shoving both hands into the oversized pockets in her coat.

“I need to talk to you.” Mom’s eyes hadn’t wavered.

“Now?” I glanced at Bianca.

Mom nodded. “Yes. Now. It’s about your sister.”

My heart leaped into my throat. Had Jules died? I had barely thought about her all day, too wrapped up in my own small crisis.

“Okay…” I knew I should sit down, but I couldn’t, so I stood where I was, Bianca next to me, close enough I could feel her coat rustle with each inhalation and exhalation of her breath.

“We’ve decided to go ahead with the transplant.” The words fell in solid blocks, steely gray against the coffee colored tiles. “It’s our only option.”

Our? Or her? “But—” My words of protest were brushed away with a sweep of her hand.

“I know what you’re going to say, Olivia. But doctors are not always right. Dr. Singh told us what his opinion is, but I can’t stand by and do nothing. Maybe the transplant won’t work, but at least we will have tried everything we could.”

Oh, God. Here we go again. I swallowed hard, fighting back the anger that appeared to have taken up permanent residence in my gut. She wasn’t doing this for Jules. It was for herself so she could say she’d tried everything. I understood, but how could she go ahead with it? Not when Jules had made it so clear she didn’t want another transplant.

“What did Dr. Singh say?” I had to work hard to keep from yelling, to keep my tone neutral.

Mom’s lips tightened, and she straightened in her seat. “He advised us against it, but we’ve spoken to another doctor about the procedure. Given the urgency, he’s trying to get it scheduled for next week, providing the donor is available.”

“No, Mom.” The words fell flat, lying on the ground between us, pulsing sickly through shades of green and brown. “Jules…”

Next to me, I felt Bianca move closer, her hip pressing against mine. I focused on that, drawing strength from her presence.

Mom stiffened. “Don’t you care about your sister?”

I recoiled like she’d slapped me. “Of course I do… How could you say that?”

“Let’s get out of here,” Bianca whispered, her voice low and urgent.

I nodded and started moving around the table toward the door. Once we got to my room we’d be safe.

“Oh, that’s right. Just walk away, why don’t you? And don’t think I didn’t notice the way you’re flaunting that girl, looking for attention like always.”

Tears sprang to my eyes, hot and furious. Me, attention seeking? Excuse me? I was the one who slunk through the shadows, doing whatever I could to keep out of the limelight. Flying under the radar was my specialty. And now this? Attention seeking? She was minimizing the most important thing in my life, degrading it.

“Oh, Livvie.” Bianca slammed my bedroom door shut behind us and took me in her arms. I leaned into her, burying my face in her shoulder and letting a few tears fall to be soaked up by her soft velvet shirt.

“I’m so sorry, Livvie.” Bianca ran her hands over my hair. “I had no idea… Is she always like that? Or is it just stress about your sister?”

I straightened up and stared at her. Was it stress? No. Mom had never treated me the same way she treated Jules. She was the star; I was a supporting role, a bit part.

I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I hated that she still had the power to make me cry. I should know by now that she wouldn’t change, that crying about it wasn’t going to make any difference. “She’s always kind of like that. I think this stuff with Jules is making it worse, though. Jules is her favorite.”

“Your mom has a favorite kid? Isn’t that kind of wrong?”

I shrugged. It probably was wrong, but it was the truth. “That’s just how it is. She never wanted me.”