An-Ya and Her Diary (12 page)

Wanna said the bracelet was perfect. I hope Ellie likes it. I don’t know why, but I really want her to like it.

134

Dear Penny,

Today was Ellie’s birthday party.

Wanna gave me some wrapping paper decorated with bright colored flowers. It matched the tiny blue flower charm that was on the bracelet.

It was raining and the air was cool. I tucked the present box into my sweater pocket. I didn’t want to put it on the pile of gifts waiting for Ellie to open. I wanted to hand the gift to her myself.

Ellie had a fairy party and invited a few of her little friends. Wanna gave all of the children fairy wings and a wand. I did not wear the wings or carry a wand, but I did let Ellie put some silver fairy dust on my face.

Even though it was raining outside, it felt bright and colorful inside the house.

Daddy couldn’t come to the party because he had a work meeting to go to. He said it was very important and could mean good things for our family if it went well.

Wanna stood in the kitchen and offered food to all of the mothers who brought their children to the party.

The children were crazy and ran around our house swinging their wands and pretending to grant wishes or trying to turn our furniture into pumpkins. One little girl tried to turn me into a pony because she said it was her heart felt wish to have a pony. I tried not to laugh at her because she really seemed to think that it might be possible if she waved that wand hard enough.

Ellie looked happy. Her face was sparkling with fairy dust and her silver wings matched her silver and pink fairy dress. Everyone gathered together in the living room to watch Ellie open her presents. She opened her gifts so fast that I only knew what she received because after ripping off the wrapping paper, she would hold the present over her head and say—

This is a great present. Thank you very much!

Wanna told her before the party that she needed to thank the giver of each present before she opened the next one. Ellie did a good job and didn’t forget to thank a single person for their present.

When all of the presents were opened, except mine, she turned to Wanna, clapped her hands, and said—

Now, Mommy will tell my birthday story!

Wanna looked confused and said—

What story is that, Ellie?

And Ellie said—

You know, Mommy. Tell everyone about the day that I came out of your tummy and I was born!

Everyone stared at the floor or at their feet. The room became totally quiet.

I will tell you the rest tomorrow. I guess you already know that it didn’t go very well after that.

135

Dear Penny,

Ellie asked to hear about the day that she was born, and Wanna looked like she didn’t know what to do.

Finally, Wanna ended the silence and quietly said—

Ellie, don’t you remember how we talked about that you were born in China? Don’t you remember the books that we have read about children who were born in China and then they were adopted?

Ellie looked angry. I have never seen that look on her face before. She said to Wanna—

Those were books, Mommy. I am not a book.

Wanna said—

I know you are not a book, but the story the books told is like the story of your life.

Ellie became even angrier and she said with a loud voice—

I don’t want you to talk about books, Mommy! I want you to tell my friends about my day I was born!

Wanna looked like she was lost and she didn’t know which way to go. She looked around the silent room and tried to apologize to everyone with her eyes. She said—

Ellie. You were born in China and I wasn’t there, honey. You were born from your China Mama’s tummy…not mine. I don’t know the story to tell your friends. Only your China Mama knows the story of the day you were born. We have talked about this before. I think we should have cake now. Are you ready for some cake?

Ellie was not ready for cake. She fell to the floor and curled up in a ball and started screaming.

136

Dear Penny,

Nobody moved when Ellie started to scream. I was still in my chair and watching it all happen. Ellie was on the floor and there was a room full of people pretending that they weren’t there at all.

Before I knew what I was doing, all of the sudden I was on the floor next to Ellie. I don’t remember caring what anyone in the room thought about me or about the situation.

I touched Ellie’s little back and began to rub my hand up and down. There was only a small part of her back that I could reach since she was wearing those fairy wings.

I whispered into Ellie’s ear—

I was born in China too. I also have a mother in China that gave birth to me. I don’t know my birthday story either. I don’t know anything about the day I was born.

Ellie stopped screaming and looked at me. She said—

Truth An-Ya?

I stopped whispering and said to Ellie—

Yes, Ellie. That is the truth. We both do not know our birthday story, and we both have a mother in China that we don’t know.

Ellie sat up. She looked so small and sad sitting there wearing her crooked fairy wings. Some of her black hair looked glued by tears to her cheeks. She asked me—

Why, An-Ya?

I told her that I didn’t know why. I told her that I wished I knew why, but I didn’t know the why about any of it for either of us.

Then I told her that I had a present for her that was still in my sweater pocket. I asked her if she wanted to open it. She nodded her head yes. I pulled the flower wrapped box out of my pocket and handed it to her.

She opened it slowly. People started to lift their eyes from the floor and stare at us as if they were waiting to see what would happen next.

Ellie pulled the charm bracelet out of the box, studied it for a minute, and then held it over her head to show everyone. She said—

Thank you An-Ya for this beautiful present. Thank you very much!

She hugged her bracelet and then asked me to help her put it on her wrist. Then she turned to Wanna and asked—

Mommy, birthday song now?

Wanna looked tired and she kept wiping her eyes with her shirt sleeve, but she smiled at Ellie and said—

Yes, Ellie. Now we will sing the birthday song.

Wanna started to sing, and then everyone in the room began to join in.

Ellie’s fairy dust was sparkling around her chin, having been washed lower down her face by her tears. But once the singing began around her, she lifted her head high and smiled big at everyone in the room.

Happy birthday to you, dear Ellie…happy birthday to you!

We did eat the cake after that. The cake was very good. It was chocolate.

137

Dear Penny,

Sitka came over today. She didn’t come to the birthday party yesterday because she got in trouble and was being punished by her parents.

It was still cool and raining, so Sitka came to my room and we sat on my bed to talk. Ellie was busy playing with her birthday presents and didn’t follow us the way that she normally would have.

Sitka said the other day she was reading the newspaper and found out that a special star was coming to the sky. The star was going to show up and it would only be able to be seen on one night. If you didn’t see it on that one night, then it wouldn’t be able to be seen for another five hundred years.

So Sitka said—

An-Ya, I totally had to see that star. I just couldn’t live my life without seeing that star. It was that important to me.

I asked her why seeing a star was so important.

She said—

I can’t explain it to you. I knew it was something I had to do and somehow it was going to mean something to my future. You just have to believe me that I needed to see it.

Well, I didn’t understand at all what she was talking about, but I did understand why she got in trouble.

The star was going to be viewable in the middle of the night. So in the middle of the night, Sitka decided to climb out of her upstairs bedroom window. She took her binoculars and laid her body flat on her roof.

Her parents heard her open her window and climb out.

When they found her, they were not happy.

Sitka told me she was sure that she saw her star before her parents caught her out on the roof. She said the star was bright and blinking like no other star in the sky. Sitka said it was one of those things that you know you have to do and you take the punishment.

I told her I thought she was crazy, but inside I understood part of what she was saying.

Sitka said—

We all have a little crazy in us. So tell me—how was Ellie’s party?

138

Dear Penny,

I told Sitka what happened at Ellie’s birthday party. She said that she was disappointed that she missed all of the excitement. I told her it wasn’t exciting to watch Ellie scream on the floor. She said—

I know, An-Ya. I just mean that what you did for Ellie was awesome!

I told her there wasn’t anything awesome about what I did at all. I did what I needed to do to make Ellie calm down because nobody else was doing anything. Sitka said that she never thought about how hard a birthday might be if you didn’t know anything about the day you were born or who gave birth to you.

She asked me if I wanted to find my parents in China. I told her that they probably didn’t want to know me because they never came back to find me.

Then Sitka put her hand on my arm. I looked at her face and she looked like she felt sorry for me. She asked me—

If you did meet them, what would you say to them?

I stared back at Sitka and said—

I don’t have anything to say to them. Plus, we don’t even speak the same language anymore.

Sitka said—

Seriously, An-Ya? Nothing?

I said—

I can’t think of anything right now, so yes, nothing.

139

Dear Penny,

It is late and I am in my bed with Angel Bones. She is sleeping with her ears tucked under both of her paws. It is like she is trying to make her dog world quiet.

I wish I could make my voice inside my head quiet.

After Sitka left today, Wanna came into my room and told me she wanted to talk about what happened at the birthday party.

She didn’t say very much and she still looked tired. She kept touching her yellow hair and pausing as she talked.

She said—

There is a lot that I want to tell you, An-Ya…but most of all I want to thank you for helping your little sister on her birthday. Ellie needed you…and you were there for her in a way that nobody else in that room could have been. It was…a brave thing that you did. I should have done more…and I should have thanked you sooner. I should have at least come to you both when you were on the floor…I don’t know why I didn’t…I want to apologize.

Wanna stopped talking.

She put her hands on my face and wrapped her fingers around my cheeks. Her hands were soft and they made my whole body feel warm. She asked me to forgive her if I could.

I said—

You don’t know why you didn’t do anything…and I don’t know why I did do something.

Wanna nodded and removed her hands from my cheeks and rubbed my shoulders. Then she said good night and wished me sweet dreams and was gone.

Now I am awake thinking about why I helped Ellie when all of those people were watching. Why did I feel warm inside when Wanna held my face in her hands? And I wonder about Sitka’s question about what I would say to my parents in China if I met them someday. I must have something that I want to say to them?

I can’t stop thinking, but all I want to do is to stop thinking. Maybe I should cover my ears like Angel Bones and hope it will make my world quiet.

140

Dear Penny,

I think my brain was so busy last night that it stopped working all together and I fell asleep.

I wish I could talk about all of these problems with Levi. There is something about him that makes me feel like he will understand. Not that he could understand it all, but I think he could understand some of it.

Sitka is great to talk to, but she never seems to have any problems other than getting caught sitting on her roof in the middle of the night.

I don’t know, Penny. Maybe I am making things up about Levi that don’t really exist. Maybe I will look like a stupid girl trying to write him a letter about poetry.

But today I am going to write it anyway. I need to know if he is as real as I am hoping. I need to know one way or another and then move on.

141

Dear Penny,

I worked all day on writing to Levi. I wrote a lot and then threw it all out and then started over and over again. Finally, I am finished. Now all I need to do is hand it to him and wait to see if he runs away or not.

Here is what I wrote:

Levi,

I want to share some things with you. I have thought a lot about what I want to say and about what I want you to hear.

In China I lived in an orphanage. You probably know that about me even though we never talked about it.

Well, when I was in the orphanage, I remember finding this old book. I found it in a closet that was used to keep some of the cleaning supplies. I was reaching for a bucket on the floor and I saw this old book.

This might seem strange to you because in America everybody has books. But in China I didn’t see very many books other than my school books. So finding a book on the floor of the cleaning closet was a big surprise.

Like I said, it looked old, plus it smelled old and the pages were stained. But it was special to me to discover it. I tucked the book under my shirt and took it somewhere quiet to read.

The book turned out to be a poetry book. Most of it was difficult for me to understand. But there was this one poem that I liked a lot and I felt like I understood it.