Awakened Desires (54 page)

“Sophie… Where is she?” Henry just looked at me. “What happened?”

Henry sighed. “I don’t really like to talk about it, but I can’t keep it tucked away forever. It was a crazy accident. There was a blizzard during the night and it was still coming down pretty hard the next morning. Then the bombings started, so we took off. We were traveling in tandem with the trucks. We came across an area of the highway that was blocked with vehicles. Once we cleared the congestion, it released dozens of undeads. She was standing up on top of her truck and I was lying on top of mine. We were picking them off left and right. Then I heard this sickening smack on the ground behind me. I looked back and she was on the ground. She had slipped and fallen. Her spine was broken and who knows what else. But she was pretty much gone. I had to…”

I put my hand up. “I got it. Must have been difficult since you two were once an item.”

“Yeah. I’ve had a hard time dealing with it. She has two kids over there. I promised her I would find them.” He paused briefly when I looked at him, completely confused. I didn’t recall her having children, but I had been in the States almost as long as Henry had. So I guess it was possible. “There hasn’t been enough alcohol to drown my feelings yet.”

“You have a lot alcohol?” I was playing dumb. It was obvious he was a drunk. I could smell it coming out of his pores.

“Some.”

“Shit. Maybe we can have a few drinks later.”

“Yeah.”

Silently, we both ate a little more. “So what’s the Thomas deal, and why is Elaina’s brother like us?”

“Right. Well, I was weak and quite hungry…so to speak. We were in that store trying to see if there was anything left we could take. I was hoping for something to tide me over. There was an undead roaming around in there. Nick yelled out to Elaina, and while they both were focused on that, I bit him. I couldn’t stop myself. I was at the edge.”

“Yeah, I understand that.”

“He’ll never forgive me for it and neither will Elaina.” Then he leaned into me. “And Claire always held it over my head. But they don’t understand what it’s like. Anyway, Thomas was hiding in the storeroom. Right after the bite, he grabbed me and tied me up. Elaina found me and I decided he should come with us in case I needed an extra donor. Luckily, he has come in handy, saving my life a time or two. He is a good kid and has taken on a lot for his age. What about Josie?”

“I was looking for more people to join Quinn, me, and this other arse, Gage. He’s dead now. I drained him.” I smirked.

“What happened?”

“He tried to take over. He stalked off into the woods one day while we were sitting, out of gas, on the side of the road. I chased him down and he grabbed me, but he didn’t realize how resourceful I am.”

“What did you do?”

“Jammed a piece of rebar in his chest, yanked it out and drove it up under his chin into his brain. It was fucking brill.” I alarmed myself when I spoke about his death like it was no big deal, almost like a joyous moment in my life.

“That’s a bit brutal,” Henry muttered.

“Well, he tried to shoot me, and there was no way I was going to allow him to be alone with Quinn and Josie. I did what I had to do and, conveniently, I needed a fix. Anyway, I saved Josie. She was pinned behind a barbeque trying to fight off an undead with a long-handled fork. She’s been with me ever since.”

“Nice.” We took a few more bites of food. Then Henry said, “You know, Elaina is still pissed that we aren’t married.” I looked down at my food. “I promised her once we figure everything out, it will happen.”

“I want to marry Quinn.” I was feeling vulnerable, opening up about my feelings to him.

“Have you put your whore ways behind you?”

I glared at him. I wanted to beat him to a bloody pulp, but I calmed myself. “Yeah. She’s all I need. It took me a long time to understand it wasn’t the mind-blowing sex I was looking for. But don’t get me wrong. She is… Wow. Yeah, that’s all I will say.” I smiled, thinking about the night before.

“Yeah, unfortunately, I heard more than I wanted to last night.” My eyes opened widely. I could only think of how embarrassed Quinn would be if she knew we were heard.

“Sorry about that.” Henry shook his head and chuckled. I changed the subject immediately. “She has helped me through a lot of mental shit.”

“I get that. Elaina has done the same. Talked me off of the ledge a few times.”

“Yeah. Quinn has, as well.”

I felt a bond forming between us. I was quickly realizing we were the same person, just in different bodies. We were both treated horribly, abused mentally and physically.

“Let’s get out of here and get to that bunker,” Henry murmured.

Riding shotgun was a new point of view for me. I didn’t like not being in control, but I rode the waves of anxiety like a champ, reminding myself Henry and I were a team.

“How far down is this place?” he asked.

“About fifteen miles. You will see my truck at the edge of the woods.”

The ride was a quiet one for a few minutes, until Henry decided he wanted to probe for more information about the area. “So, Cora…” He tipped his head up enough to look back at her in the rearview mirror, ball cap down tight to shade his eyes and everything else. Smart move. Hiding his eye color was wise, seeing that Cora may question us if she saw his, Nick’s, and my eyes were eerily similar. I would imagine he didn’t want her to see the hangover written all over his face, either, even though the whiskey smell was pungent within the closed space. “Why is this place so empty of humans and undeads? You’re from around here, correct?”

“Yes. My house used to be just down the road from the bunker my husband built. This town is very small. About a thousand, at best. As you can see by the school, the children all attended the one school. The mayor ordered an evacuation. I begged Peter for us to leave, but he wanted to live it out in the bunker. He left a few weeks ago to find supplies and hasn’t returned. Between those things roaming, the bombings, and the storms, our poor little town is devastated.” Cora wiped the few tears that trickled down her face. Guilt clutched my chest and throat again.

“I’m sorry, Cora,” Henry murmured. “Really, I am. We’ve all lost so many.” Henry turned and looked at me. When our eyes met, I turned and looked out the window. My truck was coming into view. “This is it, I suspect.”

“Yeah,” I murmured. The shame of the whole situation still laid heavy on my shoulders.

Henry pulled his truck over behind mine. We all hopped out, and Cora walked to the bunker. I tagged along behind her and helped her lift the cover. Lowering myself down into the dark hole, I started handing my belongings to Henry, who was lying prone and reaching for whatever I was passing up.

“Cora,” I shouted up from inside the bunker. “Are you staying here or at the school? Or do you want to come down and decide what you want to bring?”

“We will be staying at the school for now, if that’s okay. After I saw them take to Josie so well, I think it will be good for my kids to be around others.” Henry helped her onto the ladder, while I kept her steady. She walked into the darkness and stopped at the door. “This is it, isn’t it?” she asked me.

I felt she needed some compassion, so I rested my big palm on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Cora. I wish there was a different outcome for you and your children.” Jesus Christ, I truly did wish that. I was happy I could save three kids, at least. It was a start anyway.

“I, uh…I appreciate that.” She ducked away so my hand would move from her shoulder. I sensed that it made her uncomfortable. I hoped she didn’t think I was having improper thoughts. “Well, no sense in standing around.” We gathered her meager belongings and I handed everything up to Henry. He started loading it in the back of his truck.

I helped Cora up the ladder, then I ascended it myself. We pulled the top back down over the bunker, re-covering it with debris from the surrounding area just in case she wanted to come back.

“You want to drive your truck down?” Henry asked, staring at it.

“Can’t.” Henry cocked his head to the side. “It’s on fumes.”

“We can siphon some out of mine to get it there. That way it’s there…”

“If that’s what you want to do.”

Henry pulled out a small gas can and his siphon. He got to work and put enough gas in my truck to get it the fifteen miles back. I hopped in the truck and turned the key. The engine roared to life.

“Good old American made trucks,” I murmured as I caressed the dash like I would my lover.

Henry leaned out the window of his truck. “Ready?” he yelled and I gave him the thumbs up, shifting the truck into drive.

Henry and I rolled back up to the school together. He parked his truck behind the school, pointing for me to do the same.

Josie, Quinn, and the children were all at the playground. Silas came running toward me. “Mr. Gunther! Mr. Gunther! Did you find my stuffed puppy?” He jumped up at me and, without thinking, I picked him up, spinning him around.

So natural.

“I do believe we did. Hold on, mate.” I set Silas down, walked to the back of Henry’s truck, and pulled open the gate. I reached in and pulled out the only stuffed dog I saw at the bunker. “Would this be the one?”

Silas was jumping up and down. “Yes! Yes!” he yelled. I handed him the dog.
Goddamn, that makes my day.

“What do you say to Mr. Gunther, Si?”

“Thank you, sir.” His tiny, shy voice made me smile.

I kneeled down and gently tapped Silas on his nose with my index finger. “You, my mate, are very welcome. I have a feeling you and I will become good friends.”

Silas reached out and gave me a hug. I hesitated before wrapping my arms around him. A sadness developed deep inside of me. I wanted that so very much. I wanted a child of my own, but Quinn couldn’t give that to me. My heart ached as I let Silas go.

“Now run off and play with your sisters while Mr. Henry and I get all this gear unloaded.”

“Yes, sir!” Silas ran off to the playground. Cora thanked me and followed him. Turning back around, I began gathering the supplies out of the truck. A warm hand rested on my arm.

“I’m sorry,” Quinn whispered.

I spun around. “For what, love?”

“I can’t give you that.” I didn’t realize she was watching the exchange between me and Silas. With trembling hands, she pointed over to the kids.

“That’s okay. I love you no matter what.”

It wasn’t okay, but I would have to accept it if I was to stay with Quinn. It was the same for her. She had to accept my sickness if she was to stay with me. I smiled at her and cupped my hand around her face, kissing her softly. I let her go and grabbed a few more items, following Henry into the school.

Between the kids asking question after question and me trying to comfort Quinn, Henry and I spent the better part of the hour unloading the truck. We brought everything into the cafeteria so it could be easily sorted and taken to the appropriate locations.

“She’s an amazing girl,” Cora said as she refolded a blanket while watching Josie and her children entertaining each other. “She has been such a great help to me already.”

“She’s wonderful.” Quinn smiled.

“So is she really like your daughter? You two seem to treat her that way.”

“Yes.” Quinn did her best to be distracted with sorting. Cora took the hint and picked away at the pile.

Quinn felt like the walls were closing in on her. After tugging on the neck of her shirt, she took her sleeve and wiped away the light sheen of sweat that formed on her face. Breathing was becoming difficult and tremors developed in her hands. She fought her mind and her body, trying to make herself calm and stop the anxiety attack that was barreling in. She tucked and re-tucked her hair behind her ears, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt several times.

Her brain was scrambled and she couldn’t stop seeing Gunther interacting with Silas. He was so natural with Cora’s children. Glancing up at Cora, she knew she would have to let him go so he could move forward and be with someone who could give him that.

Maybe Cora,
Quinn thought just before she swallowed hard. She couldn’t give him everything he desired in life. She couldn’t do that to him. The decision was firm in her mind. Quinn did her best to swallow her emotions and continue helping with the work in front of them.

They came across Cora’s boxes of seeds and bulbs. “You know, we can start some of these inside during the winter months and transplant them in the spring.” Quinn nodded.

The tears would no longer stay back. She wiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands.

Cora was taken aback by Quinn’s obvious affliction over something. “Are you okay?”

“No. I’m sorry.” Quinn dropped the packets of seeds and ran out the door. Cora was stunned and Gunther’s heavy footsteps charged up behind her.

Quinn jogged out of the cafeteria and headed to her and Gunther’s room. Her first instinct was to pack up what few things were truly hers and see if Henry could give her another room. But as soon as she entered their room, the anxiety crippled her.

She wanted to be with Gunther more than anything and it tore her heart knowing that she could never meet all of his desires and needs. Confusion swept through her. She made it to the bed and picked up the pillow Gunther slept on the night before.

His scent was intoxicating. He was so much more than she ever imagined having in a man. She didn’t want to leave him, but she felt her unfortunate circumstances would hold him back. He had grown so much since the beginning, and Quinn didn’t want to shackle him down. Dropped the pillow and staggering around the room, she finally collapsing in one corner, curling into a ball and falling apart.

Quinn bawled so much, her throat burned. She saw no way out and knew she would have to cut ties with him.

“What’s wrong with Quinn?” I asked Cora in a panic.

“I don’t know. We were sorting this stuff and I said Josie was like her daughter. Then she started crying and took off. I hope it wasn’t something I said.”

“Shit.” I took off after Quinn. “Quinn!” I yelled as I ran through the hallways.

The first stop: our room, hoping that was where she ran off to and not outside. After ripping open the door, I saw her curled up in the corner, sobbing to the point that breathing was difficult. The sounds of her distress hit every nerve in my body. Whatever was wrong, I needed to make it better.

“Quinn…,” I whispered, rushing to her side.

I said nothing to her, but grabbed her and held her tight, giving her all of my strength. Seeing her in such despair tore me to bits.

Josie had come to the door to check on her, and I waved her off. Quinn needed the privacy to allow herself to fall apart without being self-conscious or strong for anyone. Until she settled down enough to be able to have a chat with me, I held her—rubbing her back, rocking her.

I took her face in my hands and spoke softly, “Love, you have got to talk to me.” Stroking her face with my thumbs, focusing my gaze into her sultry eyes, I added, “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

It took her a minute to gather her words without hiccupping or choking on them. After several shudders and tries, she was able to release her sadness. “I can’t give you what you need.”

Cocking my head to the side, I felt very confused, having no idea what she was talking about. She gave me everything I needed and made me who I am. “What do you mean?”

“The kids. I saw you with Silas. You are meant to be a father. I can’t have kids. Carrie was it.”

She was right. I
did
feel I was meant to be a father, but I was opting to be with someone who couldn’t give me that.

It was my choice.

“We will figure that out somehow, someday. Maybe if I can get you to New York, you can help with…” I cleared my throat, not wanting to talk about Carly and the baby. I tucked that away for the time being. “But, right now, you are giving me
everything
I could ever imagine and much, much more. You have given me my life. A true life.”

“But I’m not. You are a natural with him and with Josie, as well.” Her eyes were so sad, it chipped away at any hardness that remained in my heart.

“I wouldn’t say I’m a natural, but I do love Josie as if she were my own.” I pulled her face close to mine, so close that our lips were nearly touching. “Listen to me. It’s far too dangerous to have a child right now anyway. Look at what happened to Claire. We have reverted back to the days of primitive medical practices. Women died giving birth all the time. I couldn’t handle losing you.” Just saying those words made my stomach twist into unyielding knots. I swallowed hard, not feeling any relief. “I would go deep into a realm of nothingness. I have no idea how Nick is doing it. Even if you could bear children for me, I wouldn’t want you to.”

“But you will never be truly happy with me if I cannot give you all that you need and desire.”

“I desire you.
That is all
. Whatever you can give me, I will take. Whatever you can’t give me, I accept.” No matter how hard I tried to reason with Quinn, she couldn’t see my point of view.

“I don’t think I could handle making the decision for you. It’s not fair to you for me to keep you if you desire much more than I can give.”

I was shocked and desperate to get Quinn to understand that whatever she was able to give me was all I needed. If she decided to call it quits between us over not being able to have a child, the outcome for me would be bleak.

“You don’t understand what I’m saying, love. I only want what you can give me. Everything else is subpar compared to holding you in my arms, knowing I will wake up with you every day for the rest of this life of mine.”

“But why? Why wouldn’t you want someone who could give you everything you desire? I mean…look at Cora. She can have children and she’s beautiful.”

“What?! No! The only woman I want is sitting here with me at this moment. You share the most intimate moments with me. I don’t want to share that with anyone else. I only find solace in your arms.

“Isn’t that what love is, Quinn? Accepting someone for who they are and what they can give you? It’s not about getting all the wants met. It’s about meeting someone halfway, enjoying one another until the tragic day that you part. It’s about respect and support, and it’s unconditional.” I wasn’t sure if that was what true love meant, but that was how she made me feel. She put her hands over her mouth, looking stunned. “Life for me is so different, everything is fresh and new. That is how I view love after all I have been through. Aren’t there things you desire from me I cannot give you?” I needed to prove a point.

“Yeah, I guess,” she said.

“Tell me what you desire from me.”

“I want you to be healthy, without this sickness that has tainted your life.”

“There you go. I cannot give you all you desire. You have to accept me for who and what I am in order to continue to love me, yes? I accept you for your medical issues, as I believe you accept me for mine.”

“You’re right. I do.”

A little relief washed over me. “See. It’s the same thing. We both have misgivings and issues, some not by choice, but we accept that about each other. It’s not about whether or not you can give me a child, Quinn. It’s about acceptance and forgiveness.”

“You are so right, Gun. That’s what love is about, and I lost that somewhere along the way.” Leaning in and wrapping her arms around me, she gently pressed her lips to mine. “I have never loved a man as I do you right at this moment.”

Words could not express what that meant to me. “I love you so much,” I said. “I cannot imagine doing this with anyone else.”

“I love you more,” she whispered while nuzzling my nose.

“Are you going to start with that again?” I playfully warned with a jacked up brow. Then I threw her small smile and nipped her lip. She smiled and I wiped her face dry. I lowered my tone, with a sexy edge, “You know, I can lock that door, then you and I can pick up where we left off this morning.” She shuddered in my arms.