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I thought I had been pretty clever to escape two more hours with him and went on to relish my rare evening alone, doing whatever I wanted on my own time. After working long, long days on the
Donny & Marie
show, just having an evening to myself was wonderful. When Merrill got home later, he knocked on my bedroom door. I could tell that my Oscar-worthy portrayal of “teen girl with bad headache” had not fooled him. I’ll never forget him saying, “Your behavior was so disappointing to me. That poor kid. I know he went home feeling terrible about himself. He was really nervous to be around you, and then you wouldn’t even stay through the one date he had with you. Bad form, my sister. Do you want guys to say that you’re a girl who will stand them up on a date? Don’t ever do that again.” Suddenly my two hours of free time felt more like a punishment—not from Merrill, but from the truth in his
words. I had only paid attention to my own discomfort and not what that boy might have been experiencing. I couldn’t escape knowing that I had been selfish to abandon the date.

A couple of days later, I went on a double date with Jay and a girl that he liked and another boy I had never met before. I could tell after the first half hour that I wasn’t attracted to this boy, either, but Merrill’s words were still playing loudly in my mind. So I decided that I would put some extra effort into being more thoughtful toward this kid. We sat in the backseat as Jay drove us all to get something to eat. As the evening went along, I took the time to ask the boy all about his life, his dreams, and his goals. We talked about music and sports and good movies. I even tried to find some common interests. I knew I wouldn’t want to go out with him again, but I had a better appreciation for who he was as a person and the effort it took him to ask me out for the evening. My lesson was learned. It was as my mother had described to me. Dating was about asking questions and using the time to find out who is a good match for you and what qualities you would look for in an eventual life partner. Having a safe way to spend a noncommittal evening was the best way to do this, and so I learned to appreciate my parents’ insistence that we double-date until age eighteen.

Of course, this didn’t guarantee that the boys I didn’t feel interested enough in to see again wouldn’t call for a second date. Once again, I learned from my brothers that the way you said no was just as important as being nice on a date. Boys talk to one another about their experiences, too. I know this because
I listened to many of my brothers’ conversations with their guy friends after they had double-dated. Hearing them talk about the girls they had gone out with was very enlightening when I was younger. It helped me to understand their perspectives and what qualities men look for in a girl.

There are times when it can be a relief for a teenager to have an adult step in and rescue a situation. For a short while, there was a young guy who would repeatedly call to ask me out. I didn’t want to see him again, but he didn’t seem to comprehend my repeated “I’m busy” answer as a gentle letdown and a hint to give up the pursuit. He continued to call almost every day. One day my mother’s frustration at answering the phone yet again made her say to me, with a voice loud enough for him to hear: “Oh, just tell him you can’t—your mom said you had to wash your hair!” He never called back!

It wasn’t often, but as a girl I really appreciated that my mother would, at times, take the heat for the no I wanted to give when a boy would ask me out. It gave me the freedom to follow my heart without hurting anyone’s feelings. I’ve done the same for my children, especially once they get to the age where they are dating. Even though it’s different now—no one ever calls “the house” anymore!—I tell my children to use me as an excuse anytime they feel any discomfort. They have been given my permission to say to anyone, “My mom said no” or “My mother told me that I need to come home now” or “My mother made other plans for the family, and I have to be there.” They aren’t untruths as far as I’m concerned, because if I sensed any one of my kids felt “stuck” in a social situation they didn’t want to be in,
I would tell them that I want them to come home immediately. With their flair for the dramatic, a couple of my older kids have been heard saying, “I can’t. My mother would ground me for life and then permanently disfigure me.” Thanks so much for the great reputation!

Daughters, especially, need a cushion from unwanted attention, without having to be labeled in any way. My two older daughters always told me that I had a sixth sense about it during their teen years. They said that the moment they were being invited to do something questionable, their cell phones would ring and it would be me checking in on them. Jessica told me that it creeped her out how I always rang her number right at that decision-making moment. I had no way of knowing what was going on. I was just following my mother’s intuition. It’s like a muscle, you know: The more you listen, the stronger it gets. (My mom was Mrs. Universe!)

I think my kids’ friends feel, for the most part, that I’m a “fun” mom, because I will laugh and have a good time when they are over to the house. I’ve even been known to instigate an outing to “TP” the house of a schoolmate; I’ve mentored them on how a good double roll will have enough weight to fly high over the treetops. (I really should be careful what I write!) However, when it comes to some things, I set very strict boundaries. I’ve learned to live with being the “unfair” mom, too. When my first four were going through their teen years, I insisted on no sleepovers, ever. Many parents seemed to be fine with the trend of having large coed sleepovers, because as one parent told me, it was “better for us to know where they are.”
I could never get on board with that and wouldn’t allow my kids to attend, despite some begging and protesting that I was the “only” parent who said no.

Isn’t it hard enough to keep an eye on your own teenagers without having to be responsible for ten more kids for twelve hours straight? I also felt I had been given a warning about the possible consequences of coed sleepovers from a young intern who worked on the
Donny & Marie
talk show in 2000. He told me about his high school years and how his parents allowed him to host a big coed sleepover at his house. Even though his parents were both home, in the kitchen fixing food for the gang, one of the girls, upset over being ignored by a boy at the sleepover, got into the medicine cabinet of the parents’ bedroom and overdosed on prescription painkillers that the father had for a back injury. The girl fell unconscious, was rushed to the hospital, went into a coma, but eventually recovered. The parents ended up having to handle a lawsuit that lasted for years. I know this is up there in the “worst-case-scenario” category, but I always pay attention to these types of things because I feel that I’m hearing them for a reason. I was told about this incident right as my oldest son and daughter were heading to high school and junior high.

I like mine being the home where my children’s friends feel welcome, but it has its limits in their dating years. I think there can be drawbacks to letting teenagers “hang out” together at the house for hours on end, especially if it’s a dating situation. Everything becomes too personalized, and both the child and the family lose a sense of privacy. I want my daughters and
sons to feel that dating is a special occasion, a fun event. Teenagers’ bodies are already raging with hormones, and that’s enough to create an unstable situation, physically and emotionally. Having a boy or girl they are interested in “hang” or “chill” and play video games for hours on end in your family room does not teach your children how to build a relationship that has a chance of lasting. As parents, we know that outside of our homes, they are still teenagers, and they don’t always make the wisest choices. A lot can happen in a short amount of time. We all have heartache when we see a child get hurt by a poor choice when it comes to dating. That’s why I want my own boys to have a moral respect and appreciation for females, and I want my girls to feel that they are special and to know that their self-respect will determine how they will be treated by males. I know it’s an old-fashioned perspective, but when I look at the fact that one in four adults ends up living alone, I have to wonder if it isn’t a result of the casual disregard that is now prevalent when it comes to dating.

One night after the show, I was talking to a young mother whose daughter was entering the seventh grade that fall. She was concerned about how to protect her daughter’s maturity process and to make sure she wasn’t confronted with peer pressure in a sexual way that was way beyond her years. She had found this quote on the Internet and shared it with me. The author is unknown, but the wisdom in it is universal:

“We need to teach our daughters the difference between a man who
flatters
her and a man who
compliments
her; a man who
spends money
on her and a man who
invests
in her; a man
who views her as
property
and a man who views her
properly
; a man who
lusts
after her and a man who
loves
her; a man who believes
he
is God’s gift to women and a man who remembers a
woman
was God’s gift to man. And then teach
our sons
to be that kind of man.”

When my husband, Steve, came back into my life, we wanted to make sure we took the time to date again. He would ring the doorbell, take me out to dinner and a show, and walk me to the door after our date. I loved it. It made me feel appreciated and honored. It also gave the two of us a structure in which we could talk and enjoy each other’s company without any pressure. I’m so grateful that my two younger boys will now have Steve to go to for advice as they move through their teen years.

When each of my boys got to be about eight years old, I would have a once-a-month date night with him. I would have him put on dress pants, a nice shirt, and maybe even a tie, and we would go to a nice restaurant. Then I would teach him to open the car door and the restaurant door and pull out a chair for me; every step of etiquette that my father taught to my brothers, I would teach to my son, from which utensil to use, to folding the napkin, to how to make polite conversation and then listen without interrupting.

When I was on my last book tour, I did an interview with Juju Chang, an anchor and correspondent with
ABC News
and
Nightline
. I told her about my mother-son dates, and as the mom of three little boys, she thought it was a great idea. The next week, she did a video blog about taking her oldest son to a restaurant and got all kinds of positive response.

For me, my father demonstrated how a man should treat a woman of any age; I not only observed how he treated my mother, but how he treated me as a young girl. His appreciation for my mother showed every day in his actions. As I grew up, I thought all men behaved toward women the way my father and brothers did. This is unfortunately not true. I found out the hard way for myself. I would like to think that I could spare my children that costly lesson, but I know it isn’t always possible, especially if we don’t think we deserve it or it require for ourselves.

To be a human being is to love and to want to connect with others. There are thousands of reasons the adage “love is blind” is so widely known. Many of us have, at least once, been blind in our attraction to someone we thought we knew really well, and ended up finding out that we didn’t know them well at all. I think my mother’s extremely wise insights about the drawbacks of engaging in physical intimacy before emotional intimacy were solid and true.

It’s unfortunate that the word “prude” has such a negative connotation, when after all it comes from the word “prudent,” meaning “having good judgment.” Being prudent says that you act in a way that shows care for others, for yourself, and for the future.

Of course, the definition of “good judgment” seems to be changing rapidly, even in our school systems. Recently one of my neighbors told me her high-school-aged son came home to tell her that in his sex-ed class, oral sex using a condom is defined as “safe” sex because pregnancy can’t occur. Where are
we going, as a society, when sex is referred to as being “safe” or “unsafe,” instead of being linked with a relationship of love? How can we expect our children to treat themselves and others respectfully when the only question of intimacy is, “Is this safe or not?”

When I was a young woman and we were out on tour, my mother would go with me to the movies. One of the movies we saw was rated GP (the equivalent of PG today) but contained a scene of an obvious one-night stand. Afterward, she remarked, “If the movies treat sexual relations so lightly now, it will only be a matter of time before it is shown on television.” She was right. Even today’s sitcoms shown during family viewer hours have scenes in which young, unmarried characters are shown in bed together. Why wouldn’t this generation of preadolescent kids think that this is a completely acceptable thing to expect in their relationships, even the most casual of relationships? My mother, in her later years, after observing much of this, said the psychological ramifications that occur when there is sex without any commitment, deep intimacy, or connection will destroy a person’s self-worth and lead to feelings of being used or objectified.

When you look at the history of societies, being sexually prudent isn’t just a moral code of conduct that started with one particular faith. It is life advice passed down through many cultures and religious beliefs. I, personally, was taught that the Ten Commandments were the greatest psychological safety net we would do well to study. Why did God give these commandments? There are long-term ramifications for mental and physical well-being
that we all eventually regret if we ignore morals. Many religious texts, honored through time, advise the reader about the negative consequences of physical intimacy just for the sake of physical intimacy. I was fascinated to read that the Kabbalah, ancient Jewish teachings for spiritual growth, holds that there is no such thing as a “one-night stand” when it comes to the effect it has on your soul. What a person might consider a casual sexual encounter may be quickly pushed out of one’s thoughts, but it is remembered by the soul. The Kabbalah even suggests that being sexually intimate in a casual manner stays in your energy field or aura for three to seven years.