B0038M1ADS EBOK (51 page)

When the day came for him to leave, I hugged him and started to fall
apart, and he didn't want any part of this; he said something like "Come
on, " and had such composure that I felt even more of an idiot for being so
emotional. He left and I was alone, sitting on the stairs beside the living room,
falling into a funk of sadness. I felt that apiece of me had walked out the door
and that without this piece, I wasn't sure how to hold myself together.

So began a journey of finding my strength without him, and also my
ability to build a community of support. I turned to my friends, to other
parents at my younger daughter's school, and to e-mail contacts to ask for
their positive thoughts, prayers, blessings, and wishes for Charlie's safety
and for the well-being of our family. I specifically asked others to visualize
his return home and did this myself.

I was already engaging in movement expression as a yoga teacher
and dancer and I utilized these practices to stay grounded and to have a
nonverbal way to give some form to my feelings. It just so happened that
the choreographer of my dance company decided to create a dance called
"Always Near, " and this became my place to put my desire to connect with
Charlie on an emotional level.

The way we actually did connect during his deployment was very
matter-of-fact-just brief check-in calls, where he would update me on his
whereabouts, or just to say he was okay. The life of our relationship was
kind of on hold, and I learned to accept that this was just the way it was.

Of course, when Charlie did return safely, I was ready to resume where
we left off-but he wasn't. Our whole family was excited to have him home, and he could see this, but it seemed more like he wanted to go curl up in a
ball somewhere. There was something out of reach about him, and I wasn't
sure how to be with this. I tended to give him space, and so I felt I was still
missing him-still missing him while he was right here.

I found I had to wait; I had to gather great patience, had to allow him
to "unroll" himself bit by bit, as he was tightly coiled. He especially seemed
far away while he was sleeping next to me. It was like he was in a cocoon,
or wanted to be in a cocoon, gathered into himself, and I missed finding
his arm draped around me. The space between us turned into a gap. I had
to hear it from a wise friend of mine to change my approach to this gap.
"Move in, " she said. "Bring yourself closer. "

It was up to me to bridge the gap, which Charlie probably wasn't even
aware of. It was as simple as bringing my posture more forward, toward
him, during a conversation. I found that this wasn't intrusive, it was
supportive to both of us. It was a way of saying, "I'm here, no matter where
you are or where you've been, " a way of crossing the divide to the present
moment, a place to meet. I have tremendous gratitude for this meeting
place, which offers itself to us on any given day.

This chapter concludes the book by providing thoughts and suggestions
for discovering meaning and purpose in your journey. Life is in many
ways senseless, meaningless, and random; and in other ways, magnificent, beautiful, awe-inspiring, and filled with mystery and wonder. Warriors have experienced the depths of what life has to offer, and have
much to give to the world. You and your loved ones deserve to be happy
and enjoy life.

The last letter of LANDNAV, "V," evokes five different qualities to
consider for yourself: vision, voice, village/community, joie de vivre (joy of
living), and victory. Each of these words is a gift that you can use as a
springboard for thinking about what's most important in your life now, and
where you would like to see yourself in the future. They provide encouragement to free-associate, reflect, let go, feel free, and think beyond the
limits of what you do on an everyday basis.

VISION

Having vision means being present in the moment to see what is before
you. It means accepting who you are now and what goals you would like to
consider for yourself. It means having faith in yourself and following your
truth, wherever that leads you.

How do you know what your truth is? Your truth is what you are motivated and inclined toward, what excites or interests you, what gives you a
sense of contribution or accomplishment, what connects you with others,
what makes you happy, what you do in the world, what you value, and what
you believe to be true.

Vision is also the ability to connect all of your senses so that you "see"
what is happening around you more clearly. It's the strength of intuition.
It's knowing something that you don't remember ever learning. It's the
ability to feel what's happening in others, which is empathy and compassion. It's the ability to offer just what someone needs. It's the ability to
know your limits. It's the knowledge of what might happen, and the ability
to let go and accept not being able to control what will happen.

VOICE

Voice is how you express yourself in the world, how you communicate,
what you wish to share with others, and how you share yourself with others. Your voice is what comes out of you unexpectedly and spontaneously,
what rises up from within when you allow it. Voice is an expression of your
creativity, of who you are.

Your voice is when you speak your truth. Your voice is your message for
the world, your soft touch on humanity, the gift of memories you leave in
others, your laughter, your radiance, your warmth, your caring, the healing words you give your children, and your breath on the face of your
lover.

VILLAGE/COMMUNITY

There is no greater purpose than the love we share with others. Our capacity to give and receive love and to show compassion and caring for others is
what sustains us and lasts beyond our individual lives. Meaning lies in the
connections we make in the world.

Biologically we are animals that depend on our family and community
for survival. We have progressed because of our ability to live together
and work collectively toward common goals, with each member serving a
unique role and function in the larger effort.

Our ability to grow, evolve, develop, and transcend depends on the
feedback we receive in a myriad of ways from everyone around us. We all have hopes, dreams, and fears that we share. We are all as crazy and as sane
as everyone else. We all live and die. We all mourn and grieve. We all laugh.
We all hurt. We're all different. We're all the same. We are individuals
connected and inseparable from each other. No matter how strongly we
adhere to one faith, every great religion carries the same message of love,
compassion, forgiveness, transcendence, and hope.

The meaning of life is the time that we share with the ones we love, the
stillness of gratitude for their presence in our lives, and the gifts we bring
to make the world a better place and do what is right.

JOIE DE VIVRE (JOY)

Happiness and joy are impermanent and ever-present at the same time.
Amid everything we do and every pain we suffer, we all have the unalienable right, stated even in our Constitution, to the pursuit of happiness. We
all carry the hope of happiness inside us, no matter how much suffering
we may encounter in our lives, and only have to look beneath the surface
to discover it in this moment. We experience it in moments, like rays of
sunshine appearing through the clouds. The spirit of happiness is spontaneous, free, playful, creative, curious, present, warm, and filled with love
and gratitude. Playing with your puppy or kitten, watching your infant
breathe, lying in the sun, dancing, making love, hanging out, taking in
what's around you, paddling in a canoe, or finding the humor and absurdity in life. Happiness is the song we dance to for our entire lives.

VICTORY