Awaken (20 page)

“
Ben....everything is
burnt....gone!” I say.

“
I know Tar Tar....but you
can fix it.”

“
I don’t know how!” I say as
I try to walk to him. But with each step I take he gets further
away.

“
Ben! Wait!” My voice is
frantic.

“
Found a good patch of
berries by the old swimming hole...” his voice is getting further
away. He is fading away. “Ma was real pleased....”

“
Ben!” I yell again but I
cain’t run after him ‘cause now there’s hands holding me
back...rooting me to the spot. “Ben, come back!” I struggle but the
hands, they won’t let me go. I cain’t shake them off, no matter how
hard I try.

“
Let me go!’ I try kicking,
struggling but they just seem to hold me tighter.

“
Tara! It’s okay!
Stop...fighting!”

The familiar voice reaches my
consciousness at some level and snaps me awake. My eyes open to
faces looming above me. They swim in and out of focus but I know
Finn is there...and Jax....and another face, one I don’t recognize.
It’s this face I focus on ‘cause the blue eyes that seem so
familiar to me ain’t filled with the disgust I’m used to seeing in
them, but compassion.

“
It’s okay dear girl...you
are safe.” Her voice is soothing and calm and I know she is
speaking the truth. I stop struggling and the hands loosen their
grip. I had been dreaming, I think. Gra’da and Ben, they weren’t
real...it was all a dream. I find myself bereft at the realization
that I ain’t in Rivercross at all but laying in a bed....and that
my gut feels like it has been ripped open by a devil cat. I was
shot! I remember that. Tentatively I reach down and feel the cloth
bandage wrapped around me.

The blue eyed lady smiles at me then
and moves my hand away.

“
You are going to be
fine...you just need to rest.”

“
Yeah that’s great she’s
gonna be fine and all but I think she broke my nose.” Jax’s voice
is strangely muffled and I look over at him. He’s holding his nose
and there’s blood dripping down his arm. Had he been shot
too?

“
What...” My voice is all
choky and I clear my throat. “What happened to you?”

“
You punched me is what you
crazy freak! All I was doing was trying to hold you down so you
wouldn’t tear open your wound and you sucker punched me in the
nose!” he says angrily.

“
Well I guess you should
count yourself lucky I didn’t punch any lower,” I mutter back and
Finn’s bark of laughter at this is tinged with relief.

“
Hey Finn,” I say, eying him
as he hovers anxiously in the background. He moves around the still
irritable Jax to get to me and he takes my outstretched hand. It
was good to see him.

“
You okay?”

He nods and settles himself beside me
on the canvas mattress. He sniffs and wipes his hand cross his
nose.

“
You almost died,” he says,
accusingly.

His words scare me some but I don’t
show it. Instead I poke him gently in the chest.

“
Now what did Tater tell you
about me while we was in the raiders cage?”

“
That you was too thick
skulled to die.”

“
Aye, and for once he was
right,” I say and give his hand a little squeeze. He gives me his
gap toothed smile and squeezes back. Totally awake now, my dreams
fading quickly, I look round the little room we are in, take in my
surroundings. It weren’t no shanty that’s for certain. Besides the
bed I was laying in there was a tall wooden chest in the corner
painted with all sorts of drawings of flowers, a window covered
with real painted shutters, and... dolls in every corner. Peg dolls
just like the ones gra’da used to make me when I was a young’un,
carved wooden dolls and other sorts I don’t recognize...but they
were plentiful.

“
What is this place?” I say
in awe. It was so pretty looking...and clean. You could smell the
freshness. I almost feel guilty about my stinky carcass laying in
the fresh bed....almost. Jax is still busy acting all wounded with
his nose and the blue eyed lady is doing her best to look at it but
he ain’t giving her an easy time, so it’s up to Finn to answer
me.

“
This is Gray Valley. Jax
brought us here. This is his cabin and that’s his ma.”

His ma. No wonder those blue eyes had
seemed so familiar, she had passed them on to her boy. But she
seemed nice, kind, caring even. How was Jax any son of
hers?

“
How did we get here? The
Army....” I trail off remembering my last thoughts. Of how we were
all going to die. We had been surrounded, by the Army and a dust
storm, with no way out. I was gut shot....but yet here we were,
here I was, alive. For the first time since I had met him Finn
regards me with a look akin almost to fear. Is he scared of me?
Shizen! What happened for him to look at me like that? That look on
his face, it hurts me more than any shooter wound could ever
do.

“
Finn?” I say gently, “What
happened?”

“
Was a freak dust storm.”
Jax interrupts, pushing his ma aside and striding over to Finn. He
grips the boys shoulder and nods to the boy. “Right Finn? The gods
sure were watching over us....come out of nowhere and gave us
perfect cover to escape.”

“
Aye,” Finn agrees but he
don’t look at me, he’s looking at the floor. “We got away and rode
for four days to get here.”

Four days! I don’t remember riding for
four days! I don’t remember nuthin.

“
Tater?” I say but Jax
nods.

“
He’s fine and that mule of
his as well. Even that she devil belonging to Finn here is okay
though she’s given a few of the villagers a scare or
two.”

We all made it? How is that
possible?

“
How...” I begin but Jax
cuts me off.

“
Ma maybe you can go let
Tater know of Tara’s recovery. I’m sure between the pints of ale
he’s been downing there is a real concern for her well being there
somewhere.”

Her eyes are questioning but all she
says is “Of course dear.” And leaves us, sending me a reassuring
smile. Jax waits for her to be out of earshot before he turns back
to me.

“
Look I know you’re full of
questions but maybe now isn’t the right time...”

“
How did we escape Jax?” I
demand and my tone leaves no room for argument. I need to know what
happened. They fall silent, both him and Finn and they exchange a
look. That look irritates me more so then their silence ‘cause it
says to me they share a bond...a secret. Jax has no right to have a
bond with Finn! No right!

“
Tell me!” I say. I know I
sound desperate but that’s how I’m feeling. Something ain’t
right!

It’s Finn who speaks. “You don’t
remember nuthin Tara?”

I shake my head. “I....I recall being
surrounded, and I was shot...then that wall of sand...” Suddenly a
memory of a brown robed rider with a red gaping wound in his head
pops into my brain and I gasp.

“
Oh gods! I shot some of
‘em! I killed ‘em!”

I try to sit up, the memory of what I
had done so horrifying that I want to get away from it.

“
Hey, hey!” Jax pushes me
back down on the bed, none too gently. “Yeah you killed some of
those bastards...so what? Would you rather they have killed Tater,
or Finn...or me? And they would have. They would have killed all of
us but you....you were what they wanted. You saved us Tara....all
of us.”

It must have been a hard admission for
him, being saved by a new blood, ‘cause he don’t look too happy
about it. His blue eyes are like ice chips and he runs an irritated
hand through his spikey hair. Not much of a thank you but I figure
it’s about all I’m gonna get out of him.

“
But we were surrounded....”
I still don’t understand. “How did I save any of you?”

I look at Finn still sitting beside me.
He don’t want to meet my eyes but I force his chin up.

“
Finn tell me...and speak
the truth,” I say.

He looks to Jax first who gives him a
slight nod as if giving him permission. Permission for what, I
think.

Finns voice is hesitant....scared. “It
ain’t like nuthin I ever seen before. There we were
surrounded...the army was everywhere. You were shot Tara...I could
see all the blood.... and I was so scared! I thought for sure we
were all done for. But then you....you started yelling. It weren’t
no words I could understand but something happened. It was like...
hells I don’t know! It was like the land itself was being summoned
by you....controlled almost. It rose up ...like a dust devil only
bigger. Much bigger! We were in the middle of it...it didn’t touch
us at all but the Army... when it cleared they were just....gone!
There weren’t nuthin....no bodies, no horses....just
gone.”

He stops talking but his eyes
frantically search my face for an explanation, one I cain’t give
him. How was that even possible? Surely Finn must be wrong about
the whole thing. He had been scared, terrified...he must have
imagined the whole thing. But then I look at Jax and I see the
confirmation in his eyes. It was true...all of it. A coldness
starts to move over me and my whole insides feel numb. It’s like my
brain cain’t process what Finn has just told me and I stare at him
in disbelief. That surely wasn’t something no normal person should
have been able to do, raise a dust storm! Jax was right! I was a
freak! A mutation! Horrified and overwhelmed at what I have just
heard I try to sink further into the soft bed.

“
I wanna be alone,” I say
dully, turning my head from both pairs of searching eyes. I just
want to slip back to unconsciousness...to see Gra’da and Ben again.
To be back in Rivercross where things made sense and I was
normal.

“
Tara...”

“
Get Out!” I scream, cutting
off Jax’s words. I don’t want to talk...I don’t want their
questioning eyes looking at me anymore. I am grateful they do as I
ask ‘cause they don’t get a chance to see the hot tears that start
to flow down my cheeks into my pillow. I cry and cry, I cain’t
stop. Everything that has been building up over the past few weeks,
it lets loose and I cain’t control it. I cry for gra’da,
Rivercross, Ben.... for everything that I have lost. Gra’da was so
wrong...it was all my fault! The sobs rack my body uncontrollably
and my gut feels like its on fire with every convulsion, but I keep
crying. I cry for the lives I have taken....they weren’t just Army,
I figure they had been someone’s son, father, husband....and I
killed them! I ain’t no better than any of them! The tears flow
heavily for a long time....surely there cain’t be any left. I sob
into the pillow bashing it with my fist. Why did all this have to
happen? Why was everybody I ever loved taken from me? Why in the
name of the gods was I being tested so? But no answers
come.

Slowly my sobs subside into deep
shuddering breaths. Exhausted, I lay against my wet pillow too
spent to move...to care. I feel numb...emotionless...like every
feeling I had inside of me was now cried out into my pillow. And
tired. So tired.

I get no relief in my eventual sleep
however ‘cause then the night terrors come. Filled with images of
bloody gaping head wounds and giant dust storms and burnt crops and
bodies. I deserve it I guess...evil dreams for an evil soul. It was
fitting.

****************************************************************************

For days I refuse to see anyone, except
Vi, Jax’s ma. I ain’t up to facing any of ‘em...I don’t want to see
their questioning looks and to try and give them answers I don’t
got. They try to visit...especially Finn but I keep refusing, so Vi
agrees to my wishes and every day turns him away with a quiet but
firm ‘not today”. She is my only connection to the world outside,
bringing me food, changing my bandages, never judging. For the
first time in my life I realize what it must be like to be under a
mother’s care and I am grateful for her strength. But with each
kindness she shows me I cain’t help but think about my own ma. Did
she abandon me ‘cause she knew what sort of monster I would turn
out to be? Was the thought of it more than she could bear? I guess
I cain’t never know but the thinking about it just sends me
spiraling deeper and deeper into despair. I was in one of those
dark moods on this day when Vi brings me my meal.

Wordlessly she lays the soup on the
table by my bed then opens up the shutters covering the small
window in the room, letting in the bright sun. Wincing, I cover my
eyes with my arm.

“
Could you close those back
up please Vi?” I say.

“
I could ...but I won’t,”
she says and I stare at her in surprise. She ain’t ever denied me
anything since she’s been caring for me.

“
Enough is enough child.”
She stands over me, arms folded. “For days now I have watched you
wallow in self pity, turning away those who care about you and for
what? Because you found out you are different?”

She see’s my surprise and nods. “Yes I
know what you are, even though Jax tried his best to hide it from
me.” She sighs. “I swear sometimes that boy thinks I am an
idiot.”