Anywhere But Here (31 page)

Kellen

June 6

Senior year . . .

Senior night.

Was this really fucking necessary?

According to Shae it was. It was like a pre-graduation graduation. But whatever. She wanted to come and she wanted me here. So here I was. In a button down and friggin khakis no less. Damn the things I would do for that girl. Something felt tight in my throat. I loosened the collar, unbuttoning the top button, but it didn’t help, and I didn’t see Shae anywhere in this damn gym. We’d arrived together, but I lost her immediately when Principal Miller snatched her away. As class president and valedictorian she had to make speeches and address the class every other day it seemed. I was proud as shit of her. But all this graduation stuff felt a little . . . suffocating, like there was a noose around my neck.

Five days.

All my classmates were counting down the minutes. They couldn’t wait to get out of here. I was definitely looking forward to saying goodbye to high school, but there were other things I was not ready to say goodbye to, but the tightness in my chest and throat told me that’s exactly what I would have to do. It fucking sucked.

For more than a month I’d been putting Shae off whenever she wanted to talk about our plans after graduation, hoping I would think of a way to make it work out like I kept promising her it would. I just didn’t know how. Whatever magic answer, if one existed, was eluding me. In less than three months time, Shae would be off to New York City and Columbia University, and I . . . well I would still be right here in Conway.

I’d already looked it up and done the math. It was six-hundred-sixty-four miles from my front door to the university. That was a ten hour drive or a two hour plane ride. One-hundred-fifty bucks in gas or two-hundred bucks on a ticket. That was if we even gave the long distance thing a shot. Fuck I wanted to, but I was realistic enough to know that at some point I’d still probably have to let her go for good. College was a big deal. Columbia was an even bigger deal. She would be so wrapped up in her new classes. New people. New guys. Guys like Jeremy Fucking Black who had the impressive backgrounds and were going to make something of their lives.

Fuck, is it hot in here or is it just me?

I tugged at my collar again. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I knew it didn’t really have anything to do with the temperature in this stuffy gym.

I needed to find Shae. She would make this feeling go away. Her presence had a way of calming me and convincing me that somehow we could do this. There were still ten minutes ‘til this show got on the road and we all had to be in our seats. I just wanted to see her smile and look into those eyes, the ones that believed in us, that believed in me.

Instead, I found a much cooler pair narrowed on me. Her mouth was pinched in a distasteful frown.

“Mrs. Bradford,” I acknowledged her as politely as I could and then started around her.

“You need to stop this charade.”

“Excuse me?”

“You and my daughter. It’s gone on long enough.”

“I think that’s for me and Shae to decide, not you,” I pointed out sourly.

“You’re only going to make it harder on the both of you. It’s better to just get it over with now, rather than prolong the inevitable,” she declared as if it was as certain as the passing of the day.

“You don’t know a damn thing about your daughter or me.”

“I know that she has goals and aspirations. I know that if she quits these dalliances, she has a bright and successful future ahead of herself. The only thing you’ll do for her is drag her down.”

“I would never hold Shae back,” I ground out through a clenched jaw.

“Oh, no? Because the way I see it, you’re a dead weight attached to my daughter, and as long as she’s trying to drag you along with her, she’ll never make it very far. Columbia University is a serious school. Shae does not need any distractions. Her priorities at the moment are split. How well do you think she’ll do if her mind is back here on you, because I doubt very much that you got into Columbia with her? Tell me, what school did you get into?”

I didn’t say a damn word, because we both knew the answer to that. I hadn’t even applied, against Shae’s objections.

“Precisely what I thought. So while she’s off receiving a first rate education, ensuring her future, you’ll be what exactly? Waiting tables and washing dishes? And then what? She moves back here and settles for whatever second rate job she can find in this town and you two will be married and have children and live happily ever after struggling to make ends meet? Or will you follow her when she lands the career of her dreams and let her support you while you take some menial, blue collar job that can barely put food on the table. Yes, I can tell you have my daughter’s best interests at heart,” she scoffed and then turned on her heels to go take a seat in the bleachers with the rest of the parents. I was left standing there with a knife in my chest.

She’s right.

You’re a dead weight.

Shae shouldn’t ever have to settle for anything, least of all whatever mediocre life I could offer her here.

I finally spotted her, standing up front with the principal and the school counselors and administrators. She was beaming with excitement and pride. Me being here was a joke. There were no honors that would come after my name, no awards to be handed out, no college acceptance. I thought about just bailing, but I couldn’t do that to Shae. I couldn’t ruin her night, even though mine was only getting worse.

“I see you and Mrs. Bradford are like two peas in a pod,” Cammie smirked as she walked up to me. “From the look on your face, I’d say she sank her claws in deep.”

“Yeah, she’s not my biggest fan.” I was still watching Shae.

“She’s not anybody’s, but since when do you give a shit? And while we’re at it, since when are virgins your thing?”

I turned my head to look at her with a raised brow. “What do you want Cammie?”

She pressed in closer and dropped her voice to a husky whisper. “A better question would be, what do you want, Nash? Because I doubt you’re getting it from Miss Priss.”

I shook my head in disgust and took a step back. “You’re a bitch and a shitty friend.” I brushed past her, seeing D and Trin gathered in a group with Sam and Jeff on the other side of the gym.

“And you’re just the guy she’s going to leave in the dust like all the rest of us,” she shot back. I ignored her and kept walking, but just like Mrs. Bradford’s, her words hit their mark.

Eventually Shae was going to want more than I could give her, even if she didn’t think so now. She didn’t know what it was like to have to struggle, or go to a job day in and out that you wasn’t what you wanted just because it was the only option. That shit got old real fast. Having my own shop, that was years down the road if it ever happened, and I was probably kidding myself thinking I could pull it off. Besides working at Brook’s and tinkering on my piece of shit car when it broke down, I didn’t have many other skill sets that could lead to gainful employment. My art was all I really had going for me, and I couldn’t do shit with that unless I could find a tattoo shop willing to take me in and train me. My hopes weren’t real fucking high. The messing around D and I did on fruit with old, shitty equipment wouldn’t count for much.

Shae said she could see our future together, but I didn’t know what the fuck she saw that made her want it so bad. All I could see was her bringing me to some fancy ass work party ten years down the road, where she introduced me to all of her colleagues and her boss, probably some rich CEO asshole, because whatever Shae did, it was going to be big and she was going to be successful, and I would still be nothing. When one of them would inevitably ask me what I did, I’d have to admit it, and then I’d see the look on their faces, like
what the hell is she doing with a loser like him
?

How long would it take for her to get tired of being with a guy who was never going to make something big of himself? How long would it take for her to start feeling like she settled?

I wasn’t willing to find out. I wasn’t going to do that to either one of us.

Shae

June 7

Senior year . . .

“You’re quieter than usual.” I reached for his hand and wove my fingers with his. He let me. “What’s on your mind?” He was staring out over the yard like he was searching for the answers to some unsolvable problem.

His eyes shifted to my face. “Just thinking.”

“About . . .” I prodded.

“A lot of things.”

I let out a little huff, “Like?”

“Like what’s going to happen after Friday.”

I smiled. Finally he was ready to talk about our plans. “Whatever we want. That’s what’s so exciting. We can do anything.”

The frown lines on his forehead deepened. I smoothed a finger over them. “Why don’t you look excited? You should be excited.”

He leaned back, pulling away from my touch. “What exactly do I have to be excited about Shae? Staying here while you run off to New York?”

A knot formed in my stomach. “Or you could come with me,” I suggested hopefully.

“You already know I can’t,” he sighed.

“I know you say that, but really why not?”

“If I go, who’s going to take care of Trin?”

“Why can’t she move in with Angela? She spends most of her time there anyway, and I’ve heard her mention more than once that she thinks they’d let her.” Trin was on my side. She didn’t want Kellen to feel like he was burdened with her, even though I knew that’s not how it was for him. He loved his sister and I loved that he loved her so much. But he deserved a life too.

“I’m not going to pawn my sister off on other people. I’m her family. Not them.”

“Okay, but have you talked about it with her?”

“I don’t need to Shae. I’m not taking off so that when she needs me I’m ten hours away.”

My shoulders slumped as I realized he wasn’t going to change his mind. “Okay, then she’s only got a few years left of high school. I can just register at Coastal for the fall and transfer to Columbia or another bigger university when we’re ready to leave.”

That suggestion only seemed to darken his already black mood. “You’re not going to fucking Coastal, Shae.”

“Why not? It’s a good school.”

“Because you got into Columbia. Columbia, Shae! You’d be an idiot to give that up.”

A hot flush crept up my face. “So I’m an idiot for wanting to stay with you?” My voice was thick with emotion.

He let out a heavy breath. “That’s not what I meant. You just can’t stay. Not for me. I won’t let you give that up for me.”

“But it’s my choice too,” I muttered weakly.

“I’m not going to let you make a stupid one, though. I can’t do it. You’d regret it later.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” I protested.

“You’re not staying, Shae. You’re going to Columbia,” he said it like it was final.

“Okay, so I’m going and you’re staying,” I swallowed thickly. “We can make it work. Lots of couples go away to different schools anyway.”

“And most of them break up.”

My heart stopped in my chest for a minute, and then started beating double time as fear set it. I tore at the grass with my fingers, almost afraid to look at him, but I needed to see his eyes. “What are you saying, Kellen?” I asked softly, praying with everything inside of me that it wasn’t what I thought.

“I’m saying I don’t know what we’re doing, or why we’re kidding ourselves when it’s only going to get harder the longer we drag this out.”

I felt like I’d been socked in the chest and had the wind knocked out of me. My throat closed up and I struggled to draw in a breath. “You don’t mean that,” I forced the choked words out.

“Yes I do,” he said firmly, but was unable to look me in the eye.

“No you don’t,” I jerked my head side to side, refusing to accept what he was saying. “I don’t know where this is coming from, but I don’t believe it.”

“Then get your head out of the clouds and wake up Shae! This isn’t a fairy-tale. This is real fucking life and we don’t always get the ending we want. We were only dreaming thinking this thing could work.”

I felt my face blanch and tears pool in my eyes. “You don’t want to be with me anymore?” I could barely make my lips form the words.

His angry expression softened into a pained one. “It’s not about what I want. There’s a lot of shit I want that I can’t have, and it’s best to admit it now before either one of us is in any deeper.”

“Any deeper?” I breathed out my disbelief, pressing a hand to my abdomen. “I’m already in as deep as it gets. I thought you were too.”

He winced almost imperceptibly. “Don’t make this harder Shae.”

“Then don’t do this!” I cried. “Just stop! You’re scared and worried and I get it, so am I, but I’m willing to fight for this, to make it work. Why aren’t you?”

“Because I don’t see the point,” he shouted and everything inside of me crumbled. “Aren’t you tired of pretending everything is perfect between us when it isn’t?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the fucking lies Shae. Your lies. You think I don’t know that you’re only pretending to be fine when we stay in for the tenth night in a row because I can’t afford to take you to the movies, or out to dinner, or even buy you a fucking Valentine’s gift that cost more than some shitty five dollar box of chocolates? You think you’re doing me some favor by hiding what you really want, but you’re not. So what is the point Shae? What is the point of us if I can’t even give you what you want?”

“I thought the point was that I love you and you love me back,” I choked through a sob that was tearing at me, trying to work its way out.

He wouldn’t look at me, just stared out at nothing with a stony expression.

“Don’t do this Kellen, please don’t do this,” I begged softly, reaching for his arm, but he shook me off, meeting my broken gaze with his hard one.

“I’m doing what’s right for both of us.”

“If it’s the right thing, then why does it feel like this? Why does it feel like I’m dying?”

He ducked his eyes, drawing in a deep breath before he looked back up. “You’ll get over it. We both will.”

My mouth went slack as I tried to comprehend how he could be so callous, how this could be the same guy I’d fallen in love with over the last nine months since he sat down next to me in third period. “You can’t mean that.”

“I do. I’m sorry, but I do. As hard as this is, try to imagine how much harder it would be at the end of the summer, or six months or a year from now, when we both get tired of the long distance, or meet someone else–”

“I’m not going to meet someone else!” I cringed at the sound of my own desperation.

“You don’t know that. Neither one of us knows what not seeing each other every day will do. You’ll be focused on your classes and meeting new people, and I’ll be here.”

I shook my head and pushed myself up to my feet, shaking my head. “I can’t do this. I can’t listen to you throw us away and tell me you’re not even willing to try.”

He rose to his feet as well. “Shae, I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m trying to save us both more pain down the road.”

“You don’t know that! You said it yourself, neither one of us knows what’s going to happen. We could make it work.” It didn’t matter what I said though, I could already see the look of resignation on his face.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t think we can and I don’t want to put either one of us through that.”

“You’re just afraid to take a chance!” The first tear fell. “How long have you been planning to do this? Huh? What was the point of all of it,” I flung my arms out, “if you never believed we had a chance? Why? Why would you make me fall in love with you if you were just going to end it?” The tears were running in streaks, unashamedly, down my face now.

His eyes closed and he squeezed his forehead, dragging his hand up and through his hair, pulling at it in frustration. “I never expected this, okay! I never wanted to hurt you . . . I just wanted . . . I just–I don’t know, but I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen, for you to get hurt like this.”

“Then what did you mean to happen?” God, this couldn’t be happening.

Tell me this isn’t really happening.

“I’m sorry.” He kept saying it. It was all he could say, but it didn’t make any of this right.

“I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry!” I cried, wrapping my arms around my stomach. “I just want this last five minutes to be erased. I want to go back! God, I just want to go back to a month ago when you brought me out here and made me believe we could have everything! Why can’t you believe it? Did you ever?”

“I wanted to.”

I choked back an ugly sob. “Then why can’t you?”

He didn’t say anything. I waited, like a fool, for him to tell me why, to make sense of this, but he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, and I couldn’t stand there a second longer. Choking back another cry, I spun around and ran through the yard, around the side of the house to the driveway where my car was parked.

I threw myself behind the wheel and as I slammed the door closed, the last shred of control I was hanging to slipped and an awful sob was wrenched from my throat. I tried to suck in breaths, gasping through the tears that wouldn’t stop. My entire body was racked with tremors and my hands shook as I tried to slide the key into the ignition and start the car. It revved to life, the radio with it, blasting Taylor Swift’s latest love song. I smacked at the dash control, silencing it, and then gripped the steering wheel tightly, struggling to pull myself together enough to drive out of here.

I made the mistake of glancing up at my rearview, and he was standing there, watching me with an unreadable expression. He wasn’t close enough for me to see his eyes, but I didn’t think I could stand to see what was in them anyway. I threw my car into drive and peeled out of there, rapidly blinking back the hot tears that blurred my vision, but the further away I got, the harder it was to breathe and the faster the tears came.