Babyhood (9780062098788) (20 page)

“Honey,” she said, “could you get his jacket? I think it's in the canvas bag”—which I had just finished cramming into the overhead compartment, behind the impossible-to-collapse stroller, two puffy down jackets, and our four-hundred-pound diaper bag.

I hoisted myself up, gathering a lap full of stuffed animals and assorted containers of half-chewed oranges, gummed bananas, and sampled-but-rejected soggy crackers and dumped them on my seat. Yanking open the compartment, I was hit in the eye with a rubber duck. As I swatted him away, I noticed—directly across the aisle—a young couple who'd been watching the whole show.

“How are ya?” I mumbled politely, knowing full well what they were thinking.

“Our lives are
sooo
wonderful and simple and carefree, and we're so much happier than you poor slobs with your baby.” That's what they were thinking—I just knew it. But I was on to them.

“Have any kids yourself?” I asked, like I didn't already know.

“No,” the guy said, “but we're thinking about it.”

A
short while later, somewhere over the Great Lakes, I imagine, I had my son in my lap and was reading him one of his favorite books. When you're very young, by the way, your favorite book isn't necessarily the one with the best story or even the prettiest pictures. It's the one whose pages taste best. The book that goes easy on your gums is a great read.

“I enjoy Faulkner's storytelling, but his novellas tend to cut me in the roof of the mouth. Dickens, on the other hand, soft and nice.”

As I read my boy his book, and he chewed on the chewiest chapters, I noticed the couple looking at me, but now a little less condescendingly.

“He's a beautiful boy,” the guy said.

“Oh, thanks,” I acknowledged politely.

“Is this your first child?”

“Yup . . . first one . . .”

My son, who must have sensed that he was not only the object of discussion but also the floor model for this couple on the brink of their big decision, took the book out of his mouth and offered it to them, while smiling one of his hard-to-argue-with killer smiles.

They both melted. The woman reached over to caress my son's cheek.

“I could eat you up with a big spoon,” she cooed.

“What's it like?” the guy asked.

“What's
what
like?” I said, making him work for it a little.

“Kids. Having kids. Is it good? I mean, we want to have kids, but everybody says it changes your whole life and everything. So, I was just wondering if it's really true. If, y'know, . . . is it good?”

Having been there myself, I knew how vulnerable they were. I could make 'em or break 'em. I turned to my wife.

“What do you think, honey?”

“About what?”

“These nice people are thinking about having a baby.”

“Oh,” she said. “Good for you guys.”

Then turning back to me, she said, “Well, that's a darn good question. What do you think we should tell them?”

We looked at each other and smiled. What should we tell them? Should we tell them it's the hardest and scariest thing any sane people could ever do? Do we let them know that having a child drains you, depletes you, exhausts you, and frustrates you until you end up hiding in your car whimpering like a puppy?

How can you explain that having a child drives you as far apart as you've ever been, yet it draws you together more deeply and magically than ever before—all at the same time?

That after you've both spent an aggravating, mind-numbing hour-and-a-half rocking, walking, patting,
begging
your child to sleep, there's nothing you'd rather do than spend the next hour and a half together, watching this angel sleep.

How can you explain that in the midst of a cranky discussion over who's not “being supportive” of whom, you notice how adorably and hilariously your child is eating a bowl of spaghetti, and suddenly all the things you fret about just don't matter?

You can't.

I turned to the couple and said, “Yeah, it's good. You'll see.”

They nodded and drifted into their own conversation.

I held my boy's face in my hands and planted a juicy kiss on his cheek. I leaned over and kissed my wife, too.

“What did we do before we had this boy?” I asked.

“
That
. . . ,” she said, smiling at the other couple.

I couldn't believe how a handful of months could obliterate everything that had come before.

“But now we're
this
,” she said.

Our son sat in his mother's lap, one hand wrapped around her fingers, one hand on my nose.

“You know what?” I said. “I like this better.”

Acknowledgments

A
huge thank you to my friend Brad “Zippy” Kesden, whose smart, funny brains and invaluable input helped me make this book a lot better than I was planning to.

Also to my Assistant with a Capital “A,” Meredith Kadlec, for making sure I never accidentally deleted the whole thing.

Big thanks to Arthur “Don't Worry, You Can Take as Long as You Want” Spivak.

And to the incomparable Rob “But I Need It Now” Weisbach for his unwavering confidence and support.

Thanks to Michael James for keeping those sandwiches coming.

Thanks also to Marc Jaffe.

And, of course, Paula and the Prince.

About the Author

A seasoned actor, writer, and stand-up comedian, PAUL REISER has appeared in many films and television shows, including cocreating and starring in the critically acclaimed NBC series
Mad About You
. He is the author of the
New York Times
bestsellers
Couplehood
,
Babyhood
, and most recently
Familyhood
. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and two kids.

VISIT WWW.AUTHORTRACKER.COM FOR EXCLUSIVE UPDATES ON YOUR FAVORITE AUTHORS.

Other Works

Also by Paul Reiser

Familyhood

Couplehood

Credits

COVER DESIGN BY FEEZA MUMTAZ

Copyright

A hardcover edition of this book was published in 1997 by Rob Weisbach Books, an imprint of William Morrow and Company, Inc.

B
ABYHOOD
Copyright © 1997 by Paul Reiser. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks.

First Avon Books paperback published 1998.
First It Books paperback 2012.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-0-06-209877-1

Epub Edition © MAY 2012 ISBN: 978-0-06-209878-8

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