An-Ya and Her Diary (7 page)

Jazz was in one of the marching bands today. I didn’t know that she played an instrument. She plays the cymbals. The cymbals are these big round metal plates that you bang together, and they are really cool. Watching Jazz play in the marching band was the best part of the parade. Her costume was my favorite color—blue. The sides of her pants sparkled in the sun.

86

Dear Penny,

I started bleeding down there. I knew it was coming because I overheard the nannies in the orphanage talking about their monthly bleeding. I just didn’t know there was going to be so much blood. Plus, my chest hurts and my stomach hurts and feels like it is filled with dirty water.

To make things even worse, I had a huge fight with Wanna. I got blood all over my underwear, pajamas, and bed sheets. I took everything into the bathroom and started washing it. I put new underwear on and stuffed some toilet paper in them to soak up the blood. Well, Wanna opened the bathroom door. She surprised me. I guess she saw that I didn’t have sheets on my bed or something. I don’t know how she knew exactly, but I knew I didn’t want her in the bathroom with me. I screamed at her—

Get Out!

She wanted to help me. I kept screaming at her to get out and finally she did. She slammed the door and walked away. I need to go find some clean sheets.

87

Dear Penny,

Daddy came to my room tonight and sat on my bed. He said that we needed to talk about what happened with Wanna and the blood. He said that I need to share with Wanna and I needed to let her help me. She wants to help me, and she wants to help my heart and body feel better. He said that I can’t keep everything inside anymore, and I have to find a way to be brave and share my pain and share my happiness and share with Wanna what I need. He was very upset and he kept touching his black hair.

Then he told me about Wanna when she was a little girl. There were parts of the story that I wanted to put my hands up over my ears and not listen to anymore.

Daddy said that Wanna’s parents, my grandparents, loved adventure. They loved to be free and travel and go anywhere at any time that they wanted. Sometimes that meant that Wanna could not go because she needed to go to school. So if Wanna’s parents wanted to travel, then they would leave Wanna with her uncle.

The problem was that the uncle was bad. He was not nice to Wanna, and if he wasn’t happy, then he would hit her. Wanna was very scared of her uncle, but she was afraid to tell her parents. When Wanna’s parents would return from their adventures, they were extra happy and were extra nice to Wanna. They would bring her gifts and tell her all about where they went and what they did. Wanna loved to listen to their stories. They needed to travel and explore, or they would be unhappy. So Wanna kept it to herself that her uncle hit her.

As Wanna grew older, it wasn’t a problem as much anymore. She was able to find friends to stay with when her parents went on their adventures.

One day after her parents returned from an adventure, they came to pick Wanna up at a friend’s house. They were so excited to see Wanna, and she was so happy to see them too. Wanna and her parents got in their car, and her father started driving them home. Wanna’s father was laughing and talking about their travels, and Wanna’s mother was digging through her bags and giving Wanna gifts from their trip. Everyone was so busy talking and laughing that Wanna’s father did not stay on the right side of the road. He let the car turn just a little into the wrong lane. There was another car and it was going fast and it hit them.

Wanna and her parents were taken to the hospital. It was too late for Wanna’s parents and they were gone. They died before the ambulance came. Wanna needed an operation to get the car parts out of her body. When she woke up, the doctors told her what happened. They told her that her parents were gone and that they needed to rearrange and take things out of her belly to save her life. Some things that the doctors took out would mean that Wanna could never carry a child inside her body. In one day Wanna lost her parents and lost the children that would never live inside of her.

It was on that day that Wanna decided that she would adopt her children. Daddy said that she never looked back. Her only memory is hidden in a scar that runs down her belly.

I’m tired. I need to sleep now. I will write about it more tomorrow.

88

Dear Penny,

Last night, after Daddy told me Wanna’s story, I went to find her. Daddy told me I needed to go and talk to her.

I found her in the kitchen next to the fireplace. The room was dark except for the fireplace. Wanna’s yellow hair looked orange next to the fire. She was very still and didn’t move when I came into the room. She just stood there looking at the fire.

I said—
I’m sorry. I’m sorry about your uncle, and I am sorry about your parents.

Wanna turned her eyes to look at me. Her eyes were filled with water. She didn’t say anything, she just looked at me.

I whispered—
Can I see your belly?

Wanna turned her body to me, lifted her shirt, and showed me her skin underneath. I walked closer to Wanna to get a better look. There was a raised line, which started under her bra and went all the way down her belly. At the bottom of the line was another line that went straight across her belly. The scar looked like an upside down
T
.

I reached out to touch it. When my finger touched Wanna, she jumped back a little. I looked into her eyes and she nodded that it was ok. So I reached out again and touched the scar from beginning to end. Wanna’s skin was warm from the fire and the scar felt hot.

I said—
Does it hurt?

She said—
Not anymore.

I said—
I have my monthly bleeding.

Wanna stood there with her scar still revealed to me, and she said—

I know. It is called your period.

Then she wrapped her arms around me, and her shirt draped over my head. My ear pressed into her skin, and I could hear her heart beating. She held on tight and we stood there like that for a minute. Wanna was holding on so tight that it seemed like I better hold on too, so I wrapped my arms around her waist and squeezed.

And then we both cried. For a long time we cried.

89

Dear Penny,

I asked Wanna if I could take my blue bottle and drink my milk next to the willow tree. Nobody can see me through the branches. It is warm and bright today but cool under the willow.

Last night I had a dream about the Mean Boy. It wasn’t scary, it was just strange.

In my dream I found the Mean Boy sitting outside the orphanage. I didn’t understand why he was there, because he was adopted a few months before me. Why would he come back?

I remember the day he was adopted, and I remember his new family. He was so proud of them. They were a big family with five children already. The Mean Boy was child number six. Two of his sisters were Chinese, and the three boys looked like the parents. The Mean Boy walked around the orphanage and told his family about all his friends. Friends? The Mean Boy didn’t have any real friends, just people who did what he said because they were scared of him. Behind his back children would make fun of him and make fun of his half arm. If the Mean Boy found out that someone was making fun of his arm, then that person would be covered with bruises.

The day that Mean Boy was adopted, his face was one big smile. He looked happy. But in my dream he was sad. He said that he came back to get his baton and marching band costume.
Why?
—I said.

The Mean Boy said that his new family didn’t believe him when he told them that he was important at the orphanage, that he was a leader, that he could make people listen and listen good. He told me that his new family didn’t give him the respect that he deserved. So he came back to get his things and to take them home to show his family.

I asked the Mean Boy if I could touch his arm. He wasn’t mean anymore, just sad, so he said yes. It was smooth and felt hot. I asked him if it hurt. He said not on the outside, but on the inside. He asked me if I hurt on the outside or inside, which was a strange question because there is nothing wrong with me on the outside.

I don’t remember what I told him.

90

Dear Penny,

I saw Jazz at the ice cream parlor today. She looked pretty. I think she was wearing more makeup today because she has a boyfriend. He comes in to see her at work all the time. His name is Lex, and he is definitely who I would pick for a boyfriend. Lex is tall and has dark hair like Daddy. He is very nice to Jazz and makes her laugh and smile. Even when Jazz is making my ice cream or talking to another costumer, she is always watching Lex. They say silly things to each other and whisper in each other’s ear.

Daddy doesn’t act that way with Wanna. He never makes Wanna laugh, and he definitely does not whisper sweet things in her ear. They are not talking very much, at least not as much as they used to. When Daddy and Wanna would walk to the lake, they used to hold hands. They don’t anymore. Daddy is working in his office more than he used to, and I never see him except when it is time for dinner and sometimes not even then. Sometimes I don’t see him until I am getting ready for bed.

I don’t know exactly what is going on, but I am trying to figure it out. Ellie doesn’t seem to notice that Daddy is not here very much. She is her happy, dancing, and singing self.

91

Dear Penny,

My body is growing, and my hair is growing too. I don’t like that my body is growing so fast, but I am happy about my hair. I can pull my hair into a ponytail for the first time.

My orphanage clothes don’t fit anymore. Wanna had to buy me new clothes. She didn’t buy me dresses because she knows that I don’t like them. I have pants now, which look like Jazz’s pants, except my pants have blue jewel hearts.

The problem is that the more I grow, and with every day that passes by, I am further from the truth. As my body grows, the more I feel like I will never know the beginning of my story. If only I could go back in time and see Her face and listen to Her conversations with Him. What did they say to each other? How does a person decide to leave their baby and a book in the street under a gate? How is it possible that She could decide that plan was the best thing to do? It doesn’t make sense to me and it probably never will. The bigger I get, the more confused I feel. Because now I know that thousands of mothers have made the same decision that She made. Ellie’s mother left her too. Every single child that was in my orphanage and orphanages around the world had mothers that made the same decision. They left their children and never came back. They left their children forever, and they will never know what happened to all of us. How can that be?

92

Dear Penny,

Sometimes when I turn your pages, I think that I will see Her. I think that one of your white pages will become her mirror and her reflection will appear. I imagine her face staring at me and wonder what She will look like, if She will be smiling, if She will be crying, or if She will just stare at me with empty eyes and feel nothing.

93

Dear Penny,

Guess what? I am going to get a dog. Jazz has a dog, and now I am going to have one too. I see Jazz walking her dog to the lake sometimes. Her dog is big and brown and skinny. I think I want a smaller dog.

Wanna said that we will go to a place called the pound to get my dog. The animals that live at the pound don’t have any families. Most of them were given up by a family that couldn’t care for them. It is going to be hard to decide. I wonder how many dogs will be there?

I will be responsible for feeding the dog, taking it outside to go to the bathroom, and cleaning up the poop. The poop part will be gross, but I am ok about the other things.

Ellie wants a dog too, but Wanna says that she is not ready for such a big responsibility. Why does Wanna think that I am ready? It doesn’t matter, really—but I wonder.

94

Dear Penny,

Wanna, Ellie, and I went to the pound. I needed to leave you in the car because I didn’t want you to get dirty from all the dogs. You wouldn’t believe how loud it was in there. I thought my ears would explode. Plus, it smelled awful. I didn’t even want a dog because the smell was so terrible. Wanna told me to hold my nose and take a quick look at the dogs and don’t worry about the smell. Well, that was hard to do because I thought I was going to throw up.

I held one hand on my nose and one hand on my belly and we walked into the dog rooms. All of the dogs were in cages, and we needed to look at them through a metal screen. They were barking and jumping and stinky, and I just wanted to get out of there. Then Wanna told me that each cage had a paper that told about each dog—how old they were, what kind of dog they were, when they came to the pound, if they liked kids, if they were sick, if they liked cats, and if they were a girl or boy dog.

After Wanna showed me the papers on the cage doors, I forgot about the smell. I read the paper about each dog and each of their stories. As I read, the dogs jumped up on the cage doors and spun around and were wild. I forgave the dogs for acting so wild and making my ears hurt, because I knew that they wanted me to take them home so they could get out of that awful place.

Wanna and Ellie tried to get me to take a gold furry puppy. They asked to hold him and pet him, and they thought he was perfect, but he wasn’t perfect for me. I kept looking.

Finally, I saw a dog picture that I liked, but I couldn’t see her in the cage. There were two dogs jumping up and down, and I couldn’t find the one that I liked. Finally one of the other dogs moved out of the way, and there she was, in the back of the cage, curled up in a small ball. She seemed like she already gave up on looking for a home.

She was white and tiny. Her paper said that she was two years old, that she was shy, that she wasn’t eating well—they didn’t know what kind of dog she was for sure, and that she was found tied to the pound’s front door.