At Knit's End (3 page)

If you happen across a pattern that says “heirloom,” slowly put down the pattern and back away.

“Heirloom” is knitting code for “This pattern is so difficult that you would consider death a relief.”

 

There is a very fine line between
“hobby” and “mental illness.”

— D
AVE
B
ARRY

I
t's difficult for those who live with passionate knitters. From time to time, they might even consider us odd. Every time my husband starts talking about how crazy I am to like knitting this much, I remind him … it could be worse. What if I were this interested in cabbage?

I will not let the non-knitters of the world decide how normal I am.

 

All children are essentially criminal.

— D
ENIS
D
IDEROT

A
ttention: children of knitters. Here are five possible strategies to torment your knitting parent.

Refuse to wear anything knitted at all. Ever, no matter how sophisticated the bribe.

Repeatedly use knitting needles for purposes that render them useless for knitting — like, say … digging in the sandbox.

Grow, preferably faster than your designated knitter can knit.

Deeply desire a sweater in only a neon rainbow variegated yarn that is so bright that it causes nausea and dizziness to the knitter.

Intentionally develop a wool allergy.

 

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child
when its mother is feeling chilly.

— A
MBROSE
B
IERCE

I
was in the park and there was a baby in a carriage under a tree. I walked by and I could tell in an instant. This baby was the child of a knitter. This baby was wrapped in love that was measured by the stitch. Bonnet, sweater, blanket, bootees, and leggings of smooth wool. If it wasn't for the obvious love that this baby was wrapped in, I would have felt sorry for it. It was 80°F out.

I will not allow something as changeable as the seasons to keep me from expressing my love in wool.

 

It is not fair to ask of others what you are
not willing to do yourself.

— E
LEANOR
R
OOSEVELT

I
'm reasonably sure that Calvin Klein does not knit. I recently got a pattern for knitting an impossibly beautiful sweater that Calvin designed, and after several crazy-making hours I've decided there is no way that Calvin himself has ever sat down with a pair of needles, because there's no way he would do this to me if he had. I could be wrong, and if I am could somebody get Calvin to call me? I'm stuck on row 7.

I will not trust the non-knitting to write my patterns. They know nothing of knitterly suffering.

 

Creative minds have always been known to
survive any kind of bad training.

— A
NNA
F
REUD

T
here is no wrong way to knit. The debate between throwing the yarn and picking it, using circulars or straights, choosing Fair Isle or intarsia… it's all a moot point. If you get something knitted at the end of it, you are doing it right. We should all agree to stop correcting each other and deal with the more important issue. How wrong crochet is.

I will resist the temptation to correct another knitter.

 

The important thing is
not to stop questioning.

— A
LBERT
E
INSTEIN

3
questions for a knitter having trouble:

Have you checked the pattern for errors?

Is there any possibility that you are misunderstanding the pattern?

Are you sure that you wouldn't be happier if you buried it under a large oak tree in the park?

 

Forgive your enemies,
but never forget their names.

— J
OHN
F
ITZGERALD
K
ENNEDY

Tinea pellionella:
the casemaking clothes moth

Tineola bisselliella:
the common clothes moth

Anthrenus verbasci:
the common carpet beetle

I will remain ever vigilant to the enemies of wool.

 

Until he extends the circle of
his compassion to all living things,
man will not himself find peace.

— A
LBERT
S
CHWEITZER

A
s I go through my daily life, I try hard to have respect for every life I encounter. I attempt not to devalue a life because it is small or seemingly trivial; I remember that each living thing, from an ant to a whale, fills a vital role in the circle of life. The balance and health of the planet hinges on a delicate and largely mysterious web of life, where the fate of a single ant could affect us all.

I try to remember this especially when I see a moth in my stash and am overcome with the overwhelming urge to squash the living daylights out of it and every single member of its family.

I will try to remember that moths are to wool as yin is to yang and try to respect them as a species with a right to be here.

 

We live in a moment of history
where change is so speeded up
that we begin to see the present
only when it is already disappearing.

— R. D. L
AING

W
e live in world of machines. Our world moves faster, bigger, and better with every moment. Machines replace humans and often do our jobs better.

When you are knitting socks and sweaters and scarves, you aren't just knitting. You are assigning a value to human effort. You are holding back time. You are preserving the simple unchanging act of handwork.

I will remember that knitting is more meaningful than it seems.

 

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

— P
ROVERB

T
he fourteenth law of yarn dictates that a rolling ball of yarn will only gather moss if it is not green wool. White wool will gather anything black or red, such as dog hair or red wine, whereas black wool will gather chalk dust. Should the knitter be color-blind, the yarn will gather gum. A rolling ball of yarn will also roll as far away from you as possible, likely out of the car, down the aisle of the church (where you hoped no one would notice you were knitting), or into any available liquid.