Back to Reality (10 page)

“Obviously, my intent wasn’t to
ruin anything. I thought it was the best thing for you, Emanuel,” I said through clenched teeth.
He’s not the only one who is irritated,
I thought as I watched the sexy way his arms bulged as he crossed and uncrossed his arms irritably.

“Yet here we are
! Again,” Emanuel yelled into the quiet night, throwing his hands up in frustration. Lowering his voice, he sighed, “I can’t do this again.” He rubbed his hand over his face.

I flinched, not expecting his outburst
or his resignation. My heart stopped for a second before it resumed beating at an accelerated rate. 
Wait what? What can’t he do again?
I thought in a panic. The frustration and irritation I was feeling diminished into a hollow pit inside me as I replayed his last words to me.  It hurt to have him upset with me, but it killed me to hear that he was ready to give up on us.  I was only somewhat surprised by my emotional reaction to his words. 
I’m in love with him so of course I’m going to be bothered by his words.  But if just the thought of losing him is breaking me, is letting him go really the best thing for me to do? No, what am I saying? Of course it’s the best things for me to do. He’s better off without me. Look at what I’ve done to him. He won’t forgive me if something happens again so I might as well…I can’t even think it. How am I supposed to walk away from what I feel for Emanuel and I can’t even think the words? I have to be strong. If I have a chance of making up with Emanuel now, I have to take it. I’m sure something will happen to ruin things between us and it’ll be the most devastating loss outside of losing my parents,
I considered suddenly, my chest aching in response to the thought. 
If my failed attempt to make amends with Ty taught me anything, it’s that apologies don’t always go as planned.

Instead
of communicating my feelings to him as we stared at one another, I felt my defenses starting to come up. Before I could think through my next thought, the words were out of my mouth. “If you feel for me, what I feel for you, why did it take you ten years to do something about it?!” I yelled as my heart pounded in my chest.

“What?” he asked
in a disconcerted rush of air. The shock on his face was evident.

Lowering my voice, I repeated, “Why did it take you ten years Emanuel?”

“Like I told you before, I woke up from a coma and you were gone. What was I supposed to think Sahara? What was I supposed to do? You were gone and left no forwarding address, no phone number, nothing! You chose to leave. That’s why I didn’t go after you. You made a choice.”

My eyes blurred with tea
rs and my breathing became labored. “And then you made the choice to marry Ashlyn.” My voice sounded foreign as I choked on tears and hypocrisy.
Dr. Summers would be proud,
I thought sarcastically as soon as the statement was out of my mouth.
What am I doing? I’m supposed to be taking responsibility for what I did and instead, I’m calling him out on stuff he already apologized for. So… I guess I’m not over him being engaged. But this isn’t the time or the place. I have to get it together. This conversation has taken a turn for the worst. I’m supposed to be trying to make amends, not make things worse. But God, he was going to marry Ashlyn?! I just…I can’t wrap my mind around it,
I thought as a whimper escaped my lips at the thought of Emanuel engaged to Ashlyn.

“We were both in relationships Sahara! Don’t turn this around on me. Don’t do that.
”

“You’re right.
We were.  But marriage Emanuel? I need to know. I need to hear it from you. I need to hear it again,” I replied, my voice changed due to the tears choking me. 

“You want specifics. Fine,” Emanuel growled before he launched into the history of his relationship with Ashlyn. 

He met Ashlyn at a bar after a gig and he asked her out.  Things started out casually and one day, when Mrs. Mills questioned him about settling down, he said he was dating Ashlyn exclusively. And then he realized it was true.  At the two year mark, Ashlyn started hounding him about an engagement and she gave him an ultimatum.  When nothing happened, she amended her ultimatum and purchased a ring. From that point forward, she started claiming they were engaged and he just went with it.

I listened intently as he spoke, trying to keep my emotions in check.  With each sentence that erupted from him, my heart and my spirit broke a little more.  I was barely holding it together when he finally
told me about their breakup and how he cut off all contact with her. Apparently, she accepted it until a couple of days ago when she started trying to contact him again. 

He concluded, “
I broke things off with Ashlyn because it was the best thing to do for all of us.  She’s been calling a lot recently, but eventually she’ll realize why this was the best thing for her too.”

Emanuel lowered his voice and looked at me in disbelief. “
I love you. I’ve always loved you. And the only reason I left Richland without you was because the timing seemed wrong and I didn’t want to push you. I thought it would be a real asshole move if I made you choose while he was in the hospital.” He shook his head before he whispered, “But I didn’t expect you to choose him. I can’t shake what I feel for you and I know you feel the same way. So I didn’t expect you to choose him. And that’s on me. I—”

“I didn’t run off with him,” I
interjected as I wiped the tears off of my face with my gloved hand.  Loudly exhaling past the lump in my throat, I was able to prevent the next set of tears from falling.

“What?”
Emanuel’s well-developed chest heaved as I heard his breathing intensify.

I
cleared my throat so I didn’t sound as hoarse and stammered, “I—I didn’t run off with him. I left because I thought it would be better for both of you.”

I told him about everything that happened when I went to Thomasville last weekend, including how I mailed an apology letter. I could tell it was hard for him to hear, but he listened.  I’m sure the look he had on his face when I was telling him
what happened with Tyree was the same look I wore during his telling of his relationship with Ashlyn. 

             
Emanuel took another step back. He ran both hands through his thick hair as he stood on the walkway staring at me. “What are you doing to me?” He said it more to himself than to me.  Then he abruptly turned and walked down the driveway, triggering the motion lights to cut on.  His hands rested on the top of his head as I watched his retreating frame.  I initially thought he was pacing until he walked to the edge of Emily’s property.  He paused for a moment and I stood up.  By the time I made it down the steps, he turned right and started down the street. 

             
I ran after him.  He was at Emily’s neighbor’s mailbox when I grabbed his arm.  He shrugged me off and continued to walk.

             
“Emanuel, stop!” I called out to him, but I didn’t want to scream to disrupt the quiet neighborhood.

             
Emanuel spun around and stalked over to me.  With only a few inches separating us, I had to look up to maintain eye contact. Again, with him being so close, I was inundated with his smell, his heat, his proximity.
Breathe, breathe, breathe,
I repeated to myself as I lost myself in his eyes. 

             
“Say it,” Emanuel’s voice was hoarse as he shook his head solemnly.

             
Feeling conflicted about confessing my feelings, I started, “I—”

             
“Sahara!” Emily screamed from the open front door. 

I
jumped at the sudden interruption.  Turning to look back at Emily’s house, I shouted back, “I’m here. I’m fine!”

             
“Who is—Manny is that you?” Emily asked.  The light from inside the house illuminated the porch as she stepped out of the house in sweatpants and a tank top, rubbing her arms.  It was only then that I noticed that the temperature had dropped.

             
“Yeah, it’s me,” Emanuel called back. He pointed down the street. “I’m just heading home. I’ll see you tomorrow sis.”

             
I looked over my shoulder and saw the red car pulling up. 
I don’t have much time. I have to say it,
I thought silently as I nervously wiped the corners of my eyes.  I faced Emanuel and I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. 
I’m scared. No, I’m terrified,
I realized.
Is that why I’m pushing him away?

             
Again, I opened my mouth and then closed it. The moment for me to finally say to him what I’ve wanted to say came and went.  I’ve loved him for the vast majority of my life and for whatever reason I could not get the words out. I choked.

Em
anuel gave me a sidelong glance and shook his head before he said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t do anything but watch as he walked toward the moving car.  When the car slowed
to a stop beside him, he opened the backdoor of the four door sedan.

“Emanuel,” I uttered with fresh tears in my eyes. 

Closing the door, he looked at me one more time. The hurt in his face broke me down and I tried to prevent the tears from falling. 
I don’t want to do this in front of Quentin and Tisha…I don’t even know them! But it’s either now or never,
I thought as I squared my shoulders and walked over to him.

Tentatively,
I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest.  I felt his heart pounding through the soft material of his shirt.  Our bodies instinctively melded into one another.  He hesitated before he wrapped his arms around me.  Feeling his fingers stroke my bare back was all it took for the tears and the words to pour out of me.

“
I’m sorry. Emanuel I’m sorry. I’m sorry I keep pushing you away. I’m sorry I keep running. I’m sorry for everything. Please forgive me. Please,” I wept softly into his shirt.

He was quiet for a moment before he gently cleared his throat.
“Then say it,” he whispered against the top of my head.

I looked up at him and admitted
softly, “I’m afraid.” Another round of tears fell as the admission left my lips.

Keeping one hand against the small of my back, he lifted hi
s other hand and wiped the tears from my cheeks.  “Don’t be.”

“I just… I…” I faltered. 
My emotions were all over the place and my heart hurt. 
Looking into his eyes hurts, but I can’t look away. I could stare into his eyes forever. And that’s what scares me,
I thought as felt the beginnings of a panic attack.

Emanuel wrapped his hands around my neck, holding my head steady with his thumbs.  His grey eyes burned into mine, pleading with me as he put his forehead against mine. He
sighed before he said, “Breathe. Just breathe.”

Sucking in air sharply, I stared into his eyes and concentrated on breathing. It only took about a minute to get myself under control, but it felt like an eternity. 

Emanuel looked at me sadly and then slowly released me from his grasp. “I’ll see you tomorrow Sahara.”

Chapter 12
  

             
“What was that?” Emily asked as she handed me a cup of tea.  She sat down next to me on the couch.  With her leg tucked underneath her, she turned her body to face me, giving me her undivided attention. 

             
Dropping my head back, I slouched down in the couch and sighed. “That was…a hot mess,” I groaned as I covered my face with my hands. With my eyes closed, I informed Emily of the conversation that just took place.

             
“What I think is weird is that he told me a couple of days ago that he was going to bring the portable projector to the studio…on Saturday.” She emphasized the word Saturday. “Yet he brought the projector that he’s going to have to hook up on Saturday to me tonight…after his show…the night you are here. You don’t think that’s weird?”

             
Exhaling a long, hard breath, I shook my head and closed my eyes. “I don’t know Em. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. ”

             
We were both quiet for a minute; the light tapping of my foot against the floor was the only sound.  My phone vibrated loudly inside my clutch, shattering the silence. I sat up and pulled out my phone.
Maybe it’s Emanuel,
I thought hopefully.                

Ben Sullivan: My phone died yesterday. You made it?

              I sighed as I read the text.  The disappointment of it not being Emanuel was only matched by the regret of how my attempt at making amends and apologizing went.  I rubbed my temples in tiny circles. Between the emotional altercation with Emanuel and the lack of sleep, I felt the throb of my headache all over.  The throbbing pain was stretched from temple to temple, yet the epicenter of the pain was in my chest. My heart hurt.

Sahara Lee: Yes.
Thanks. Going to bed soon. Call you tomorrow.

“Was that Manny?” Emily asked, sipping her tea. “And drink your tea, it’s probably cold.”

“No, it was Ben,” I said as I picked up my teacup and sipped the
lukewarm beverage.  I made a face and Emily giggled. 
I don’t know why she is always experimenting with different teas. It’s gross,
I thought as I took another sip.

“Okay what
’s up with you and Ben?”

I put the cup down and looked at her seriously. “
Nothing. We are friends. Just friends.”

“
Mmm hmm…” She looked at me through squinted eyes and pursed her lips. “Let’s say I believe you… you told me you didn’t have any friends and never made any friends and now all of a sudden, you’re hanging out with this guy every other night. I don’t understand.”

“I don’t understand either.
Ordinarily, I don’t just befriend people. But it’s like I didn’t realize how lonely I was in Bakersfield until after therapy and he was there.  Literally, he was there on the steps waiting for me. And no matter how much attitude I gave him, he gave it right back and it was…refreshing. Usually people are put off by my standoffish demeanor, but he wasn’t bothered by it.  I don’t tell him much and he’s okay with it.  Sometimes I just want to have someone to have dinner with me and he’s okay with it.  Sometimes I want to sit with someone in silence while having dinner and he’s okay with it. You know me. This isn’t my norm.”

Emily gave me a look and I knew exactly what she was thinking. 
With a smile playing on my lips, I responded, “No seriously, this isn’t my norm! Things moved fast with Ty but that’s because we had crazy chemistry and we both lived in Libby Lofts. On the same floor.”

Emily broke in with a laugh, “In the same loft! You guys were living together in like two days.
I mean, seriously. From the way you described it, the whole thing was very new-school Hollywood.”

I laughed
and nodded, “Yes, but in my defense…you’ve seen him right?”

Emily and I fell into a fit of laughter.  I laughed so hard tears prickled my eyes.  When they started to fa
ll, a ragged breath burst out of me and I began to cry.  Emily quickly hugged me and rocked me back and forth.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve known it was too soon to joke ab
out it. I know how much you care about Ty and it still hurts. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made light of the situation,” Emily stated remorsefully.

“
Oh no, it’s not that. I mean, that’s part of the reason. Ty and I were in love and we fell hard and fast. Now, he hates me and he didn’t even respond to my letter. It’s been a week and he hasn’t responded. And that hurts.” I pulled away from our hug and wiped my face.  “But this thing with Emanuel will kill me. It will kill me,” I whispered. 

“I don’t even know what to say about you and Manny,” Emily
said with a shake of the head.

“Me either. I just know that I’ve spent ten years thinking that he hates me and after finding out that he doesn’t, I don’t want to live the rest of my life with him hat
ing me because I got scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

I don’t know how to explain it. All of my reasons seem cowardly and depressing and insecure
, I thought sorrowfully.  I was quiet for a minute before I answered, “I haven’t gotten that far in therapy.”

Emily gave me a sad smile and pulled me into a hug again. “You want to talk some more or do you want to get some rest?”

“Let’s go to bed.” I smiled warmly at her. “You have a big day tomorrow.”

After the long, hot shower and the sleeping pill, I was ready for sleep when I crawled into the guest bed. 
This last week has been one pitfall after another. Starting with my failed apology to Ty up until today with my failed apology to Emanuel, I’ve managed to make things worse.  But tomorrow is a new day. I just need some sleep and then I can really plan out what I’m going to say to Emanuel. I was caught off guard tonight. Tomorrow will be better,
I prayed as I pulled the comforter over my head. Sinking into the mattress, I felt the pill taking over and I drifted to sleep easily.

“Sahara? Sahara, wake up,” Emily called gently.

I pointed my toes as I stretched in the bed. Grumbling, “What time is it?”

“It’s almost 9am.” I felt the bed dip as she sat down.

Twisting to face her, I cracked my eyes open slightly. “Oh no, did I oversleep? Do we need to go?” I tried to open my eyes more, but they felt swollen.

“I came in to check on you and you were
crying,” Emily said softly.

“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say.
Gently rubbing my puffy eyes, I sat up in bed with my back against the pillows.

“Are you okay? You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Did something more happen last night with Manny?

“I’m okay. Or at least I will be once I get this whole thing settled with Emanuel.” My smile didn’t reach my eyes, but I made an honest attempt. “Anyway, I’m really excited about tonight. So can you please tell me about the surprise?” I clasped my hands together dramatically and playfully pleaded with her.

Emily’s eyes lit up excitedly, “Well since you
asked so nicely! We will watch the dancers’ performance downstairs in the auditorium and then upstairs in the studio, each of the rooms will have a different theme and will have a different surprise!”

My spirits were genuinely lifted listening to Emily and I couldn’t help the huge smile
that was plastered on my face.  “That sounds awesome! I’m really proud of you Emily. Thank you for allowing me to be here for this.”

Emily’s eyes watered as she smiled. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Although Emily claimed there was a lot to be done to prepare for her opening, she had properly planned everything. There wasn’t much to do, but she did want us to follow up on everything.  So after breakfast and an hour long workout, we spent the rest of the early afternoon on the living room floor making calls.  We made phone calls to the caterer, the decorator, and a few other vendors.  We followed up with the dancers and she left the room when she went into detail about the surprise.  The day flew by and I was too caught up in Emily’s excitement to think too long and hard about anything else. Until the moment I walked out of the bathroom from my shower.

“Manny came by,” Emily
announced as soon as I walked through the guest bedroom door. 

Still wet and wrapped in my towel, I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her uneasily
. I let out a rush of air and waited.
Did he decide that he wasn’t going to the opening because I’m going to be there? Did he leave a note telling me that he wasn’t doing this anymore? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 inhale. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 exhale,
I anxiously thought as I tried to calmed myself down.

Emily bit her nail and stared at me worriedly. “Are you okay?
”

I nodded. “So what did he want?”

“He came to get the projector. He said he was going to set it up now because he may be late tonight.”

Avoiding eye contact, I attempted to nonchalantly ask, “Is that all he said?”

Emily gave me a strained smile. “I asked him about last night. He didn’t say anything, but…I don’t know.”

“Just tell me.” I gave her a blank stare and held my breath, hoping the lack of oxygen would soften the blow.

“I don’t think he’s coming tonight,” Emily mumbled quietly.

             
We were both quiet as I nodded for longer than necessary.  I noisily exhaled before I said, “We should get dressed. We have to be there soon.”

             
Emily stared at me before she pushed off of the wall. “Okay. We can talk after we get dressed.”

             
An hour later, I was standing in front of the mirror dropping eye drops in my eyes before I applied my makeup.  My hair was twisted into a curly up-do so that the black Lela Rose sheath dress showed off the intricate designs of the embroidered sheer neck and back.  The black four inch Alexander Wang pumps were understated and let the embroidery of the dress shine.  Once my eyes returned to natural white instead of crying-over-a-man pink, I applied light make up.

I practiced smiling in the mirror.
Tonight is about Emily. I will be fine. If I don’t talk to Emanuel tonight, I’ll talk to him Sunday or Monday before I leave. I will not make this night about me and Emanuel. Tonight is about Emily and all of my energy will be spent on having a good time,
I thought to myself as I slipped on my black Gucci wristlet.

“You look beautiful! I mean, absolutely beautiful
Em!” I exclaimed as soon as I came into the living room.  Emily’s olive skin looked amazing against the pink beaded halter dress. She wore her hair pinned to one side to show off the drop diamond earrings.

“Thanks,” she beamed happily. “So do you. I love the embroidery on that dress.”

“Thanks! Now let’s go before you are late to your own opening!”

We arr
ived at Emily’s dance studio at exactly 6pm. The two-story 1950s brick building fit nicely into the neighborhood in which it was housed.  The studio was tucked between an elegant Italian restaurant and a history museum.  Parking was across the street in a large circular lot in the middle of the busy area.

“This is really cute
Em!” I noted as we crossed the street toward her building.  The guests were to begin arriving at 7pm so Emily wanted to ensure everything was in place.  Walking into the building, I was transported to the past as it gave off an old Hollywood feel.  The first floor housed Emily’s office and a place for two other offices and a reception area toward the front of the space.  The crown jewel of the first floor was through two sets of double doors: a 200 person auditorium and a large stage.

“This is the where the magic happens!” Emily squealed with delight.

I laughed at her excitement. “The magic?” I joked and bumped her with my hip.

“I’m going to check on what’s going on upstairs. I need you to stay here. I don’t want anyone going upstairs until after the big debut!
Security is at the door so the only people who should come in are Mom, Dad, and Anthony.”

“Okay I’ll stay put
and I’ll be on the lookout for them,” I promised. I held up my three middle fingers and said, “Scouts Honor.”

“Your ass wasn’t ever a Scout, but a promise is a promise!” Emily turned and headed to the elevator.  I laughed in response.

Taking in the beautiful building with its heavy use of gold and red, I felt so much pride for Emily.
She really did it,
I thought with a smile.

“Sahara!” Mr. and Mrs. Mills bellowed as soon as they walked in the door. 
I whipped around and hurriedly walked toward them, giving them each a big hug as soon as I got to them.  

“It’s so good to see you both!” I grinned at each of their happy and youthful faces. 
I hope my skin looks that good when I’m in my fifties,
I thought as Mrs. Mills gushed over my dress. 

“How have you been?” Mr. Mills asked as he stared knowingly at me.

Self-consciously, I glanced away from him and to the door as it opened again. “Who’s that? Emily specifically said we were the only ones to be here at this time. I think she’s getting a little nervous,” I smiled, hoping to deflect Mr. Mills’ perceptiveness.