Armadale (21 page)

Mr Brock answered in the affirmative.

‘Those books mark the next change in my life – and the last, before I took the usher's place at the school. My term of imprisonment was not a long one. Perhaps my youth pleaded for me; perhaps the Bristol magistrates
took into consideration the time I had passed in irons on board ship. Anyhow, I was just turned seventeen, when I found myself out on the world again. I had no friends to receive me; I had no place to go to. A sailor's life, after what had happened, was a life I recoiled from in disgust. I stood in the crowd on the bridge at Bristol,
³
wondering what I should do with my freedom now I had got it back. Whether I had altered in the prison, or whether I was feeling the change in character that comes with coming manhood, I don't know; but the old reckless enjoyment of the old vagabond life seemed quite worn out of my nature. An awful sense of loneliness kept me wandering about Bristol, in horror of the quiet country, till after nightfall. I looked at the lights kindling in the parlour windows, with a miserable envy of the happy people inside. A word of advice would have been worth something to me at that time. Well! I got it: a policeman advised me to move on. He was quite right – what else could I do? I looked up at the sky, and there was my old friend of many a night's watch at sea, the north star. “All points of the compass are alike to me,” I thought to myself; “I'll
go your
way.” Not even the star would keep me company that night. It got behind a cloud, and left me alone in the rain and darkness. I groped my way to a cart-shed, fell asleep, and dreamed of old times, when I served my gipsy master and lived with the dogs. God! what I would have given when I woke to have felt Tommy's little cold muzzle in my hand! Why am I dwelling on these things? why don't I get on to the end? You shouldn't encourage me, sir, by listening so patiently. After a week more of wandering, without hope to help me, or prospects to look to, I found myself in the streets of Shrewsbury, staring in at the windows of a bookseller's shop. An old man came to the shop-door, looked about him, and saw me. “Do you want a job?” he asked. “And are you not above doing it cheap?” The prospect of having something to do, and some human creature to speak a word to, tempted me, and I did a day's dirty work in the bookseller's warehouse, for a shilling. More work followed at the same rate. In a week, I was promoted to sweep out the shop, and put up the shutters. In no very long time after, I was trusted to carry the books out; and when quarter-day came, and the shopman left, I took his place. Wonderful luck! you will say; here I had found my way to a friend at last. I had found my way to one of the most merciless misers in England; and I had risen in the little world of Shrewsbury by the purely commercial process of underselling all my competitors. The job in the warehouse had been declined at the price by every idle man in the town – and I did it. The regular porter received his weekly pittance under weekly protest. – I took two shillings less, and made no
complaint. The shopman gave warning on the ground that he was underfed as well as underpaid. I received half his salary, and lived contentedly on his reversionary scraps. Never were two men so well suited to each other as that bookseller and I!
His
one object in life was to find somebody who would work for him at starvation wages.
My
one object in life was to find somebody who would give me an asylum over my head. Without a single sympathy in common – without a vestige of feeling of any sort, hostile or friendly, growing up between us on either side – without wishing each other good-night, when we parted on the house stairs, or good-morning when we met at the shop counter – we lived alone in that house, strangers from first to last, for two whole years. A dismal existence for a lad of my age, was it not? You are a clergyman and a scholar – surely you can guess what made the life endurable to me?'

Mr Brock remembered the well-worn volumes which had been found in the usher's bag.‘The books made it endurable to you' he said.

The eyes of the castaway kindled with a new light.

‘Yes!' he said,‘the books – the generous friends who met me without suspicion – the merciful masters who never used me ill! The only years of my life that I can look back on with something like pride, are the years I passed in the miser's house. The only unalloyed pleasure I have ever tasted, is the pleasure that I found for myself on the miser's shelves. Early and late, through the long winter nights and the quiet summer days, I drank at the fountain of knowledge, and never wearied of the draught. There were few customers to serve – for the books were mostly of the solid and scholarly kind. No responsibilities rested on me – for the accounts were kept by my master, and only the small sums of money were suffered to pass through my hands. He soon found out enough of me to know that my honesty was to be trusted, and that my patience might be counted on, treat me as he might. The one insight into
his
character which I obtained, on my side, widened the distance between us to its last limits. He was a confirmed opium-eater in secret – a prodigal in laudanum, though a miser in all besides. He never confessed his frailty, and I never told him I had found it out. He had his pleasure apart from
me;
and I had my pleasure apart from
him
. Week after week, month after month, there we sat without a friendly word ever passing between us – I, alone with my book at the counter: he, alone with his ledger in the parlour, dimly visible to me through the dirty window-pane of the glass door, sometimes poring over his figures, sometimes lost and motionless for hours in the ecstasy of his opium trance. Time passed, and made no impression on us; the seasons of two years came
and went, and found us still unchanged. One morning, at the opening of the third year, my master did not appear as usual to give me my allowance for breakfast. I went upstairs, and found him helpless in his bed. He refused to trust me with the keys of the cupboard, or to let me send for a doctor. I bought a morsel of bread, and went back to my books – with no more feeling for
him
(I honestly confess it), than he would have had for
me
under the same circumstances. An hour or two later, I was roused from my reading by an occasional customer of ours, a retired medical man. He went upstairs. I was glad to get rid of him, and return to my books. He came down again, and disturbed me once more. “I don't much like you, my lad,” he said; “but I think it my duty to say that you will soon have to shift for yourself. You are no great favourite in the town, and you may have some difficulty in finding a new place. Provide yourself with a written character from your master before it is too late.” He spoke to me coldly. I thanked him coldly on my side, and got my character the same day. Do you think my master let me have it for nothing? Not he! He bargained with me on his deathbed. I was his creditor for a month's salary, and he wouldn't write a line of my testimonial until I had first promised to forgive him the debt. Three days afterwards, he died, enjoying to the last the happiness of having over-reached his shopman. “Aha!” he whispered, when the doctor formally summoned me to take leave of him, “I got you cheap!” – Was Ozias Midwinter's stick as cruel as that? I think not. Well! there I was, out on the world again, but surely with better prospects, this time. I had taught myself to read Latin, Greek, and German; and I had got my written character to speak for me. All useless! The doctor was quite right; I was not liked in the town. The lower order of the people despised me for selling my services to the miser, at the miser's price. As for the better classes, I did with them (God knows how!) what I have always done with everybody, except Mr Armadale – I produced a disagreeable impression at first sight; I couldn't mend it afterwards; and there was an end of me in respectable quarters. It is quite likely I might have spent all my savings, my puny little golden offspring of two years' miserable growth, but for a school advertisement which I saw in a local paper. The heartlessly mean terms that were offered, encouraged me to apply; and I got the place. How I prospered in it, and what became of me next, there is no need to tell you. The thread of my story is all wound off; my vagabond life stands stripped of its mystery; and you know the worst of me at last.'

A moment of silence followed those closing words. Midwinter rose from
the window-seat, and came back to the table with the letter from Wildbad in his hand.

‘My father's confession has told you who I am; and my own confession has told you what my life has been' he said, addressing Mr Brock, without taking the chair to which the rector pointed. ‘I promised to make a clean breast of it when I first asked leave to enter this room. Have I kept my word?'

‘It is impossible to doubt it' replied Mr Brock. ‘You have established your claim on my confidence and my sympathy. I should be insensible indeed if I could know what I now know of your childhood and your youth, and not feel something of Allan's kindness for Allan's friend.'

‘Thank you, sir' said Midwinter, simply and gravely.

He sat down opposite Mr Brock at the table for the first time.

‘In a few hours you will have left this place' he proceeded. ‘If I can help you to leave it with your mind at ease, I will. There is more to be said between us than we have said up to this time. My future relations with Mr Armadale are still left undecided; and the serious question raised by my father's letter is a question which we have neither of us faced yet.'

He paused and looked with a momentary impatience at the candle still burning on the table, in the morning light. The struggle to speak with composure, and to keep his own feelings stoically out of view, was evidently growing harder and harder to him.

‘It may possibly help your decision,' he went on, ‘if I tell you how I determined to act towards Mr Armadale – in the matter of the similarity of our names – when I first read this letter, and when I had composed myself sufficiently to be able to think at all' He stopped, and cast a second impatient look at the lighted candle. ‘Will you excuse the odd fancy of an odd man' he asked, with a faint smile. ‘I want to put out the candle – I want to speak of the new subject, in the new light.'

He extinguished the candle as he spoke, and let the first tenderness of the daylight flow uninterruptedly into the room.

‘I must once more ask your patience' he resumed, ‘if I return for a moment to myself and my circumstances. I have already told you that my stepfather made an attempt to discover me some years after I had turned my back on the Scotch school. He took that step out of no anxiety of his own, but simply as the agent of my father's trustees. In the exercise of their discretion, they had sold the estates in Barbadoes (at the time of the emancipation of the slaves, and the ruin of West Indian property) for what the estates would fetch. Having invested the proceeds they were bound to set aside a sum for my yearly education.
This responsibility obliged them to make the attempt to trace me – a fruitless attempt, as you already know. A little later (as I have been since informed) I was publicly addressed by an advertisement in the newspapers – which I never saw. Later still, when I was twenty-one, a second advertisement appeared (which I did see) offering a reward for evidence of my death. If I was alive, I had a right to my half share of the proceeds of the estates, on coming of age; if dead, the money reverted to my mother. I went to the lawyers, and heard from them what I have just told you. After some difficulty in proving my identity – and, after an interview with my stepfather, and a message from my mother, which has hopelessly widened the old breach between us – my claim was allowed; and my money is now invested for me in the funds, under the name that is really my own.'

Mr Brock drew eagerly nearer to the table. He saw the end now, to which the speaker was tending.

‘Twice a year,' Midwinter pursued, ‘I must sign my own name to get my own income. At all other times, and under all other circumstances, I may hide my identity under any name I please. As Ozias Midwinter, Mr Armadale first knew me – as Ozias Midwinter he shall know me to the end of my days. Whatever may be the result of this interview – whether I win your confidence, or whether I lose it – of one thing you may feel sure. Your pupil shall never know the horrible secret which I have trusted to your keeping. This is no extraordinary resolution – for, as you know already, it costs me no sacrifice of feeling to keep my assumed name. There is nothing in my conduct to praise – it comes naturally out of the gratitude of a thankful man. Review the circumstances for yourself, sir; and set my own horror of revealing them to Mr Armadale out of the question. If the story of the names is ever told, there can be no limiting it to the disclosure of my father's crime; it must go back to the story of Mrs Armadale's marriage. I have heard her son talk to her; I know how he loves her memory. As God is my witness, he shall never love it less dearly through
me!

Simply as the words were spoken, they touched the deepest sympathies in the rector's nature: they took his thoughts back to Mrs Armadale's death-bed. There sat the man against whom she had ignorantly warned him, in her son's interests – and that man, of his own free-will, had laid on himself the obligation of respecting her secret for her son's sake! The memory of his own past efforts to destroy the very friendship out of which this resolution had sprung, rose, and reproached Mr Brock. He held out his hand to Midwinter for the first time. ‘In her name, and in her son's name' he said warmly, ‘I thank you.'

Without replying, Midwinter spread the confession open before him on the table.

‘I think I have said all that it was my duty to say' he began, ‘before we could approach the consideration of this letter. Whatever may have appeared strange in my conduct towards you and towards Mr Armadale, may be now trusted to explain itself. You can easily imagine the natural curiosity and surprise that I must have felt (ignorant as I then was of the truth) when the sound of Mr Armadale's name first startled me as the echo of my own. You will readily understand that I only hesitated to tell him I was his namesake, because I hesitated to damage my position – in your estimation, if not in his – by confessing that I had come among you under an assumed name. And, after all that you have just heard of my vagabond life and my low associates, you will hardly wonder at the obstinate silence I maintained about myself, at a time when I did not feel the sense of responsibility which my father's confession has laid on me. We can return to these small personal explanations, if you wish it, at another time; they cannot be suffered to keep us from the greater interests which we must settle before you leave this place. We may come now—' his voice faltered; and he suddenly turned his face towards the window, so as to hide it from the rector's view. ‘We may come now' he repeated, his hand trembling visibly as it held the page, ‘to the murder on board the timber-ship, and to the warning that has followed me from my father's grave.'