Attack of the Theocrats!: How the Religious Right Harms Us All—and What We Can Do About It (13 page)

As we shall see, Steve Jobs connects the values of the Beatles to the spirit of innovation, which I’ll get to later in this chapter, but first let’s talk hucksterism, innovation’s parasitic opposite. After all, innovators must by definition actually follow through on ideas. New ideas require creativity. Hucksters needn’t be bothered with all that. I’ll begin with an unexpectedly related question: which do you like better, having sex or attending religious services? Now I’m not judging which is better, mind you. To each her own, I always say. I do want to make sure however that we all at least know the difference between having sex and attending religious services, a distinction some hucksters apparently find challenging.

The Theocratic Hucksters

Recently retired U.S. congressman Chip Pickering seemed to have had a little difficulty making a distinction between sexual relations and religious services while in office. This seems especially odd because Congressman Pickering attended Pentecostal services—you know, the type where participants speak in tongues, venomous snakes are sometimes prominent guests, and premarital sex and adultery are mortal sins. You may remember Congressman Pickering from the movie
Borat
in which he participates in a Pentacostal event at which Darwin is jeered.

While a member of Congress, Pickering lived at “C Street,” a rooming house in Washington, DC, affiliated with “The Family”—a seven-decade-old religious organization that is one of the most powerful and highly connected in the United States. C Street has been a home for many oh-so-impoverished “spiritual” members of Congress. Oh, wait, did I say rooming house? I meant to say church. You see, C Street receives tax deductions as a church that claims to hold “services” in Washington, DC.

Congressman Pickering was enjoying services alright. Congressman Pickering may well have shouted “Oh God” for all I know—but these are not the kind of services warranting a property-tax exemption.

But . . . sweet deal for The Family and Congressman Pickering! Congressman Pickering, partly because of C Street’s religious-service tax exemption, paid about half what I pay for my DC-area apartment—and I live almost an hour from Capitol Hill, while C Street is prime Washington
real estate. My place doesn’t have partial maid service, effectively subsidized by Pickering’s secretive elite religious sponsors. (I really should have talked to my landlord about the availability of a secretive elite religious power group. You can cut down on rent—and achieve eternal salvation.)

Congressman Pickering wasn’t the only tenant who benefited from cheating the taxpayers. C Street, aka the Prayboy Mansion, also happened to be the home to such paragons of virtue as Governor Mark Sanford and Senator John Ensign. These three all managed to earn an “A” but, in their case, the letter had more to do with Nathaniel Hawthorne than Bible study achievement. Come to Jesus, baby! Austin Powers, while perhaps sartorially challenged, displays more honesty and heart than these oily characters.

The Family founded the National Day of Prayer. Its “theology” asserts that powerful people (I’m not making this up) are anointed by God and are subject to different rules than the rest of us. And The Family clearly practices the double-standard they preach. If you aren’t powerful, you aren’t anointed. Too bad for you.

Speaking of family, Congressman Pickering was a very vocal family-values politician. His “family values” included opposing a woman’s right to choose, imposing a nationwide federal mandate to “protect” marriage from those nasty gay invaders, and, get this, voting to impeach Bill Clinton for his adultery. Since the religious “services” Congressman Pickering received at C Street were not from his wife, my generally libertarian sensibilities about sex are a tad offended here by the blatant hypocrisy. You didn’t catch John F. Kennedy lecturing us about our sex lives.

What C Street was doing (claiming religious services when it operated primarily as subsidized housing for the privileged) wasn’t strictly, uh, legal. Sanford, who benefited from C Street’s subsidized housing while congressman, later sought counseling from his C Street pals, when, as South Carolina governor, his actions led to the colorful euphemism “hiking the Appalachian Trail”—now defined as canoodling with a woman in Brazil. There seems to be a pattern with these “family values” C Street residents. I could not give two hoots if people “get biological” or “jiggy” or both, but might it be possible to spare us the hypocrisy?

More scary than illegal activities by religious groups are some of the things that are entirely legal.

The Televangelist Hucksters

C Street may represent an unorthodox use of religious tax advantages (part of the rooming house’s exemption was later revoked to reflect its residential use), but there are several unique tax loopholes in law that are clearly,
if unethically, authorized by IRS code. For example, federal tax law permits churches and other religious organizations to give tax-free housing allowances to ministers, yet the ministers still get a deduction on their mortgage interest payment. It’s a beautiful double dip.

Eight people, for example, secured the godly benefit of an income-tax-exempt housing allowance at Reverend Robert Schuller’s Crystal Cathedral in Southern California. Three received housing allowances of more than $100,000. Three happened to be relatives of . . . Reverend Schuller.

For example, Carol Milner, Reverend Schuller’s daughter, received a housing allowance. She bought a house later valued at $2.29 million. I don’t know how many homes Carol Milner owns, but isn’t it blessed that the taxpayers helped subsidize at least one of them. Keeping up with a mortgage is indeed a burden, and, of course, we taxpayers absolutely must pitch in and do our part to help godly people like Reverend Schuller and his daughter. This is one area where government has taken a very active role in protecting people in the housing crisis. What? You’re not a megaminister? Or the family member of a preacher? Well, bad planning on your part.

The Prosperity Gospel is the “theology” that God provides material benefit to those he favors. Joyce Meyer has been a leading proponent of the Prosperity Gospel, and this “theology” has worked extremely well for her. You may have heard old-fashioned talk about living simply, but the Prosperity Gospel holds that God rewards those who pray—for houses or new cars or, one preacher actually said this, good seating at a restaurant.

Meyer, perhaps the top female evangelical preacher in America, brings in over $100 million annually to her ministry. When she talks the Prosperity Gospel, she lives it: “There’s no need for us to apologize for being blessed.” Referring to herself in the third person, Meyer says, “She has helped so many people!” She asks, “Is there no reward for anybody that’s doin’ what I’m doing?” Clearly we aren’t worrying enough about whether Meyer is sufficiently rewarded. Luckily, God has provided some specific answers to Preacher Meyer’s question. One answer is a multimillion-dollar private jet, because flying commercial is so, to quote Meyer, “uncomfortable” today.

Meyer prays that what people give to her ministry will—at some unspecified later date—“come back to them many times over.” In other words, she takes their cash right now and assures the faithful that God will reimburse them at some unspecified future date. Poor Bernie Madoff is in jail. Had Madoff only mentioned that God would arrange his client’s return on investment, he’d have his own TV show now.

Meyer’s TV commercials invest millions to praise, well, Joyce Meyer for her ministry’s foreign aid (and, of course, to ask for more money). In
fact, only about $14 million of the $100 million it receives annually is reportedly spent on humanitarian aid (and some of that $14 million goes to proselytizing rather than to actual aid). Luckily we have her big money TV commercials to remind us of the holiness of Meyer’s proselytizing “foreign aid.” These ads (paid for with tax-deductible contributions of course) also conveniently remind us to give Joyce Meyer’s ministry more money.

American taxpayers subsidize Joyce Meyer’s jet, and her ministry in general, in the sense that contributions to her ministry are tax deductible—but Lord praise all of you—because you taxpayers really go the extra mile to subsidize houses for megaministers through the tax-free housing allowance. Like some of the wealthiest of the wealthy megaministers, Reverend Meyer may no longer even use the housing allowance because her ministry has already secured such vast wealth that the bad publicity may not be worth the exemption. (I’d need to see Joyce Meyer’s tax return to know which deductions she actually takes.) That said, it’s reassuring to know that our government makes these tax-free housing allowances available to all those ministers still struggling to become wealthier. There is no upper limit on the extravagance of a house eligible for this exemption.

Joyce Meyer has some spectacular competition when it comes to ministerial wealth. For example, Joel Osteen, pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, possibly America’s largest congregation, is famous for at least appearing to cry during his sermons. He has a lot to cry about. As Barbara Ehrenreich describes in her book
Bright-Sided
, Joel Osteen and his co-pastor wife Victoria Osteen have, like Joyce Meyer, suffered terribly at the hands of commercial airlines. The Osteens made the mistake of slumming without a private jet, actually being so humble—Christ-like, one might say—as to fly first class to Vail, Colorado, for a ski trip. (Now that’s mixing with the rabble.)

Tragically, Victoria Osteen was aghast to find a stain, according to court records, about the size of a quarter, on her first-class seat’s armrest. You can imagine how poor Victoria Osteen felt. To quote Lady Macbeth, “Out damn spot!” When the flight attendant did not respond immediately to Queen Victoria’s complaint, Victoria did the only reasonable thing. She made her anger extremely clear to the flight attendant and then attempted to storm the cockpit demanding justice.

Who can blame Queen Victoria? She was flying first class after all. However, even first-class passengers must obey FAA regulations. Those ungrateful bureaucrats imposed a $3,000 fine on Victoria (something akin to a $20 fine for the average American). The flight attendant, perhaps
smelling a little Prosperity Gospel herself, brought a suit against Victoria Osteen. Witnesses in the civil litigation described Victoria’s behavior as that of a “combative diva.” Still, the jury ruled in Victoria’s favor. The FAA had already punished her cockpit tantrum, and Victoria had only yelled at the flight attendant. She hadn’t, in fact, hit the flight attendant.

Naturally, the Osteens devoted their next sermon to their agonizing suffering at the hands of first-class flight attendants. Joel Osteen said, “It’s not just a victory for us, it’s a victory for God’s kingdom.” And “God is against those who are against us.” Read those quotes again, just to let them sink in. “God is against those who are against us”—in a lawsuit about Victoria screaming at (but not hitting) a flight attendant? Then Victoria came on stage before the gathered throng at the church. Queen Victoria literally jumped up and down in a victory dance declaring, “I place a banner of victory over my head.”

With such divine glory, you can understand why people voluntarily give millions to the Osteens. But if you despair at the thought of the poor elderly couples who give away their last dime to snake-oil salesmen, don’t worry. Conveniently, politicians and the IRS have made sure that
all
us Americans do our part to help ministers get wealthy. We are so lucky. The IRS just hands our money to ministers without us needing to take all that time to write out a check. It makes it so convenient for us to do God’s will.

You see, unlike your home, a preacher, no matter how wealthy, is eligible for the same huge tax-free housing allowance I’ve already described. The Osteens own a 5,000-square-foot home valued at over $1 million. Because of the vast wealth and fame that the Osteens have accumulated, they can now, ever-so-humbly, live off the fat of their products (which their fundamentalist-industrial complex so relentlessly promotes) and forgo the housing exemption. But what if this tax subsidy helped enrich their family in past years? Indeed, Osteen’s father was a megaminister before him. Could we get our tax dollars back with interest? Using that old Prosperity Gospel, Victoria even convinced Joel to buy a more “elegant” house, because Victoria spoke words of “faith and victory” to Joel—about a bigger house. Joel says they would not have bought the bigger house had Victoria not talked him into “enlarging my vision.” “God has so much more in store for you.” Gandhi had nothing on these “divine” beings (particularly if you check out their MTV-worthy crib).

God has apparently made sure that the IRS views the megaministers as more equal than the rest of us in other ways too:

• Unlike nonprofits, churches don’t have to file 990 forms (a basic financial disclosure). Thus, their finances are the most secretive of any so-called charitable organization. For-profit businesses, of course, must file detailed tax documents. So must 501(c)(3) nonprofits. Because the finances of religious organizations are akin to the proverbial black box, it is difficult to even find out whether something improper has occurred.
  
• Only a “high-level” IRS official can even authorize an audit of a religious organization. Meanwhile, the rest of us—whether individuals, for-profit businesses, or secular nonprofits—can be audited by any old IRS bureaucrat.
  
• Religious groups can legally give tax-free housing allowances to so-called clergy (some of whom just might be family), allowances that are not counted as income, exempting the housing from taxation.
  

Rick Warren, the multimillionaire megaminister (the one who believes that Jews will go to hell for not being Christian) managed to set up a sweet deal for himself. He got a tax-free housing allowance greater than the fair market value of his opulent home. And we’re not talking about some shack. Back in 1994 his actual annual housing expenses were $76,309 (more than the cost of many homes, especially in 1994). But Rick Warren wanted even more, so the church paid him $86,175 as a so-called housing allowance—all of it tax free. The pesky IRS actually pointed to the law, and poor Rick Warren had to be satisfied with a fair market tax-free housing allowance, the mere $76,309. As law professor Erwin Chemerinsky wrote, “not only did [the Warrens] exempt hundreds of thousands of dollars in income from taxes in the first instance, but they were also able to deduct mortgage interest payments that they made with these tax-free dollars.” Warren had done this for years.