Backfire (21 page)

Michael felt guilty for drinking so much water.  He took a small sip and handed it back.  “Give the water to Trevor.  I’m fine.”

“The last thing you need to do is get dehydrated on top of everything else, McGinnis.”

H
e declined the canteen.  “I’m already dehydrated.  And by the looks of what happened, I’m lucky I didn’t get hurt worse after a fall like that.”

“Wow, Mikey, I didn’t take you for being an optimist.”  Lawton winked and pat
ted
him on the shoulder. 

“First time for everything, I guess. Now help me up.”  Michael reached out, dreading the next few seconds.  Lawton grabbed his arms and helped in guiding him upward.  His side screamed out and he could feel the gauze and tape pull against his skin.  It felt as if the wound was on fire and vertigo overtook him.  He had to lean on the other man to gain his composure.  The edges of his vision grew black again and he vomited the little water in his stomach, along with the granola bar he had forced down.  He dry heaved several times before the wave of nausea passed. 

“
Whoa
, you okay buddy?”

Michael was slumped over and found it hard to stand up completely without aggravating his injury.  His breathing was heavy and it took him several seconds to control it.  “I’m… fine. We need to go.”

“Just don’t overdo it now.”

Glaring at Lawton, he tried his hardest to not allow the pain to cause him to take things out on the other guy.  “What does it matter? If I don’t, we’ll die anyway.”

He took a couple of steps and was glad to find his way out of the front door, as if the house symbolized his defeat and breaking away from it was the first step in getting to safety.  Smoke covered the view completely and the wall was closer than yesterday, sending a twinge of fear through Michael.  He looked down at Trevor, upset that he let the boy down. 

“I’m sorry, kid, but I’m not gonna be able to carry you like I was.”

The child took Michael’s hand.  “It’s okay.  It’s my turn to help you now.”

Michael was still having a hard time standing up straight, and each step off of the porch was more painful than the last.  There was no way they were going to be able to move fast enough.  With the pace he was keeping, the fire would be right up on them within the next couple hours. He would have to dig deep to find more energy to go faster.

“You’re walking pretty good, considering,” Lawton said as he stayed a few feet ahead, making sure the ground was safe.  “It might not feel like it, but I think we’re still making good time.  I’m still not certain if all directions are blocked, but if I’m seeing things right, the smoke to the south doesn’t appear to be quite as thick, and that’s a good sign.  Could be a narrow opening.” He turned around and faced Michael and Trevor.  “Only problem is it looks like it’s still several miles ahead and my visibility is being hindered by trees and hills, so I’m not even sure if I’m seeing it right anyway.”

“Define several miles.”  Michael was out of breath and had to lean on a tree.  Closing his eyes, he ducked his head.  It was a mistake. The spinning intensified and he had to clasp on to a branch to keep from falling over. 

Lawton stepped closer to help.  “Maybe you should rest a little more.”

“No, damn it! Look to the northeast.  If we wait any longer it’s gonna be nipping right at us.”  He paused to catch his breath.  “I’ve got a suggestion though.”

“What is your suggestion?”

“Take Trevor and get him the hell outta here.”

Lawton cocked his head to the side as if Michael had just spoken to him in some unknown language.  “What the hell are you saying, McGinnis?  You want me to just leave you behind to die in this?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“I said this earlier and I’ll say it again.  I think that knock on your head has made you crazy.  I’m not going to do that.”

Michael stared at the other man for a few seconds.  “Why risk three lives when you can save two, huh?”

“And why leave you behind to die when you’re doing fine?  You’re up on your own two feet.”

“I’m slowing you down.  We are moving five times slower than we were yesterday.  At the pace we’re keeping right now, it’s inevitable that the fire is going to catch up.  Feel the wind, Lawton.  I’d say it’s gusting up to about thirty miles per hour right now.  We keep the pace we’re doing and we’re gonna be dead before the day is over.” He looked down at Trevor, regretting that the young boy had to hear all of this.  “Take the boy and go.”

“No.  Right now we’re fine.  Keep following behind.  Didn’t you say earlier at the house that you weren’t going to give up?” Lawton looked him straight in the eye.  Michael had never seen the man more serious.  “What has changed?”

“I just don’t want to be the reason we can’t outrun this.”

“Well so far we have outrun it.  And we’ll continue to do so.  I’m not leaving you behind.”

Michael was taken aback at the man’s sudden flare for leadership. He had been so reserve
d
from the moment they had gotten trapped and his change in personality was inspiring and odd, all at the same time.  “Promise me one thing, Lawton.”

“Call me Jack.”

“Okay Jack.  Promise me that if the fire does start getting close, that you’ll take Trevor and get him out of here.  Please.  I can’t let the kid die.  I told him we’d take care of him.” He instantly thought about Eva and his mom and how he also told them he’d make it out safe.  He just couldn’t let something happen to another kid if they could prevent it.  That was what took precedence in their situation.  Eva and his mom would understand if it came down to what he was proposing. 

Jack looked at the ground and scrubbed his palm down the side of his face.  “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, Michael.”

***

Casey had just gotten out of a group meeting when he got the news about Michael.  His counselor had given him a message to call his mother as soon as he could, and the moment he read the pink slip of paper he knew something bad had happened.  He could hear the tears in his mother’s voice as she fought to be strong.  She was even apologetic, as if it were her fault that this was happening. 

After hanging up the phone, he had a sudden urge to use.  Worry plagued his mind and he knew one hit of cocaine would help ease it.  He felt dirty for allowing his mind to go there.  What had he learned these past months?  All of that counseling and hard work would be down the drain.  Even though he hadn’t even relapsed yet, Casey felt like a failure for even having thoughts like that creep into his mind. 

Burying his face in his hands, he took in a deep breath to try and help the anxiety.  The details his mother gave him were vague.  She didn’t know much either, but it was enough for Casey to know that he was in danger.  He had been keeping track of the fires since he had gotten to Texas.  He had paid close attention to what professionals and experts were saying about how easy it was to get disoriented and lost in the midst of the smoke and flame walls. 

“Casey, we’re about to all go down to the pool for awhile if you wanna come.”

Looking up, Casey saw one of his group members, a meth addict from New Mexico.  “Thanks, man. I might.  I’m thinking about getting a pass to get out of here for a few hours.”

“Everything okay?”

Casey nodded and avoided eye contact with him. “Yeah, everything’s cool.  Just needing to get away from these walls.”

“I know how that is.  We’ll be down at the pool if you change your mind.”

He watched as the other guy walked away, trying hard to remember his name and coming up short.  He began to pace.  If he got a pass to leave for a while it was the last ingredient he needed to go find some drugs and use.  Guilt shot through him.  He thought about all of the words of encouragement that Eva, his mom, and Mikey all gave him recently about his progress.  Relapses were inevitable in a drug addict’s recovery.  He had done it so much already.  Did he want to do it again with everything he had conquered? 

He pulled out his cell phone and called Todd, his therapist.  The phone rang twice.  “Casey? What’s up?”

“Hey, can I come to your office? It’s an emergency.”

“Uhh yeah, sure.  I don’t have a session right now, so come on.”

Casey didn’t even take time to say bye and practically sprinted to his office.  It was on the north end of the center and he made good time, bursting through the door of his office.  Todd looked surprised and stood up, inviting him in. 

“Casey, what’s going on?”

Out of breath and flustered, it took him a few seconds to get to where he could answer him.  “I’m real close to using, Todd.  I needed to come talk to you so you could keep me away from it all, please.”

“Sit down.”  Todd poured him a glass of water and handed it to him. He sat on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms over his chest.  “Now, tell me what in the hell is going on.  You’re as pale as a sheet.”

“You remember my brother Mikey, right?” He gulped down the water and put the glass on the desk. Todd nodded and didn’t say anything. “He stayed down here to help with the wildfires and now he’s lost. They can’t find him.”

Todd leaned forward, his eyes widening.  “What do you mean, they can’t find him?”

Sighing, Casey gritted his teeth and slammed his hand on the arms of the chair.  “He went out with another guy to find victims and never came back.” He explained the rest of what his mother told him.  He felt tears sting his eyes.  He wasn’t used to completely taking on a crisis like this.  Usually if something hit him hard, he went straight to the drugs and never really felt the emotion behind it.  This was a whole new experience.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Casey, but you know drugs aren’t going to let this go away.  You’re just gonna get put back at square one.  It won’t bring your brother back.”

Casey put his hand up to stop Todd from saying anything else.  “Spare me the psychobabble bullshit, okay?  I’ve thought about all of that.  Before I called you I was in my room, tossing it all through my jumbled mind.”  He closed his eyes to fight off the crying.  “It’s all my fault again!”

“Whoa, what is your fault?”

He glared at Todd.  “Mikey being lost.  Damn it!”

“I guess I’m missing something here.  Again, how is that your fault?”

It didn’t matter how hard Casey fought, the warmth of the tears streamed down his face, lingering on his lips.  They were salty and he wiped them away with the back of his hand.  “I had him come down here to check out the place.  If I hadn’t given him the invitation, he’d have never come and saw the fires and everything.”  Standing up, he went to the window and watched as the birds ate out of a feeder in the courtyard.  “Shit, why does Mikey have to be like that?”

Todd stood beside him.  “Be like what?”

“Why couldn’t he have just donated some money or something if he felt like he had to help?  Why did he have to go out there and get right in the middle of it?”  Casey’s thoughts were racing as if someone was flipping the page of a book.  He felt it was all his fault and at the same time, he was furious at his brother for allowing it all to happen. 

“I can’t answer that, Casey.  But you have to know that it isn’t your fault.  You didn’t make his decision for him.  You didn’t tell him to stay and help out.  That was what he chose.  You can’t blame yourself for something like this.”

“You just don’t get it, Todd,” Casey replied.  “My drug use has led him to danger again.  Just like before.  And this time there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.”

Todd put aside the clipboard he was holding and sat back in his chair.  “Going out and getting high isn’t going to help, either.  Just because Mikey is lost does not mean that he is dead.  Remember that.  You gotta have faith.  Faith makes things possible, not easy.  That’s the first step you gotta take. Having a relapse right now in the middle of this all is n
ot what you or your family need
.  That’s one way you can honor Mikey and keep the ball in your court.”

Casey continued to watch the wildlife in the side yard.  Turning around, he stared at his therapist for a few seconds, knowing deep inside that he was right.  Everything he said was right, yet Casey would not allow himself to think that this wasn’t his fault.  It was, and no one would understand it unless they were inside his mind.

“It’s a nice view you got here, Todd.”  He walked toward the door, grabbing the knob. 

Todd’s voice stopped him.  “Let yourself off the hook for this, Casey, or you’re gonna head down a road you’ll have a hard time turning around on.” 

Looking back, he didn’t say anything and exited the office.  He wasn’t sure where he was headed or what he was going to do, he just knew he felt like he was suffocating. 

***

Lieutenant Harlan’s phone was ringing off the hook with people wanting to know what was going on with the two lost firefighters.  His chief was breathing down his back as well.  They were facing scrutiny for leaving two of their own behind, but when he explained the situation, most understood.  The search continued for McGinnis and Lawton, only to be left short.  There were ways into the area to get to where they estimated the men were, but it seemed impossible and many fire departments, as harsh as it sounded, didn’t want to risk even more lives.  It was a bad situation.  If he went off of the advice from others, it would be to swallow the loss and continue on with fighting the fires.
  Harlan couldn’t resort
to doing that.