Back To Us (15 page)

Somehow I managed to drift asleep. I woke up sometime later startled. For a minute I didn’t realize where I was. I turned to look at the bedside clock. It was just after midnight. Justin was asleep beside me. I tried falling back asleep, but couldn’t. I got out of bed meaning to go to the bathroom. It was then that I noticed that Justin had removed his prosthetics and placed them beside the bed.

After showering and putting on some fresh underwear and a shirt I crawled back in bed next to Justin. I wanted to see his legs again, to see what he looked like without his prosthetics, but I left the blankets in place. Justin would let me see if that’s what he wanted. It didn’t seem right to sneak a look while he slept. I nestled next to Justin in bed and a few minutes later he stirred.

“You’re awake?” he asked.

“I took a shower.”

Justin sniffed my still wet hair. “Mmmm, you smell good.” He kissed the side of my head.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You want to see my legs?”

“How did you know that’s what I was going to ask you?”

“I just figured.”

“Does it bother you?”

“No.” He pulled back the blankets and I turned on the bedside lamp. Both legs looked totally normal until you got to just below his knee. From there they tapered a bit and then just stopped.

“I’m told I was lucky. Below the knee amputations aren’t as bad as above the knee, much easier to learn how to walk on prosthetics.”

“It must have hurt like hell.”

Justin nodded and then pulled the covers back up. “It was a nightmare. From start to finish, the day I lost my legs was the worst day of my life.”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“I was deployed with a Marine battalion in Afghanistan as one of their Corpsmen. Me and the team I was on were out on patrol one night when we stumbled on an IED. There was a huge explosion and the next thing I remember is being flat on my back and feeling the most excruciating pain in my legs. I heard screams, at first I thought they were mine, but then I realized I wasn’t the only one who got hurt. A few of the Marines I was with did, too.” Justin shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again. “It was my job to help them, to save their lives, but I couldn’t. One of my Marines died, another lost part of his arm while I lay there helpless.”

“Justin.” I couldn’t believe he blamed himself for what happened. “It wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could do.”

“The logical part of me knows that.” Justin’s voice sounded hollow, distant. “But I’ll never forget that feeling. The feeling of utter failure, of knowing that people depended on me and I couldn’t pull through for them.”

I wrapped one of my arms around Justin and kissed his chest. “You are not a failure. It’s not like you asked to be injured. If anything you’re a hero.”

“That’s what everyone keeps telling me. I even have the Purple Heart to prove it, but the guilt never goes away. I think about that Marine who died, and sometimes I think it should have been me. For months after it happened I wished that it were.”

I hated the idea of Justin lying around in a hospital in pain and wishing he were dead. “You’re not the one who planted that IED. Nothing that happened that night was your fault. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and there isn’t a reason for it. It just happens. For whatever reason, you made it out of there alive, and I for one am grateful you did.”

“For a very long time I wished I’d died that night. At first it was because of the pain of my injury, then it was the agony of rehab and trying to learn how to walk again. And then it was just realizing that my life in the military was over, and I was a twenty-something-year-old man with no legs stuck at home with his parents and no job or any prospects of one.”

“How did you wind up working at the community center then?”

“Through a program that was looking to hire vets. I used to think that job saved me, and in a lot of ways it did, but the truth is, meeting you has made me happier than I can ever remember being. Even before I lost my legs.”

I was stunned speechless. “You seemed so normal when we met. I would have never guessed that you had been through what you had.”

“Call it self-preservation. I learned how to cover what I was thinking and feeling,” Justin explained. “Once you meet my mom you’ll understand.”

“What do you mean?”

“My mother’s a total helicopter. She’s constantly hovering over me, looking for signs that I’m cracking. I think if it was up to her I’d still be seeing some shrink every day. It drives me crazy. So, whenever I would get in a mood I’d have to find a way to hide it from her or deal with her trying to convince me that she knows what I need better than I do.”

“Have you ever thought about moving out and getting your own place?”

“I’ve thought about it, lots of times. I just don’t know if I’m ready yet. I keep thinking about all the things that could go wrong.”

“I guess it would be hard to find an apartment in Manhattan for what you earn at the community center.”

“My paycheck isn’t that great, but I also get some money from disability, and I have money that’s been left to me by family, so it’s really not about the money,” Justin explained. “After I got out of the hospital the therapists I was seeing said I shouldn’t be on my own, that it wasn’t good for me to isolate myself. But truthfully, I was actually thinking about getting my own apartment for the past few months, until I got that skin infection in my leg over the summer, and I couldn’t use my prosthetics. Being stuck in a wheelchair really scared me. It’s hard, you can’t even imagine how difficult it is to do things when you can’t stand on two legs. Everyone keeps telling me that eventually I’ll be independent again, but I’m not sure I really believe it.”

“Justin, if anyone can do it, you can.” I didn’t want to push the subject any further. It couldn’t have been easy for Justin to confide in me as much as he had. Still, I felt bad hearing how little confidence he had in himself.

Justin kissed me again, pulled his arm away and sat up.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just figured I’d take a shower, too.” Justin pointed to his suitcase. “Do you mind bringing that over here for me?”

I got out of bed and pulled it over to him. He unzipped it and pulled out a different set of prosthetic legs than the ones that were by the bed.

“They’re for showering,” Justin explained. “I can’t get the other ones wet.”

I watched as Justin attached the legs and walked towards the bathroom. I didn’t understand the way Justin saw himself. Even before he’d told me about what he’d been through I’d been in awe of his courage, and the way he picked himself up and moved on after the tragedy he’d endured. Now that I knew the whole story, I was even more impressed. As Justin showered, I lay in bed waiting for him, hoping he’d hurry, because I had the craziest urge to have him back in my arms.

A few minutes later, Justin emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. I smiled as he walked over to me, thinking about what was under that towel. Justin sat on the edge of the bed and I watched as he removed his prosthetic legs without saying a word. I wondered if he felt awkward doing that around me and how long it would be before he wasn’t. There had to be a first time, a first time for me to see him without his legs and then every time after would feel more and more normal until he was so comfortable around me that he never gave it another thought.

Justin sat on the edge of the bed like he was waiting for me to say or do something. I scooted closer to him and then started to kiss the droplets of water that still dotted his back and shoulders.

“Turn around,” I whispered.

Justin obeyed and covered my mouth with his. He swung his body around on the bed and I lay down as he showered me with kisses. The towel that was around his waist had come undone and I flung it off the bed and reached for Justin’s hardness. Justin pulled down my underwear and then lifted my shirt off.

“I want you so bad,” he breathed.

I moved my legs apart. “I’m yours,” I said and then Justin entered me again.

He made love to me with a hunger and urgency that he hadn’t earlier that night. I moaned as Justin brought me to climax, feeling wild with pleasure. 

Maybe it was the fact that we’d opened up to each other so much. Whatever bond the two of us had already started to form towards each other felt more cemented.

Justin wasn’t around when I woke up. I went to the bathroom to look for him, but he wasn’t there. His stuff was still in the hotel room which meant he hadn’t just up and left me. I reached for my phone to call him, but put it back on the nightstand without dialing his number. I didn’t want him to think I was clingy and desperate. Wherever he had gone, I was sure he’d come back.

It was another fifteen minutes before I heard him fumbling at the door. I got up to help him open it. He smiled as he walked into the room.

“I got us some breakfast.” Justin held up a large brown bag before putting it down on the dresser. Then he put one hand on my waist and the other around my back and pulled me towards him.

“Why didn’t you leave a note? I was worried.”

“You were fast asleep.” Justin kissed me. “I figured I’d be back before you were up.”

He stepped back from me and then pulled out four take-out boxes from the bag. “I wasn’t sure what you liked for breakfast so I brought you a few things. There’s eggs in there, and some pancakes in that one.” Justin pointed to the boxes.

“You.” I couldn’t help the smile on my face. “You’re always spoiling me.”

“Of course. What do you expect? You’re my girl.”

His girl. I liked the sound of that. It made my heart leap in my chest.

We spent the rest of the day hanging out in Central Park and had an early dinner before heading back to our room. Justin had barely closed the door behind us when he pulled me into his arms. We kissed and grabbed at each other’s clothes, peeling them off before making it to the bed.

“You’re insatiable,” I teased him afterwards.

“It’s been a really long time for me.”

“No one since that girl you told me about yesterday?”

“Yup. She was actually the only person I’d ever been with, until you.” I didn’t like the pang of envy that Justin’s words brought. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You’ve never really talked about your dating past. Except for that guy you lived with before.”

“I like keeping my past in the past.”

“You think I’ll get jealous?”

“Can we change the subject, please?” I didn’t like thinking about the relationships I’d had. All of them had been disastrous in one way or another. It had taken me a long time to wise up about my life and I didn’t like to reminisce about the more painful times when all I’d done was make stupid mistake after stupid mistake.

“Okay, okay. As long as you do something for me.”

“What’s that?”

“Kiss me again.” I had no problem complying with Justin’s request. That night the two of us hardly slept. Maybe it was because we knew it was the last night we’d have completely alone together for a while.

Heading back home after my weekend with Justin was harder than I imagined it would be. My brother wasn’t home, he was probably with his girlfriend, and I envied him for being able to do that. Mike almost never spent a night without Melanie. Most of the time he stayed at her place, sometimes she stayed over ours, but it was different for him. Mike had the bedroom at the front of the house so there was never any reason for me to go to his room. My bedroom was sandwiched between his and the kitchen area which meant he had to walk through my room to get to the kitchen or bathroom. That was a less than ideal situation if you were interested in privacy. And even if that wasn’t an issue, I still felt self-conscious about my apartment.

Over the next few weeks I threw myself into studying during the week so I wouldn’t have to stress about my classwork on the weekends when I was with Justin. Midterms were coming up and I was determined to do well despite the fact that I stayed up late most nights talking to Justin on the phone. I hardly saw Susan anymore since we weren’t taking any classes together. My brother I only saw briefly in passing a few times during the week. Then one random morning Mike surprised me by bringing me a cup of my favorite hazelnut flavored coffee from the deli near our apartment. I was in the kitchen eating breakfast when he strolled inside and pulled up a chair next to me.

“What’s up?” I asked, figuring he had something to say to me.

“I’ve been thinking about asking Mel to marry me,” he blurted out.

I almost dropped my cup on the floor. I knew Mike loved his girlfriend, but for whatever reason I just didn’t see my brother as the marrying type.

“Are you going to say something?” he asked, as I sat there staring at him in shocked silence.

“Does Mel know?”

Mike shook his head. “No. And I don’t want her to until I can get her a ring first.”

“Wow! Well I won’t say anything. I promise.” I wondered how my brother was going to be able to buy the kind of ring Mel would be happy with. He made decent money, but engagement rings costs thousands of dollars.

“I just got a promotion at work which means more money. I think in a few months I’ll have enough saved up for a ring. I was thinking about asking her on Christmas.”

“Oh my God.” I stood up to give Mike a hug. “I’m so excited for you.”

“Thanks, J. You think Mel will say yes?”

“Of course she will.”

“Well, if she does, I don’t want you to worry about what’s going to happen to you, okay? I know you still have a year and a half left of school.”

“You don’t have to put your life on hold for me.” Even though I said it I only kind of meant it. If my brother moved out before I graduated and got my first real job I would be toast.

Despite how happy I was for my brother, my precarious situation consumed my thoughts over the next few weeks. Of course I knew I wouldn’t
always
have my brother to rely on, but I hadn’t really considered that eventually he’d want to get married and move on with his life instead of living with his little sister.