And Yesterday Is Gone (41 page)

Sis and Ma had tossed and turned, but finally dropped off in an agitated sleep in the bedroom that Dr. Teddy had designed.

In the morning, the sitter had readied the girls for school. Their cereal bowls were still on the table beside Babe's forgotten lunch money.

Rica was awakened late in the afternoon by the insistent ring of the phone.

Juan announced that “Steve's been in surgery since ten this morning, but I've heard nothing else. Me? I slept at the hospital in a chair. Don't worry.”

Rica heard Ma's and Sis' voices in the kitchen. She walked in in her nightgown and gave them Juan's message. She poured herself a cup of coffee and patted Ma's shoulder as the older woman cried without tears.

“I think that's good news,” Sis said. “He's still alive.”

Rica became increasingly despondent, her hope fading, angry that against all pleas, Steve had done this to them, to all of them—her, the children, family and friends—for what? And she prayed fervently that he would recover.
How can I live without him? Damn this man who couldn't be satisfied with having had it all. Steve, Steve, come home. Please come home. You promised.

Dr. Teddy received an update from Dr. O'Connor.

“We have removed the front of the skull and discovered what the Germans missed. The shrapnel is embedded exactly between the lobes of the brain—a hair's breadth on both sides is the reason he's still alive. If that can be removed without disturbing that almost nonexistent margin, his chances are good.”

Dr. Teddy did not reveal this information. “If” was too strong a word.

Instead, she sent a car for Steve's family and they sat down to a dinner that under ordinary circumstances would have had Ma begging for the recipe.

Most of the food went back to the kitchen.

Conversation was subdued, with everyone immersed in his or her own thoughts.

Billy, who had cried his tears on Juan's shoulder, now sat in the library thumbing through a book with his eyes closed.

The hours dragged by. Why doesn't Juan call? They knew he had been staying at the hospital, coming home only to shower and change clothes.

It was late. Sara urged Ma, Sis and Rica to stay in a guest room.

Sis, with her arm around her mother, retired.

Billy had fallen asleep; his book had fallen to the floor. The girls were asleep on the sofa. Sara covered them and marveled at their resemblance to her beloved son.

Rica demurred. “I can't sleep; I'll be comfortable in this chair.”

Rica's eyes brimmed as she looked at her long-legged daughters crowding the sofa.
My beautiful girls,
she thought.
How quickly the last sixteen years have rushed by. Soon they will want their own lives; already boys are calling. Oh, Steve, my Steve, you can't leave us. We need you so.
She closed her eyes, but there was no sleep.

It was now one a.m.

•  •  •

The operating room door opened and Dr. O'Connor stepped out, holding his cap in one hand, rubbing his tousled hair with the other. His eyes were tired, his shoulders slumped. He was still in his bloodstained scrubs.

In spite of knowing that Juan would still be there, he was startled at Juan's almost instant appearance and asked, “Where did you come from so quickly?” Then jokingly added, “Have you been listening at the door?”

Juan pointed to a chair he had pulled from an alcove.

“Let me show you something,” the doctor said, and stepped back into the operating room.

He returned with a tray. On it lay a two-inch ribbon of steel. Juan looked at the death on a tray and shuddered. He put his head against the wall and his shoulders shook.

The doctor gave him a playful shake. “Stop or you'll have me there beside you and that will ruin my professional dignity. Call his wife.”

Dr. Teddy reached for the ringing phone, but Rica had it and listened while the rest held their breath. She dropped the phone, turned, and said in a voice she didn't recognize as human, “Thank God. They got it out and he's alive.”

The floor rose up to meet her. Ma caught her as she fell and held her as a child. “She is Steve's love—I must keep her safe for him.”

That night, Teddy said, “I'll say my own prayers tonight and I'll put in a good word for you.” She turned off the light.

Sara smiled to herself in the darkness.

The next morning the family met with the doctor and he explained the process they followed and added, “He also has a severe concussion and is probably deaf. His hearing may be partially regained. His foot is repaired, but he will always have a limp,” he smiled, “to remind him not to go to war again. We took out a lot of shrapnel. I have him in an induced coma for a couple of weeks or more to allow that head to heal with no movement.

“The Man upstairs did indeed guide my hand, but extracting that steel has taken years of my life—it was a difficult and scary surgery. He's in intensive care and you may visit briefly, but you won't see anything but bandages.”

He nodded to Juan. “Would you like to join me for coffee?”

Juan walked with him down the hall. He was impressed with this tall, lanky doctor who had the coppery red hair and blue eyes of the Irish. “The best surgeon in the city,” Dr. Teddy had declared.

Impressive, too, was the excellent personal treatment plan and interest shown. Steve lacked for nothing—he had the best that money could buy.

There was something about this doctor that caught Juan's interest and wouldn't go away. Was it the way his hands moved so surely, or the questioning look in those blue eyes?

•  •  •

Steve had been in an induced coma for two weeks, and Juan had spent part of every one of those days at Steve's bedside.

Dr. O'Connor frequently came by at the same time. The two men slowly built a friendship that gave comfort to both of them. It was during that time that Dr. O'Connor became “Shaun,” and Mr. Miguel became “Juan.”

Another week went by. The doctor shook his head and spoke quietly. “We took him off the medication a few days ago. He should be showing some positive signs by now. The shrapnel in his head came out in one piece. Pray an infection doesn't develop or that there isn't another sliver farther in. I dare not go back into the brain any deeper.”

Shaun saw the stricken look on Juan's face and laid a compassionate hand gently on his shoulder. His touch brought tears and the broken words, “I love him so.”

Utter desolation clawed at the hope that had begun to grow in Shaun's entire being. Pity followed for Juan who would never know the love he craved from this man who had a wife and a life so different from their own.

But hope dies hard, although the mute question in his eyes went unanswered as Juan's emotions conflicted and sought their identity.

Shaun's touch caused a strong, hot current of desire to flash through Juan's veins, and he struggled with feelings of guilt that he knew were ridiculous, but that place in his heart had always been inviolate for Steve.

As always, Shaun lingered, reading the charts, taking notes, waiting for Juan to appear.

Why can't I admit to what I feel? It's love. Why can't I just say it?
Shaun's reason demanded.
No, I won't run a poor second. It will have to come from him. It's too soon—there's still time.

The conflict in Juan's mind grew.
How can I love two men? I'll always love Steve, but I can't let Shaun go. I've been waiting all my life for someone to love me as I want to be loved. I feel Shaun loves me—it shows in every glance and hidden word.

Dr. O'Connor's professional cool betrayed him. The staff whispered: “He stumbles over his words.” “He doesn't hear a word I say.” “His mind is on another planet.”

Dr. Bower supported his associate with, “I think he's not well and is working himself to exhaustion, probably coming down with something. Give him a break.”

Dr. Teddy often accompanied Juan to the hospital and usually had long conversations with Dr. O'Connor about Steve. Her wise old eyes missed very little. She felt the tension between the two men and the reason was obvious.

She left her clinic early and drove home. Sara was painting, but pulled off the paint-spattered smock as Teddy arrived.

“Sara,” Teddy said as she tossed her coat over a chair, “can you please see if Mrs. Mackey has anything good to eat down there, and find a bottle of wine.” She walked quickly up the stairs to the study.

With the poker, the coals were quickly stirred up and, when a log was thrown on, the fire crackled. Teddy found her favorite place on the sofa that Sara teased had the full imprint of her bottom forever indented in the cushion. She kicked off her shoes and leaned back as Sara appeared with a plate of cookies and the wine.

“Fresh cookies. These should spoil your appetite for the roast Mrs. Mackey has in the oven.”

“Sit down, my love. I'll pour the wine. Where are the glasses? Or must I drink out of the bottle?” Teddy asked, looking about.

“On the table beside you. You sound like you've already tasted the fruit of the vine. What makes you so happy?”

“Happy? Astounded. You will be, too.

“The unbelievable has happened. I strongly suspect that Juan is in love with Steve's doctor, and it's obvious, at least to me, that the feeling is mutual.” She paused to fill her glass.

“Dr. O'Connor is the best young surgeon in the city with a great future. I am so happy for Juan. I know Steve will be happy for him, too. Breaks my heart, though, that Steve is still swathed in bandages, many of which should be ready to come off, yet he's still comatose. They took enough metal out of him to build a railroad, but it's that piece that was in his head that's causing the problem.”

“I don't want to talk about Steve's problems now that you've opened Pandora's box,” Sara said as she moved closer. “Tell me, hurry,” but then she interrupted herself. “I could see such changes in Juan. His painting—what little he does of it—has completely changed. Wild, crazy colors; he's just smearing his canvas. Everything is so different from what he's always done. Of course, I have attributed that to his concern for Steve.

“This would be the first man who has ever captured Juan's interest, and there have been many who tried.” She paused to refill their glasses and pulled the cookies closer.

Teddy sipped her wine, her eyes following the reflection of the fire in her glass. She spoke thoughtfully. “It is obvious to me that there is a very strong attraction there. I know Juan feels guilty. It has always been Steve and Steve needs to cut the cord. It is choking Juan's future and Steve would never want that.

“I pray he will recover consciousness. He has had a rough time; it is miraculous that Dr. O'Connor has kept him alive.”

Laughing, Teddy added, “Juan acts like a schoolboy. After all these solitary years, happiness is within his reach. I think they are both afraid to face it squarely, afraid of the hurt that rejection would bring.

“Of course, Dr. O'Connor is aware of Juan's feelings for Steve. I feel he is waiting for Juan to get that into perspective. They are very formal in my presence, like two schoolboys in the principal's office, but I can tell.”

She turned and laid her arm around Sara's shoulders to pull her close, then spoke softly.

“Sara, I know how you love him, but do you love him enough to push him out of the nest?”

Sara looked up, surprised. Was that a flash of anger in her eyes? She pulled away.

Teddy, unruffled, continued. “He promised that he would never leave you and only you can let him go. Let him live in his own house and have the life we all dream of. Deep down, he is a very lonely man.

“All our love cannot fill that void—that emptiness—that cries out for someone to wake up with in the morning.

“Sara, we've enjoyed that happiness for more years than I can remember. Give him his chance now, for a life that we've lived with such peace and happiness.”

Sara was troubled. Of course, Teddy's words made perfect sense to her. Juan could travel the world over with someone that he loved, but she would always have her place in his heart, as he would live in hers.

Teddy seem so sure that the doctor is seriously in love with Juan and I see it in Juan's actions, too, Sara thought, and knew she would not stand in the way of his happiness.

That evening at dinner, after the general talk of the day had dwindled, Sara turned to Juan.

“Teddy has surprised me with the good news that she is retiring in thirty days. We are going to do what we've promised ourselves for a long time. We're going to travel before we get too old. We may even winter on the French Riviera. Won't that be wonderful?”

Juan looked shocked. “Mamá, this is so very sudden. I don't know that I can do that. I have a very big deal working and, of course, there's Steve. I'd like to, but…”

Sara got up and put her arms around him. “My dearest son, this isn't about you. This is for us—two old ladies having their last fling. We plan to close up this big house. Mrs. Mackey has been wanting to move in with her sister. Mr. Mackey is ready, too—these big grounds are too much for him now. You have your lovely house close to Steve and Rica. What would Billy do without you? And what about Dr. O'Connor?”

At the sound of his name, Juan flushed. “He's just a friend.”

“Teddy says he'd like to be more than a friend.”

“Mamá, you're embarrassing me.” But he couldn't keep the smile from his voice.

“We've scheduled our flight already. In five weeks, we'll be in the air. Our first stop is Paris. Wish us well, my son,” she said as the tears wet her cheeks.

Teddy had never loved her more.

“Now I must spend some time at my own house. The kitchen needs a different color and my yardman is slacking on the job.” Juan's voice had a lilt that Sara had never heard before.