Bastial Steel (7 page)

He knelt down to throw her body over his shoulder. She screamed with a giggle as he hoisted her into the air.

“But there’s no way you can knock me off my feet without your guards around,” Cleve said, a warmth from the wine making him want to take his shirt off and wrestle.

“Put me down and we’ll see about that.” Her voice had a competitive edge to it.

He let her body slide down through his arms. Instantly, she grabbed his waist and tried to pull him over her foot. He stumbled a bit but found his balance, tightening every muscle and getting low.

She pushed his shoulders, but he barely moved. She tried to step into him to shove his chest, but he grabbed her hands and pulled them out to the side.

She stepped back and hummed in thought. In another attempt to catch him off guard, she ran and jumped at him, but he moved to the side, and she crashed onto the floor.

From the way she was laughing as she rolled along the rug, he knew not to ask if she was hurt.

“Give up yet?” Cleve asked instead.

She rose to her knees, sticking out her rear as she laughed uncontrollably. But it was another trick. With amazing agility, she spun and jumped to him, wrapping her legs and arms around his torso.

The force of her petite body still was enough to make him slip. He felt his back and head slam into the rug, and a groan of pain sputtered out of him.

Jessend gasped. “I’m sorry!”

It just took a moment for him to realize he wasn’t injured. A small laugh escaped from his lips. “Don’t be.”

As Jessend climbed off him, he felt her hands on his bare legs. Only then did he realize he didn’t have his pants on anymore. He vaguely remembered removing them during some ridiculous scheme to distract her so he could cheat.

His weariness had caught up with him by the time he was back on his feet. He looked at the bed eagerly.

“It’s definitely time for me to rest,” he said.

“Just stay here.” She spoke indifferently, even giving a shrug. “There’s plenty of room in my bed.”

She guided him onto it before he could think of an excuse, not that he really wanted to come up with one. He lay down on his back, hoping if he closed his eyes he and Jessend might fall asleep without anything happening.

It was hard to ignore the rustles of the bed as she made herself comfortable beside him. Flipping onto her side, she let her arm drape over his stomach. He felt the urge to touch her as well but stopped himself from reaching for her arm.

It’s possible to find comfort in a woman’s touch without being attracted to her, isn’t it?
Or does this mean I’m starting to like her?
He forced himself to think about what it would be like to kiss her, as a test.

Luckily, he felt no flutter in his heart, no tingle down his back. Then his mind went to Reela, the way she’d pushed her lips against his in the dungeons beneath Welson Kimard’s castle.

That brought him out of his numb state. He could feel his blood pumping through his body. With it, his worry was relieved, so he put his arm around Jessend, knowing she couldn’t make him feel the way Reela did.

She snuggled closer, propping her head on his shoulder. He was blanketed in comfort and slowly began slipping into sleep.

A kiss to his cheek brought him back. “Don’t sleep just yet,” she uttered into his ear.

He looked to his side to find her eyes wide and staring.

“Were you planning on never kissing me?” She spoke in an overly cute voice.

“Yes,” he dumbly admitted.

Her eyes squinted in concern. She sat up. “My Bastial stars, Cleve. What’s so wrong with me?” All the sweetness was gone from her tone.

He sat up as well. Feeling dizzy, it took a breath for him to gather his thoughts. The first thing that came to mind were excuses.
You’re too short. You’re too thin. You’re too rich. Your hands feel like a child’s.
They flew by like arrows, there and gone in an instant. He knew they weren’t reasons why he wouldn’t kiss her. There was really only one answer to that.

“I want someone else…someone back in Kyrro. Nothing is wrong with you. I like you.” He was surprised to find it was the truth. “But I can’t give up on this other woman.”

Jessend folded her arms as if she’d abruptly gotten cold. “And she feels this way about you?”

“Yes.”

“You realize that even if you go back, you’ll only see her when she visits your prison cell.”

Cleve didn’t see that as the truth. He would find a way to prove his loyalty to Kyrro. He just needed another chance. But he wasn’t about to argue against Jessend. There was no point.

“So, it’s this girl who has caused you to be so distant?”

Cleve found it strange how sometimes he’d notice her accent more pronounced than usual. With her hands now on her hips as she spoke of Reela, her low voice and noble inflections were extremely prominent.

“It is.” He reached out to touch her knee. “I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I feel I owe a debt to you. But I must go back to Kyrro. Rek and I must both go back.”

She bit her lip, looking as if she wanted to cry as she took in a breath through her nose. “I can’t just help you back to Kyrro. Even if I wanted to, that’s not something I can do. I don’t own a ship, nor do I command a crew. And to be honest, I don’t want you to go.”

She grabbed his hand. “Cleve, I like you, but you’re mad. How can you possibly believe you’ll be returning to Kyrro? The only way that would happen is with help from my father—a lot of help. Stay by me. Help our family. In time, you may be able to request a ship, but certainly not without something to give for it.” Her shoulders slumped. “I think that’s the fairest I can be, given the circumstances. But if you’re leaving, you’d better wait until I find someone else. I’m not marrying Kasko Lage, that monster.”

Completely surprised by her cooperation, he leaned forward and squeezed her. “That’s more than fair.”

“Who knows,” she uttered with difficulty from his tight embrace, “maybe when that time comes, you won’t want to leave anymore.”

So that’s her plan,
he realized.
She thinks if I spend enough time with her I’ll change my mind. That’s why she’s not so upset by this.

Her hands came up to his face. “But you have to do something for me right now. And I’d better not have to ask for it or tell you what it is.”

Cleve understood. He closed his eyes and put his mouth against hers.

They tried to move their lips once they were touching, but it was sloppy and uncoordinated.

Jessend pushed him away. With a tilted head, she looked confused.

“Let’s try that again.”

Cleve felt a dry swallow as he leaned in. This time their lips connected like a handshake…perhaps too much like a handshake, gripping each other tightly and then getting lost as they came loose.

She pushed him away harder this time, making a sour face. “Are you doing that on purpose?”

“Doing what?”

“I don’t know,” Jessend let her voice trail off. “It feels strange, but I don’t know why.”

“It does. But I’m not doing anything on purpose to make it that way.”
That’s how I kissed Reela, and it worked far better than this,
he almost said.

“Kiss me again. Kiss me like you mean it, like I’m this other girl.” Her grossly obvious plan was coming out even more now. She figured with enough time he could learn to feel the same way about her that he did for Reela. She didn’t even seem concerned about hiding it.

Cleve was so confident it wouldn’t work, he wasn’t worried.

They tried a third time, and their lips fell into a smooth pattern. There was rhythmic smacking as they pressed their lips to each other’s. But Cleve felt no urge for more of her like he did for Reela. He didn’t mind the kiss, yet he didn’t long for it, either.

But soon he changed his mind. The kiss was becoming strange, like how he would feel if he and Effie kissed. He felt obligated to keep his lips against hers, though.

Luckily, she pulled away. Her face said it all. “I feel like I’m kissing my brother.”

“It’s the same for me.”

“But why?”

“Because I’m not who you want me to be,” Cleve told her.

Sadness began to swell in her glistening eyes. “And I’m not either, am I?”

“No.”
No girl is like Reela.

Her gaze drifted away, and Cleve could see the deep pain on her face.

“That’s how it was with the last man I was with,” she said. “I thought it would go away.” Tears began to roll down her cheek, though her voice didn’t waver. “Ever since the first man I loved died, kissing everyone else has been like this. Why can’t I feel the same way I did with him?”

Cleve could feel the same hurt squeezing his chest. “I know what it’s like to lose someone like that.” Tired, he decided to ease her down onto her side, wrapping his arm around her as he lay beside her.

“You loved a girl you lost?” Jessend asked, wiping her tears.

“A little different than that. My parents were killed.” The familiar ache of death surged through his body. With a tight stomach, he could feel himself wanting to cry. Images of the men he’d killed earlier twirled through his mind, spinning so violently he wondered if he was going to vomit.

He sat up and got ready to jump off the bed if needed. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing.

Soon he was meditating, pulling in Bastial Energy to feel the warmth push out his panic.

He exhaled, letting it all out and opening his eyes. Jessend’s hand was on his back. He’d almost broken down, but now that he hadn’t, he felt strangely strong. Especially with Jessend there—someone who knew what he was feeling.

They gazed into each other’s eyes, no words exchanged. Yet, he felt he was having a conversation.

We share the same pain. Do you know how to get rid of it?

He let his body back down, and she turned away and followed. He pulled her into him, holding her small body tightly. She kissed his arm and squeezed him as well.

“Both parents?” Jessend asked.

“Yes.”

“That’s terrible. How old were you?”

The pain he thought was gone came back with the memories of their faces. It was starting to overwhelm him, so he took a breath and pulled Jessend into him even harder. A soft whimper escaped from her, but she didn’t seem to object, pressing his arms down on her with her small hands.

“It’s very difficult to talk about,” he managed to utter.

She spun around to face him, burying her face against his neck and blowing. It made a flatulent sound and tickled him to the point of bursting laughter.

At first he was angry, but then she pulled away smiling, and he realized the pain was gone again.

She spun back around, nestling her back and rear against him once again.

“It’s easier to forget, to leave the memories buried rather than deal with them. Isn’t it?” Jessend said, her solemn tone a stark contrast to her recent playful attempt at making him laugh.

He held her close. “It is, but easier isn’t always healthier. I was nine when it happened.” The familiar feeling of wanting to cry came over him. But as usual, it felt like he didn’t know how. It was like something was holding him, preventing him from letting out the tears, from opening himself up.

It was the barrier, he realized. It was the wall he’d been building throughout the years, the one that kept his emotions trapped where he wouldn’t feel them. He could feel himself pushing against it. Deep down, his emotions were swelling, the force of them causing the wall to bend.

He worried about what would happen if it broke, but he almost wanted to see for himself.

He heard Jessend sniffle. “I miss him so much it hurts.”

Turned away from him, Cleve could hear Jessend crying.

“It’s painful to the point where it makes you wish you could forget your memories,” Cleve said. “But then you feel ashamed at the thought of wishing to forget.”

The wall was barely holding now.

Jessend sniffled again and let out a weep, taking a breath to stifle the next.

“But it seems that forgetting is the only way to get over it,” she whispered.

Hearing her say what he’d always believed broke him. His barrier shattered, and tears freely flowed from his eyes.

She interlaced her fingers with his, pressing his hand against her heart.

“I know there’s another way besides forgetting,” Cleve said. “I just haven’t figured it out yet. Forgetting is wrong.”

She turned with tears streaming, throwing her arms over his chest, pressing herself against him.

“I know it’s wrong.” She held in a shaky gasp of a weep so she could continue. “And I hate myself for thinking it.”

Tears continued to explode out of him. Yet somehow there was no pain, just sadness. He wept without shame or remorse. He wept with strength, knowing this was a way of healing. His body encouraged him to keep at it.

This was wrecking his wall, which he’d constantly worried it would, but he didn’t even feel scared. He knew he would need to rebuild it, but it was just like knowing he had a long day coming with a lot of hard work. It was something he could do. It might be arduous, but there was no point in worrying because it had to happen. And if his barrier broke down again, he could rebuild it once more. He might even get better in the process.