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Cruz looks at me over her glasses. “You know, Rose, you’re my best student. You’re a lot of my colleagues’ best student, too.”

I start to thank her, but she holds her hand up.

“This isn’t a compliment. It’s a fact. I know about your Mendez Scholarship. I know you’ve worked hard to keep it for two years now. I’m telling you this in confidence – I just got out of a board meeting. The association who gives the scholarship is redefining the terms. Next semester, it’s going to a student with a learning-challenged background. ADD, ADHD, Aspergers’ and the like.”

“But, I –”

“It takes effect next semester, so, right around the tenth of January. I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you this sooner than the official papers, in case you needed to look for other options.”

All the joy Lee’s kiss gave me drains away. “I do. Thanks. I’ll…I’ll try to find something.”

“Again, I’m so sorry. I wish school wasn’t like this, really.”

“No, it’s fine.”
It’s not fine.
I force a smile. “Have a great vacation.”

“You too.” She pats me on the shoulder.

I head to the parking lot, my head buzzing with pressure. Not my scholarship. Anything but that. I’d been applying for other scholarships, smaller ones, and got those, but the Mendez is the one that gives me the biggest chunk of change. And now it’s going away. I get in the car and sit there for what feels like forever, watching the sun spill gold on the trees and lawn as it goes down. I open the car door every once in a while and lean over to make sure the nausea wave doesn’t make me throw up and ruin the car floor. My bakery. My degree. It’s all fading in front of me. What will I do? Drop out and go back to Mom and Dad’s? Work for them? But their company is failing, too. If I don’t have enough to go to school, there’s no way I’ll ever have enough to open a bakery. All the credits I worked so hard to ace – will they just go to waste?

I drive home in a state of shock, my fingers numb on the wheel. Mom’s on the couch, sobbing, but when I come in she wipes her eyes and puts on a smile. She asks if I had fun. When I ask her what’s wrong, she waves it off. She says Dad’s at the office and that she’ll be in charge of dinner tonight. I knock on Riley’s door.

“Hey!” He answers it in a rock t-shirt and boxers, his videogame blaring on the TV behind him. “Look who returns at last!”

I sit on his bed. “What happened with Mom? She’s crying.”

Riley frowns. “They had a fight. A loud one. I dunno, I just put my earphones in and tried to ignore them.”

“Was it about the company?”

Riley nods. I shuffle my feet against the carpet, trying to find a grip in the floor so the anger and frustration and tears won’t make me float away. I have to stay in the moment. I can’t tell them about the scholarship. Not now. I can’t tell anyone, anything, or they’ll just worry more. I’ll just make it worse.

“Hey, you okay?” Riley asks. I nod, my lip quivering. He reaches out and awkwardly hugs me, and I hug him back. It hits me just then how much more mature he’s gotten – taller, broader. His baby fat cheeks are gone. He’s growing up, and so am I, but the thought terrifies me. Will he be okay? I want to be secure enough to help him if he ever needs it. I don’t want him to be like me, working so hard he misses out on fun things. When I’ve calmed down enough, I sit up and take deep breaths.

“Rile, do you remember Grandpa’s place at all? During the summers?”

“Sure. Way too hot and so many mosquitoes we got bites on our asses.” He nods. “Why?”

“Were there any…kids we played with there? Any kids our age you remember?”

“Yvonne. She lived across the street.”

“Any others?”

“Jake came over sometimes and we played with those huge nerf guns. And there was Leonardo. We played basketball and went swimming in the river a lot.”

The names are familiar, and I can almost put faces to them. But Leonardo? I remember nothing about a Leonardo. Lee! Lee-onardo? Is that his real name? It can’t be.

“Who’s Leonardo? What did he look like?”

“Scrawny guy your age, I think. His hair was crazy wild, like he never brushed it, and he was really mean at first. But when he got to know us he was pretty cool. Grandpa used to tell me to be nice to him because he didn’t have a mom.”

That must be Lee. It has to be. But why can’t I remember small details like Riley can? Is my memory that bad? Some of the mystery is solved – Lee knew us growing up. We spent summers together.

“Why can’t I remember him at all?” I frown. Riley shrugs.

“You guys were pretty close. I used to give you guys shit about it and sing ‘K-I-S-S-I-N-G’ at you all the time. And then you just stopped talking about him one day and he never came back to the house.”

And now the mystery’s gotten even weirder. I rub my eyes. “God, I’m so confused.”

“Me too! You come in here looking really depressed and don’t tell me what’s wrong?”

“Don’t you have enough girls to worry about?” I motion to his text-buzzing phone.

“You’re special.” He flashes me a smirk.

“Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself.”

“Hah. I have no worries.”

“I know,” I say. I get up and pause in his doorway. “And I want to keep it that way.”

~~~

I dream about Grandpa’s sunflower field again.

The cicadas hum relentlessly, the heady scent of hot earth and rotting hay assailing my nose. Sunflowers don’t smell like anything except sap. But they’re beautiful.

I’m running through the field, looking for him again. Who? I can’t remember. But it’s someone very important to me. I shout their name over and over, the word echoing but indistinct. All I know is I have to find him, or something very bad will happen. I run until my legs ache and my lungs are on fire. And just as I’m about to give up hope, I hear the sound of a rushing creek nearby. I’m close. He must be down there, by the creek.

I wake up, my dark room nothing compared to the colors and scents of my dream.

Chapter Five

In Which Lee Montenegro Tries To Convince
Me Other Boys Suck

My first day back at work, Kory tries to set me up on a date.

“C’mon, party girl.” He pops an empty tray out and replaces it with fresh rolls. “He’s a really cool guy.”

“I’ve had enough of ‘cool’ guys,” I sigh and lean my chin on my hand. “From now on, I want someone decidedly uncool. Someone who doesn’t think they’re all that and a half.”

“Oh, you mean egotistical guys. Brendan’s not like that at all, I promise. Look, it’s just one date. If you don’t like it he won’t –”

The bell rings over the bakery doors and a guy comes in. His blonde hair is wavy, mussed in a devil-may-care way, and his dark blue peacoat only accentuates how tall he is. His smile is bright and infectious.

“Hi. I’d like a tall Americano with cream.”

“I’ll get it,” Kory says. The guy looks to me.

“A little slow this time of day, huh?” He asks.

“Yeah.” I’m suddenly nervous. “But it’ll pick up soon. The three o’clock afternoon slump is coming up, and the only thing that seems to beat it is coffee.”

“And chocolate.” He motions to a row of doughnuts. “I think I’ll take one.”

I wrap it for him, and Kory delivers his drink to the counter. As money exchanges hands, I accidentally drop the change. It spills across the counter.

“Oh, damn! I’m so sorry –”

“It’s no problem.” He smiles, and helps me gather the coins. I press them into his hand, and he puts them in the tip jar. “This morning I dropped a whole can of paint on my car, so this is pretty mild.”

“A whole can? Is it going to be alright?”

“The car? Yeah. My pride as I ride around L.A. with a huge pink spot on the hood? Not so much.”

I laugh, and he laughs with me. There’s a comfortable silence Kory jumps in the middle of.

“Hey Brendan.”

“Hi.” The blonde guy smiles.

“This is her, by the way.” Kory whispers, even though I can hear, and flits off to sweep the floor free of muffin crumbs. Brendan – this is the blind date guy Kory’s trying to set me up with.

“Sorry, ignore him. He’s felt the need to matchmake for me since we were in second grade,” Brendan sighs. “Gets real annoying.”

“No, it’s fine, I –”

“Don’t do it out of pressure, that’d be weird. Just, if you want, I’ll be at the megaplex tonight at six with an extra ticket. And a pound of peanut brittle I’ll be trying to sneak in.”

“It’d be easier to sneak in if you had a purse.” I point out.

“I know! That’s why I need a beautiful woman in the first place – for her pursey snack sneaking abilities.”

We laugh. There’s that pause again. He takes his doughnut and coffee almost nervously and flashes me one last smile. Kory waits till he’s gone to ambush me.

“So? What did you think? He’s cute, right?”

“If you like him so much, maybe
you
should go out with him.”

“Blondes aren’t my thing.” Kory winks. I roll my eyes and focus on wiping the counter. Kory nudges me. “Seriously though, what’s eating you?”

“Why does everyone keep asking that? Do I really look that horrible?”

Kory’s quiet, and then sighs. “If you need to talk, I’m here.”

I’ve known him for two years now. I regret snapping at him instantly. “I’m sorry. I’m just going through some stuff right now. I’ll figure it out.”

“Of course you will.” He playfully hits my butt with a washcloth. “You’re Rose-freaking-Jensen, cool party girl, composed at every turn, and a very good cappuccino maker.”

When my shift is over, I head for the dorms, intent on getting some sleep. I don’t really want to go out with Brendan, not because I don’t like him (
how could
any sane person not like that
smile
), but because it’s not fair to him. I’m still confused and infuriatingly drawn to Lee. Brendan is cute, but nothing compared to Lee’s quiet mystery and joking charm. I feel bad for sort-of rejecting Brendan by not going tonight, but I’ve got more pressing issues – like the stack of scholarship forms for me to fill out on my desk. I have to get something by Christmas, or half my classes and my housing is done for – no more dorm, no more meal plans. It’s hard to concentrate on anything when the stress of knowing I might be living in the L.A. streets hangs over my head.

I open the dorm door and push in, shedding my heavy coat. Selena’s bed is occupied. By a boy. Selena’s nowhere to be found – the showers, probably. I heave a sigh. This isn’t the first time she’s done this, but I’d learned to live with it. Or around it. More precisely, I’ve learned how to kick a sleepy, half-naked guy out of her bed. I pick up an empty cookie tin and a spoon and start banging. The guy lurches awake. Dark hair, bleary hazel eyes, and a dusky, toned body I’d seen quite a few times. His eyes meet mine and go from sleepy to wide awake in a flash.

“You.” I feel sick to my stomach.

“Rose!” He nearly jumps out of bed, boxers still on, thankfully. “I didn’t know you –”

“Would be back so early?” I snarl.

“I didn’t know you and her were roommates,” He scrabbles for his discarded t-shirt. I whirl around to avoid looking at his…
everything
. My eyes prickle, tears threatening. Why? Why am I crying? Pull it together, Rose. You can’t let him see how he affects you like this.

“Rose –” Lee starts.

“Just get out.”

“Will you listen to me for one second?”

I pivot, my anger bubbling over. He’s fully clothed and looking at me with those wounded eyes, like I was the one who did something wrong.

“Why should I? Why did I ever think that kiss was something genuine? God, I’m an idiot.”

“It
was
genuine –” He scowls.

“How genuine is it when you turn around and sleep with my roommate?”

“For the last time, I didn’t know she was your roommate!”

“So if she wasn’t, it’d be okay to sleep with her anyway. Just as long as I didn’t know. You really are a sleazy man-slut.”

“I didn’t sleep with her! She just –” He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “She said she wasn’t feeling it and took off. And I fell asleep in her bed half-dressed. I promise you.”

“But you threw yourself at her anyway.”

“I said I’d leave you alone and I am. I’m trying to forget you, Rose.”

“Right.” My laugh is louder this time. “Well, good luck with that.”

I turn to storm out the door when he grabs my hand and pulls me into him. On top of him. We tumble onto my bed, his chest pinned beneath mine and his eyes burning into me.

“Since the first time we ran into each other, every girl’s bed I’ve slept in, I’ve wished with all my heart it was yours instead,” He murmurs.

“Liar.” I snarl. “Let me go!”

I stop struggling when his hand ghosts up my back, plays with the hem of my shirt, and dips below it, fingers tracing my spine so tenderly I nearly let out a gasp.

“Every girl,” Lee leans up, planting kisses on my jugular. “Every touch, every moan, every sensation, I imagined was coming from you. Because of you. Do you know what that does to a person’s mind? I’m insane now. Insane because of you.”

His fingers reach my bra clasp and he undoes it easily and caresses the expanse of skin now freed. His hand inches around my ribcage and up just a little, where the swell of my breasts begin. I instinctively drop my head into the crook of his neck, too weak to hold it up. My face is on fire. This is wrong.
So wrong
. Lee’s mouth is right next to my ear as he speaks, low and soft.

“Take some responsibility for what you’ve done to me.”

Something hard and insistent presses against my thigh, and my entire body feels like it’s going to burst into flames. That hard pressure brings reality into the heady mix of my emotions – this is real. This is very real. And if I don’t stop it, it’s going to spiral out of control and he’ll get exactly what he wants – me, wrapped around his finger enough to marry him, and then the money is his. He’ll keep me in a web of lies and this heated passion for three months if I let him. This isn’t love. This is him playing me like a piano.

I give a mighty shove and manage to get on my feet and free of his arms.