BAD WICKED TWISTED: A Briarcrest Academy Box Set (78 page)

Yes, I grieved deep inside. How could I not?

Later, I would huddle in my room and cry. Later, I would hunker down over my toilet and lose the contents of my stomach for what I’d become. But not now. Now, I would be his.

After he finished, I pulled away to the other side of the bed, my body exhausted.

I refuse to recount the how’s and the where’s of the
thing
that occurred. Details do not matter. It happened. It was not forced; it was not strange. I willingly gave myself to a man—lied to him, too—for money. I checked him off my list. And he wouldn’t be the last because one man does not pay twenty thousand dollars to have a virgin. I still had debt to work off.

The Man said he wanted to see me again, and I told him yes as my head replayed what had happened here. Yes, I could do it again.

What else could I say? He was providing a way for Sarah to
live
. There is nothing more to add.

He left me in bed and went to shower. I did not want to think about if he had a wife at home or children. I couldn’t. I did not want to think about the other people involved in my sins.

Some may think me ruined, but I am not. Because no matter what I’d done, I was still Dovey, the dreamy girl who only wanted to dance. I’m still the good girl who didn’t sell drugs; the girl that foolishly gave her virginity to the boy who ultimately destroyed her.

That
was me. Not this
thing
. It wasn’t. It wasn’t.

I lay with my arms wrapped around myself, picking through my head, cycling through the movie of my life, searching for meaning in what I had done. I found little. Except that perhaps I had become my own Joan of Arc.

“
Do the stars have enough light for me
?”

–Cuba

SEBASTIAN HAD SKILLS when it came to planning a party
, I thought, checking out the white Hummer limo that drove us to the dance.

Besides me, several cheerleaders, Emma, Sebastian, April, and even Spider sat on the beige leather seats, sipping champagne. Well, except for Emma. No one seemed to notice that she sipped on bottled water.

Spider kept throwing back drinks from a flask he’d brought along. Periodically, I’d catch him glaring at me, and I’d glare right the fuck back, my fists itching to ram his face for throwing Dovey out. I downed a glass of Dom, pushing down the urge to pounce on him. Sebastian had wanted him here, so I allowed it. Barely.

Emma sat in the corner, wearing a loose pink dress although I couldn’t imagine she’d be big so soon. But what did I know about pregnant girls? Dark circles rimmed her eyes, and I knew staying with her cousin was wearing her thin. She kept waiting for her parents to change their minds, to let her come home, but so far they hadn’t.

Not until she was married or confessed her sins on their TV show
, they’d told her.

Before everyone else had arrived for the limo, she’d told me she was ready to talk to the guys she’d been with tonight. “I want to get it out in the open,” she’d said. “And I need to know what
he’s
going to say.”

I didn’t have to ask which boy she meant.

We arrived at The Dorchester and made our way to the ballroom. Decorated by the cheerleaders with red and pink hearts and about a million balloons, it looked like most parties I’d been to. Meh. I really didn’t care. I wanted to get through this night, get Emma out in the open, and then just figure things out. Today in the library with Dovey kept replaying in my mind, and I wanted some time alone to process it all. When she’d walked out that door, her face had been set with acceptance.

Like she’d decided to let me go…forever.

My chest tightened as I gazed around at the paired-up couples, wishing she was here. I don’t know why. Oh, hell, I knew why.

Sebastian got all business like as he hopped on stage and checked the equipment he’d set up earlier in the afternoon. As he worked, his band showed up. Nora arrived with Teddy, the odd looking piano player I’d met over Christmas at Club Vita. Apparently, he had Asperger’s but could play like a maniac. He seemed like a cool dude.

Leo sauntered in behind Nora, his eyes lasered in on his one and only. Dude wore his heart on his sleeve when it came to her. Where ever she went, his eyes followed as if he couldn’t bear to not have her in his sights.

I wanted something like that. I wanted something hot and crazy and so good I couldn’t stand to be without her. Oh, wait. I’d had that with Dovey, but I’d screwed it up. Done. Over.

After a while, the band got cranked up. Spider strummed out an old Sting ballad and Sebastian’s raspy voice belted out the chorus. Their sound was kinda punk, kinda alternative, and pretty good. Sebastian mixed up the lyrics a bit to make it his own and I dug it. The girls went nuts, of course. I sat back in the corner, watching it all, thinking about everything.

About Cara and my mother.

About Dovey.

I hated my fucking life.

Emma came up to me as the band took its first break at ten o’clock. She’d sat at a table with other cheerleaders most of the night, but I’d noticed she’d barely spoken to anyone. Life was about to get tough for her, and perhaps it was sinking in.

“Let’s do it now,” she said, twisting her dress in her hands.

“Now? Why don’t we wait until the party’s over? Maybe meet up at my house.”

She shook her head. “I—I can’t stay any longer. It’s killing me seeing him here with someone else.”

She bit her lip, her eyes cutting across the room to a group of students who hung around the stage, waiting for the break to be over. Spider was there, laughing at some red-head who sat in his lap while Sebastian sat with April and a couple of other cheerleaders. Of course, April was all over him, wanting him for herself. Across from them, Matt had his hands all over a blonde chick with a bad rep.

I tapped my hand against my leg. “I say we wait until tomorrow. This isn’t the place.”

And then the tears came. “I’m dying inside, keeping it all in. And, I want him to be mine.” She wiped her cheeks. “And maybe, just maybe, this baby will bring us together.”

Oh. I didn’t think that scenario worked very often, but it was worth a shot.

She reached out to clasp my arm. “I wished it was yours. You’ve done so much for me...” her voice trailed off.

I studied her pretty features, the oval face, the golden highlights in her hair. She didn’t make my heart race. Never had. Thoughts of her body didn’t keep me up at nights or keep me in the shower until I’d spent. She wasn’t even close to Dovey.

She gave me a sad smile. “It’s that silly ballerina, isn’t it? She’s the one you really want.”

I shrugged.

“And I don’t understand why you can’t be with her. Because I think, maybe, she feels the same.” Her voice quavered at the end. And I knew it was a growing point for Emma, to say something in the interest of someone else. To admit she wasn’t the
one
for me.

How to explain why Dovey and I couldn’t be together? I didn’t want to go there.

And maybe I was ready to get this done so I could focus on my own mess.

“I guess we can talk to them in the lobby.” I’d noticed a small alcove out there on the way in that had looked private. “You ready?” I asked.

She nodded and with her hand on her tummy, followed me over to the crowd.

Sebastian and Spider both laughed at something April said, but turned when they saw us approaching. Sebastian leveled his eyes at me and then bounced to Emma, his face getting tense.

“You alright?” he said to her.

She nodded, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

“Need to see you in the lobby,” I said to Sebastian.

Seconds ticked by as he got still, catching on to the vibe I was sending out. My hands clenched, thinking about how this whole scenario might play out.

He was my friend. I didn’t want to ruin that.

Sebastian laughed, but it sounded weird. “Dude, this is way too serious. Do you mean me or Spider?”

My eyes roved around, searching for a way to get Sebastian out of this room and outside without making a big deal out of it. And then I saw it: a pink lace bra draped around Spider’s stool on stage like a decoration.

No, it couldn’t be…

Was that Dovey’s?

Something roared in my ears, and my entire body drew up, my face burning hot from the blood that had rushed to my head.

“Her bra?” I ground out. “What the fuck? That’s real class there.” My eyes found Spider’s
.

I was going to kill him.

Spider smirked. “Hey, I earned it. Girls I’ve shagged love to give ‘em to me. Looks good, huh? I bet you like that pink. Let me tell you, that’s the best one of all. She was hard to nail. Best fu—”

I snapped him up by his shirt, my face up in his, my teeth bared. “I want it gone.”

He struggled, pushing at my chest until I shoved him away from me.

I came at him, my hands drawn up tight. “She’s supposed to be your friend and you do this?”

“Me? What about what you did to her?” he roared. Planting his legs wide, he ran at me.

Bring it. I’d been waiting over a year to kick his ass.

Lunging at me, we hit the ground, fists flying, both of us connecting. We grunted and slammed into each other, neither of us holding back. I had more muscle and about three inches on him, but he didn’t give up. Girls screamed as we rolled around, ending up pressed against the stage. Sebastian and a couple of other guys yelled for us to stop, but no one seemed too keen on jumping in and separating us.

Getting on top of him, I landed a punch in his gut, making the air whoosh out. But he was wild, his knees shoving up to get a shot at my groin, but missing. I held him down, knowing this was futile and stupid. Fighting him wasn’t going to make her come back or change the fact that we couldn’t be together,
but he would never do this to her
.

As if from a distance, more voices yelled for us to stop, probably chaperones and the coaches. One of them sounded like Dovey even though I knew it wasn’t. But it was enough to make me look. And when I turned my head to check, his fist connected with my temple and lights went out. Down, down, down, I fell, and as the ground met my body, Dovey’s face took center stage in my head. I remembered the first time I’d seen her dance, and how my heart had known she was
mine
. I hadn’t understood it; I hadn’t understood why she called to me; she just did. The lines of her body, the way she held herself, the way she moved. Hell, just the tilt of her head and I’d been lost.

So yeah. That’s the truth. Honestly and forthrightly,
I’d never stopped loving her.

How do you let go of a love that made you soar? It’s impossible.

How do you explain a love that will span time, leaving you bereft because you know you won’t grow old together? Because I’d messed up my life, and I suck when it comes to people. Dovey wouldn’t be any different.

If I was a better person. If I hadn’t hurt her so much already. If, if, if.

Her love was gone anyway.

And with that realization, pain seared me. The hit Spider got in, it was nothing compared to the agony of losing her.