Awaken (23 page)

Time seems to stand still for a brief
bit as the music and the laughter of the others fade into the
background, surrounding us in our own little cocoon of silence.
Like at this moment in time we are the only two people in the
world. That nuthin else mattered. But then the contact is broken
and I’m spun into the arms of the next dancer, surprised by the
sharp twinge of loss. That was it...just a stupid little smile but
it leaves me more breathless than any dancing. Light headed and
stumbling I move away from the dancers and make my way back to the
fire. Someone thrusts a mug into my hands and I drink the foul
tasting ale down in big gulps. What the hell was wrong with me? It
was just a stupid dance....why was my heart doing these crazy
little flip flops?

Puzzled by what I’m feeling and not
wanting to make conversation with Vi or anybody else for that
matter right now, I head away from the bustling center and walk
slowly towards the dark outskirts of the village. I feel the
unexplainable need to get away and get some air. I walk along the
dark path away from the ruckus ‘til the quiet babbling of a little
brook beckons me. I head for it and settle down beside it letting
the musical sound of its waters soothe me. I pull my knees up and
cross my arms over them and close my eyes. I can still hear the
laughter of the dancers and the music makers from afar and start
humming along as they break into a chorus of ‘Sweet Sally’. I tap
my foot along with my humming. Gra’da used to sing this, I think,
as I smile to myself. The knife sharp pain that always accompanies
my thoughts of him comes swiftly but it don’t linger as much as it
used to. It turns quicker into more of a dull ache now. It kinda
scares me ‘cause I’m afraid it means I’m starting to forget. I
don’t want to forget.

“
Tara.”

As lost in my thoughts as I was, the
voice startles me and I jump. I look up as the shadowy figure of
Jax approaches and blame my rapidly beating heart on my
fright.

“
I saw you walk away and
figured this would be as good a time as any to talk to
you.”

He joins me at the brook and plops
himself down on the sandy bank. I look at him expectantly as he
settles beside me, but he don’t say nuthin. I wait for a bit, the
only sound being the music makers off in the distance and the
running waters.

“
Well the whole point of
wanting to talk is to actually say words,” I say
finally.

He don’t look at me...he keeps staring
at the flowing water.

“
I know that...I just
wanted....I wanted to say thank you. As much as you don’t want to
hear about what you did...you saved our lives. You saved my
life.”

“
Jax,” I interrupt
immediatley. I don’t want to talk about this right now. I’m not
ready. I’m not ready to admit to anything that I supposedly did,
but he ain’t finished.

“
Shizen, you took a slug for
me! It would have surely killed me but you saved me. And for that I
am eternally in your debt.”

“
Eternally huh? That’s a
frightfully long time,” I say, trying to change where this was
heading. To make light of what had happened.

“
Those words and a thank you
all in the same conversation? You sure you ain’t been into the ale
Jax? I mean this ain’t like you at all.”

He gives me a hard look with no trace
of the earlier smile.

“
Why you gotta be like
that?” he says.

“
Like what?” I
say.

“
Poking fun at me. I’m
trying to be serious here and you’re laughing at me.”

“
I ain’t laughing,” I say,
smothering my grin so he don’t see it.

“
Whatever....all I’m trying
to say is thank you,” he says again and I nod.

“
Well you’re welcome I
guess,” I say. “You know, you never did tell me how you got
captured in the first place. How did you end up in that raider’s
cage anyways?”

He shrugs at my question. “Stupid
really...was out on a hunting trip like I said, alone, and made the
bad decision to go further into the mountains then I usually go.
Should have known better but game was so scarce and I had promised
some fresh meat for tonight’s celebration. Before I realized it I
was a lot deeper into the mountains then I should have been.
Reckoned I may as well spend the night and make my way back at
first light. Made camp and settled in for the night...next thing I
know I’m being awakened by a shooter poking into my gut and those
bastards all around me.”

I nod. “Aye it pretty much happened
that quick with us too. Funny thing is, for the longest time I
didn’t know if I even believed raiders to be real...ain’t never
seen them before. Tell you what though, now I know ‘em to be real I
know I sure as hell don’t wanna meet ‘em again anytime soon,” I
say.

“
Yeah well I can certainly
guarantee the raider’s daughter pretty much feels the same way
about you,” he says and I cain’t help but laugh along with his low
chuckling. Were we actually having a civilized conversation?
Weird.

“
Why do you think that mutie
helped us escape?” he says then and I shrug my shoulders at
him.

“
Dunno.” I ain’t sure if
telling him what I think is such a good idea but I say it anyways.
“I think....I think maybe it was following us...following me. I
think I seen it before, back out in the sand lands when I left
Rivercross. Though why it was helping us I cain’t say. Maybe it
just felt sorry for us...maybe it recognized me as a fellow
mutie....’cause that’s what you believe of me right?”

Don’t know why I added that last part.
We had been talking all pleasant like and I had to go and throw
that up at him. Why’d I do that?

“
It is what it is....can’t
change the facts,” he says, looking away from me like he don’t want
to talk no more.

We both fall quiet then, our moment of
camaraderie gone. Jax tosses a few pebbles into the brook and the
plopping sounds are loud in the darkness. I can tell there’s more
he wants to say but he don’t say it.

“
Sky seems very nice,” I say
finally, just to break the silence. The uneasy quiet was getting to
me.

“
That she is,” he
agrees.

“
And pretty too. Her hair is
lovely. I ain’t ever seen hair that pretty,” I say. I know I’m
rambling on now but I cain’t think of what else to say.

“
I suppose so,” he
says.

“
Is she...are you two…” I
trail off, I don’t know how to word it.

“
She is my promised,” he
says then. I ain’t sure what that means.

“
Promised?”

“
Aye. You know...promised.
We will be wedded some day...when we’re ready.”

“
Wedded! Wait...” I say,
starting to understand now. “Your ma told me tonight was a
betrothal celebration. Is this all for you and Sky?” He nods
wordlessly at my question.

“
Shizen! Ain’t you both a
bit young for that?” I say, shocked, and not sure why, but a little
put out at what I have just learned.

He looks at me puzzled. “No. We’ve been
promised since we were babes. Isn’t Ben your promised?”

To hear him speak that name is like a
punch to the gut! I wasn’t expecting it...and I certainly wasn’t
aware he knew of it.

“
How the hell do you know
about Ben?” I say.

He shrugs and keeps tossing his
pebbles.

“
When you were sick with the
fever of your shooter wound you called out his name over and over
again. It’s all you would say. Drove us crazy. So I asked Finn, he
told me all about it. How the Prezedants Army took him and the
other young folk and how it was all you could think about was to
get him back. I reckoned for you to care so much he must be your
promised.”

I don’t know why but his thinking that
about Ben…it adds to my unexplainable irritation.

“
Well he ain’t...I ain’t got
no promised. That’s just downright craziness. Ben is my friend, my
kin. And I gotta get him back, just because.”

I don’t come right out and say because
it was my fault he was taken in the first place but I ain’t gotta
say it. It hangs heavily in the air.

“
You know you don’t stand a
chance of getting him back,” he says, finally making eye contact
with me. To hear him say those words aloud, it awakens all my own
deep rooted fears. I don’t like it.

“
You best not say another
word about it Jax,” I warn but he don’t give up.

“
What you’re thinking about
doing, it’s not going to work. Nobody gets away from the
Prezedant.”

“
This really ain’t none of
your concern Jax,” I warn again but he still don’t heed
me.

“
You’re going to end up
getting yourself killed...maybe Finn and Tater too. Is that what
you want?”

He’s made me angry now. Why’s he gotta
be saying stuff like that?

I snort harshly at him. “Why do you
care what’s gonna happen to me? I’m just a stinkin’ new blood
remember? A carrier of death...just like Jenna. You shouldn’t give
a damn what happens to me.”

I didn’t intend to say her name, to
throw it in his face but it just pops out of me and from the look
in his eyes I regret it immediately. I had gone too far. The kinder
nicer Jax who had smiled at me earlier ain’t nowhere to be seen in
the stone cold glare I’m getting from him right now.

“
I’m sorry ...I shouldn’t
have said ...”

He cuts me off. “Ma told you about
her?” He don’t give me a chance to answer. “Don’t matter...I’m only
gonna tell you this once. You know nothing about Jenna...or me for
that matter so you have no right to talk about it!”

He gets to his feet as if to walk away
but I’m not done.

“
Don’t be mad at your
ma...she was only trying to make me see reason. She knows what I
am...what I’m capable of and she don’t care. The same with
Jenna...she don’t blame her ‘cause it weren’t her fault. She
couldn’t control what happened no more than you can control the sun
setting every day! What happened to the villagers…to your pa it
wasn’t her fault!”

He whirls on me then and the anger
ebbing from him is almost tangible it’s so intense. His hard blue
eyes bore into mine.

“
You’re right! It wasn’t her
fault...it was mine! I knew what she was, what she was
becoming...and I didn’t say anything! I had seen the things she was
capable of doing, I knew but I didn’t tell ma or pa! I should have
said something...anything and maybe we could have run. We could
have hid out in the sand lands so nobody would have known...nobody
would have found us. But I didn’t. I stayed quiet...let it happen!
Pa, Jenna, the villagers...they were all killed that day ‘cause I
just didn’t want to admit it! I didn’t want to admit that my little
sister was a mutie...a freak!”

I can tell he regrets his words right
away ‘cause he closes his eyes and sighs...runs a hand through his
dark hair. I don’t say nuthin, I just watch as he struggles to get
himself back under control. I want to tell him I understand how he
feels. I understand ‘cause I carry that same kind of guilt around
with me every day... but I don’t, I stay quiet. Finally, back in
control, he looks at me straight on. The anger, the fire, is gone
and his voice is emotionless when he speaks again.

“
So I’m just going to come
right out and say what I came here to say in the first place. Thank
you for saving my life...as I have said it is a debt I can never
repay. But you and Finn and Tater...you have to leave Gray Valley
as soon as possible. Every moment you stay here you are putting us
all in danger and I can’t...I won’t have anything happen to the
people I love again because of some new blood. Ma says you are
almost healed, traveling should be no issue. So I want you all gone
by the morning, before anyone else finds out what you are. There is
no place for you here.”

Whatever I was expecting him to say it
surely wasn’t this! Shocked, hurt I watch his rigidly straight back
walk away from me as he disappears into the shadows. I want to yell
after him the few choice words floating around in my head right
now, but I don’t. I keep quiet. My hands clenching angrily at my
sides I take my frustration out on the nearest object I can
find...a rock about the size a wild rabbit. I kick at it...wanting
to release some of the hurt and anger I am feeling inside but all
it does is send shooting pain up my leg and into my gut.

I don’t hold back with the cuss words
this time, I let ‘em fly at the night sky.

Fine! Good! If that’s how he wants it,
so be it! We were wasting time here anyways in this stupid village.
Weren’t no big deal...I wanted to leave...so there! As a matter of
fact I cain’t wait to leave! What the hell was I doing here anyways
in this stupid dress and dancing to that stupid music...I had
important things to do. I had to find Ben and the young’uns...I
don’t have time for this foolishness. Mind made up I head for Vi’s
cabin. I had some things to do first though...like find me some
clothes. The least he could do was give me a pair of trousers in
exchange for saving his life... the ungrateful bastard! And I had
to let Finn and Tater know we were leaving. Good riddance too. The
morning cain’t get here fast enough. And if I never ever saw Jax or
Gray Valley again as long as I lived it would still be too
soon!