And Call Me in the Morning (26 page)

“Yes.”

“And you're not going after it because…”

“Why do you think, and what the fuck did I just say? I'm not leaving you.” Eli tried to catch Zane and calm him with touches. No go. Zane evaded his grasp. He stayed mostly physically put, but Eli could feel him slipping away fast behind a glass wall.

“Maybe that's what you say,” Zane replied eventually, still and cold. “What if I'm not letting you stay?”

Eli stared at Zane. He wiggled his finger in his ear. “Come again? I know I couldn't have heard that right.”

Zane shrugged, shoulders stiff. The thing about glass walls—they were strong, and if you tried to punch through, they'd slice you to confetti, but you could see right through them. The struggle so recently vanquished had returned to his face. Eli could see the fight going on within.

“Zane, talk to me.”

“If I told you to go, would you go?”

Didn't require any thought to answer that one. “No. Because I'm not a dammed idiot, and I'd have to be one to know you don't want me leaving. Zane, for fuck's sake.” Eli tried to reach him physically again. “What do you want me to do? Apologize for looking up Yvonne? I'm sorry. Let you kick my ass for keeping the Duke mess to myself? Go right ahead. Whatever it takes.”

Zane shook his head, but Eli was secretly, angrily glad to see the move was a struggle for him. “I want you to go.”

“And I said no.” Eli broke through the keep-away force field Zane had whipped up around himself and took him by the shoulders to shake some sense back into his lover's—his friend's—head.

Zane was like stone under Eli's hands. Unmoving, but with tiny fault lines. Weeds grew through cracks in rocks, and if Eli was anything, it wasn't a hothouse flower but a tough, sturdy weed.

“Fuck you,” Zane said.

“If you like.” Eli pulled Zane to him, but it was like trying to shift a statue. “Tell me why I should go, and none of this bullshit about Yvonne or Kazaran. Either you tell me why you're spoiling for a fight or I find out the hard way. Get me?”

“You really want to know?” White dents appeared on either side of Zane's nose. Stress lines. “Whether I want you to go or not is not the point. You need to go. For your own good.”

“And here we are again with me knowing I couldn't have heard you right. Where did you get that kind of idea? Also, I'm forty-fucking-three, and I don't need you making my decisions for me like I'm a child.”

“I know you're a man.”

“Damn right I am.” Eli took Zane by the chin and kissed him, hard. Zane's lips remained cold and pressed together hard, unyielding, but Eli felt Zane shiver and it gave him just enough hope to be going on with. He pushed his luck and dragged Zane fully to him, body to body, kneading Zane's back and the top of his ass. Working him the way he'd learned, waiting for that moment when Zane would groan and melt into him—

Didn't work out that way. Almost. Almost didn't count in a battle zone. Zane struggled free, and he fought dirty, biting Eli's lip sharply enough to draw blood. “Don't do that again.”

Eli shoved the sting away and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Then tell me why.” Internal hurt made him ask, “Who's the one running scared now?”

Zane shoved his hands through his hair and yanked. “The job, Eli. Okay? It's a damned good job. For you to turn this down because of me is—”

“Is what I want to do. Or suddenly that doesn't count?”

“It's a fool's move,” Zane said flatly. “You're nobody's fool.”

“Right. That's why I'm not buying what you're selling.” Eli made to sweep up the letter from Kazaran and tear it in half. As he did, the pile of mail scattered and more than one return address jumped out to catch his eye. “The fuck.” He sank to a crouch, picking up envelopes and reading the labels. “Doctors Without Borders. University of Chicago. Of New York. Of Colorado. Colorado, Zane? Really?”

“I told you I was thinking about teaching.”

Things were coming together for Eli, and he didn't want to believe them—didn't—but the anger seething through him made it hard to think. “Not running scared. Sure. And pigs are going to fly past the window any second now.”

“Goddamn it, Eli.” Zane sat. “Don't make this harder than it has to be. I'm done arguing. I'm not letting you turn down a job like Duke, and I can't stay at Immaculate Grace. I'm done there.”

Where Zane led, Eli followed. He sat on the ottoman, mirroring Zane, who wouldn't look at him. “So, what? You want me to take the job even if I don't. Say I do. I take it. You're done in Chicago. We both move to North Carolina. You love warm weather. We could make a home there, you and me. Fresh start.”

Zane wanted that. Christ, did he ever. It came off of him in waves. Still, he shook his head. “No.”

Eli wanted to throw his hands in the air. “And why not?”

“How long did it take you to admit to anyone here that we were together? What did it take? It's life or death with you, Eli, and I can't do that again.” Zane's weariness made him look so old. “Who I am. That's what I'm looking for. And it's not a 'roommate' or a 'buddy.' If we moved down there together, I know that's what I'd be. Think about it. That wasn't what you immediately figured?”

Eli had. Force of habit, cowardice, common sense, all of the above. “You want the truth? Yes. But I wouldn't.”

“Easier said than done and you damn well know it, and I can't force you, but I won't live a lie myself. This
is
for your own good. See that, Eli. Please.”

“No. None of this is for my own good if I lose you in all ways. It's not just this thing we have between us. You're my friend, and I don't make those easily. The hell I'm giving you up without a fight.”

“Do what you like.” Zane pinched the bridge of his nose. He'd gone from speaking in a roar to a rasp. “I've made up my mind. Hate me now if you want, but you'll thank me later.”

“The hell I will.” Eli tried one last time to grab Zane, but Zane jumped away. Scared. Eli could tell from the whites of his eyes and the growing fault lines in his stony mood.

“It's not just your choice,” Zane said with the flat ring of finality.

“Nice way to throw that little ditty in my face. Want me to repeat the chorus? 'We work it out together.' This is you making my choices for me, and that's not happening.”

“No? Stop me. Leave my apartment. Now. And don't you fucking dare look back.”

Eli could hear Zane's heart cracking. Amazing considering the sound of his own nearly deafened him. He could see the reasoning. He couldn't see the sense.

And he didn't know what to say.

“Go,” Zane ordered—no, begged.

What the hell could Eli do? Either shout and do something he'd regret, or get away and regroup.

He wouldn't hurt Zane. Never take that chance. He went, but he promised himself as he closed the door behind him that he wouldn't stay gone.

There had to be a way to fix this.

Eli wasn't as fast a thinker as Zane, but give him just enough light to make his way by and lead from his heart and he'd get there in the end, one step at a time.

Occasionally, faster.

Eli hadn't even cleared the parking lot of Zane's complex before he had his phone out, dialing. When Zane picked up on his end, Eli knew it was him but heard nothing except a weighted sort of silence that asked,
Please don't do this.

Tough. And he wanted to keep mum? No problem. Eli had plenty to say. “I know why you're doing this,” he began, angry and not bothering to hide it. “Not because of a smoke screen. Not because you don't want this 'us.' Because you
do
.”

Zane's small, caught breath told the truth. Spot on. As Eli knew it would be.

He eased out into traffic and scrolled the window down, knowing Zane would hear the sounds of a busy road carrying Eli away. Cruel, but he had to be, to be kind.

“Eli—”

“Uh-uh. I'm talking now. Here's how I see it, Zane. You've always been that poor little rich boy. Family and cash like a weight you don't want dangling off your shoulders, because it doesn't buy happiness. And you don't get what you want. Like the clinic. Maybe like me, not for keeps, is what you're thinking now.”

“Eli, stop.”

“No. This is where it gets rough. On top of that, you don't usually let yourself have what you want because you feel guilty about having more than others. Only this time, you did. And it scares the shit out of you. You were trying to pick a fight. Lost your nerve.”

“Goddamnit, Eli!”

“I am not giving you up. I will not lose you. Took me too damn long to get here to walk away with my tail between my legs.”

Zane rallied. “It wasn't—I meant it about not living a lie. I can't.”

“You might not have noticed, but I never said I
would
ask you to hide, you dick. Tempted? Sure. I'm human. Follow-through? No. For you, I would come out. Again. As loudly as I needed to.”

“I can't believe that.”

“Figured you'd say as much.” Eli took a right onto a much busier road, the roar of traffic almost deafening him to Zane's replies. “Watch and learn.”

He could still detect wary alarm just fine. “Eli, what are you going to do?”

Ha. Look who's ahead of the game
. “Wait and find out.” Eli disconnected and threw the phone on the seat beside him.

Sometimes anger was a destructive force, only good for doing wrong.

Sometimes, though, if you could harness that head of steam? You could pull out a last-minute home run.

* * * * *

He could have asked Diana. Holly. Taye. They'd have backed him up, sure. Eli needed to do this himself. Any other way, it'd lose momentum and, above all, meaning. A man worked hard for what he wanted.

For Zane, it couldn't be any other way.

But Eli knew Zane as well as Zane knew him. He didn't act at first. Zane would have expected that. The first cold night alone in his bed, Eli almost gave. When the sun came up on him, still alone, he almost gave in. Didn't, though, and glad of it.

Now, with a day and a night behind him and Zane looking over his shoulder? Now was the time to strike, surgical and clean, to cut out the poison.

* * * * *

“Whoa! Easy there, Cap'n.” Diana tried to block the entrance to the staff lounge. She assessed Eli in one quick swoop, raising her eyebrows at Eli's casual street clothes and overgrown stubble. “Glad you're not supposed to be here today looking like that.”

“Like how?”

Diana bit her lip thoughtfully. “Like a badass.”

“Yeah?” Eli scraped his stubble against the back of his hand. “Good. I'm not in the mood to play nice.”

“No shit.” Diana planted herself foursquare in the door. She glanced over her shoulder, though, a dead giveaway. Behind her, Eli could see quite the tableau laid out for him: Holly on the couch in briefly paused yet utterly earnest mode. Taye leaned on the far wall, arms crossed and chin stubborn. He wore his heart on his sleeve, so Richie might as well have been there too.

They didn't matter so much as the man in the middle, the one crouched to pick up a filing box crammed with crumpled lab coats, scrubs, and other detritus of a career he'd decided to chuck down the drain.

Like hell was Eli letting that happen to what he and Zane had together.

Problem: he had a stubborn female barrier to get through.

Eli rested his hands on Diana's shoulders, not to hurt, but to make sure she knew he meant business. “Diana. You're half a foot shorter than me and at least less than half my body mass. If I need to, I can and will pick you up and put you down somewhere that's not in my way.”

“I'd like to see you try.”

Eli thought she might mean that, and not in the sense of a hostile dare. Diana looked as torn as he'd ever seen her, as if her position as barricade was something she'd drawn the short straw to get. She wavered between looking at Zane, frozen stock-still, and Eli, building up another good head of steam. “Fuck it,” she said, letting go of the sides of the door. “I'm too old for the equivalent of chaining myself to a tree.”

Though he'd meant to charge straight through, what she said gave Eli pause. Might as well ask. No. He needed to ask. Where Zane could hear him. “So how much do you know?”

Diana rolled her eyes. “You're seriously asking me this. What do I know? Jack shit. Doesn't mean I can't guess, and I can read the writing on the wall just dandy. It's not exactly in small print.”

Good. Exactly what he'd wanted her to say, out loud, where Zane could hear. “How long have you known?”

“Honestly? Pretty much always. Long before either of you did, dumb-ass. We weren't
teasing
you, we were whacking you with giant clue-by-fours. Christ!”

“You were right to.” Felt good to say it out loud. Better than he'd expected it might. “I love Zane,” he said, out loud, loud and proud. Pitching his voice to carry.

Zane finally looked at Eli. Wide and panicked, a perfect picture of a deer in the headlights. Eli grinned, and he didn't know how it looked, but it must have been fairly savage because Diana took a quick step back.

“I'm also way too old to get bulldozed. Unless I ask for it.” She held up her hands in surrender.

“Diana.” Eli bent to kiss her cheek. “You are only as old as you feel, and you? You'll be young forever.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere.” Diana tugged Eli's shirt sleeve. “He's been ranting about Duke. What's up with that?”

To her, Eli had only to say what he'd told Zane. “Wait and see.” He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and waved it at her. “Kazaran's on speed dial five,” he said, knowing he had Zane's full attention. A different sort of alarm, one tinged with confusion, entered the mix swirling in the near-visible dark clouds around Zane.

“What are you doing?” Zane asked, the first words he'd spoken to Eli in over a day. Felt like longer.

“Taking the wheel,” Eli replied. He tapped the speed dial and waited for his call to complete. Half expecting voice mail, the answering gruff voice on the other end took him directly back to his university days with the single drawl of a simple hello.

Even better. Eli hit Speakerphone and held it out so everyone could hear. He could sense an audience gathering behind him—hospitals were hell pits of gossip. Best of all. No going back.

“Dr. Kazaran, hello. It's Eli Jameson.”

“Damn my hide. I wondered if you'd dropped off the face of the earth.”

“It's been a hectic few days,” Eli said, his gaze fixed on Zane. “I'm calling about the interview.”

“I would hope so. We're looking forward to seeing you here again.”

“Thank you, sir. I'm honored.” Eli did not look away. “There are a few things you'd need to know first.”

Dr. Kazaran rumbled. “I can't say I'm surprised. You always did take a unique approach. Very well. Let's hear them.”

“I wouldn't be coming down there alone,” Eli said. He could hear stifled gasps and murmurs and the slipperiness of what was probably money changing hands behind him. Screw 'em. He had eyes for Zane alone. Zane, who'd gone blanched-strawberry white and was shaking his head, slow then fast.

“Oh? Of course, your wife.”

“Not my wife, Dr. Kazaran. She and I divorced some years back.”

“Ah. I'm sorry to hear that.” Dr. Kazaran hesitated. “Fiancée, then? Lady friend?”

“Gentleman friend,” Eli said, loud and clear. “Dr. Zane Novia. He and I are involved, and I would have no plans to leave him behind.”

A longer pause. “Be more specific, if you would.”

Karma had its bitchy side, but every so often, it paid you back for the rough stuff, and in spades. “He's my lover,” Eli said. “And my friend. He and I are a two-for-one deal.”

Silence. “I see.” More silence. Eli counted his heartbeats and watched Zane climb clumsily to his feet.

He waited for Kazaran to go on. The older man finally cleared his throat with a rough
harrumph.
Good at thinking on his feet, that one, and no bullshit either. “Your personal life is personal. I see no reason to concern myself further with the finer details. However, I feel I must warn you that many other faculty members wouldn't be quite as accepting. I assume you're aware of general prejudices.”

“I am. When I can, I like to prove those prejudices wrong. Dr. Kazaran, half those people you mention thought I'd last less than a year in med school. Now some of them, they're the ones asking me to come back and research with them, side by side. Pretty impressive, huh?”