Annihilate Me (Vol. 4) (The Annihilate Me Series) (28 page)

I was aware that Tank was saying something
to us, but I wasn’t listening.
 
I
was locked in the past.
 
My ironclad
box had dissolved.
 
I felt too
exposed and vulnerable to look at him now, so I just shut him out and
remembered what I’d written.

“I feel as if I owe you many apologies for
the walls I
’
ve thrown up and for some
of the ways I
’
ve behaved, all of which
are borne out of the rotten root that is my past.
 
So, please accept my apologies.
 
All my life, I
’
ve resisted love.
 
All my life, I
’
ve felt unworthy of love because I was told
time and again that I didn
’
t
deserve love.
 
And I stupidly
believed it when it
’
s the
last thing I should have believed.
 
You know about my trust issues, yet you stood by me and waited them out
because you saw something in me.
 
Whatever that is, Alex, I
’
ll never
know, because to me, it
’
s a
mystery.
 
But you
’
ve been patient with me because, for
whatever reason, you do love me—I can feel your love.
 
I can feel it in how you look at me, in
how you touch me, in how you kiss me, and in how you make love to me.
 
And I
’
m grateful for it.
 
I
’
m
the luckiest girl in the world.

“Whatever is happening to us now will be
weathered together.
 
I want you to
know that.
 
Sometimes I won
’
t be perfect and there are times that I
might be frightened by what
’
s
happening, but I need you to know that I
’
m
with you and beside you and that we will beat this.
 
And we
’
ll beat the next one if it comes.
 
And the one after that, should it come.

“I love you with all of my heart, Alex.
 
You
’
re my first thought, you are my in-between
thoughts, and you
’
re my
last thought.
 
I love you so
much.
 
Thank you for being the
wonderful boyfriend that you are.
 
Thank you for coming out of Wenn that day to help me pick up my runaway
resumes, and especially thank you for going to Blackwell to ask who I was.
 
If you didn
’
t, I wouldn
’
t know what love is.
 
But I do know now.
 
I love you.
 
—Jennifer.”

And I do love you.
 
I love you so much, Alex.
 
Why am I being so complacent?
 
Am I just fried at this point?
 
I should be fighting for you.
 
For us.
 
What the hell is wrong with me?

Tank
tried to jolt me into the present.
 
“Jennifer?
 
Are you listening
to me?”

I
looked at him, and then I looked at Alex, whose brow was furrowed.
 
His eyes searched mine.

Do
you still love me the way that I love you?
 
Do you still believe in your own letter?
 
And what about me?
 
After writing my own letter to you, am I
a fraud for shutting down because I’m scared to death that you’ll leave me?
 
I said that we’d weather this together,
and I meant it.
 
I’ve proved it by
sticking by you and believing in us.
 
Despite what you think, I want to fight for that, not back down and
accept anything less.
 
I need to
turn this around now.

“Jennifer.”

“I’m
sorry,” I said, thinking quick on my feet.
 
“I was lost for a moment while watching the cameras go off.
 
I was thinking about how we’d get around
them.
 
I apologize.
 
Are we ready?”

I
was aware that Alex hadn’t turned away from me.
 
I could see him looking at me out of my
peripheral vision.
 
He was studying
me.

“We’re
ready.
 
Did you hear what I said to
Alex?”

“Some
of it.
 
Sorry—I was
distracted.”

“We
don’t stand in line.
 
We go straight
inside.
 
We bypass the line.
 
Do not stop for photos.
 
Some photos obviously will be taken of
you, but I want to limit the number.
 
If you’re sent a photo, I want to know that it came from Henri’s
penthouse.
 
OK?”

“OK.”

“Are
you ready?”

“I
am if Alex is.”

“I’m
ready,” he said.

“I’ll
get out first.
 
You two know the
rest.”

And
within minutes, Alex and I were rushed out of the car and hurried inside.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Once
we were in the lobby, Tank waited to make sure we had the elevator to ourselves
before he let us into it.

“I’ll
be right behind you,” he said.
 
“When
you’re in the penthouse, call me if you sense that anything is wrong.”

Alex
pressed the button marked “PH.”
 
The
doors slid shut.
 
The car started to
rise.
 
And I knew that I needed to
act now before it was too late.
 
I
looked at him and said, “Do you remember the last time we were here?
 
At Henri’s birthday party?”

“On
the rooftop?
 
Yes.”

“And
the letter you wrote to me?”

“I
carry that letter in my heart.”

I
didn’t expect that, and for a moment, it took me aback.
 
“I need to ask you something,” I said.
 
“I need to know if you still feel the
same way.”

“Of
course I do.”

“All
of it?”

“Every
bit of it.
 
Look, Jennifer, whatever
happened this morning was a misunderstanding.
 
I’ve felt terrible about it all
day.
 
But how much more can I expect
you to take?
 
I’m frightened for
your life.
 
All I wanted you to know
is that if you felt that you needed to leave me to protect yourself, I’d
understand.
 
Why wouldn’t I want
that for you?
 
Look what you’ve been
through.
 
But that said,
understanding does not mean wanting.
 
OK?
 
It would kill me if you
left, but it’s not what I
want
.
 
I don’t want that at all.
 
What I said this morning came out wrong.”

I
turned and kissed him with everything I had within me.
 
He took me in his arms, and kissed me
back so fiercely that he nearly took my breath away.
 

“I’m
so sorry,” I said when we parted.
 
“I thought for sure that if nothing good came from tonight, you’d ask me
to leave tomorrow morning.
 
I know
you want to protect me.
 
I can feel
it.
 
But I don’t want to go.
 
I told you in my letter that we’d
weather this together, and I meant it.
 
I will always mean it, regardless of what comes our way.
 
I’m beyond in love with you, Alex.
 
I’m so crazy for you, it apparently made
me crazy this morning.”

He
put the palm of his hand against the side of my face as the elevator thrummed
into the sky and then started to slow.
 
“Look.
 
At this point,
there’s only so much pressure each of us can take before our emotions get the
best of us.
 
And finally they did.”

“I’m
not leaving you.”

“I
don’t want you to.
 
I never wanted
you to.
 
I just thought—”

“I
know what you thought.
 
But it’s not
happening.”

He
smiled at that, and finally the dimples I loved so much were back, right along
with the sparkle in his eyes.
 
“OK,”
he said.

My
heart was beating so fast.
 
I felt a
little faint, and more than just a little alive.
 
I lifted my hair off my neck and shook
it out.
 
I was so worked up, I was
starting to perspire.
 
“Good,” I
said.
 
“Because I’m not going
anywhere.”

“I
think I understand that now.”

I
fanned my face with my hands.
 
“God,
I’m hot right now.”

“That
you are.”

He
wrapped me in his arms and kissed me again just as the elevator stopped.
 
The doors slid open, and we were bathed
in staccato rhythms of light as the paparazzi, who were waiting beyond the
elevator, took our photos in such rapid succession, it was almost difficult to
see.
 
We stepped away from each
other and faced the cameras, and Alex reached for my hand before we walked into
the crowd.

The
party was upon us, but what did it hold for us?
 
That’s what worried me.
 
Alex squeezed my hand more tightly than
he ever had.
 
I faced him, and he
winked at me, and then I rested my head on his shoulder while the paps called
out for us to give them just one more shot.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

When
we were beyond the paparazzi, I took Alex aside.
 
“I have an admission,” I said.

“That
sounds ominous.”

“It
isn’t.”

“What
is it?”

“I
don’t think anything is going to happen tonight.”

“You
don’t?”

“I
don’t.
 
I think that after what
happened at Saks, whoever is behind this isn’t here now.
 
They’re too smart for that.
 
They’ll know we’ll be surrounded by
security.”

“I
have to admit that earlier today, I came to the same conclusion.”

“I
think we’re throwing darts at this point.
 
First it was this group, then it was that group, but with no concrete
evidence to support either.
 
It’s as
if we’re on a train to Whimsville.
 
I could be wrong.
 
In fact, I
hope I’m wrong.
 
Maybe tonight we’ll
have the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for.
 
But I don’t think it’s going to happen.”

“Just
don’t let your guard down, OK?”

“I
won’t.
 
I’m taking this
seriously.
 
Someone has to watch out
for you, you know?”

He
let a beat of silence pass before he said, “I also have an admission.”

“Do
tell.”

“I
wish we could be together right now.”
 

“Oh,
do you?”

“I
do.”
 

I
saw him glance at my breasts, which were barely concealed thanks to Blackwell’s
revealing choice of dress, and then he rested his hand just above my ass.
 
The material was so thin, I could feel
the heat of his palm against me.
 
He
leaned toward my ear, and I felt his stubble brush against my skin, which would
send me over the edge if he wasn’t careful.
 
In a low voice, he said, “The things I’d
do to you if I could have you now.”

“You’re
going to ruin me if you keep this up.”

“Maybe
I do want to ruin you, but in the best way.”

“I’m
starting to get hot again.”

“You
think I’m not?”

“I
think you need a cold shower.”

“I
think I need my mouth between your legs.”

“I’ve
officially become a furnace.”

“Think
of me there.
 
You know how that
feels.
 
And then think of me inside
of you, driving into you.
 
Filling
you.
 
That’s where I want to be
right now.”