B0038M1ADS EBOK (31 page)

You Can't Change Other People

Another critical thing to learn in situations involving people is that you
can't change people. People will be who they are. When they're doing
stupid things there's no point in trying to "educate" them. Warriors can be
very effective at "educating" people, but unless they're very creative, more
often than not this leads to a mess.

As crazy as all this sounds, the specific skill in dealing with people is
to recognize the things you can control and the things you can't control,
and to have a sense of humor about the whole thing, because what people
consider "normal" is often nuts. You'll constantly encounter people who
make mistakes, do stupid things, and interfere with your life in appreciable ways, intentionally and unintentionally. These are things you can't
control. You'll also make mistakes yourself, do stupid things, and interfere with other people's lives in appreciable ways, because you're human,
too. So what you're left with is that the only thing that you seem to have
control over is your own actions. You don't even have control over your
options, and some situations are catch-22s in which you're caught in a
loop, or between two or more undesirable options. Humor is the only
way out.

In summary, monitor your need for control by using the Control Scale.
If you're high in certain areas, do something to dial down the level (or, if you
prefer, and understand the downside, tear it up and tell everyone to fuck off).

For specific situations or encounters with people that have the potential to result in conflict, frustration, or anger, stop and ask yourself:

1. "Do I have any control over this?"

2. "Is there an option that doesn't have a downside?"

3. "How much does this matter?"

Most important, accept that the answers to numbers 1 and 2 are usually "No"; that the answer to 3 is usually "Not much"; that life is an endless
series of catch-22-like situations that you have little control over; and that
the only thing you can do at times is to simply laugh at the absurdity of it
all. This may be hard to accept, but that's the way it is.

(At this point, if you feel like it's time to seek me out in person to let
me know, in no uncertain terms, exactly what you think of this "training"and it's true that I'm skating on thin ice telling anyone, much less a combat vet, to "deal with it"-I'll be happy to make myself available, at least as
much as the character named Major Major did in the story Catch-22-that
is, at convenient and well-advertised times when I'm not in. See you then!)

SKILL 3. DEALING WITH MORE-SERIOUS SITUATIONS
INVOLVING PEOPLE

Putting humor aside, the example in skill 2 involving "stupid stuff"people
do doesn't address more serious situations where people you encounter
act in various irresponsible, disrespectful, malicious, abusive, or cruel
ways. These are situations that call for a different approach.

As a warrior who has deployed to a war zone, you likely have a greater
appreciation for what's important in life. Even though killing was part of
your training, you, more than anyone, know how precious life is, and why
it's worth protecting, saving, and fighting for. You know what it means to
protect and care for your buddies. You know what it means to risk your life for others and for others to risk theirs for you. You know what it means to
live with honor and sacrifice. You may have known buddies who made the
ultimate sacrifice. You probably have experienced a wider range of emotions than most people. You carry these experiences with you, which help
to define who you are as a warrior.

When warriors encounter people being cruel, malicious, abusive, or
grossly irresponsible, it strikes at the heart of who they are. As a warrior,
you may be more likely to step up and confront injustice than a person
who's not a warrior. This doesn't necessarily mean a physical confrontation. Confrontation can take many forms, including verbal, written, or
through the legal system. As a warrior, you'll be more likely to "fight" for
what you believe in, using all the ways that word implies.

This exercise is simply to understand how important this is. As a warrior, you have an obligation to respect this quality in yourself, and to act
in the most honorable and virtuous ways that you can. It's important
to choose your fights carefully and to understand the risks and consequences, whether physical, social, financial, legal, or emotional. A physical
confrontation can carry health and legal repercussions. A verbal or written confrontation can easily escalate and risks social repercussions (e.g.,
isolation or lack of acceptance from others). A legal confrontation risks
incarceration or financial repercussions. All can have an emotional toll.
Nonetheless, as a warrior, you're likely to be more willing to take risks than
other people.

I'm not advocating fighting, but the opposite. A warrior, probably
more than anyone else, understands how far it can go, and therefore has
an obligation to exhibit restraint and walk away from any situation that
doesn't warrant fighting for. A warrior's pride, arrogance, egotism, selfishness, narcissism, desire to "educate" someone else, demonstrate strength,
or "prove" superiority over another undermines what it means to be a
warrior. A warrior doesn't fight unless it's absolutely necessary. A warrior
doesn't fight unless it's the right thing to do, is consistent with their values
and beliefs, and the situation calls for nothing less.

A word about disrespect: Warriors, who live based on a culture of
respecting authority and each other, will often step up to confront some one if they perceive disrespect. However, disrespect doesn't generally fall
into the same category as being cruel, malicious, abusive, or grossly irresponsible. Disrespect can range from a simple slight that is unintentional
to severely abusive or threatening behavior; the higher the severity, the
more likely it is that the warrior will respond. Most situations fall on
the lower end of this scale, and involve a judgment that another person
should be acting or behaving in a different manner. Some warriors are
so sensitive to feeling disrespected that they overreact with hostility at
the slightest evidence of it, and end up abusive themselves. This is a
form of being overly controlling and not being able to tolerate mistakes.
People have varying levels of tolerance to feeling disrespected, but feeling disrespected isn't in and of itself a reason for confrontation. A feeling of being disrespected is your feeling, and usually doesn't warrant a
response.

In summary, accept that being a warrior means you have a responsibility to apply your wisdom and experience and know when a fight is necessary to protect what's valuable and precious, what has meaning, and what's
worth fighting for; and when it's best to walk away, knowing that strength
and courage require no exhibition-the path of the Samurai.

SKILL 4. DEALING WITH ANGER, RAGE, AND RELATED
EMOTIONS

Another vital topic is anger. Anger is an essential survival emotion in combat, driving a warrior's focus, concentration, and intensity toward the sole
task of neutralizing the enemy. Anger is a natural response to being threatened and an antidote to sleep deprivation and exhaustion; it helps to get
the job done, and serves the vital function of offsetting fear. Warriors often
struggle with anger after they return home. Anger and detachment are
two of the most common emotional reactions that warriors experience
after coming home. On the battlefield, both serve to suppress other emotions that could distract from a warrior's concentration.

Anger is frequently misunderstood, considered to be a "negative"
emotion, or a symptom of larger problems. There's a lot of attention given to anger "management" in the military and society, but very little appreciation of how important this emotion is to a warrior in the course of his
profession. Anger benefits survival and success in combat.

Anger is not the same thing as rage, fury, hostility, resentment, loathing, or hatred. Anger, like most other emotions, generally comes and goes
quickly. I slam my finger in a car door or bang my head on a kitchen cabinet and I immediately get angry at the door, cabinet, or myself. The anger
then rapidly dissipates and is replaced by greater attention to the level of
pain, frustration, or other feelings. Someone pulls out from a side street,
and I have to slam on my brakes to avoid a collision. I immediately get
angry at them, but this is quickly replaced with relief at the narrow miss,
or going back to whatever thoughts I was having before this happened.
For most situations, anger generally comes on, gets expressed, and then is
gone, over and done with.

In contrast, emotional conditions like rage, fury, hostility, loathing, or
hatred involve behaviors that can persist. Anger can certainly progress to
rage, hatred, or these other conditions, but it's these conditions that cause
problems. If I tear the kitchen cabinet off the wall or chase down the guy
who almost broadsided my car to teach him "a lesson," this has notched
the situation up into rage. Anger is an emotion, an immediate internal
reaction to a situation. Rage and fury, which involve emotion that has built
up, disproportionately forces actions and behaviors.

Confusing Anger with Behaviors

A problem in our society, and in the approach to anger "management," is
that anger-the emotion-is often confused with these other responses.
It's not the anger that needs managing, but the various behaviors that can
rise from it. Yet people often think that simply the expression of anger,
by definition, is the root cause of a larger problem. People often mistake
assertiveness for aggressiveness, both of these for anger, and anger for rage
or hostility. These are not the same.

Anger is a sudden strong feeling of displeasure related to pain or hurt
that quickly loses steam. It's usually directed at someone or something
specific. Rage, fury, hostility, loathing, and hatred have no boundary, no end, and are often nonspecific in focus. No matter how much steam is let
off, there's always more, and letting off any steam only serves to build more
up. There is often a feeling of bitterness that has built up as a result of
cumulative perceived injustices. Rage and fury are violent, uncontrolled,
vehement, extreme. They can fester and become compulsive, along with
loathing or hatred. Hostility reflects smoldering rage or hatred, ill will
directed at people or groups that can become self-sustaining. If I'm feeling
hostile, my hostility will be directed at everyone around me. I push everyone away, and my actions are hurtful to others. Resentment and passiveaggressive behavior are closely related.

Being assertive is confidently or forcefully taking or stating a position
or claim. Being aggressive may mean taking an attacking stance or posture, but can also mean showing determination, as in "an aggressive business position." Neither of these are the same thing as anger. You can be
aggressive or assertive with or without feeling angry.

So why is this important? What's crucial here for you (and your family
members and friends) to understand is that anger-the sudden emotion
when a driver cuts you off, your boss denies your request for leave, an airline loses your luggage, your spouse tells you out of the blue that they're
thinking of divorce, someone breaks into your car, or an enemy combatant
or mugger on the street points a weapon at you-isn't the problem. Anger
is a natural emotional reaction to any of these situations. The problem
only comes when the warrior allows the anger to fester or progress to persistent rage, fury, hostility, resentment, or hatred; in other words, when the
immediate feeling of anger leads to a persistently angry state and behaviors and actions that have negative consequences.

A warrior who returns from combat, and who has experienced the
extremes of emotions, including anger, often finds him- or herself in an
awkward position. Anger has been an important survival emotion, and
there may be deep and intense feelings of anger related to things that
happened during combat. This anger needs a way to be expressed (and
going to the gym isn't going to cut it). However, the warrior's loved ones
take any expression of anger as a sign that there's a much bigger problem,
a smoldering cauldron of rage waiting to pour forth. The warrior may also fear that if any anger is expressed at all, it may get out of control. As a
result, legitimate feelings of anger are withheld.