Astra (34 page)

She put up her hand. ‘Because it makes people selfish,’ she said. ‘We should all be playing together, not in couples or little groups.’

‘Great answer, Astra.’ He beamed at her and Sultana made a note of her words and she glowed inside. She might not be Sec Gen, but sometimes, when the teacher or the others praised her, she almost felt as if she was. ‘That’s one reason, yes,’ he addressed the group again. ‘This should be a time when you forge social networks that will support you throughout your lifespan. But there’s another reason too. Anyone?’

Oh. The glow dimmed. She’d only got it half-right. Careful not to let her disappointment show, she kept her own smile plastered to her face. Around her, the other children were silent.

‘Play should be fun, shouldn’t it? Something we do for its own sake, not for any long-term goals. Your first experiences of Gaia play should not be pressured by the need to make long-term promises to anyone else.’

‘But bonding is good, right?’ Yoki sounded confused. ‘It makes you feel secure, that’s what my Birth-Code mother says.’

A prickly feeling stole over Astra. Why was Yoki able to express vulnerability without arousing suspicions? Why, she wondered miserably for the millionth time, was life so easy for the Sec Gens and so difficult for her?

‘Absolutely, Yoki: bonding is healthy and normal. But it’s also a serious commitment. Bonded couples make promises to each other. They also make sacrifices. At the heart of bonding is a complex relationship between two different people’s sets of evolving needs. Children, even older teens, simply don’t have enough self-knowledge to make such calculations accurately. For one thing, you will change so rapidly in the next few years that it’s impossible for you to know what you’ll want to be doing or who you’ll want to be with a year or two from now. So until you are twenty and ready to start making plans for work and study and travel, you are not encouraged to make long-term Gaia commitments. Think of it this way: holding back from penetration is good practise for holding back emotionally from deeper involvement with a Gaia play pal.’

‘But you could Gaia-bond without penetrative play, couldn’t you?’ Sultana piped up, a tinny note of anxiety in her voice. ‘By kissing and peaking? Or just by holding hands?’

Mr Ripenson adopted a reassuring tone. ‘Yes, theoretically you could – but let’s be clear about two things. First, you’re Sec Gens: you get your emotional security from being a member of a group and you probably won’t feel the need to seek an early exclusive commitment. Second, while Gaia-bonding is discouraged, it is not against the rules. If you do end up bonding, you won’t be in trouble, but your teachers and Shelter parents will keep an eye on you both to make sure that your work and other friendships don’t suffer. Okay?’

Sultana and Yoki might be soothed now, but Astra was on the verge of bursting open. Yet again the rules had revealed her calamitous deficiencies: Sec Gens wouldn’t bond prematurely, but she might – a one-sided bond that would leave her clingy and bad-tempered like Stream, or terribly hurt, like Congruence. And what if the studies also showed that
Gaia-bonding promoted penetration
? She might break Rule 4 and be forced into counselling, into an IMBOD Special School. The thought made her break out in sweat, made her want to shut down her Tablette screen and walk away from Gaia-play class forever.

But she had to stay put, her face burning, watching Sultana underline
We are Sec Gens
in her notes. ‘Now,’ the teacher rolled on, ‘Rules 5 and 6. These are very serious offences which can be punished by prison. Why is that? What’s wrong with forcing someone to Gaia-play with you?’

‘It’s what the oil junkies did to the planet,’ Yoki declared. ‘Just taking what you want, what makes you feel good, without caring about Gaia or Her creatures.’

There he was again, showing anger, to the approval of Acorn and the others around him. She should mimic her brother, she knew, and channel her own anger and fears into a heated defence of Gaia. But she was so choked up she couldn’t risk speaking at all.

‘Exactly,’ Mr Ripenson said, the gravity in his voice according Yoki full marks. ‘Fortunately, forced Gaia play is rare in Is-Land. It does happen, very occasionally, when men, mostly – though sometimes women or two-sex people – feel angry or upset or are simply being very selfish. Upon investigation, it is often discovered that these people themselves were victims of forced Gaia play in their childhoods. That is why counselling is needed whenever any violation of the rules occur.’

‘But Sec Gens don’t get angry or upset,’ Silvie commented. ‘And we’re never selfish. So we’ll be okay, right?’

‘Over time the Security Serum will reduce or even eliminate the danger of this crime, but there are still occasions when in the natural course of Gaia play you need to be aware of the rule. You could already be Gaia-playing, and really enjoying yourself, when suddenly, for whatever reason, the other person wants to stop. Sometimes, for example, if a girl is having her Gaia-blood, her stomach might start to hurt. In those cases, regardless of how nice you’re feeling,
you have to stop
.’

That’s just a normal play rule
, she wanted to shout.
You always stop a game if people get hurt or upset
. But what if
she
couldn’t, she thought, panic scrabbling through her again. When she was peaking, it was impossible to stop. What if not being Sec Gen meant she would force someone to peak with her and break Rule 5 too? Astra couldn’t bear it any longer. She reached for her hydropac – but Sultana had got to hers first and offered her a hanky. She took it, and pressed it against her wet eyes.

‘What if you feel
really
close to peaking, though?’ Tedis asked. ‘Like you
can’t
stop.’

It was as though he’d read her mind. Some adults said Sec Gens might be able to do that, one day. Balling Sultana’s hanky in her fist, she stared down at Tedis’ sculptured thigh.
Please, Gaia, let me not be different from everyone else
, she prayed.
Let me not be selfish
, please
!

‘Good question. If you feel that close to peaking, it’s allowed to keep playing with yourself. But you should ask if the other person minds. Often, they won’t, but if they do you should leave them and finish playing somewhere else.’

The answer satisfied Tedis. It was reasonable: fair and do-able, like all Mr Ripenson’s suggestions so far. Astra drew a deep breath. She would learn them all, all the required behaviours and emergency responses, and she would follow them precisely, every time. She would be okay. She would ask Tedis or Silvie or Sultana if she had any doubts. With a grateful little smile, she gave the hanky back to Sultana.

‘Okay, let’s move on. Rule 6. No Gaia-playing with older or younger people. Now this rule Sec Gens do need to pay attention to. Sec Gen kids like to make adults happy, and you might therefore find yourself in a situation where you don’t know if you should obey an older person. You won’t be allowed to leave the main shelter with anyone who is too old or too young for you, so you don’t need to worry about this rule during
Woodland Siesta. In your community, though, there might be an older child or adult who wants to play with you. You already know that if someone tries to touch your Gaia parts, you should tell your Shelter parents. As you get older, though, you might be tempted not to tell. You might actually want to play with the person. But even if you like them very much, you mustn’t do so. Why is that?’

‘Because they’re bigger than us?’ Leaf ventured. ‘They might hurt us without meaning to?’

‘Yes, Leaf. Exactly. You might get physically hurt by the size and strength of an older person’s body, but an older person is stronger
emotionally
as well; they know more about themselves and about the world. They are more likely to want to form a Gaia bond, but it would be very wrong for them to do so with a child. It would be like pitting someone who had just learned how to play chess against a Grandmaster. They might let you win a few games to be nice, but ultimately, they would be in control of your emotions during a time when you should be having fun.’

Fun?
Chewing her dread, Astra made the note. Gaia play didn’t look very much like fun any more. All in all, the rules were extremely serious, and it was clear that some of them would affect her far more than the Sec Gens. She would have to talk to Hokma about them, maybe when Lil was around so that she could learn the rules too. Though Lil wouldn’t think school rules applied to her – she would probably have some outlandish argument against each one, arguments that no one could ever think of in a million years. Then they might fight, and who knows, maybe end up insulting one another.

‘Don’t panic!’ Tedis whispered. ‘There isn’t a physical exam.’ Her face flaring, she folded up her Tablette and stuffed it back in her hydropac. Tedis probably thought she was a study-bee, like Sultana. Well, let him. She didn’t care.

‘Well done, folks,’ Mr Ripenson said. ‘You’ve all worked hard today, dealing with some complicated concepts and questions. Shall we finish with a Murmuration Swim?’

He stood up and stretched, his own Gaia plough a soft, thick vine drooping over its seed pouches. Everyone cheered and jumped up for the Starling game: running together through the practise lawn to the school brook, arms outstretched, swooping and leaping and swerving, always keeping half a metre between your fingertips and those of the other players. As they tumbled out of the orchard, Yoki and Acorn running
together, Sultana squealing with delight beside her, Astra kept Tedis in sight. He wasn’t allowed to run the fastest in the game, but he always tried to steer – she could tell – and she liked to be next to him and steer too, to make him follow her direction as often as she followed his. In the hubbub of positioning, Tedis brushed against her, surprising her hip with the warmth of his thigh, holding it near hers a second longer than necessary. A flush of heat charged her nerves. You weren’t allowed to touch each other in the game. As she stared after his retreating back, he turned and winked.

She was rooted to the spot. Tedis had never winked at her before. Was he trying to distract her from the game? But Mr Ripenson was clapping and she had to stop thinking and start moving. As always, once the Murmuration game got underway, you soon lost track of who was playing incorrectly or trying to cheat. The sun gilding her skin, her feet pounding over the lawn, Astra relinquished her desire to be fastest or best, to make Tedis follow her, even to reach the brook; her fear, envy and anger melted away and she felt briefly, helplessly, one of the Sec Gens, forever enveloped in a magical, ever-flowing wave of love and togetherness. Why couldn’t Gaia play be like this, Astra wondered as she splashed, finally, with Tedis and Silvie and Sultana and Acorn and Yoki, into the warm water: not riddled with questions and rules, but exhilarating, soothing, refreshing and unanswerably whole.

After school the Or-kids lined up behind the marquee that had been erected in front of Core House. There were rows of chairs inside for the adults, facing a trestle table covered with Nimma’s best embroidered linen cloth, where the three IMBOD officers would sit and deliver their report. Ahn and Nimma would sit with them, representing Code House and Craft House and jointly, Core House. Behind the table was a tall rail where all the Owleons would perch: Helium, Silver, the two IMBOD trainees and the three Code House birds. The children would enter from the back and process down the centre aisle reciting their hymns; then they’d gracefully turn and form a semicircle in front of the trestle table and sit down on the grass. They needed to perform perfectly because the procession was being filmed: Ahn would be operating the Kezcams, one stationary throughout, suspended behind the lead IMBOD officer, and two moving above the procession, and later, as the Inspection Report was read, the audience.

Astra had been seven at the last Inspection Report Ceremony and she vaguely remembered it had been long and boring, but Or had done very well, and Ahn especially had been praised for his consultancy work for two Bioregional Councils, the dry forest and the Steppes. She’d wondered why Hokma didn’t get to sit at the long table, representing Wise House, but Hokma had said the birds were her representatives and anyway, Wise House was an office of Code House. There had been lots of clapping, Astra remembered, and afterwards the banquet had been amazing, even better than the Winter Solstice feast because more vegetables were in season. They’d had her absolute favourite, rostis, which Moon didn’t put on the menu very
often because peeling and grating enough potatoes for everyone took a long time. The menu for today was a secret, but Astra and Meem were both hoping rostis would feature again.

The procession was beautiful. There were fifty-eight Or-kids over the age of three now, and they entered in pairs, the little ones first, holding flowers and singing the simplest hymn: ‘Gaia, We Love You’. The older children followed, all the way up to the seventeen-year-olds, chanting ‘Like a Hawk She Watches Us’. Astra walked in beside Yoki, head high. Nimma had been kind for once and had patted a little tinted herbal cream on her cheek, hiding the red swelling. The cream smelled of calendula and witch hazel and had a drying, tightening effect on the pimple. In general, she felt good. The buoyant effect of the Murmuration Swim had lasted and now the chanting had begun she was swept up in the momentous sense of occasion here at Or.

Over the last two months everyone had had shorter showers than usual so that the rain tanks could be used to water the grass on the lawn; now the blades were long and lush beneath Astra’s feet. The sun was bright, and passing into the marquee was like entering a glowing lantern or a shadow theatre, the seven birds perched darkly at the opposite end of the tent like cut-out silhouettes. She raised her voice:

Some of the adults turned in their chairs to admire them, but the children weren’t supposed to smile or wave. They had to keep their heads high and eyes forward and walk in time with the recitation. Astra kept her vision fixed on the Owleons: Helium in the middle of the rail, the larger Code House birds on either side of him, then Silver to the left and the small trainees on either end. Silver was watching her; she had to do him proud.