Back to Reality (3 page)

Turning to me in the waiting room, Dr. Ana Summers shook my hand.
“Great! So I’ll see you here next Friday at 6pm.” Handing me an appointment card, she flashed me a knowing smile before she continued, “You are going to be fine.”

I gave her a tight smile in response before I said, “Thank you.”

I opened my handbag and searched for my cell phone. Pulling it out, I walked out of the front door and stepped out onto the steps. With phone in hand, I scrolled down to look for my go-to taxi company’s number. Preoccupied with making the call, I didn’t immediately notice the figure leaning against the concrete post. The phone just started to ring when I heard my name.

“
Hello,” a man called out from his relaxed position at the bottom of the stairs.

Startled, I jumped and froze in my position at the top of the stairs.
My immediate reaction was to pull out my mace.  The emotionally charged session with Dr. Summers had erased any semblance of recognition of the man in front of me.  Clutching my phone to my chest, I took another step back before I squinted at the smiling face at the bottom of the stairs.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you
. Please accept my apologies.” When he said hello, I didn’t hear it.  But there it was—the British accent.  It carried with the breeze up the steps and I did a double take.

“Dr. Sullivan?” I asked incredulously.
Wow
, I thought as I got a better look at him.  He wore a burgundy and grey plaid oxford cloth shirt with dark denim jeans. He removed his sunglasses and smiled.  His whole face lit up.

“The one and only
. And call me Ben,” he said smoothly.

I walked down the steps slowly
. “What are you still doing here?”

“I’m here to take you to dinner,” he revealed bluntly.

Caught off guard by his confident candor, I scoffed, “What?”

He continued to
smile, seemingly undaunted by my less than enthusiastic reaction to his proposition. “I’m here to take you to dinner,” he repeated slowly as if I didn’t understand the first time.

“No. I heard what you said. I’m just confused as to why you said it.”
When I reached the bottom step, he offered me his elbow. I declined with a shake of my head. I positioned myself against the opposite concrete post.

Repositioning himself against
his post, he said, “Sahara, I decided finding out more about you was more important than my game so I went home to change and came back with every intention of taking you to dinner and showing you a wicked, good time.” He placed his hand over his heart before he added, “I promise you’ll have a good time.”

“I’ll pass,” I answered
with a pointed look.
I mean, he’s good looking and the accent is sexy and he’s charming in a brash sort of way, but I’m not interested in dating him…or anyone.

“Q
uick to dismiss, I see. I like that,” he cajoled playfully.

I narrowed
my eyes and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling.
Okay, he’s funny,
I thought as my finger hovered over the call button.

“Is that a smile?” he questioned with a satisfied
grin.  He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at me.

I turned to face him and gave him my most serious expression.
“Listen Ben... I’m not interested in going on a date with you. At all.”

“Ouch! Looks like I’ve
properly bodged that up, huh?” He chuckled without the slightest bit of embarrassment.

I stared at him in amusement
and nodded my head. “Looks like.”

“
Truly, I wasn’t asking you on a date date.  This is merely the beginning of a friendship. So our going to dinner would be, if anything, a mate date.”

Attempting to suppress a laugh
, I shook my head.  “A mate date. Funny.”

“
So you smile and you tried to hide it but I heard a little laugh. I think we’re making progress.”

Sighing, I replied, “This isn’t a good time for me to make friends.”

“Certainly,” he agreed. Pausing for effect, he continued, “But listen, you’ve already spent the last several minutes engaging in this conversation with me, so you know I’m not a dodgy individual. You may as well allow me the pleasure of buying you a drink. There’s a pub right over there and if you don’t want to get sauced, we could go to the coffeehouse right there,” he gestured to the two opposite ends of the block. “If you have a drink with me, one drink, you won’t ever have to see me again. Ever!”

Maybe it was the emotionally raw state Dr. Summers left me in.  Or maybe I just
wanted to stave off wallowing in thoughts of them.  Or maybe I wasn’t in any rush to go home and go to sleep since as soon as I fall asleep, the nightmares would begin. But I found myself shrugging before I begrudgingly said, “One drink and then I’m going home.” I walked in the direction of Java Java.

Chapter 4
    

“Hello?” I answered
groggily as I lay in my king sized bed early Saturday morning. Hitting the off button, I turned off my mounted flat screen TV. My slate grey satin sheets slid over my skin as I stretched and pointed my toes. I hadn’t been able to sleep; however, I’d been up, unmoving, for the last couple of hours.

             
“Okay, spill!” Emily screeched.

             
“Good morning to you too Em,” I laughed in response.  Since our heart to heart in Thomasville two months ago, Emily and I hadn’t gone a day without talking to each other or at the very least texting. The day I changed my number, I called her from my burner phone and swore her to secrecy.  She didn’t like it, but Emily swore she wouldn’t tell anyone, namely her brother, about my whereabouts.  The last seven weeks had been difficult on her because she didn’t like to lie to Emanuel. But I had no choice, I needed time.

             
“Yeah, yeah good morning!” she burst out dismissively. “You texted me last night and said you had your first session and had a coffee date with some hot guy and you’d tell me about it this morning. Well it’s 7 a.m. and I’m ready to talk!”

             
I laughed again and pulled myself into a seated position with my back against the headboard. “Well first of all, I did not say it was a date.  Although he is a hot guy, I didn’t say that either.”

             
“You said he was from London and had an accent, I filled in the blanks. So, really, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Her upbeat tone had a twinge of worry in it.

             
“I’m okay. Last night was…different. We talked for a couple of hours and had a cup of coffee and some scones.  Around ten, I took a taxi home. It wasn’t a date. Honestly, it seemed like he knew I needed a distraction at the very least. Once we got to Java Java and started talking, it was like we were old friends from school or something. It was nice…and it was kind of weird at the same time.”

             
“What was weird about it?” Emily questioned seriously.

             
“Well, I’ve been on plenty of dates, but I’ve never really made a friend as an adult before.  There’s been associates, classmates, coworkers, neighbors…but I’ve never actually made a friend and that’s what last night felt like.  He didn’t try to come on to me. He wasn’t flirtatious. He wasn’t anything like I expected.  It felt like I made a friend. And that was weird, but nice. Does that make any sense at all?” I explained.

“
Aww Sahara… Of course it makes sense. It does. And I’m happy for you. But just be careful. You’re hot. He’s hot. I’m sure he was looking to be more than friends.”

“You’re right. I wasn’t thinking straight. It was that damn Dr. Summers. She wasted no time getting in my head. Ugh… I don’t know. Ben and I talked—his name is Ben by the way and he’
s a doctor. And—”

“Wait, wait
so because I found a handsome doctor you had to one up me by getting a handsome doctor with an accent? You bitch!” Emily interrupted giddily.

I bumped my head against the head
board as I laughed loudly. “First of all, he has his Ph.D. in Social Psychology so he’s not a doctor like Anthony is a doctor so you’re safe. And second of all, I didn’t get him. All he is to me is a funny guy who just happened to be a decent conversationalist. That’s it.”

“
Mmmm hmmm… you slept with him didn’t you?” Emily joked.

My laughter turned hysterical as lack of sleep mixed with Emily’s extra comments. I tipped over onto my side and grabbed my stomach, unable to get myself together. For the next five minutes, we struggled to contain ourselves. Any and everything we said from that point forward cracked us up. 

“Sleeping with him is not the way to mend this broken heart,” I responded when I caught my breath. The reality of my heart being in shambles sobered me up quickly. We both fell silent.

“I know. I’m j
ust playing with you,” Emily said hurriedly. “It’s good to hear you laugh again.  It’s been a long time. And I’m proud of you for taking a chance and making a friend. And for going to therapy. Most importantly, for going to therapy,” Emily overcompensated with an enthused cheer.

“I appreciate you saying all of
that, but just the fact that making a friend and going to therapy being proud moments…it speaks volumes about how messed up I am.”

 
“It speaks volumes about you being such a badass survivor.  A lot has happened in the last 10 years. But look at you right at this moment: you have an amazing job, you have an amazing place in an amazing city, you have an amazing sense of style, and you have amazing people in your life that love you. You have so many positives, but you can only see the negatives because of all that guilt you carry around with you,” Emily countered seriously.

“
But I have every reason to feel guilty Em. After being in Bakersfield for the last seven weeks, I’ve tried to convince myself that the move was necessary and that I was being selfless by letting them go. But the way I handled it…the way I handled everything was not right.  I just walked away from everyone and everything again. Again. And in my heart, I know that was messed up.” I sighed deeply and Emily was silent on the other end.

“
I took the coward’s way out.  But there’s nothing I can really do about it now. I made this bed, so I must lie in it,” I finished quietly.

“
I wish there was a way for everything to magically fix itself or for all the bad that’s ever happened to be erased. But since there isn’t, you are doing the next best thing. I’m glad you are going to therapy again. I think it is really going to help.”

“Like I had a choice! Yo
u pretty much threatened me,” I accused with mock indignation.

“And
I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” Emily replied lightheartedly.

“And this is why I love you.”

“I love you too. Now, tell me about your
session.”

“
Dr. Summers seems nice. She’s better than the one from undergrad. It took me weeks to open up to that one and in this one session, Dr. Summers had me talking and crying about Dad and everything else.  The whole session took me by surprise. And honestly, it was the only reason I agreed to go get coffee with Ben.”

“She sounds like exactly what you need, Sahara.” I could
hear the optimism in her voice, which made me feel a little more optimistic and hopeful about the whole process.

“It would seem so,” I agreed hesitantly. “I’m just… I don’t know. Nervous? Anxious? I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I just can’t continue to live my life like this, you know? I can’t keep hurting the people I love. I can’t…” I trailed off with my eyes closed.

“Sahara…” Emily started gently, “I know you haven’t been ready to talk about it, but—”

              “No. If it’s about either of them, I’m still not ready,” I interrupted quickly.

             
Emily sighed. “I can’t keep lying to him Sahara. He’s a mess and we’re all worried about him. I think he knows that I’m lying about having contact information for you. I even think he tried to hack my computer.”

             
“On Monday, I can talk to one of the guys at work about the best package for you and send you a program.”

             
“Obviously, that’s not the point. The point is he is so desperate for information I think he might have tried to hack my computer. You know I love you. And you know I love him. And you also know I would love for you two—”

             
“Emily, please stop,” I begged. I shut my eyes tightly as the tears fought against the closed lids.  “I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position.  I plan to make it right. That’s one of the reasons I’m in therapy. I’m going to make amends. I know I owe them that much. But please stop. I can’t hear this right now. I can’t talk about this right now.”

             
Sighing loudly, Emily was quiet for a moment before she grunted, “Okay.”

             
“So how’s everything with Anthony? Didn’t you guys have a date last night?” I asked.  I seized the opportunity to change the focus of the conversation to a subject Emily couldn’t refuse. Blinking back the tears, I focused on the sky as I stared out of the glass doors that led to the balcony.

             
Emily sighed wistfully, “Anthony is wonderful. He planned this whole spa day for me next weekend.  He was being very cute and awkward about it.”

             
I smiled at how happy Emily sounded. “I’m so happy for you Em. I think you’ve found The One.”

             
“I think so too,” she agreed.

She went on to talk about their
Friday afternoon picnic date that quickly turned into an apology dinner at an expensive steakhouse after a bird shit on their picnic basket. We talked about RED Inc. and my coworkers who sit in their office and play Candy Crush all day. Like always, the conversation was lighthearted and fun, giving me a brief reprieve from the hurt and heartache that generally weighed me down.  Then out of nowhere, there was an unmistakable shift in the conversation.

             
“Um…” Emily paused uneasily and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. “You remember that the opening of my dance studio is the Saturday of Labor Day weekend right?”

“
Mmm hmmm,” I acknowledged with a mumbled affirmation sensing where the conversation was going.

“Y
ou are still coming right?” Emily inquired quietly.

A silence fell over the phone for the first time in the hour long conversation.
I want to go. I want to be there for her. I want to make up for all the things I’d purposely missed over the years. I want to be the friend to her that she’s always been to me. But going means confronting Emanuel and I’m not ready to see him. Not yet. I’m not quite ready to confront everything that happened the last time I was in Thomasville…or what happened when he came to Richland. I know he wants…or at least I know what he wanted before I ran away and abandoned him…again. Why do I keep doing this? He deserves better. This is why I need to let him go,
I thought guiltily.

“Sahara?”  Emily’s voice sounded nervous.

“Hold on,” I huffed into the phone. Breathing heavily, I put the phone down and I sat up completely. I pushed the white embellished silk comforter and grey satin sheets off of my bare legs and I climbed out of the bed.  Standing beside the bed, I leaned against the nightstand.  Both of my hands gripped the sides of the small black table as I struggled to get ahold of my breath.

Taking deep breaths, I was able to ward off a complete panic attack in
only a couple of minutes. I crawled across the bed and picked up the phone that was discarded between the pillows.  The phone showcased my screensaver indicating that Emily had hung up.

It’s probably for the best that she hung up.
I need time to think and that conversation was heading downhill fast. I’ll just text her,
I thought as I went to my text messages. Before I could think of what to text, I received a text message from Emily.

Emily Mills:
I hope you’re okay. I had to hang up because my doorbell rang and it was Dad and Manny. An hour early of course! Ugh! Anyway… I want you to be at my opening.  Manny’s going to be there (obviously) and I know that seeing him will be hard for you. But if there is any possible way you can think about it, I would appreciate it.  If you decide you can’t make it, I’ll understand. But I’d love to have you there.

Emily Mills: PS-
Be careful with this Ben character. He sounds smooth and sex with him isn’t going to fix your issues! I’ll call you back when they leave. Love you!

             
I laughed dryly.
I love that girl,
I thought as I shook my head at her mixture of vulgarity and sisterly affection. I looked up and noticed that the movie I was half-watching before Emily called had gone off.  In its place, Coming to America.

My eyes instantly
watered and I turned the T.V. completely off.  Coming to America used to be my favorite movie.  It used to make me smile just thinking about the hilarious characters and the comedic genius that was displayed on film.  Now it was just a painful reminder of a happier time in my life because Coming to America was Ty’s favorite movie too. 

As the minutes rolled by in my silent
bedroom, I felt myself sinking deeper into a pool of sadness, regret and guilt.  My chest constricted and my lip quivered. My stomach knotted up. The love I felt for him was ever present, but unlike before his accident, it was tainted with guilt.   
Tyree deserved so much more than what I gave him.
 
He saved me from myself.  He brought me back to life. And what did I do? How did I repay him? I caused him heartache and pain.  He saved me and I hurt him.  He gave me strength and I left him in a hospital bed,
I wailed silently.  The tears fell in full force and I couldn’t do anything but give in.