B006DTZ3FY EBOK (13 page)

Cynthia
had to glance away; she could not bear it.
“I
certainly attracted a great deal of attention.
”

“T
hat you did.
”
Lady Ballymere sounded pleased with herself.

“I
ncluding the attention of Sir James Filey.
”
Cynthia
’
s hands fisted as she remembered. She forced herself to meet her mother
’
s eyes.
“I
attracted his attention almost immediately.
”

Lady Ballymere
’
s pleased expression faded a little.
“Y
es. Well. In hindsight, that might have been unfortunate, I grant you.
”

Cynthia
covered her face with her hands.
“U
nfortunate. Oh, Mama. How could you?
”

“I
said it
might
have been unfortunate,
”
said Lady Ballymere testily.
“A
ll
’
s well that ends well.
”

“M
ama, I almost married him! And it was all your doing.
”
She dropped her hands and stared at her mother, anguished.
“I
did not know what you were about, but you surely did. You
sold
me to Sir James.
”

Lady Ballymere stiffened.
“
Cynthia
, really! Marriage is not slavery.
”

“M
y life would have been a living hell.
”

“P
ooh! You exaggerate.
”

“Y
ou don
’
t know.
”
Cynthia
tried, and failed, to keep her voice from shaking.
“Y
ou don
’
t know the things he did to m
e. The things he said. He had a
... a
penchant
for extremely young girls. He told me so. And he seemed to think that my reserve, my aversion to being
touched and kissed by him, was
...
”
Her voice dropped to a shamed whisper.
“E
xciting.
”
Tears of revulsion welled in her eyes.
“T
he more frightened I
was
, the better he liked it. He
—
he went out of his way to frighten me, Mama. To make certain that I loathed and feared him.
”
She shook her head in helpless horror.
“I
can
’
t tell you how it was.
I have no words to explain such
... such wickedness.
”

Lady Ballymere looked genuinely aghast at this.
“M
y poor darling! Is this true?
”

“O
f course it is true! Would I
invent
such a tale?
”

Her mother wore the oddest expression; a mixture of shame and disbelief.
“I
cannot believe it,
”
she said in a low tone. She seemed to be talking to herself.
“O
h,
no. I cannot believe it
.
”

Cynthia
was silent. It was obvious to her that her mother did, in fact, believe her. The words of denial were a reflex, no more.

Eventually Lady Ballymere lifted troubled eyes to hers.
“W
hy did you not tell me at the time?
”

It was
Cynthia
’
s turn to look surprised.
“I
tried to tell you, Mama.
”

Her mother almost flinched. It was true that
Cynthia
had tried to tell her. She must remember as clearly as
Cynthia
did, the times when
Cynthia
would beg her to listen and she would refuse, slamming out of the room while
Cynthia
collapsed in tears. At any rate, Lady Ballymere seemed unable to face the memory of those days. Her restless hands clasped tightly in her lap.

“S
ir James
’
s death was a judgment on him, I daresay,
”
she said hurriedly.
“T
o pass so suddenly, almost as if struck by the very hand of God
—
well! People whispered at the time that it was a judgment on hi
m. His reputation, I think, was
... unsavory. I liked him less and less, the more I saw of him. But indeed, child, I did not know the whole.
”

“M
ama, you
should
have known.
”
Cynthia
took another deep breath, bracing herself to say what she must say. It was so hard, to criticize her mother!
“Y
ou should have made it your business to know. You should have inquired on my behalf. Or you should have had Papa do so. Did you not know that Sir James made an offer for one of the Laxton girls, only a few years before we met him? And that she
ran away
to escape him?
”

“T
hat was only a rumor,
”
said Lady Ballymere defensively.
“I
thought it untrue. He paid court to her, to be sure, but she married Lord Mablethorpe directly afterward, and everyone said it was a love match
—”

“B
ut you knew the rumor?
”
Cynthia
exclaimed.
“Y
ou had heard it? Why, oh why, did you not investigate?
”

“T
hat will do,
”
said Lady Ballymere sharply.
“
Cynthia
, you forget yourself. I have always had your best interests at heart. Sir James made a very handsome, very flattering, offer. His terms exceeded everything even contemplated, let alone proffered, by your other suitors. We were not in a position to turn down such a generous offer. Although,
”
she added hastily,
“
you may rest assured that we would have protected you somehow, had his behavior passed the bounds of decency.
”

Cynthia
gazed bleakly at her mother.
“Y
ou would have done nothing. Once the knot was tied, you would have had no power to help me.
”
She lowered her eyes to her lap, afraid of displaying her rising anger.
“Y
ou cared more for Sir James
’
s thirty thousand pounds than you cared for me.
”

“R
ubbish. And, besides, he had a great deal more than thirty thousand pounds,
”
said Lady Ballymere with asperity.
“Y
ou would have been an exceedingly rich woman. Thirty thousand is merely what he agreed to pay in marriage settlements. Not, of course, that any amount of money would have compensated us, had he mistreated you. But he did not mistreat you.
”

“O
nly because he did not, after all, marry me.
”

“B
ut he did
not
marry you,
”
snapped Lady Ballymere.
“T
his is a fruitless discussion. You are bemoaning a fate that did not befall you.
”

Cynthia
gave a strangled little laugh.
“T
hat
’
s true,
”
she admitted.
“W
hat a pity that Sir James did not live to see our wedding day. Forgive me if I cannot extend the wish
past
that date, but had he survived the ceremony you would have had your thirty thousand. And I would have been free of all your expectations.
”

Lady Ballymere gasped aloud.
“
Cynthia
!
You
forget yourself
.
”

“I’
m sorry, Mama.
”
She bit her lip, as surprised by her outburst as her mother had been. It
was
unlike her, to express herself sarcastically.
“I
do not mean to sound ungrateful or
—
or unfilial.
”

“I
should hope not.
”
Lady Ballymere fidgeted with the cuff of her dressing gown.
“A
nd you must not think we are ungrateful to
you
, by the way,
”
she added grudgingly.
“I
t would have been a sacrifice, I know, for you to have married Sir James. Under the circumstances, I am glad you were spared. And although we had received only the first third of what he had promised, ten thousand pounds is still a considerable sum. Do not think us unappreciative.
”

“T
hank you, Mama,
”
said
Cynthia
hollowly.

Lady Ballymere
’
s voice softened.
“B
ut we
—
all of us
—
must sacrifice in the name of duty, dear child. It
’
s a hard world, I
’
m afraid. And hardest on females.
”

“Y
es. I know. That is the way of the world.
”
But why?
She longed to ask, but knew there would be little point. Her mother would think she was complaining, and a well brought-up female did not grumble. So she gave her mother a strained smile and kept the rest of her questions to herself.

Lady Ballymere beamed affectionately at her daughter.
“I
do not think it unreasonable, my love, for you to prefer a husband who will treat you well. I am glad we have found a younger, kinder man for you this time.
”

She meant John Ellsworth. Something like panic shot through
Cynthia
. She plucked at the edge of the coverlet, trying to organize her jumbled thoughts.
“M
ama,
”
she said hesitantly,
“
would it be so very dreadful if I did not marry Mr. Ellsworth? He may not offer for me, you know.
”

Agitation propelled Lady Ballymere from her chair. She bounded to her feet with an agonized exclamation.
“
Cynthia
, do not say so! Do not even
think
it. You must make more of an effort, my love.
”
She began pacing, her dressing gown swirling around her.
“M
r. Ellsworth is very young. Young men require encouragement. Your standoffishness may work very well with older men, men who have found their way in the world. Older men appreciate a challenge. But you cannot keep a man like Mr. Ellsworth at a distance and expect to win his affections.
”

“I
do not wish to win his affections.
”

The statement came from her heart; it passed her lips before she realized she had said it. The words stopped her mother in her tracks. Lady Ballymere turned and stared at
Cynthia
, apparently thunderstruck.

Cynthia
hurried into speech, afraid her courage would desert her if she delayed.
“I
am sorry, Mama,
”
she said quickly,
“
but I think your plan will not work. Pray do not blame me! I learned last night that Hannah loves Mr. Ellsworth.
”

Dismay flitted across Lady Ballymere
’
s features.
“G
ood heavens.
”
Her mouth worked soundlessly for a moment.
“G
ood heavens,
”
she repeated faintly.
“D
oes he return her regard? I have seen no sign of it.
”

“I
do not know. But
—”

“O
h, I am sure he cannot. It is impossible. He cannot love her.
”
She returned to her pacing, obviously thinking hard.
“A
nd you are so beautiful, my dear, and so much more experienced than Hannah in attracting men. Whatever he may feel for her at the moment, I am confident you will have no difficulty in luring him from her side. So we need not worry overmuch, even if he does feel a slight
tendre
for poor Hannah.
”