Backteria and Other Improbable Tales (4 page)

I started climbing up the red chair, a long haul without a rope.

Fantastic hands reached down to smother me in hot greasy palms. I clawed at them, angular sweating monstrosities.

The room wavered, so like it to do that.

I stood up, ready to die for my secret, let the black waves dash on me. The room distorted, cooled and shrank. I held up my hands, screaming, ready for the ceiling to plunge down on me.

But first the tower of me crashed an awful way far down on the rug plateau. I saw roses in my eye when I became unknowing.

I woke in my bed feeling quiet. Someone was sitting across the room.

Come here Sal, I asked so gently. Let me touch your cold gray lips, let me see the clay that stains your eyes.

It was only a white tower that came to me as I slowly drowned in the lake folds of my bed.

Foul lifeguard it reached down and tugged me out. My wrist was enveloped by cold serpents. I heard hmmm at the tower gate. I squinted and saw it was actually a giant whose every pore was a gaping pit.

I turned my head away and was sick it was so ugly and horrible.

I fell away to black things soon.

But before it, I thought this and final too.

When that bleak tower is gone or at slumber I will creep out, fly down the steps of mountain side and run across the rose strewn plain to my home.

In the door, they will leave it open for me. Up, up, up the pretty stairs, two at a time I think.

Into the bed creeping to hear them whisper below, my friends.

Waiting for Sal to tuck me in and kiss me so,
goodnight dear
. Sleep.

Dream on dream within the smooth and creamy silent walls.

The pendulum stops.

Jeez, wait’ll I tell you what happened last night, Mack. I swear you’ll never believe it. You’ll think I’m nuts. But I swear Mack, I swear I seen it with my own eyes.

I was out with Dot.
You
know, the broad that lives down near Prospect Park. Yeah, you remember her.

Well, we was going up the Paramount t’see Frankie Laine. Sat’day night, you know. Puttin’ on the dog. Show, feed, take her home, give’er the old one two.

Well, anyway, I guess it was, oh, seven thirty when we come up from the I.R.T. station. Forty secon’ street. Time Square. You know the place. Where they got stores down the stairs. They sell jelly apples and stuff. Yeah, yeah, that’s right.

So we come up the street, see? It’s jus’ like any time. You know, all the t’eatres lit up, people walkin’ around. I grab Dot’s arm and we head for Broadway.

Then I see a bunch o’ guys across the street. So I figure it’s probably some drunk cuttin’ up.
You
know. So I says to Dot—come on let’s go see what everybody’s lookin’ at.

So she says—Aw come on, we wantta get a good seat. So I says…haah? Course I don’t let no broad crack the whip over me.
Come on
I say. So I pull her arm and we cross the street even though she don’t wanna.

So there’s a big crowd there, see? There’s so many people I can’t see what’s up. So I taps a guy on the shoulder and I says—what’s goin’ on?
He
don’t know. He gives me a shrug. Is it some guy drunk? I says to him.
He
don’t know. He says he thinks it’s some guy who ain’t got on no clothes. Yeah! That’s what the guy said. Woid fo’ woid.

So Dot says—let’s go, will ya? I give her the eye.
You
know. Cut it out I says. If there’s a guy without no clothes, you’ll be the first one’ll wanna see it, I says. So she gets all snooty. You know, like all broads get. Sure.

So anyway, we stick around. I push more in the crowd so I can see. Everyone is kinda quiet. You know how crowds is when they’re lookin’ at somethin’. Like remember how quiet we all was when we was all watching old man Riley when the truck run over him? Yeah, that’s right. Quiet like that.

So I keep shovin’. And Dot comes with me too. She knows what’s good for ‘er. She ain’t givin’
me
up. Not with my dough she ain’t. Bet your sweet…haah? Awright, awright, I’m tellin’ ya, ain’t I? Don’t get ‘em in a sling.

So we get up to the front practically and we see what’s up.

It’s a guy. Yeah. The guy had clothes on too. Yeah, ya slob, what didja think, I was gonna say he was bareass on Time Square? Haa haa, ya jerk!

So this guy has on like a bathin’ suit see? Like made of fur. You know. Like Tarzan wears. But he don’t look like no Tarzan. He looks like one of them apes Tarzan fights. Lots of muscles. Jeez he was more musclebound than them weight lifters down the “Y”. Muscles all over ‘im.
Covered
with ‘em!

Covered with hair too. Like an ape. Ya know how cold it was last night? Well this guy wasn’t even cold, that’s how hairy he was.

But scared? Jeez, was he scared. Scared stiff. He had his back to a store window. You know the one, where they sell jewelry for ninety-nine cents. Yeah, near that t’eatre.

Inside the store this guy is starin’ out at this other guy. This ape, this guy in Tarzan clothes. Yeah.

This guy has a club in his hand too.
Big
crappin’ thing! Like a ballbat only lot fatter. Covered with bumps. Yeah. Like them cavemen used to carry. Yeah…haah? Wait a secon’ will ya? I’ll get to it. You ain’t heard nothin’ yet. This is a kick.

So we look at this jerk, see? Dot pulls back sort of. What’s the matter I says to her, ya sorry he ain’t got no clothes on? She don’t say nothin’. Just looks white in the gills. Dames. You know.

So I turn to this old jerk next to me. I ask him—who is this guy? But he don’t know.

Where’d he come from, I say to him. He shakes his head.

He looked cockeyed, this old jerk. He was staring at this other guy with the club. And his hands is closed like he was prayin’ or somethin’. Yeah! Aah, ya meet ‘em all over. ‘Specially in Time Square. Ha! You said it Mack. Ain’t it the truth?

So, anyway, where the hell am I? Haah? Oh, yeah.

So I ask this slob once more another question. I asks him how long he’s standin’ there. He turns and looks at me like he gonna jump me. Yeah. Jeez, Mack, no crap.

Then he says—just a little while. He turns away again and starts in starin’ at the crazy guy with the club. He has a book under his arm too. Whattaya mean who? The old jerk I mean. He keeps starin’ at this guy with the club.

So Dot pulls my arm. Come on, she says, let’s go. I pull away. Let go woman, I says. I want to see what goes. So I look up front again.

This hairy guy is showin’ his teeth at everybody, see? Yeah. Like an animal. Some broads in the crowd is pullin’ their dates back. Come
on
, come
on
, they’re sayin’. Jeez. Broads. Ya can’t argue with ‘em. They’re too dumb.
You
know.

Then someone says—
call
a cop. So I figure things’re gonna get hot soon. Maybe there’ll be a good fight, I says to Dot. So what does she do? Come on Mickey, she says, let’s go see Frankie Laine. Laine Schmaine. Aah, fo’ Chrissakes anyway. What can ya expect from a dame?

Haah? So I says to her—in a couple o’ minutes. Can’tch wait a couple o’ minutes? A cop’ll come soon I says to her. Cops always stick their noses in when there’s a crowd.

So I turn to a guy on the other side of me and I says to him—where did this guy come from?

Who the hell knows? he says. All I know is, I was walkin’ by, all of a sudden,
bang
! There he is, standin’ by the window.

So we look at the guy. Would ya look at the guy, says this guy. Look at those teeth. He looks like a caveman.

I’m getting’ to that Mack. I’m
getting’
to it. Hold your water.

So I look at the guy with the club, see? His eyes is small. His chin sticks way out. He looks like…you remember the time we cut school that day. What day? Shut up a second and I’ll tell you what day!

You remember we went through Central Park and we went to that museum? You know,
way
up there. Around 80
^th
street or somethin’.
I
don’t know. Anyway, you remember those cases o’ heads?

No, ya jerk, don’t ya remember? It was upstairs someplace. Well, what the hell. Anyway, the heads showed what men looked like from the time they was apes.

So what? So this guy looked like what men looked like t’ousands o’ years ago. Or millions. Who knows? Anyway, this guy looks like a caveman. Yeah.

Let’s see. Where was I? Oh, yeah.

So I hear some guy say—this is hideous.

Yeah! Ha! This guy says—this is
hideous
. Ain’t that a kick? Well who the hell d’you think? The
old jerk
! With his bible. I
did
so tell ya it was a bible. Awright, so I said he had a book. So I meant it was a bible.

So I look at this guy see? The old guy.

He looks like one of those jerks you see down in the Square. You know, giving the crap about—comes the revolution!
You
know. Reds. Yeah.

Anyway I figure I’ll humor the old fart. So I says—where do ya think the guy come from?

Well,
holy Jeez
, if this guy doesn’t give me the eye like I spit on his old lady or something.

Don’t you know? he says to me. Don’t you
see?

Yeah. How do ya like that? Don’t I
see
. See what fo’ crap’s sake? That’s what
I
wanna know.

So I look the old jerk over. Some goddam Commie I figure. I would’ve give him the knee if there wasn’t so many guys around.

Well, to make a long story short, all of a sudden the crowd
jumps back
! I get almost knocked down. Dot yells blue murder. Look out! someone else yells.

So I look up front.

The crazy guy is tryin’ to jump some broad up front. He’s
growlin’
at her. Yeah! Look, was I there or wasn’t I? Well, shut up then. I was there. I saw the bastid with my own eyes. Take my woid.

The guy even unloads his club and takes a swat at the broad.

Yeah! That’s right. Boy, what a kick. It was like a crappin’ movie.

Get a cop, get a cop! the broads start yellin’, jumpin’, out o’ their pants. They’re all the same. Somethin’ happens and they go runnin’ for cops.

Yeah, and some old character is standin’ in an ashcan and yellin’ — Police! Police! Help, police! Yeah! Ya shoulda seen the slob. You woulda died.

So everybody is excited and the crowd’s breakin’ it up. But there’s more crowds pushin’ in, see? To see what’s goin’ on. So everybody’s shovin’ and pushin’, pushin’ and shovin’. Scene from a crappin’ movie.

What? The guy with the club? Aah, he’s back against the window again. Sure. His eyes is rollin’ around like crazy. All the time he’s showin’ his teeth. It was a riot Mack, take it from me.

So somebody
gets
a cop. No, wait a second. That ain’t all.

This cop pushes through the crowd, see?
Big
son of a bitch. You know the kind. All right,
break
it up,
break
it up, he says. Same old crap all the time.
Break
it up.

He comes up to the guy with the club.

And who do you think
you
are, he says, Superman? He gives the guy a shove. Come on ya bum, he says, you’re under…

And all of a sudden, boppo! The guy swings his club and whacks the bull over the nut.
Jeez did he slug him
! The cop goes down like a sack of potatoes. Blood comes out his ears.

Everyone gives a yell. Dot grabs my hand and pulls me down towards Eight Avenue.

But the guy isn’t chasin’ anybody. So I pulls away from Dot.

Come on Mickey, she says, let’s go to the show. Is
she
scared. She’s goin’ in her…haah? Awright!

So I says I ain’t missin’ this for nothin’. What a broad.

You’d think a guy got a chance everyday to see a show like that.

She keeps whinin’. You
told
me you was takin’ me to the Paramount, she says.

Look baby, I says, Look, you’ll get to the Paramount, see? Just keep your pants on. Did I tell her right? What the hell. Ya can’t let ‘em walk on ya. Am I right or am I wrong?

Haah? Oh yeah.

Well I leave her down by the Automat down the street. I says I’ll be right back. I just wanna get a good look at the knocked out cop.

So I go back. There isn’t many people around. They was all scared I guess. Jeez how that guy cracked that cop! I could still hear it, Mack.

So the cop is out cold see? But there’s
another
cop comin’. He has his gun out. Sure, whattaya think. You think they take a chance? Hell no. Pull out their rods. What do they care they might hit innocent bystanders. Aah,
you
know cops.

Stand back
everybody! yells the cop.
Stand back
! Jeez. All the time! They say the same things.

So-o, I watch him move in on the guy with the club. He’s still standin’ by that store window. The caveman I’m talkin’ about. Pay attention will ya!

So the cop says—
put down
that club if you value your life. Uh-huh. How do you like that?

Well this character just
growls
. He don’t know what the hell the cop is talkin’ about. He starts to
scream
. Like a animal. Gets down in a crouch like Godoy used to, remember? Yeah.

Does he drop the club? Are you kiddin’? He has it in his mitt so tight you couldn’t drag it out with ten horses. Yeah.

And he’s kinda
bouncin’
on his feet too. Yeah. Like that ape in the movies, what the hell’s its name?

Anyway, bouncin’ and puffin’. Yeah. Jeez, it was funny. Ooop, ooop, ooop, the guy is sayin’. You shoulda been there.

So the cop holds up his gun, see?

I’m
warnin’
ya, he says. You put down that club and come along peaceably or else.

The guy growls.

Then,
get this
, the store’s front door opens all of a sudden.

Officer, officer! yells the guy. Don’t you shoot out my brand new window!

Laugh! I t’ought I’d die.

But the cop keeps comin’. Everybody’s quiet and watchin’. All the cars are stopped. Horns was honkin’. This big crowd all around watchin’ the cop movin’ in on this crazy guy. Yeah, a regular scene.