Anywhere But Here (30 page)

My brow furrowed. “You want to know what time it is?”

She nodded enthusiastically.

“Shit,” I grumbled and tried to reach for my phone on the cooler beside the bed without toppling her over. “You could have just grabbed it.”

“What time is it?”

I lit up the screen. “Twelve-oh-seven.”

Her eyes lit and her grin spread. “Technically it’s not prom night anymore.”

Fuuuuuuuck.

“No it’s not,” I said calmly. I was sure she could feel my growing excitement even as I battled it.

“And I know you want to take your time, and do everything right and make it special, but you’ve already done that. I can’t imagine any other moment being more perfect or special than this one, right now.” Her sneaky little hands slid beneath my shirt and trailed fire up my chest, dragging my shirt with them.

“You sure, because I promise I’ll be okay if you’re not. If you have even a little bit of hesitation, then I don’t want to. I’d hate it if you ever regretted something between us.”

“I’m sure I could never regret being with you. You already have my whole heart, and I want you to have all of me.”

The last bit of resistance I had crumbled and I sat up. I took her chin between my thumb and forefinger, tipping her lips up to mine. “And I’m yours. You fucking own me Shae, inside and out, and if you want this, then I’ll do my best to give you what you deserve.” I feathered my mouth over hers and then along her jaw and back. “But I really wasn’t expecting this,” I kissed just below her ear and she tipped her head, baring her neck. “So I need to go inside and get something.” I flicked my tongue against her flesh and then scraped my teeth down to her shoulder. “You can come with me, or wait for me here.” I nipped at the point where her neck met her shoulder and then pulled back to see what her response would be.

“I’ll come with you,” desire made her voice hoarse and it was a sweet fucking sound.

I snagged the lantern and we stepped into our flip flops. The tug of the zipper resounded in the air when I opened up a side and we darted through the night to the back door. I left her at the bathroom where she said she wanted to clean her make-up off and brush her teeth. I went to my room to retrieve what I needed. I grabbed more than one, stuffing them in my pocket, just in case and then waited for my turn to do my business.

Now that the mood had cooled off just a little, nervousness I hadn’t noticed in her before appeared. I tried to give her another out, but she wouldn’t take it, and then we were back outside, zipped up tight under the stars. For the first time in my post-pubescent life, I didn’t know where to start. I wanted to start everywhere and was terrified to touch her all at the same time, like this fantasy might disappear and I’d wake up to find that I’d created it all in my head.

She stood before me, looking sexy as hell in my pajamas, biting her lip and toying with the edge of the shirt. I lowered myself onto the edge of the bed and then held out a hand to her. “Come here.”

She came, taking my hand and letting me pull her into the space between my legs. I settled one hand on her hip and reached the other up, curling it behind her neck. I brought her mouth down to mine.

This was familiar. This we knew and I felt the tension leave her body, replaced by a confident need. The same need I felt building again. I brought her down to the bed on top of me, and savored every second of tasting her and feeling her, in no rush to take things further, but they naturally progressed there. It wasn’t long before I was gripping her hips and dragging them down while I rocked mine up. My shirt was the first to come off and then her mouth was all over my neck and shoulder, and my chest. When she bit down on my nipple I bucked beneath her and then she dragged her mouth up to giggle in my ear before sucking my earlobe into her mouth.

“I need to see you,” I growled and peeled her shirt up. She sat up and raised her arms so that I could tug it over her head and discard it on the ground with mine. Her pale skin glowed softly under the low light of the lantern. The mounds of her perky breasts were peaked with dusty pink nipples that I wanted to take into my mouth. Her breasts were small, but perfect in my hand when I cupped one, massaging it first and then tweaking her nipple. She sucked in a breathy gasp, her hands fell to my shoulders to hold herself up.

“You are so damn beautiful.” I grabbed her wrists and planted her hands on the bed, bringing her low enough that all I had to do was lift my head to flick my tongue over her other nipple, eliciting another sharp breath. I sucked her breast into my mouth and stroked the flat of my tongue against her nipple while I continued to work the other one with my hand.

Her breaths came in short pants and she rolled her hips over mine. I tore my mouth free and kissed my way up her neck. Then my hands slid around to roam her back, down to the swell of her ass and all over, while she rode me through the layers of fabric between us. Her little moans and whimpers of pleasure drove me insane. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I flipped us over, pinning her beneath me. I bit down on her shoulder and rocked into her hot center. Her hands locked behind my neck and she tipped her head back, her lips parted just so. I reached into my pocket and took the little packets out, setting them on the bed. I rose up onto my knees and then hooked my finger into the waist of the pajama bottoms and her lacy thong.

Her eyes flashed open and connected with mine. No fear. No hesitation. Just a reflection of my own need. I slowly dragged her bottoms down and she pulled her legs free. I tossed them on the ground and drank her up with my eyes. I grabbed her ankles, spreading them and then ran my hands up her legs, over her thighs, my thumbs grazing so close to her sweet spot.

She squirmed beneath my gaze and reached up for me. I intertwined my fingers in hers and leaned over her on all fours, pressing her hands to the mattress. I lowered myself onto my forearms and dropped my lips to hers and held them there, not kissing, just sharing breaths while I used my hand that wasn’t holding hers, to explore her body. Her head tipped back and her lips parted further as I trailed my fingers over her skin and down. She sucked the air right out of my mouth when my fingers found her hot and wet. I swept my tongue inside her mouth as I ran my finger through her center.

She was so lost to the feeling that she couldn’t even kiss me back as I pushed a finger inside her. I buried my face in the crook of her neck and listened to her ragged breaths as I played her body like an instrument, stroking and strumming her towards climax. She started bending and unbending her knees and kicking her feet out and I knew she was almost there. I withdrew my hand and then shoved my pants and boxer briefs down, kicking them off. I reached for one of the packets and tore it open. Her wild eyes watched raptly as I rolled the condom on.

I slid my hands under her ass and tilted her hips as I positioned myself. “I love you Shae. I’m going to take care of you. I promise I’ll make it good for you.” Then I dropped one hand on the bed just over her shoulder and kissed her deeply, swallowing her gasps as I slowly pushed inside. Her body quivered beneath mine and I stilled, only part way in. She was so tight. I stayed like that, until I felt her body relax a little and then I drove the rest of the way in. Her back arched and tears welled in her eyes. I went down on my forearms and brushed my knuckles over her cheek, murmuring reassuring words.

“I love you, Shae, so fucking much, and I’m sorry it hurts right now.”

“It’s okay,” she breathed. “It’s not so bad. It just stings a little. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I’m okay.”

“Do you want me to move?”

She jerked her head in a nod and I started moving, easing into a slow and steady rhythm. Her hands came around my back and she lifted her knees to cradle my hips between her thighs and when I felt her nails dig into my back and saw the first signs of real pleasure return to her features, I started moving faster. Her head tipped back and her eyes closed. I dropped my forehead to hers, drawing in a deep breath as I thrust inside her, sure that I’d never felt anything like this before.

Every little moan and sigh that passed over her lips encouraged me and I drove harder and faster, laying open mouthed kisses all over her body. She had one hand buried in my hair and the other raking down my spine to my ass. She grabbed me and pulled my hips to her and I slammed deep inside her. Her back and neck arched and she bit down on her bottom lip. I took it between my teeth and sucked it into my mouth and then reached between us to find her little pleasure trigger and then watched as wave after wave rolled through her and then finally broke when she came. I followed behind her, burying my face in her neck as my release shuddered through me.

I worked to catch my breath and then collapsed, rolling to my back, not wanting to crush her. We were both breathing hard and I wasn’t entirely sure that I hadn’t died.

Sex is just sex until it isn’t. And holy fuck, that wasn’t like anything I’d ever experienced. It made me realize what I was doing all those other times was a sham. I knew this is what it was supposed to be.

I didn’t think I could move but somehow I found the strength to sit up and look at Shae, spread out, body lax, looking completely sated beside me. My male pride swelled, and then I tugged off the condom and tossed it. I’d clean up in the morning when I took all this down. At the thought of taking it down, I felt something else, something less pleasant. I was in no way ready for this night to be over and morning to come.

“How do you feel?” I laid my hand on her stomach.

Her eyes peeled open and found mine. “There aren’t words for it, or if there are, my brain can’t recall them right now.”

I chuckled and caressed my hand over her skin to lie between her breasts and I bent down to drop a light kiss on her mouth. “I know the feeling.” I pulled back and leaned over the side of the bed, grabbing my discarded shirt. When I reached between her legs she clamped them shut.

“What are you doing?”

“Cleaning you up.”

“You can’t use your shirt, that’s gross.”

I laughed. “Babe, I can wash it, come on.” I patted her thigh but she wouldn’t open up. I bent my head and nipped at her ear. “It’s not gross. Nothing about what we just did is gross. Now let me take care of you.”

She sighed and her legs relaxed, falling open. I used the shirt and then tossed it back down on the ground. I lay back and drew her in to my side. She came willingly and hitched her naked thigh over my leg, laying her arm across my stomach and resting her head on my chest. I blew her hair away from my mouth and curled an arm around her.

So this is what it felt like to be completely contented. There wasn’t a thing in the world I was wishing for. I had everything I wanted in my arms.

And I had her beneath me again before the night was over, and woke to her climbing on top of me. She was as insatiable as I was it seemed and even though I apologized over and over, knowing she was going to be sore, I couldn’t help myself. In between we cuddled and talked and slept until eventually the sun made its climb into the sky and our perfect night was over, but her claim on me was further cemented.

I was completely, irrevocably ruined.

I could feel it in the deepest part of me that no one else would ever be able to touch those places. It both electrified and terrified me. I didn’t know what was going to happen. There was something in the pit of my stomach that told me this couldn’t last, that nothing this good could be mine for very long.

Shae

May 9

Present . . .

Trinity was right. Keeping secrets is what caused so much so much hurt and devastation. Hopefully the truth would lead to understanding, and not just more pain, but I knew better.

Kellen was not going to understand.

He was going to be pissed.

All this talk of
it’s not over
would be over.

My chest constricted and I let out a bitter laugh. Guess I hadn’t really wanted it to be over. Who was I kidding? Of course I didn’t. My anger and hate had never been anything but a camouflage for the truth. When heartbreak and misery strike, we look for someone to blame, and it was so easy for me to blame him, easier than admitting to myself I’d never, not for a single second, stopped wishing he’d come after me. Even all the times I told myself I’d run him over if I saw him again, I wouldn’t have. Even when I was staring down a bottle of painkillers, ready to end it, I allowed my mind to go somewhere that was usually off limits. I let myself imagine that future that I’d gotten a taste of. The one where he didn’t let me go. My last thoughts before everything went black were of him, and I could almost feel him holding me as my world faded out.

Hate is a funny, fickle thing. It’s not the opposite of love. It’s not uncaring. That would be indifference. Hate is caring too much; caring so much that you just can’t let go, even when hanging on breaks you and turns you into someone you never wanted to be. The kind of person who no longer sees all the beauty and goodness, but only the ugly and dark. Hate is easy. Hate is weak. Hate is a lie we use to cover up something deeper inside of us. And I’d been lying for so damn long. I didn’t know if I knew how to tell the truth anymore.

But I had to try. Kellen deserved the truth, and so did I. It was time to admit some things to myself and get free of all the lies. I just didn’t know when. If there was any hope of coming out of this without him hating me, I had to do it right.

Of course, once again I was kidding myself. There really isn’t a right time for a talk like that. Well, actually seven years ago would have been the right time. And tomorrow morning it was all going to blow up in my face. I just didn’t know it yet.

Walking out of the shop and seeing Cammie leaving Bulletproof Ink should have been a sign that a higher power wasn’t done dicking with me just yet. I bristled when I turned the key in the lock and started toward the street. Kellen’s bike was nowhere to be seen, but there she was. Strutting out of his shop like she hadn’t a care in the world. All that about hate being camouflage for something deeper . . .  well in Cammie’s case that something deeper I had been feeling all these years, was the sting of betrayal. Now that I knew the truth about her and Kellen, it didn’t lessen her betrayal any. If anything, it hurt worse, but seeing her standing on the sidewalk where she’d come up short the second she spotted me, in her too high heels, too short skirt and too snug slash low-cut shirt to be respectable and her bleached out hair, I realized just how pathetic she truly was.

The hot flush of anger that had worked its way up my neck and face receded. If there was one person who wasn’t worth the spike in my blood pressure, it was her. She’d caused enough damage. For too long I’d let myself be as spiteful as she was. I was just . . . done. Done giving any thought to Cammie Peterson, and if after all this time Kellen couldn’t see what she was, it was officially his problem.

With that thought, my scowl relaxed and I felt the corners of my mouth quirk just so. Ninety-nine problems at the moment, but that bitch was not one of them. Or so my inner Jay-Z told me. I didn’t spare Cammie another glance and went straight to my car, which chirped and lit up when I hit unlock on my key fob.

“Still think you’re so much better than me,” her shrill voice rang out.

I froze, hand on the door handle. All I had to do was pull and then slide behind the wheel. I drew in a deep breath and then tugged. But if there was one thing I still knew about my former best friend, it was that she could not stand to be ignored or dismissed.

“But I know at least one person who didn’t think you were better. Well actually I know two. A guy might like the challenge of nailing a virgin, but in the end, both Jeremy and Kellen knew what they wanted. And it wasn’t you.”

Even as I told myself not to engage, my body had already spun on auto-pilot. “Did you ever leave high school?”

She was standing ten feet away now, in the middle of freaking Fourth Ave, just off Main Street, arms folded across her chest, weight shifted to one leg, her hip jutted out in her classic bitch stance. “Of the two of us, which one was actually at graduation? That’s right Princess, it wasn’t you.”

I let out an amused snort, “If you really want to go there, I wasn’t the one who gave Mr. Hendricks a blow job just to pass his class.”

Her eyebrows pinched and she pursed her lips, which dripped with sarcasm. “And you were Miss Goody Two-Shoes. So fucking perfect. More like so fucking fake. It’s not my fault they got sick of you.”

I shook my head, “Just give it up Cammie. You always owned being a bitch before, so honestly nothing should have surprised me, and it doesn’t suit you now to try and make excuses and blame me for you being a wretched human being. Oh, and by the way, he told me the truth about seven years ago. So tell me again who he preferred. Did you bleach your hair because you thought it would be easier for him to pretend you were me, or so he’d stop pretending you were me?” I swear I could actually see the tendrils of smoke billowing from her ears and nose, but I was done playing.

I gave her my back and yanked my door open, but before I could slide in, my head was wrenched back by my hair and I let out a little screech as I stumbled backward.

“You’re the bitch!” Cammie shrieked like a wild banshee. Her grip on my hair was so tight, all I could do was flail my arm back. I caught her across the face and with a grunt of pain she let go of my hair. I jerked out of her reach and spun around.

“You’re crazy!”

She came at me again, swinging her purse and reaching for my hair or anything she could grab. “You stupid fucking bitch! You can’t have everything!”

I smacked her hand away and tore the purse from her grasp, tossing it to the ground, but that still didn’t deter her assault. I shoved her backward, hard. “I’m not doing this with you. Back the hell off!” But she’d lost her damn mind and whatever had snapped in her, she wasn’t capable of reason at the moment.

“He doesn’t want you! You’re nothing! You were always nothing!”

The door to the tattoo shop swung open and I darted my eyes to see Derek and the girls pour out onto the sidewalk. Cammie wasn’t worried about an audience though. She tried to wrap her manicured claws around my arms, but I pushed her off and then caught her across the face with a well placed jab that knocked her on her ass. I shook my fist out, ignoring her shrill wails as she held her face and tears filled her eyes. Derek’s feet thudded against cement as he rushed over.

I stared down at her. “Don’t come near me again. This is over between you and me. I’m done with you. You get to live with what a shitty person you are, but I’m over it. You . . . knew. You fucking knew, Cammie. Remember that, and get the hell out of here.”

I spared one glance at Derek who was standing there looking like he wasn’t sure which one of us to rescue, and then I climbed in my car and had to try really, really hard to keep the steering wheel from swerving and accidentally running over her foot. Okay, so this whole letting go of the anger thing was going to take some work. And a bottle of wine.

Once home, I spent the rest of the night hunched over my laptop, nailing down the ending that had been eluding me, in between glasses of a sweet moscato. Liz came home, found me in the zone as she liked to say and bypassed me, going straight to her room. It was a while later that I typed out the last words, bringing the story to a close and then saved. I dumped my glass in the sink, and practically crawled my way into bed.

My alarm sounded much too soon and I would have snoozed it a third time if my phone hadn’t started ringing as well. I groaned and dragged myself out from under the covers, but not in time to catch the call before it went to voicemail. I picked it up groggily and checked the missed call. It was Trin. I set the phone back down with a sigh. I’d call her back once I was fully awake. In about three cups of coffee.

I didn’t know what time her class started, I was guessing around eight. That gave me enough time to at least get dressed and get started on the first cup. I could hear the shower running in the guest bath, so I shuffled to the kitchen, taking my phone with me and started a pot brewing.

I was midway through my first sip when my phone buzzed and started singing again. I prolonged and savored that first drink right up to the point of sending her to voicemail again. I slid my thumb across the screen to answer at the last second.

“Morning, Trin.”

“Shae, are you at home?”

“Uh, yeah. I haven’t left for the shop yet.”

“I’m really sorry, but he knows.”

The phone almost slipped through my fingers. “What do you mean, he knows?” I dragged out slowly.

“I swear I didn’t tell him, but Derek . . . when I first started reading the book, I might have mentioned it to him and that I was pretty sure it was about you and Kell. Last night Derek must have said something to him. I didn’t notice that he came into my apartment and took it, but he was beating on my door this morning. He’s . . . I’ve never seen him like this Shae. He took off about thirty minutes ago. My guess is he’s headed to you.”

“Fuck,” the whispered curse fluttered across my lips.

“I’m sorry. I know you wanted to find the right time to tell him, and I swear I didn’t mean for him to find out like this.”

“It’s okay,” I choked out. It was anything but okay. “Thanks for the heads up.” I swiped my finger across the screen, ending the call and then grasped the edge of the counter for support.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuuuck!

It was bad enough that Trin found out that way, but Kellen shouldn’t have had to read it. Why the hell did I write that book? Oh yeah, because it was cathartic.

The rumble of a motorcycle turning onto my street was anything but.