Azaria (36 page)

Azaria was aware there was some distance between Ta'araki and her father. She didn't know what it was exactly, but knew it had something to do with Dolaria. She was happy to see that at least this common ordeal between the two powerful men seemed to bring them together. It was one tiny consolation during a very troubled period.

Azerban was also able to find one small bit of solace in his mate's downturn. He was relieved his daughter was taking this newest turn in her mother's condition much better than she had the last. Then, Azaria's brooding depression distressed him almost as much as his concern for his mate. He couldn't help worrying she wouldn't be able to handle the loss of her mother. It wasn't unknown for close family members to follow their loved ones into the spirit world. He also feared the shadow engulfing her would complicate her mother's struggle. Zephia needed to be smothered in hope and encouragement. If she were to give up, the battle would be over.

Now however, Azaria was handling the stress with grace. She would accept nothing but positive comments from well-wishers, meeting anything less with a disapproving glance or even a sharp word. More importantly, she didn't let her own health slip. She ate well and took short breaks for fresh air and exercise, trusting her father or Takur with her mother's care while she was out.

"You're handling it much better, Azaria. I'm happy to see it," Daneel commented one afternoon walking up a snowy trail.

Azaria kicked at a small pile of the white flakes which the winds had brought together. The soft covering was now a permanent fixture, making it known the heart of winter would soon be upon them. "Thanks," Azaria replied. "I've been trying to stay optimistic. I don't want to fall into that same fog again."

Daneel wondered if Azaria realized it was her deep depression and refusal to leave her mother's side that gave Yumineh the opportunity to get close to Dogahn. She would never mention it, of course. To so markedly blame someone for the ills that befell them was considered rude and unhelpful. Still, Daneel couldn't help linking them. To her, it was quite obvious what had happened and she wondered if it was to her friend as well. "I think that's smart," Daneel replied. "Mother always says we're at our best when we have our full wits about us." Azaria didn't answer and Daneel wondered if she’d taken offense. A long moment passed while Daneel contemplated changing the subject entirely.

"Are you two lost?" someone asked from behind, having come upon them standing in the middle of the path in silence.

They both turned around at the sound of the new voice. Azaria was disgusted to see Yumineh smiling at her. She was ready to slap the silly grin off the Fox Camp girl's face. She deserved no less for her sarcastic comment, but she was taken aback by the sight of her. Yumineh was adorned in a stunning, pure white hunting outfit. The contrasts with her dark hair and deep green eyes made her absolutely gorgeous. By the way she was standing confidently in front of them, it was obvious she was aware of the effect.

"Yumineh! Where did you get that outfit?" Daneel asked, more than a little jealous.

"Oh this?" Yumineh played naive, "I traded for it. You like it?"

"Watcher's Burden, woman! When I turned around, I thought you were the Great Mother herself."

Yumineh's smile brightened further. "What did you have to trade for
that
?" Daneel continued.

Yumineh laughed lightly. "I'll keep that to myself. But it wasn't for anything that I don't already have plenty of."

Azaria wondered what she meant, but wasn't about to indulge the other girl by asking. She wasn't so sure Daneel would contain her curiosity.

"What does-" Daneel started.

"So what are you hunting?" Azaria interrupted.

Yumineh turned to her. "I'm hoping to find a couple white foxes. I want to make a second hood before it really gets cold."

"Well, have fun," Azaria said, stepping aside to let her pass.

Yumineh looked incredulous and Daneel responded with the slightest of shrugs. "Okay, you too," Yumineh responded. She hugged Daneel before continuing on her way.

"Can you believe her?" Azaria said, once Yumineh had passed out of earshot.

"What? I thought she was being nice..." Daneel answered. She knew how much Azaria hated Yumineh and that she was taking a risk in defending her. But she had to find a way to live peacefully with both girls and hoped Azaria's naturally empathetic demeanor would make her more understanding of her dilemma.

"You thought that was nice?" Azaria asked. "She's awful. I can't stand her. How can you put up with her?"

"Why? What did she say? She didn't say anything," Daneel replied. She didn't want to take sides, but Azaria was the one who’d acted rudely.

"She didn't need to. Why are you defending her?"

Daneel opened her mouth to answer, but thought better of it. "Never mind. I don't want to fight with you," she said instead.

But Azaria was in no mood to back down. The fact Daneel was maintaining a relationship with both her and her hated enemy bothered her. She couldn’t resist confronting her about it. "No, of course you don't. You just want to be best friends with everyone. You want everyone to love sweet Daneel. And when your friends need support, you just ignore their problems, because you don't want to chance alienating anyone."

Daneel thought this was unfair, but she knew Azaria probably didn't mean it. She'd been under a lot of stress, and sooner or later, that level of intense frustration needed to be vented. She responded softly, "You have my support, Azaria."

"Right!" Azaria said, bearing an ugly snarl. "That's why you shrugged me off. Do you think I didn't see the look you gave her? Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"

Daneel didn't have any idea what Azaria was talking about, but she was tired of being yelled at. She’d tried to explain herself, but Azaria was being irrational. She felt she needed to stand her ground. "It's not easy being between you two, Azaria," she countered. "I try to stay away from her as much as I can. But you don't see it. I
am
courteous to her, because that's who I am. I'm not going to be rude, just because you two don't like each other. But Yumineh and I are barely friends anymore. I've stayed away from her because of you, but you don't have any idea. Do you know how hard it is to keep coming up with excuses why I can't do this or that with her? But you don't ever leave your shelter, so you have no idea how hard I try."

Azaria was stunned. Daneel had never talked to her this way before. Even worse, she wasn't even trying to see it from her perspective. She didn't believe Daneel really didn't want to be friends with Yumineh. Everything she'd seen was evidence to the contrary. But what shocked her more than anything was Daneel trying to turn it around on her. As if she was to blame for having to care for her mother. "You know why I've kept at hearth, Daneel! How dare you use that against me?"

"Yes, I do understand, Azaria. But even before Zephia relapsed, you've kept yourself secluded. You've been hiding for moons."

Azaria couldn't believe what she was hearing.
She knows why I've been staying away. She should understand how hard it is for me to see Dogahn with Yumineh. What's wrong with her?
"I'm sorry I'm such a bad friend, Daneel. I'm sorry I make it so hard for you. Obviously, you're right. It's my fault mother is sick. It's my fault Yumineh stole him from me. You deserve a better friend. So why don't you just stop trying to stay away from her and stay away from me instead."

Azaria turned away, trudging through the snow back toward her cave.

Daneel listened to her speech in embarrassment and watched Azaria walk away in horror. She didn't mean to suggest everything was her fault, but knew that was the way her best friend had took it. "Azaria!" she called out, "I didn't mean that... I'm sorry!"

But Azaria didn't turn around.

13

As the sun arched overhead, farther along the horizon with each new passing, frigid snows continued to fall and penetrating winds bit deep. Boar Camp settled into a languid, hermetic state of being. In some respects it was a completely alternate existence. Whereas in the spring and summer moons there was always something to hold one's attention, during the winter snow-moons there was little to do. Many suffered from incessant boredom. Depression swept through Boar Camp as easily as the harsh, glacial winds. Some retreated into bags of poison. Others used the opportunity to socialize, to play games, and to mate. Many children were conceived during the winter moons. Still others chose to be productive in a more utilitarian sense, weaving mats and baskets, curing and dying leather and fashioning new outfits, shaping spears and knapping new tools.

If Azaria thought the move to Winter Camp would bring relief, it was clear now she'd been mistaken. Her mother was only getting worse since her relapse. Her cough had returned in full force. The medicines that had worked before now had less effect. And with her mother's forced isolation, and her recent spat with Daneel, Azaria's social life swiftly disintegrated.

She didn't want to stay holed up all winter, but was afraid to leave her mother's side, even for a short while. Zephia's condition was becoming very grim. Even with all her struggle to stay positive, Azaria knew her mother was deteriorating. There was little hope she'd live to take another breath outside their cave.

Azaria’s thoughts often turned to Dogahn. She missed him more than ever, despite anything he'd done. She only wanted to work things out, to forgive, to steal him back from Yumineh. If anything, her longing for him was worse than before. Besides her father, she had no one to lean on for support. Even before Dogahn had first kissed her, he was a best friend she could always rely on. Now he was gone.

Normally she would’ve turned to Daneel, but she'd let a trivial misunderstanding come between them. Azaria felt terrible about it. She knew Daneel regretted what she'd said earlier and wanted to make up, but for reasons Azaria didn't understand, she hadn't been ready for the apology when it arrived. Daneel had tried to apologize again, but Azaria rebuffed her, her anger still too sharp. Now that she was in need of a friend's shoulder, she was reaping the rewards of her own bullheadedness.

She couldn't talk to her mother either. Zephia hadn't spoken a word in several suns, but she wouldn't burden her with her troubles even if she could. She didn't want her mother worrying about anything - her only duty was to fight her illness. Azaria thought it was shameful comparing her troubles with her mother's struggle. And yet, she couldn't help the way she felt any more than she could help her dying mother.

---

On a gloriously warm afternoon, after several similar suns had melted the snowbanks enough to venture out, Azerban asked his daughter to fetch some snowberries, one of the only useful vegetations still prospering so late.

Azaria decided to walk up the path that led to the other caves in her search. She liked walking up, but that was also the route that would lead near Daneel's cave. As she climbed the slippery slope, bitter winds nipped at her face, the only part of her body her winter outfit left exposed. But she hardly noticed the chill, as her mind was filled with other troubles.

While sludging through snow and ice Azaria came to a decision.
I need to make up with her. This has gone on long enough.
But when she arrived at the turnoff that led to Daneel's family cave, she stopped. She took a couple steps down and peered around a large boulder. She could see the cave entrance, but no sign of Daneel. A little nervous, she decided to gather the snowberries first.

She continued up the incline she'd started on. Azaria was nearly at the top of the ridge when she spotted a small patch of the berries she was seeking, exactly where she remembered seeing them. The patch was well off the worn path. She'd have to make her way through a high snow bank to reach it. Aware of the danger of falling through snow, she lowered herself to her belly and crawled. But as she neared the patch she realized she couldn't reach it lying down. So she grabbed on to an exposed, nearby root to steady herself and lifted herself to her knees. Her outstretched hand could almost touch it, her mittened fingertips were so close. She repositioned her legs and pushed off with her back foot. There! Her mittened hand just grabbed hold of a generous handful.

But her back leg slid under her.

Azaria lost her balance and the snow drift underneath gave way. She gripped the branch desperately but it was not enough to hold her weight. It broke off and she fell back, her momentum burrowing her deep into the snowy pack, the branch full of snowberries still in her hand.

It all happened so fast, she didn't even have a chance to scream. "Owwww!" she cried after hitting bottom and feeling a sharp pain in her left foot. At first she thought it broken, but after testing the foot on the frozen bottom of her newly crafted hole, Azaria realized she'd probably only twisted it.

As her father had taught her, Azaria quickly summed up her situation, resisting the urge to panic. She knew she wasn't too bad off. It was too far up to climb but she knew if she yelled loud enough someone would eventually hear.

She dreaded doing it though, having visions of Yumineh standing at the top of her hole, laughing at her, calling the rest of Boar Camp to see what stupid Azaria had done to herself. But she had no other option, and it would only get colder.

"Help!" she yelled, her voice less than full. She didn't want to alert all of Winter Cave. Hopefully someone nearby would hear. "Help!" she yelled again, a little louder.

"Hello?" a deep voice answered back.

"Hello?" she called. "Help! I'm in a hole."

"Hello?" the voice answered again.

"Down here!"

After several long moments of calling out to each other a large face blocked out most of the blue sky.
At least it's not Yumineh,
Azaria sighed after seeing who'd come to her rescue.

Luzon peered down, a twisted smile on his face, not unlike that of Quzo's, the morning he'd woken her with a handful of dripping wet snow.

"What are you doing down there?" He asked the question matter of factly, but Azaria knew he was having his fun.

"What do you think, Luzon? I fell down this hole!"

"Huh... Why'd you do that?"

"Luzon!! Shut up and help me out of here!"

His demented smile widened. "Why should I do that?"

"Because if you don't, someone else eventually will. And someday, when you aren't paying attention, I'm going to slam a hammerstone between your legs. I promise you Luzon, I'll hit you so hard, you'll lose all hope of a son ever sharing your hearth."

Luzon's eyes tightened and his brow furrowed. Azaria thought he might leave, but instead he laughed. "Okay, okay. Don't get crazy! I'll find a branch."

"Well hurry up. It's cold down here."

Luzon glared back. "You want help or not?"

"Sorry, yes. Sorry..."

He shook his head and disappeared. After a few long, cold moments, Azaria wondered if he'd left entirely, but he finally returned with a thick branch. "Grab this," he ordered.

She did as told and Luzon pulled her out of the hole with little effort. As she reached the top, half her body splayed out across the snow with half still dangling in the hole, Luzon grabbed hold of the top of her tunic and dragged her the rest of the way out. Azaria rolled over in the snow laughing, "Thanks Luzon! I owe you one."

He grunted. "How'd you fall down there?"

Sitting up, she pulled her knees to her chest, throwing the branch of berries to the snow. "Gathering stupid snowberries."

"You crawled way out here for that?" he asked, sitting next to her.

"Yeah. Father needed them," she said quietly.

"Oh..." Luzon's voice softened. "How’s your mother?"

"She's getting worse," Azaria answered.

He sat still for a moment, not knowing how to respond. "Sorry," he managed to mumble.

Azaria laid her head on his huge shoulder. "It's not your fault, Luzon. Thanks again for rescuing me."

Before she knew what had happened, Luzon had her head between his hulking hands, his mouth on hers. She pushed him away. "Luzon, no. What are you doing?"

He looked at her calmly. "You looked like you needed it." His father had told him he'd used that line on Luzon's mother when he first kissed her. He was disappointed it hadn't worked as well as Sakon had promised.

But it did work in some small, bizarre way. Azaria was surprised he could read her so well. Was her turmoil so obvious? "Oh, well sorry... I... I don't think of you like that," she said.

"Okay," Luzon answered, appearing unperturbed. He turned over on his belly and crawled back to the trail. As Azaria followed him, she realized she never would’ve guessed he might have a tender side. She'd always thought of him as a brute, his entire family. But her father always had good things to say about Sakon.
He says they’re simple people, but honest and reliable,
she remembered.

When they both reached the trail, Luzon muttered a short goodbye and turned to go.

"Luzon," she called. As he turned around, Azaria put her arms around his neck and placed her lips on his, letting them linger there for several moments. His mouth was hard, his thin lips providing little cushion. Besides that, he pushed too much, as if he were too eager. She backed her head away and ran a finger across his mouth.

"I thought you didn't-"

"I guess I did need it."

Luzon placed his mouth on hers again and Azaria kissed him back, until the thought of how strange it was made her giggle.

"Why are you laughing?" he asked.

"It's nothing," she answered. "But I should get back. Mother needs me. Thanks again for rescuing me."

"Uhhh... No problem," he said. "I... I hope your mother gets better."

"Thank you, Luzon." She wrapped her arms around him again and hugged him hard. "I'll see you later."

When Azaria turned down the trail she saw Daneel standing in the middle of it, staring up at her, her mouth ajar.

Azaria’s throat tightened as she realized just what she’d done.
Why didn’t I think of Daneel? How could I have kissed Luzon?

Daneel removed her mitten from her right hand as she marched up the trail to meet her.

"Daneel??" Azaria began, her brow furrowed.

Daneel drew her hand back and swung wildly. Although she'd never struck anyone in her life and had no idea what she was doing, she managed to nip Azaria’s cheek. Azaria fell back, not as much from the force of the blow, but from the shock of it.

"I never thought you’d do that to me, Azaria!" Daneel screamed.

"Daneel! I’m sorry..." Azaria stammered.

"Is this your way of getting back at me? Just because you were angry? You’re as bad as Yumineh!"

“No, Daneel... That’s not it... I forgot about you and-”

"Enough, Azaria! I don't care why you did it. Just stay away from us!" Daneel turned and stalked off toward her cave, Luzon trailing behind.

Still sitting on the cold, trampled ice, Azaria felt fresh tears threatening. She bent her head to her knees and sobbed, wondering why everything was going so wrong and what she’d done to deserve it.

---

The next suns grew even more agonizing. Zephia's health continued to deteriorate and Azaria began wondering what life would be like with her mother passed on to the spirit world. She could sense her father losing hope. He tried to stay upbeat, but his demeanor betrayed anything he could say. Even Quzo was realizing something was seriously wrong. He started throwing random tantrums, acting out his fear and frustration without understanding why. Azaria knew he was dealing with the impending loss of his mother the way any child would, but still found herself scolding him harshly.

As if this wasn't all enough, Azaria struggled with the loss of her best friend. She hated herself for widening the rift between them into the deep chasm it had become. She knew she never should’ve kissed Luzon, but hadn’t even thought of Daneel beforehand. She was simply too wrapped up in her own troubles. It was an honest mistake, but it didn’t seem possible she’d ever convince Daneel of that. Her friend had arrived at the worst moment possible.

More than once in the suns following their blowout, Azaria took to walking by Daneel’s cave, hoping to run into her, with plans of begging her forgiveness, to at least explain. But Daneel was elusive, and when Azaria did spot her and try to approach, she would only ignore her. On more than one occasion Azaria was left standing alone pleading to Daneel's back, begging for forgiveness. Despite the rebuffs, Azaria continued to try, but her confidence dwindled and her despair heightened with each failed attempt. She was close to giving up.