Antagonize Me (14 page)

Tanner picks me up and spins me around, making me laugh. “I’ve missed you. Don’t leave it this long again,” he orders, placing me back down gently to the floor. I kiss his cheek and walk over to Kyrone who’s patiently standing at the door with my bags.

The ride to the airport is silent, both of us lost in our thoughts. When we arrive, his hand stops me from getting out. I turn to face him and his face tightens.

“I’ll miss you,” he says, picking up my hand and kissing it. He places a present in my hand and tells me not open until later. I smile and get out, watching him drive away from the airport doors and wonder what it would be like to really know him, to know what he loves and likes. I know how he likes sex and he knows a shitload about me.

Once he’s gone, I open the present he left me with. It’s a copy of
Dirty Dancing
and box of chocolates. My smile is forced now, trying to hide the pieces of my heart that have shattered with his gift. It’s nothing special to anyone else, but to us, well, it was our beginning.

***

It will be another two years before I see Kyrone again. Two very long years with things changing tremendously in both our lives.

I currently live in Los Angeles. I chose to live closer to my grandfather as he’s very sick. I run the blog at FAM magazine because Zara, my boss, didn’t want me to leave the company. Instead, she promoted me and let me transfer to be closer to home. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer two years ago, not long after my trip to Texas, but we didn’t know what he had then. He told me he was fine, but I could hear it in his voice and I flew out to see him one weekend. He looked so sick I took him straight to the hospital. It turns out he had cancer in his bowel. They have carried out a few surgeries on him already, but it has spread and it is terminal. Now it’s just a waiting game, which scares the shit out of me. He’s basically the only family I have left in this world, the only one that loves and cares for me constantly. I don’t know what I’ll do when he isn’t here anymore and I’m afraid my heart won’t take it. I cry at the thought of him being gone and I don’t know what will happen when the time comes.

He’s in the hospital now and doesn’t leave. The doctors say it’s only a matter of days. Days, they say! They act like it’s an everyday occurrence to tell someone you only have days to spend with the one person you love unconditionally. As I leave the hospital, my spirit is broken. I feel like a walking zombie some days; forcing my smile when I see him and not breaking down when I leave.

My phone starts buzzing in my hand and, without looking to see who it is, I press the reject button. I don’t want to talk. I want to go to bed and cry. I want to cry for him leaving me and cry for him going away. I want to scream at cancer and its incurable ass.

Once I arrive home, I do my daily duties and read all my emails, then post to all the social media platforms, as well as our blog. When that’s done, I collapse on my bed. My phone goes off again, it’s Hillary. She never stops calling, wanting to know how things are.
What can she do
?
Do I need her?
It’s always the same questions and I always give the same answers.
Nothing and no!

I try to shift my mind away from everything and my mind drifts to
him.
The person I see everywhere now, at celebrity events, in modeling advertisements and on television. I can’t escape him. Even two years later, he’s still in my dreams and thoughts.

Last night he was at a red carpet award event with a model on his arm. He was smiling at her the same way he used to smile at me. He’s been seeing her for nearly six months now, and yes, I do stalk him, even if it brings me pain to do so. I like to know how his life has been and what he’s been doing.

He looks happy though, and he doesn’t look like his usual self when he’s having just a fling. In all the pictures he’s holding her and kissing her. With each picture, my heart breaks just that bit more, but I don’t have a right to be mad or angry. I left and wouldn’t give it a chance. It was impossible though, at the time our lives were so different, so busy. At least he has someone on his level now, someone he can see when he pleases and someone who will put him first. I wasn’t able to make the time for him, so I guess I brought it on myself really. Watching his happiness while I break slowly each day, well, some would call it karma. I don’t know what I would call it… maybe a bitch.

My phone starts ringing again, I’m going to have to answer it because she won’t stop until I do. I know how persistent Hillary can be when she wants something.

“Yeah?” I answer the phone while lying on my small, single bed. There was no need to get another house and I’m back to where I was before I left – in my grandfather’s house while he’s in the hospital.

“Oh my God, you finally answered. I’ve been worried sick!” she shrieks through the phone. I pull it away from my ear so I can’t hear her incessant screeching. “CJ,” I vaguely hear her call and place the phone back to my ear.

“Yeah,” I reply dryly.

“I want to come out there to be with you. I think you need a friend,” she says, getting emotional. I can’t do emotional right now, I just don’t need it.

“No Hillary, I’m busy. I have too much to do. Please don’t come,” I say practically begging her.

“You will call me though, once you need me? I will fly straight to you,” she asks in question. I nod my head and then realize she can’t see me.

“Yes,” I reply quietly.

“I feel like I should be there with you,” she says so softly I almost miss it.

“No, I like my alone time, Hillary.” Half is true, half is not. Alone time brings bad thoughts, but I can’t handle company either at the moment.

“Okay, I love you, CJ,” she says sincerely.

“Love you too, Hill,” I say before I disconnect.

Hillary is still in our old apartment in New York. She didn’t want to leave and wanted it to be somewhere I could come home to when I decide to go back. I just don’t think I will go back. There’s nothing there for me anymore. I can work anywhere and right now, I’m needed where I am, in Los Angeles.

I lay my head on the pillow and try for sleep. Sleep that brings bad dreams and bad memories. It’s like I’m being tortured for being tired, like someone wants me to live through all this pain. I dream of a life without Granddad in it and I usually wake up in tears, tears that were streaming down my face while I slept. I try so hard to think happy thoughts before I pass out, but as soon as I start to drift off, my phone rings again. I don’t know who it is and no one rings me this late. I look at the caller ID and my gut collapses onto the floor. It’s the hospital and there’s only one reason they’d ring this late.

“Hi, Miss Johnson?” the man asks.

“Yes,” I reply shaking.

“You are the next of kin for Mr. Charles Johnson. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

“He has taken a bad turn and I’d advise that if you want to see him, it would be best to do so immediately,” he says.

I hang up the phone, throw on the clothes nearest to me and race all the way to the hospital, breaking all the speed limits possible.

I run to his room and a man stops me just before I enter. He’s young, probably not much older than I am. I look up at him, he has his hand on my arm and I throw him a glare.

He removes his hand and steps back. “I’m sorry. Are you the young lady here to see Mr. Johnson?” he asks, and I nod my head. His eyes grow soft and I know what he’s about to say. I want to cover my ears and just ignore his words.

“I’m sorry, Miss Johnson, he tried to wait, but he passed away five minutes ago,” he says, dropping his head. I nod my head and turn back around. I hear words, but nothing is reaching my ears. I keep walking until I reach my car, where I sit for hours not knowing what to do or how to do it. I have nothing… no one.

My window is tapped sometime in the morning. I look up and notice the young doctor, the doctor that will now haunt my dreams. He smiles softly and I wind my window down. He looks into my eyes and then reaches through my window and passes me a coffee. I take it because, well fuck, I don’t know. Then he walks off without saying a word. He just bought me coffee for being weird and sitting like a freak in his hospital parking lot all night.

I sit in the same spot until my coffee is cold and my legs are dead. My phone starts buzzing. I look at the time and see it's after six a.m. I’ve been sitting in this same spot for well over six hours. Six hours of not moving.

When I arrive home, it’s even quieter than when I left if that’s possible. I take a shower and start to arrange the funeral, trying to have it all sorted so it’s out of the way. My mind and body are on autopilot by the time I ring Hillary to break the news to her. She cries on the phone and tells me she’ll be on the next flight. I nod my head and hang the phone up. I don’t have any family to call, so I call Granddad’s work friends who have come to see him constantly since he’s been in the hospital. He has worked with the same men for years, his close friends. At around lunchtime, there’s a knock on the door. I’ve called everyone I can think of and now I just want to sleep. I ignore the knock and turn the shower on, hoping to drown out whoever it is, but the knocking gets louder with each bang. I wrap a towel around my body and swing the door open, ready to yell at whoever is obnoxiously hammering on my door. I stop dead in my tracks. He looks good. He always looks good, his charming looks are what drew me to him in the first place. He isn’t smiling now though, he looks sad and I realize he knows. Hillary must have told him.

“I don’t want company,” I say and start to shut the door in his face. He scrunches his nose up and stops the door easily.

“You do. You just don’t know it yet.” He tries to smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Trust me, I don’t,” I reply dryly.

“I’m coming in and we’re going to have dinner. You look like you haven’t eaten for days,” he tells me, holding up a bag of Chinese food. My stomach growls loudly and I let him in, watching as he enters. As he reaches me, he leans in and kisses my cheek. “Go… shower…” He shoos me away. I oblige and walk to the shower, wondering why he’s here and how he arrived so fast, considering I’ve only just spoken to Hillary.

I don’t wonder anymore as I move under the warm shower and stay until the water runs cold. I’m shaking and I feel a hand touch me, but I don’t jump or act surprised. I let him turn off the shower and pick me up. He places me in a towel and I don’t say a word while I let him guide me around like I’m a child.

“You need to eat,” he says after he pulls a nightie over my head and down my body. I follow him quietly to the kitchen, where the food is more than likely cold now. I eat two bites of rice and it’s all I can stomach. I stand and go to my single bed. He follows and squeezes in next to me and brushes my hair like he used to, which lulls me to sleep.

“I’ll stay,” I vaguely hear him say as he kicks off his shoes.

“Tanner,” is all I say before I pass out, wondering why he’s here.