B0038M1ADS EBOK (33 page)

• When anger needs to be expressed or acknowledged, follow these
three steps: a) express your anger verbally to yourself; b) clearly
identify what you're angry about; and c) identify any other emotions
that may coexist with the anger. This does not mean yelling at someone
or acting on the anger. Here are examples: "I'm angry at the bastard
who smashed my windshield, and frustrated at how much time has
been wasted trying to fix this problem." "I'm furious at the fuckers
who attacked us, and I feel helpless." "I'm angry and torn up over my
buddy being injured; it hurts so much." "I'm angry and hurt that my
boss denied my leave and I can't go on the trip." "I'm angry that I have
this illness, and scared that it could be serious." "I'm angry that I didn't
get the promotion, and frustrated that they didn't recognize what I
have to offer." "I'm angry at what my spouse said, and worried about
losing her." Accept how you feel. Don't deny how you feel. Don't hold
on to your anger. Express it verbally by first acknowledging to yourself
how you feel and identifying other emotions that are present, such as
hurt or worry.

• Talk about what's bothering you with someone you trust. This helps
greatly to sort out exactly what you're angry about and what other
emotions exist. It helps if the person can empathize with your feelings
of anger and not judge you or tell you that you shouldn't feel that way.

• If you share your anger with the person you're angry with, only
express it verbally by using "I" statements, and find other words to
express any underlying feelings. Respect that their views might be very different from yours. Do not direct your anger in the form of a
personal attack, such as name calling, or using threatening, berating,
mocking, sarcastic, intimidating, or abusive language or behavior.
Phrases that start with "You," such as "You're a " (fill in the
blank), or declarative statements that start with the words "You always
..." or "You never ..." are off-limits (e.g., "You always do that" or
"You never follow through on anything"). Starting phrases with "I" is
essential.

• Pay attention to other emotions underneath the anger, and express
them as well. Sometimes recognizing the underlying emotions helps
the anger subside. For example, "I'm angry you said that" could
be expressed as "I feel hurt that you said that"; or if the anger is
still present, "I feel angry and hurt that you said that." Go for the
underlying emotion even if anger is still there. "I'm angry you didn't
do what you said you would" could be changed to "I'm angry that
you didn't do what you said you would, and I'm worried we won't
get it done in time." In other words, express your anger with an "I"
statement, not a "you" statement, and try to find the words to express
any underlying feelings.

• Once you've expressed how you feel, shut up. Don't justify or defend
your feeling. Don't criticize, interrupt, or lecture anyone around you
who seems not to understand or appreciate what you're feeling.

• Don't play the blame game. Don't blame others for how you feel or
for unfortunate things that are happening in your life. Everyone is
doing the best they can and the worst they can at any given moment,
including you. Yes, they can do better or worse in the future, and
may have done better or worse in the past, but at any moment in
time we're only doing what we can. It's appropriate to feel angry with
someone who smashed your windshield, at your boss for not giving
you a promotion, at your spouse for cheating on you, or at the mugger
for attacking you. You may have a legitimate reason to hold someone
accountable for something that they did or didn't do, but blame is
a useless part of a warrior's vocabulary. Own your own feelings. If you're constantly blaming, criticizing, or finding "fault" with people
around you, then you've arrived at the wrong coordinates and are
holding on to resentment and anger in an unhealthy way.

• Put space between your reactions (in this case, your feeling of anger)
and your actions or behaviors, as noted in chapter 5, skill 3. This is
another way to say, "Count to ten." You can do this by not speaking
when you feel like you're going to explode at someone; taking a deep
breath from the abdomen; telling yourself to keep the frequency,
intensity, or duration low, mild, and short; or by removing yourself
completely from the situation or environment. For example, if
you discover your spouse cheating on you, it probably would be a
good idea to leave immediately and let things cool down before you
engage in any conversation about what's going on or how you feel
about it.

• Do some physical activity that you enjoy and that takes your mind
and energy off the angry feelings, like taking a long hike, a run, or a
bike ride; throwing yourself into the surf; going camping, fishing, or
hunting; playing sports; dancing; or doing anything that works your
body outdoors. Anger sits in the mind and muscles of your body, and
often it's very helpful to clear your mind and get into your body for
a while in a different way.

• If your anger is expressed in a harsh or inappropriate manner,
apologize as soon as possible. Make sure your apology is sincere and
complete. Never follow an apology with a "but" ("I'm sorry, but. . .").

• If you have any murderous feelings, you're not crazy. Murderous
feelings don't just stop the moment you come off the battlefield. It's
part of being human. Picturing what can be done to someone can
actually be relaxing for some warriors. So what do you do with these
feelings? Acknowledge them to yourself or someone you're close to
who understands that you're not crazy, and then let them go. Feelings
are feelings; they are not the same as actions. If these feelings are
more than momentary, and you find yourself researching options for
how to accomplish it, or develop intent to actually follow through, then it's time to visit a mental health professional, chaplain, or go to
the nearest emergency room.

• If you have a persistent problem with rage behaviors that are
interfering with your work or social life, or that include threatening
actions, verbal or physical abuse, or homicidal plans, then get help.
There are two crisis lines available where you can reach a counselor
twenty-four hours a day: the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and the National Domestic Violence
Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). Both of
these hotlines are connected with crisis centers where you can get
immediate assistance for yourself or a loved one you're concerned
about. Traditional anger management programs, or programs that
consider persistent rage in the same way as an addiction, do a good
job of helping with rage behaviors.

Here are some additional thoughts from First Sergeant Mike Schindler:

I believe that most people have certain expectations about warriors-such
as everything is okay now that you're home. As long as people believe that
you're "okay, " they do not have to think about the horrors of war and
what you actually have endured. You, the warrior, will try to live up to
these expectations. Like, take it all in stride, keep your mouth shut, don't
talk specifics about your combat experiences, keep your cool-no matter the
situation.

Basically after someone asks you, "How are you doing?" and you say,
"I'm okay, " most people want you to shut up, go away, and not talk about
combat. However, if you do begin to talk in depth with civilians about how
you really feel concerning your combat experiences, they usually stop listening after thirty seconds. Then they respond with, "But you're okay, right?"
This response means the end of the "discussion" on their terms about your
combat experiences. They just don't want to listen to your "war stories. "
What civilians want is for you to hear what they have to say about war,
combat, and killing the enemy. This way they can go home and stuff cheese burgers in their mouths and not have to think about you or war; because
you're "okay, " combat must not be so bad after all.

I can't count the times that I have personally gone through that scenario, which fed the anger deep inside of me, waiting to explode onto some
unsuspecting person or persons when I finally couldn't take it anymore. I
have always felt that I was an alien when I came home from war, or that I
was on the outside looking in.

This "I'm okay " scenario made me want to scream, punch someone's
lights out, and/or run away and hide because I could not deal with the
everything-is-okay environment. The truth being that everything was not
okay with me. So for the next thirty plus years, I suppressed my anger, guilt,
and trauma of combat, which at times came out of me with certain people
or situations when I couldn't take life anymore.

The subject of killing is a hard one to talk about and understand.
We all know that killing is bad. We learn this from our family, school, our
churches, mosques, synagogues, etc. Killing is against the law and morally
wrong in society. The thought of going to war to be in combat and kill is
at best extremely difficult for most people. For me the process of becoming
a combat warrior took all of two seconds to pull the trigger and kill some
poor bastard, without remorse. In every firelight-although different situations-my mind-set was always the same: Kill the bastards. The reasons
don't matter in afirefight. Your job as a combat warrior is to kill, kill, kill
the enemy, save yourselves, and accomplish the mission.

Combat warriors while in afirefight are not killing for the greater good
(whatever that is). We are killing to survive and keep each other alive. I
killed and would have gladly died for my brother warriors. The only solace
we have is each other.

Combat warriors don't have the luxury to always be moral, and we
don't make U.S. policy; we just carry it out. The transition from the battlefront to the home front and being "okay" is very challenging,- learning to
understand that your actions in combat were necessary for survival, for
the success of the mission, and a result of your training. By definition, the
job is to kill the enemy, as per U. S. policy. That sounds cold-blooded-well, that's what war is about. Combat is the ruthless desire to kill the enemy for
many reasons. All I know is that to hesitate when the bullets are flying and
bombs are exploding is to die; there is no time to be moral.

Then it seems that in no time at all you find yourself home standing
on the corner of Packard and State streets wondering what the f%$# is
happening. Whenever you meet an old friend or family member, the same
two questions are usually asked: "How are you?" and then, "Did you have
to kill anybody?" Your answer usually being what they want to hear: "I'm
okay, and no, I did not have to kill anybody. "

Eventually having to suppress the truth to the questions of "How are
you?" and "Did you have to kill anybody?" becomes a source of anger. I
felt that no one understood the answers and did not want the hard truths
concerning combat, killing, and war. I had to learn to not feed the monsters of anger, guilt, and despair. My personal way was to find an activity
that would get me moving outside and interacting with people; in my case,
Hawaiian outrigger canoeing.

Controlling your environment back "home" is as critical for survival
as when in combat. One of my most difficult emotions to control was anger.
My brother called me a rageaholic. Sometimes I would blow my stack for
the dumbest of dumb shit and not care about the people I affected. On the
opposite end of rage, I could be way relaxed in the most difficult, dangerous, or scary situations.

This rage behavior or uncaring feelings are the direct result of combat and must be dealt with. Controlling how you feel is controlling your
environment. If you can't stand crowds, then understand that you can do
anything for a period of time. Just minimize the feelings for the duration of
time you have to be in big crowds. But trust that you can deal with crowds.

Airports are my challenge and have been for decades. I used to often
go through the airport in combat-ready mode. Ready to argue or bully an
airport worker, airline staff member, etc. Nowadays airports are a source of
entertainment and humor for me when I travel because I accept the chaos
as normal. Patience and tolerance for others have kept me from trouble,
sometimes big trouble. Rage is like super high-octane fuel for bad things to
happen on many levels. Being cool and positive is the way to a happy soul.

Learning how to be cool and happy takes time and constant practice.
Dealing with people, environments, and relationships is a huge package.
I learned to deal with life by taking it one moment at a time. "Live for the
moment" is my motto, and one of my tools for survival in the great game
of life.