Astra (38 page)

Lil nudged closer so her bare leg was touching Astra’s and her chin was resting on Astra’s shoulder. Lil’s nipple was hard now. The feeling of it there, pressing into her arm, was like a button: a Gaia button, stitched on
Gaia’s eternal shawl. Between Astra’s legs there was another button, and it was quietly throbbing.

‘That’s okay,’ she whispered back. ‘You didn’t have a Tablette, so he had to give you lessons from what he remembered.’

‘But it’s not always wrong to watch other people Gaia-play.’ Lil’s mouth was in Astra’s hair and her hand was drifting down Astra’s arm. ‘My dad said that before, way before the Non-Landers and the Pioneers, there were temples to Gaia all over Is-Land. To celebrate Her, the temple priests and priestesses Gaia-played in front of everyone. You could come and watch them, or you could come and play with someone too.’

Lil’s hand slipped under the sheet and settled lightly on Astra’s stomach, light as a butterfly on a petal.

‘But that’s with permission,’ Astra objected weakly.

‘Don’t you ever like to play pretend?’

The pulse between Astra’s legs had quickened. It was shooting tendrils of heat through her belly. Astra placed her hand on Lil’s. ‘Sometimes,’ she whispered.

Lil stroked Astra’s fingers. ‘Ahn and Hokma are the high priest and high priestess,’ she crooned. ‘We’re the new young priestesses who have to learn how to worship Gaia.’

Astra wanted to play pretend, wanted to say that Lil should stand behind her while they watched and kiss her neck and cup her breasts in her hands. But the Tablette video playing in her head got stuck when the camera pointed at Hokma and Ahn. Hokma was her Shelter mother. She was solid and logical and always the same and her job was to look after Astra. She knew that Astra and Lil were Gaia-playing – yesterday she’d asked Astra if things were going better now with Lil and when Astra had nodded, she’d said, ‘If you have any questions about Gaia play, come and ask me. It isn’t always as natural as it seems.’ But Hokma hadn’t asked to watch them, and Astra didn’t want to watch her with Ahn either. Ahn was skinny, so skinny he was almost an ancestor already. You could see his bones through his skin, his grey eyes were always looking somewhere far away and his Gaia plough was pale pink like a worm. She didn’t want to see him clutching Hokma, leeching her of all her Gaia Power. What if Ahn infected her with his emptiness and Hokma started looking like an ancestor too?

Except Lil wanted to see Ahn and Hokma together, and Lil was somehow making her feel good. Good and bad at the same time. Why did Lil always start a war inside her?

‘I don’t know,’ she whimpered.

Lil squeezed her hand. ‘We can watch for just five minutes. Just to see his Gaia plough get big. Then we can come back here and practise.’

In the bathroom, the shower stopped. Astra’s heart stopped with it. ‘She’s coming,’ she gasped. She twisted onto her side away from Lil and pulled her knees up to her chest.

Lil curled herself around Astra’s back. ‘She’s still in the shower. She’s touching herself and thinking about him.’

‘He won’t come tonight. He never comes when I’m here.’

Lil draped her arm around Astra’s waist. ‘I bet he will. He’ll meet her in the flying field like he did last night.’

‘Well, I’m not going.’

Lil removed her arm, and rolled onto her back. ‘Fine. I’ll go without you.’

The bathroom door opened and shut and Hokma trod down the verandah towards the living room. She entered quietly and climbed the ladder to her own loft. Through half-shut lashes, Astra watched her ascend. She was wrapped in a blue towel, and her wet hair was neatly combed. Her eyepatch was hanging around her wrist; up in the loft she set it on the little table by the futon, then undid her towel. For a moment Astra could see the strong curves of her belly, and her lolling breasts with their spreading brown nipples. Then she lay down with her back to the room and pulled the sheet up to her waist.

That was Hokma: clean and cool and calm. She would wake up at exactly half past three and fix them all a pitcher of ice water. Then she would feed and fly the Owleons and work on her Code research. After dinner she would tell Astra and Lil Old World fairy tales on the verandah and then put them to bed. All of those things were ways of worshipping Gaia, but if she also wanted to go off to the meadow and do sticky, noisy things with Ahn, that was her business. Lil shouldn’t be following her. And if she tried to, Astra would have to stop her.

* * *

After siesta Lil acted like nothing was wrong. She was chirpy with Hokma and helped bring the Owleons onto the lawn for their afternoon perch. Astra tethered Silver, stalked back to the verandah and commandeered the hammock. When Lil asked if she could join her, Astra refused. Hokma took her side for once and asked Lil to help her in the vegetable garden.

Astra watched them from the hammock, a lump rising in her throat. How had it happened? How had Lil picked her up higher than anyone ever had and then, in the same swinging arc, dumped her in a nest of brambles?

Hokma and Lil returned with armfuls of lettuce. ‘Don’t forget you’ve got an appointment with Nimma this afternoon,’ Hokma said.

She
had
forgotten. It was a Blood & Seed ceremony hipbeads fitting and she hadn’t wanted to mention it to Lil. Well, good, it would get her out of here, at least. She flipped herself out of the hammock and put on her hydropac.

‘I’ll walk with you, as far as West Gate,’ Lil said, following her around Wise House.

Astra shrugged. ‘Can’t stop you.’

They scrambled down the steep slope in silence, Lil’s feet above her dislodging little stones that tumbled down around Astra’s shoulders. At the crossroads, Astra turned towards Or and picked up her pace.

‘Are you mad at me?’ Lil’s legs were longer, and she was right at Astra’s shoulder.

‘No.’

‘Then how come you’re not talking?’

‘I think you’re stupid, that’s all.’

‘Ooo-oh.’ Lil skipped over a branch in the path.

Astra was walking as fast as she could without breaking into a run. ‘Yes. It’s stupid to watch them. It’s
illegal
. They could catch you and then you’ll be in big trouble. Where would you live if Hokma kicked you out?’

‘I can live in the woods.’

‘No you can’t. Not without your dad to help you.’

‘Yes I
can
. He taught me how.’ Lil’s breath was on her neck, her voice a taunting gloat. ‘And he showed me how to get out of Is-Land if I want.’

Astra spun round to face Lil. ‘You can’t get past the Boundary. IMBOD would stop you.’

‘I can,’ Lil crowed. ‘He showed me a
secret
way.’

Astra opened her mouth to spit, ‘He did
not
’, but she hesitated. Lil’s dad had shown her the ancestors. He did know secrets.

‘It’s a tunnel. If we go out tonight and watch, just for
five
minutes,’ Lil wheedled, ‘I’ll show you.’

‘You said the tunnels were all blocked up,’ Astra challenged.

‘I had to say that, didn’t I? The tunnel is a
secret
.’

‘Where is it? What direction?’ Astra asked suspiciously.

‘It’s two days’ walking, north-east.’

‘We can’t go out overnight.’

‘We can ask Hokma. I bet she’ll let us.’

‘No, she won’t. North-east is the off-limits woodlands.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ Lil’s eyes glittered. ‘I can show you the otters. We can tell Hokma we’re camping by the stream.’

Astra paused. She really wanted to see the otters. But there were bears in the off-limits woodlands, and wolves too, and everything Lil said was leading her deeper into potential big trouble. ‘I’m not lying to Hokma,’ she declared. Lil found it so easy to lie – she was probably lying about the otters
and
the tunnel. It was a trap – just a story, to get her to break the law. ‘You’re making it up, anyway, to make me go with you tonight,’ she accused.

Lil regarded her with an expression of contempt. ‘You’re scared,’ she said.

‘I am not.’

‘Yes you are. You’re scared of growing up.’

‘
What?
’

‘All of you are, so cosy cosy. You’re scared of being lonely or hungry or invaded. I’m not. I’m not scared of
anything
.’

Astra gave her a scathing look. ‘You were scared when you came here asking for food. You were scared of living in the woods then.’

‘I wasn’t scared. My dad told me to pretend I was, so that …’ Lil trailed off.

‘So that what?’

Lil tossed her head. ‘So that you’d feel sorry for me and be my new family.’

‘Yeah, well, it looks like you don’t have
any
family and we’re stuck with you, that’s all. So don’t go messing things up here.’

Lil dug her heel into the dirt. She jutted her chin out at Astra. ‘I could really mess things up for you.’

‘Yeah? How?’

‘I could tell Ahn that you haven’t had your Security shot.’

Astra’s stomach seized and her heart boomed in her chest. For a sickening moment she thought she might wee right down her leg and into her sandal. But she didn’t. Somehow she had known the threat was coming. She had been on her guard ever since the cliff – that was why she hadn’t
bonded with Lil. And that was why, even though her blood was flaring cold in her veins, she was able to control her bladder and her voice. ‘I have so had my shot,’ she replied.

‘No, you haven’t. You don’t act like you’re supposed to. You fight back and get upset easily. That’s why you spend so much time with Hokma, away from the other kids. That’s why Hokma wanted me to be your friend.’

‘You’re nuts, Lil. You don’t know any of the other Or-kids. Yoki gets way more upset than I do. No one will believe you.’

‘See. You’re not even denying it. You’re a rubbish liar, Astra.’

‘I’m not
lying
.’ Her fists were clenched now.

‘Yes you are. And you’re getting upset. If I tell Ahn the truth he’ll know right away that you’re scared of being found out. He’ll get you tested and then everyone will know I’m right.’

‘He won’t.’ Astra took a deep breath. ‘He’ll get
you
tested. For a
mental illness
. I’ll tell him what you said to me on the cliff. I’ll tell him you’re
schizophrenic
and
paranoid
, like your dad, and you’ll have to go and live in a neurohospice in Atourne.’

Lil shrugged. ‘All the Or-adults will know that what I said is true. You’ll find out in your IMBOD Service – if they even let you do your IMBOD Service once they find out you haven’t had your shot.’

Astra took a step closer, tapping her temple with her finger. ‘You know why you’re nuts, Lil? Because if you tell Ahn I didn’t have my shot, he and Dr Blesserson will blame Hokma. Hokma’s already in trouble. What if they punish her? What if they
lock her up
? Who’ll look after you then? Huh?’

‘I can look after myself. Anyway, they’re going to find my family soon. Hokma told me.’

‘No, they’re not. You don’t have a family. You just have me and Hokma. You’re crazy, Lil.
Crazy
.’

Lil’s face was pinched up like a lump of brown dough and her eyes were two narrow knife-slits. ‘You have to come and watch with me tomorrow night or I’m going to tell Ahn about you.’ She spun away and ran back up the path towards the crossroads. Astra stood looking after her, her heart thumping in her chest, tears boiling in the corners of her eyes.

‘Stop fidgeting, Astra.’ Nimma tried to fasten the hipbeads around her back, but the two ends wouldn’t meet. ‘Goodness! You’re growing so fast. I’ll have to add another inch before the clasp.’

Astra was standing on a three-legged stool in Craft House. She shifted her weight again from one foot to the other. The fitting was supposed to be fun. She’d wanted to see all the different beads and help choose them and admire herself in the mirror wearing the sample string, but now the beads were digging into her flesh, her head was racing with furious thoughts and Nimma was annoyed with her.

‘Nimma,’ she wheedled.

‘Yes, pet?’

‘Can I stay at the Earthship tonight?’

Nimma sighed. ‘I thought you were going back to Hokma, darling. I’ve said Meem can have her friends over. What’s the matter with Wise House? You always stay there at the weekend.’

She hadn’t considered the possibility that Nimma would say no. Mostly Nimma complained that she never saw Astra any more. ‘Lil’s acting funny,’ she floundered. ‘It’s because she isn’t Sec Gen. She says mean things sometimes.’

‘Mean things – like what?’

This was dangerous. ‘I dunno – things I don’t like – about Gaia play in New Zonia.’ It was the best she could do.

Nimma tutted. ‘Do you want me to talk to Hokma about it?’

She shouldn’t have said anything. She shouldn’t ask Nimma and Klor about anything Lil had said or did because any strange stories coming out
of Wise House about IMBOD or broken Gaia-play rules might get her and Hokma into serious trouble. And she couldn’t tell Hokma what Lil had threatened because the punishment for breaking Rule 3 was going into counselling, and if Lil was forced into counselling there was no telling what she might do. She might even tell the doctor about Astra’s shot instead of Ahn.

She’d have to handle this herself. ‘No, it’s okay. I’ll go back. She changes her mind all the time, anyway. She’s probably forgotten what she said by now.’

‘Good. You just try and forget it too. She had a very hard childhood and it’s going to take her time to adjust to the way normal people live.’ Nimma put the sample string back in her sewing bag and slapped Astra gently on the hip. ‘You can get down now, darling. Why don’t you stay here with me and do some petals before you go back up? That will calm you down.’

* * *

It was like doing a scene in Role-Play class, eating dinner at Wise House that night. She and Lil said all the right words – ‘pass the salt please’; ‘what shall we do tomorrow morning?’ – but they were just acting, pretending, so that Hokma would think everything was normal. Afterwards Hokma made them mugs of hot barley and oatmilk, and they sat on the verandah playing whist. They played three rounds, as usual, and everyone won once.