Arsenic for the Soul (22 page)

Now she couldn’t think of her life
without Milo and the solace that followed him. Vivian felt foolish
but she didn’t care. She nuzzled close to him until the fur of his
jacket tickled her nose.

“
Sometimes I’m scared of
these feelings you bring out of me.”

Milo absently played with her hair as
he pondered this revelation. She shivered at his delicate touch as
it triggered something deep inside. She felt like falling asleep on
this bench so long as his arms remained entwined around
her.

“
Why does it frighten
you?”

“
That’s a hard question to
answer. I don’t quite know why I’m afraid of being so close to
you.”

“
Is it because you don’t
want to be hurt in the end?”

“
Maybe. Sometimes I’m not
sure how to feel about you. You seem too good to be true at
times.”

“
You think I’m going to
leave you one day.”

“
I never said
that.”

“
But that fear gnaws at you
relentlessly in the back of your mind, doesn’t it? You dread that a
day will come when I change and treat you with indifference. Or you
fear that I will meet someone else who catches my fancy more than
you do. Then you will become a mere distraction to me.”

Vivian’s tongue tied itself in knots.
It was true and she hated how he seemed to know this. Was she that
transparent before him? She wanted to hold on to an air of mystery
instead of becoming an open book for him to leaf through with a
glance.

How could she not expect this
relationship to end in flames when each one preceding it did? A
guilty part of her secretly wanted him to disappoint her and leave.
After all, she didn’t deserve to be treated with such gentleness.
She was more frightened about how to handle this loving man than
she was frightened of betrayal. She held her breath when his
fingertips touched her. They seemed to melt the ice hardening over
her heart.

“
I’m not leaving you,
Vivian. I won’t break you, I promise.”

She fell deeper into his arms. It was
so easy to believe the honeyed words dripping from his lips. And
she wasn’t one for succumbing to the charms of men without a
fight.

Still, one question lingered on her
lips.

“
What do you love about
me?”

Milo sat in silence. He turned his
eyes to the gilded leaves above.

“
The way you look at me
with yearning in your eyes. I know I never have to feel alone as
long as you’re here with me. Any man would be blessed to bask in
your love. You’re my therapy when I need to be pulled out of the
world and brought back to reality. You’re beautiful down to your
skin, heart, and soul. I love your tenderness, intelligence,
sensuality, and playfulness. You’re the balm to my
soul.”

Sarcastic jibes escaped her
now.

Vivian grinned as she considered
something he said.

“
What do you find beautiful
about me?”

Snow fell from the heavens,
illuminated in a ghastly way by the sunlight. Milo smiled in his
knowing way and moved closer. He cupped her chin with one hand and
tipped her face to his.

Vivian clasped his wrist, shivering
with excitement at his attention.

“
The sparks of danger that
dance around you.”

SEVENTEEN

Vivian and Camilla guzzled down coffee
inside a café to ward off the winter frost. Even as snow spiraled
down from gray skies, Vivian was swept away in festive summer
scenes of Italy and Venice.

“
I can’t even describe how
I feel about Milo or the bond we have. He’s like no one I’ve ever
met before. I think he’s my soulmate.”

Camilla’s face reddened and she choked
on her latte.

“
Okay, who are you and what
have you done with Vivian? I didn’t even know that word fit in your
vocabulary.”

“
To be honest, I never
really entertained the idea of a soulmate or something as aloof as
destiny. But Milo has at least challenged my idea about a soulmate.
Imagine that special person who vibes with you and makes everything
in your life come into focus. It’s like a high that never ends. I
feel as though I’ve met him somewhere before, maybe even in another
lifetime and we’re just finally reuniting. It’s crazy, I
know.”

“
No, not crazy, it’s
adorable… or somewhere in the spectrum of disturbing. Maybe a
little bit of both,” Camilla said, tossing in a wink. “Well, that
settles it. Milo has definitely changed you.”

“
What are you
implying?”

“
Nothing.”

“
You were never any good at
keeping secrets. Spit it out.”

Camilla took a long draught of her
coffee just to torment Vivian with the silence.

“
Vivian, I’m happy that you
found someone who treasures you. You have so much to offer and you
deserve all the best. But there’s something that still bothers me
about this. The way you talk about him is…”

“
Yes?”

Camilla sighed.

“
It sounds as though all
your happiness centers on Milo. Frankly, you sound dependent on
him.”

“
I’m not. I
just—”

“
What else makes you happy
besides Milo now?”

“
My family, going to
school—unless I see Crenshaw. I’m also happy to see you so don’t
get too jealous.”

“
Never. Sometimes I prefer
a little distance between us.” Camilla gazed outside, wondering
where their paths would lead in a not so distant future. She
wondered if they would share a drink at this café a year from now
or if Vivian’s mysterious suitor would spirit her away. “Just don’t
lose focus of yourself, okay?”

Vivian looked quizzically at
her.

“
You’re so intoxicated by
Milo sometimes I feel it’s all you think or talk about these days.
It just makes me wonder… what if you lost him? Would you fall
apart?”

The notion made Vivian’s gut drop. She
imagined the void in her if she didn’t see his smile anymore or
hear his voice whispering in her ear. It would wreak utter
devastation in her soul.

Deep inside, she entertained the
faintest idea of why she felt so attached to Milo. If not for his
caring heart and the affection of his words, perhaps another reason
made her cling so tightly to him. As Vivian looked around her
world, she found it becoming empty.

All of her childhood friends had
married, relocated, and created their own families, thus displacing
Vivian. She didn’t have any siblings either. Camilla was the only
true friend that Vivian spent time with now.

Yes. I feel
alone.

Vivian felt suffocated by how
unbearably empty her world was, how impersonal it felt on every
level. Perhaps that was why she held on to Milo so dearly—because
she didn’t want to live or die alone.

She couldn’t abide that nightmare
coming to life.

“
You don’t have to worry
about me.” She squeezed Camilla’s hand. “I feel like we’re meant to
be together. I don’t know how to explain this, but it feels right.
Whatever comes our way, I know we can handle it. I’m thinking about
proposing to Milo soon.”

Their summer trip to Europe would be
the perfect moment to propose to him. She could imagine it now—a
flaming sunset would dawn over the city vistas while they dined at
a fancy Venetian restaurant.

Camilla smiled weakly as Vivian gazed
star struck into her fantasies. She was thrilled to see Vivian’s
life turning around, especially after last year’s ordeals. Still,
she didn’t want to see anyone damage Vivian and undo that year of
progress.

“
All right. I know he’ll
happily accept.” After a slight pause, Camilla added, “Now I have
something to share with you. You know that man who assaulted us in
the mall and the sanitarium?”

“
Yes, how could I forget a
face like that? I’m still trying to scrub it from my
nightmares.”

“
Well, I came across some
old records about St. Ignatius Sanitarium. Patient reports flagged
a particular individual suffering from gigantism and facial
deformities. This person was no stranger to violent skirmishes in
the wards. Also, our attacker happened to be a
she
.”

Now it was Vivian’s turn to choke on
her scalding coffee, which proved particularly painful.

“
You’ve got to be joking.
That thing was a woman?”

“
Not only that, she was
also fond of Ezran Vesely. It sounds like she followed him closely
and protected him from the nuns.”

“
You’re telling me that
thing is like a guardian to him?”

“
It appears that way since
she also attacked us in the sanitarium. Unfortunately, her records
don’t list a name so I don’t know too much more about
her.”

After downing a few more cups of
coffee to end the conversation, Vivian felt like dropping by the
hospital to surprise Milo. She recovered the bounce in her step by
the time she arrived in the chilly halls leading to the blood lab.
She crossed her fingers that she didn’t bump into Crenshaw while
she was scouting for Milo. He would probably demand to know why she
was there when clinicals weren’t in place. A hand gripped Vivian’s
shoulder that sent a jolt of panic through her.

“
Vivian, we need to talk.”
She relaxed at the sound of Milo’s voice.

“
You gave me a scare, Milo.
Why are you so excited to see me? Are you anxious to start planning
our trip?”

“
Not exactly. We have
something important to discuss. Do you remember the TB test you
took a few days ago?” The unmistakable grimness in his tone worried
Vivian. “You tested negative for tuberculosis.”

“
See?” Vivian smiled as the
weight slipped off her shoulders. “I knew I didn’t contract it.”
Milo’s face remained tense. Vivian noted the way his temple
throbbed when he worried. Her short-lived relief melted
away.

“
There’s more, Vivian.
Tuberculosis didn’t show up in your results, but our test detected
something else. You have low CD4 cell counts.”

“
And what does that
mean?”

Milo swallowed hard.

“
You have HIV.”

The statement hit her harder than the
bullet she took to the side. Vivian clutched her gut as she felt
the hospital food wash up her throat. So many emotions bombarded
her at once that she couldn’t comprehend them. She felt an
inexplicable mesh of denial, anger and grief. Nothing short of
frenzy jostled her brain.

She knew this must be what it feels
like before one dies—but she couldn’t die yet! She still had so
much to accomplish her in life! She wanted to graduate from
college, embark on her career, buy a house and raise her own
family.

She owed it to her parents to keep
them by her side. She still had to see her father when he came home
from his physical rehabilitation. And Camilla…

Vivian saw the implicit question
burning in Milo’s eyes and she staggered back.

How could you do this to
me? How could you have sex with me?

Vivian shook her head, trying to deny
the life sentence so brazenly handed to her.

“
I swear, I didn’t know,”
she said. “God damn it! This doesn’t make any sense!” Vivian
slumped against the wall as nurses scurried past and doctors
rumbled over the intercom. The next words Milo said barely floated
to her ears. Nothing made sense in those few seconds of eternity.
She could only wall herself off behind abject denial in the hope
that she would awaken from this nightmare.

“
What does this mean?
What’s going to happen to me?” she said, fear spilling into her
voice. She was horrified by what she saw in Milo’s gaze. He looked
predatory.

Judging.

Cold.

“
HIV can progress to AIDS
if left untreated.” She vaguely heard the inflection of dread in
his voice, as if he knew this fate could apply to him, too. “This
process can take anywhere between months to years to play
out.”

Vivian dropped her face in her hands.
She recalled the time she spent living on the streets as the Red
Widow. She sold her body at a pittance just to survive and purchase
meals. How many men did she come into sexual contact with? Any one
of her clients could have carried HIV and passed it on to her. She
shuddered to think of other diseases that may be lying dormant in
her bloodstream.

Vivian felt nauseous and
overwhelmed by the possibilities. She was so accustomed to finding
a solution to her problems, but there was no panacea for this
ailment.

Suddenly, sunspots clouded
her vision and they began to multiply like neon-colored explosions.
Water collected in her ears and Milo’s voice was becoming more
muffled and deeper.

She was on the verge of
passing out and she welcomed it gladly. Maybe it was a sign that
she was departing from this hell.

She tried to shut out the
tormenting voice of her lover.