Azaria (39 page)

Azaria didn't care. She wasn't looking forward to the feast. In fact, she was only peripherally aware of its impending arrival. In winters past, she’d be happily preparing with her mother, as infected with expectation as anyone else. But now, her loss had her in the grip of a deep depression. Reminders of her mother's absence only served to aggravate her despondency. She was stuck in a slump, performing the toils of habitual life without really living. Azerban and Quzo were also dealing with their own severe anguish. None of them had yet been able to shake off their woes enough to step up for the other two. Ironically, a feast was exactly what they needed to break the spell, but none of them had the palate for it.

It wasn't as if Azaria was distressed over the coming event - she simply didn't care one way or another. She didn't care about the games or the dancing or anything else. She was incapable of joy. She wasn't interested in the food - she couldn't taste anything she put in her mouth anyway. She definitely wasn't looking forward to the socializing. She didn't know what to say to anyone and she'd realized earlier no one knew what to say to her. She didn't care if she participated or remained alone.

The latter wasn't an option, however. The celebration would be held in the lower caves. Most of the activities would take place in Ta'araki's grand space, which also served as a gathering area for such occasions. But Azerban's adjacent shelter and another on the lower level would be used for overfill and to store some of the extra food, poison and other items. Azaria knew she'd probably run into Daneel, and Yumineh and Dogahn. But she didn't care about that either. She'd given up on all of them. She couldn't feel love or hate, anger or abandonment. She couldn't feel anything anymore, except depression and dread dissatisfaction. And that she missed her mother.

Azerban also was having trouble getting into the spirit. He’d been in a rut, performing only what duties were absolutely necessary, even skirting some, leaving them for Hadir to take up. Takur let him get away with it, at least for a while, empathetic to his underling’s heavy loss.

Despite Takur’s patience, Azerban was losing status. Everyone knew by now he was no longer fully in Takur's favor, and some of the Ta'araki from other camps had appeared openly hostile with him toward the end of the Summer Gathering - especially the pretty, strong one from Fox Camp. Many were impressed with his negotiations with the Kebar and hoped for a successful outcome the following season. But others were skeptical or downright angry the attackers were let off so easily. It was no secret Takur had his doubts and Sakon's clan also. Azerban shirking his Ta'araki duties did not help. His daughter had also lost status since her performance at the Summer Solstice games. Although everyone understood the past several moons had been hard on her, her behavior recently was less than expected. Many were whispering about awkward conversations they'd had with her. It soon became well known she was becoming something of a loner, with few close friends left outside her hearth.

---

By the morning of the Solstice, Azerban's sense of responsibility had finally dug in. He worked a bit of Ta'araki magic, burying his emotional distress enough to at least get through the festivities. He was in and out all morning, assisting Takur and Hadir with final preparations. Quzo's youthful resilience and need for play and social interaction helped him overcome his despair. As soon as he heard the first carefree voices from the children arriving at Ta'araki's adjacent cave, he ran off to take up with them.

Azaria though was feeling worse than ever, a condition complicated by a persistent sore throat and sporadic cough. She had no desire to leave her cave, but with some gentle urging Azerban convinced her to throw on a clean tunic and join them.

As they entered Takur’s cave, she felt like a stranger. The heat of staring eyes turning toward her burned stronger than a blazing hearth. She resisted meeting them, instead letting her gaze follow her father. As he made his greetings, she followed dutifully, nodding courteously but also quickly looking away.

They helped themselves to the many offerings and ate together, continuing to greet those who approached. Azaria filled their fists with some sort of sweet tasting poison and entertained herself by slowly sipping at her drink and by repeatedly searching for Dogahn, before ripping her eyes away whenever she found him. Eventually, Shaledar announced the games would begin. Azaria was beyond relieved, as it meant she'd have something to focus her attention on without feeling uncomfortable for staring.

She watched as the children competed in the various games - throwing small stones into a distant basket, racing to attach a flint tip to a prepared shaft, and decorating avian bones with several hues of dye. They were given small shells and beads for participating. Winners and losers were not distinguished. During the early ages, effort was more highly praised than success. Natu young were taught that contribution and collaboration within the community was more valuable than personal achievement. In the stone-in-the-basket game, the children did not take turns. Instead they formed a large circle around the basket and all threw together. Totals were not summed for individuals, but only for the group as a whole. Their results were judged against previous attempts. If they improved they were given special prizes. Of course, no one could prevent some individuals from bragging they contributed more than the rest, but those children were generally ignored or praised less than those who congratulated each other instead of boasting. Pomposity was weaned away at an early age.

Azaria found she enjoyed watching the children play their games. Seeing the smiles on their little faces helped lift the engulfing fog. She was aware of the difference in her mood and thought the poison might also be having an effect. Noticing her cup was nearly empty, she decided on another. She lifted it up to down the remaining contents, but in her eagerness a small amount went down the wrong pipe. She broke into a fit of coughing - exacerbated by the cough she’d not been able to shed - that drew the attention of those near her. Some backed off, leaving her segregated and flustered.

Embarrassed, Azaria fled the corner of the cave she'd been perched in and made her way over to the drink table. She imagined every head turning toward her as she walked, but in reality few were close enough to hear her fit. Most everyone was occupied with their own activities. She filled her cup and moved off to the other side of the cave, again taking up a position where she could watch the children play. She was beginning to enjoy herself again, when Malena and Azul greeted her.

"Azaria, I didn't see you earlier. I was wondering where you were. How are you?" Malena asked with a bright smile.

She was so happy to see them she struggled to keep tears from falling. She hugged them both hard. "Malena! Azul! How are you?"

"Good!" Malena said, delighted to see her friend in a better mood. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, I guess... I mean it's been really hard lately, but we're all getting through-" She was interrupted by a short cough, as a lingering bit of poison was still tickling the back of her throat. "I didn't even want to come earlier, to tell you the truth-" Another hacking fit interrupted her again, "...but I'm so glad I did. The children are so much fun - I'm getting jealous watching them. I wish I was their age again. They don't have any worries. Life is so simple for them." Azaria didn't realize it, but the poison had affected her more than she expected. Her body was not healthy and unable to handle the drink as she was used to. Her cough-ridden rambling had caught Malena off guard, and Azul even more. After a few more polite exchanges they invented an excuse and took their leave.

Azaria wondered if her hacking had scared them away. It certainly seemed they’d left in a hurry. She knew no one really wanted to be too close to someone with a cough, especially in the winter moons. She was thinking about returning to her cave, feeling deeply self-conscious, when out of nowhere someone else surprised her.

Daneel had been watching Azaria since her arrival with her father. She found it hard not to feel sorry for her former friend. She’d watched as Azaria awkwardly followed her father around and later stood by herself watching the children's games.
What has happened between us? We used to be best friends. Now I won't even talk to her. I know she tried to make amends, but I was just so angry. But whatever she did, she doesn't deserve this. Azaria's usually sweet and kind and so much fun. She always cared about me so much. I miss her. She'd do anything for me. She just made a mistake. I love her.

Daneel had deeply regretted not visiting Zephia before she passed. She was avoiding Azaria, not the rest of her family. She’d been told Azaria's mother was close, but had let her ire intervene. Whatever had happened between them, it had gone too far. At that moment she decided she wanted to get past it all - to forgive. She only wished she'd done it earlier.

"Hi Azaria," she said, poking her shoulder.

Azaria turned around, not believing her own eyes. After all her attempts to approach her, to mend what she’d fractured, Daneel was now coming to her. And she sounded downright friendly. She didn't think she cared anymore, but now realized she wanted Daneel back more than anything - maybe even more than Dogahn.

"Daneel! Hi!" she nearly yelled. She made to hug her but then remembered her cough and how Malena and Azul had reacted. The last thing she wanted to do was scare Daneel off. She gave her an awkward half hug before taking a step back.

Her hesitation confused Daneel. At first Azaria looked like she was happy to see her, but then her demeanor changed. "Uhhh. So how are you?" Daneel asked tentatively.

"I'm good," Azaria said, taking another half step away. "How are you?"

"Good," Daneel said. "Azaria, I'm really sorry for your loss. I wish I'd come to see her before she passed."

"It's okay," Azaria replied, keeping her response short. She could see Daneel tensing up and was scared her lost friend probably thought she was acting bizarrely. But she didn't want to say anymore than she had to, for fear of breaking into another cough. She was just happy Daneel was talking to her.

"Okay, well I just wanted you to know that," Daneel said, irritated by what she mistook as Azaria’s terseness. She’d come with open arms, trying to heal the break, but Azaria wasn't having it. Daneel turned her head and looked across the crowd, searching for a reason to leave.

Azaria knew she was losing her again. "Daneel. I'm sorry. I have a cold... I don't want to-"

"Azaria, never mind," Daneel said. "I need to find Luzon."

Azaria watched her best friend walk away, her heart broken. She'd driven her away again, but feared going after her, sure she could only make it worse. She only wanted to leave, telling herself she couldn't inflict any more damage if she were alone.

As she made for the cave entrance, another coughing fit came on. Azaria buried her face in her hands as she made her way out, her quick gait increasing to a slow scurry. Yumineh and Dogahn, who'd been loitering by the poison table in the other adjacent cave with friends, were just entering when Azaria reached the exit. Not watching as she fled, Azaria slammed directly into Dogahn's chest, knocking him to the ground.

"Oh, Dogahn!" she exclaimed. "I'm so sorry!" She instinctively held out her hands to help him up.

"It's okay," he smiled. There was no one he'd rather be knocked down by. He only wished Yumineh hadn't been right there next to him. He reached up to take Azaria's hands.

She pulled them away suddenly, remembering why she was leaving. She didn't want to scare him away either. She felt awkward again, but at least her coughing fit had ceased.

Dogahn pushed himself up instead. "How are you, Azaria?" he asked, risking Yumineh’s wrath.

"I'm fine," she said.
Oh no! Not this again,
she thought. She imagined the same thing happening with Dogahn as had just occurred with Daneel. She couldn't let it happen again. "I have to go. Sorry!"

Azaria flew between him and Yumineh and didn't stop until she'd crawled into her furs and pulled them over her head. She hid beneath them for the rest of the evening, grateful no one came to bother her.

Later that night, Daneel gathered with the rest of her friends. Ilaya, Aisika, Tiriz, Luzon, Malena, Azul, Dogahn, Yumineh and others were all together, dancing, chatting and consuming large amounts of poison. Azaria had been on Daneel's mind all evening since their awkward encounter. She wished she hadn't tromped off so quickly. She hadn't even heard Azaria's excuse until it was too late. Now, she recognized Azaria was trying to tell her she didn’t feel well, but she hadn't bothered to listen. It all made sense. She'd seen her coughing heavily.
Azaria was probably just afraid of passing the spirits,
she realized. She had to suppress a laugh. It was exactly like Azaria, unwilling to harm anyone.

When she had a moment to pull Malena away from the group, she asked her quietly, "Did you happen to see Azaria earlier?"

"Yes!" Malena said, countering Daneel's hushed voice with a raised one. "That poor girl. She's not good. After all she's gone through, now she has her mother's cough!?"

Daneel took a step back, as if Malena had physically pushed her.
Her mother's cough?
That hadn't occurred to her. No wonder Azaria didn't want to say too much. She was afraid of bringing on that horrible cough and spreading it around. Daneel felt even worse. She decided she should go to Azaria, and not leave until everything was fixed between them.