Beautiful Illusions (43 page)

“Good. Now what brings you here today?”

“Ryan thinks that I need to talk about what happened.” I looked at Ryan, who was on the loveseat next to me, holding my hand.

“Ok, then. Go on.”

“Well, I'm getting stronger. I faced my attacker. I talked to the prosecutor. And I talked her attorney into withdrawing from her case.” That wasn’t exactly true, but I didn’t want to admit that there was bribery involved. I still was worried that this would come back to bite me. Of course, it wasn't like Dr. Halder could turn me in. Doctor-patient confidentiality and all that. But I still felt just a wee bit paranoid because Ryan was also in the room with me. With attorney-client confidentiality, the presence of a third party in the room severs the confidentiality, and I wondered if it was the same with a psychologist. Not that he would turn me in, but I didn't really want to take that chance.

He continued to look at me, silently. I went on.

“I guess that there are some residual effects. I, uh, have stopped eating and I can’t bring myself to start eating again.”

“And why is this?”

“Well, I, uh, was a bit overweight before.” I looked at Ryan, who was looking at his lap and shaking his head. Dr. Halder noticed Ryan shaking his head.

“Ryan, you're shaking your head.”

“Yes. Iris is beautiful now, and she was beautiful then. I don’t know why she can’t see that.”

Dr. Halder then looked to me. “You hear what Ryan is saying. But you don’t seem to believe that.”

“No. I know the women that he has dated before me. And was married to. I need to look my best for him. He deserves that.”

Ryan seemed angry now. “I deserve a healthy wife. That's all I want. And if you don’t start eating, you will not be healthy.”

Somehow I was back to my insecure self. Some things never change, I guess.

I shook my head. “I'm not good enough for him.”

Now he was angry. “Jesus, Iris, how can you still be spouting this bullshit? I'm completely devoted to you. I can’t believe that you can’t see that by now.” He lifted his hand from my hand, and crossed his arms.

I looked at Dr. Halder. “So, you can see, I'm pretty messed up.”

Ryan pouted for the rest of the time he was at the session.

He ended up leaving the session about a half hour early, without a word
. When I walked out, after talking to Dr. Halder, I saw Daniel there waiting for me. I groaned inwardly.

He looked sheepish. “Uh, Ryan left and told me to come and pick you up.”

I nodded. I figured I deserved this treatment.

I decided to engage Daniel in conversation. For a first.

“So, Daniel, tell me about yourself.”

“What would you like to know?”

“How long have you known Ryan?”

“For about 10 years.”

“How long have you been his driver?”

“Well, he hired me after Paul. You know.” He looked at me knowingly.

“Yeah. And when was that?”

“About three years ago.”

“You drive his other women around?”

“What other women?”

“You know.”

He rolled his eyes. “Well, before you, there were.”

I nodded my head knowingly. “Go on.”

“You get nothing from me.” He looked ahead at the road.

I sighed.

I arrived at home. The lights were turned out. Ryan’s car was not in the driveway. I felt the familiar constriction in my lungs, the feeling of fear
. I didn’t want to be alone. I found my phone and called him.

“Hello?”

“Hi,” he answered.

“Where are you?”

“I'm at the Velvet Dog.” This was a hip bar in midtown.

“Can I-“

“No. I'm alright.”

I started to feel slightly panicky. What if he really does want to leave me? What if there is a self-fulfilling prophecy - I'm so paranoid about him leaving me that I behave in a manner that causes him to really leave?

“Ok. I will, uh, see you when you get home?”

“Yeah. See you then.”

I dragged myself up to our room. I was feeling exhausted again. And depressed. I fell asleep from the time that my head hit the pillow.

I woke up to an empty bed. I crept into one of the guest bedrooms. He wasn’t there. I searched the other four bedrooms and the office. Not there. I made my way into the loft, and found him on the couch, asleep, the television
still playing. I shut off the TV, found a blanket and put it over him. He was fast asleep. I crawled onto the other sofa, found a pillow and blanket, and went back to sleep.

I woke up again, and Ryan was gone. I made my way downstairs, and found him in his boxer shorts and t-shirt, making breakfast. He smiled at me. “Good morning, Sunshine.”

I relaxed. He seemed friendlier.

“Uh, do you want to talk?” I asked him.

“Sure. Here. I made you a screwdriver.”

I sat down while Ryan finished off the breakfast, and brought it out to the dining room.

“So,” I began. “I guess you're mad at me?”

“No, not mad. I'm just really confused.”

I nodded.

He continued. “I'm just confused on how I can show you that you not only mean the world to me, but that you're good enough for me.”

“I have my issues,” I admitted.

“And how.” He shook his head. “I just don’t know how you still have these issues.”

“They don’t just magically disappear overnight.”

“Granted. But come on, we've been together now for almost a year.”

I looked down at my hands and said nothing.

“Anyhow,” he said, and kneeled in front of me. I could feel my pulse quickening, and my breath caught. Like when we first met
.

He took
my hand. “Maybe I can convince you about how much I love you. Iris, you've made me a better man. Before I met you, I was lost and broken. You’ve fixed me. You've helped me find my way. I, quite frankly, can never imagine my life without you now. Nor do I want to. So now, I have to ask you the question that I have wanted to ask you from the moment I saw you in that bar.” He produced a small jewelry box, and opened it.

Inside was the most magnificent ring that I had ever seen. But it was not the ring that was described to Rochelle
. This ring had a princess-cut red diamond in a platinum setting. The red diamond was several carats and was offset by tiny white diamonds. I had never seen anything like it, and I knew how rare red diamonds were.

I didn’t want to know how much he paid for this ring.

“Will you make me the happiest man ever and do me the honor of being my wife?”

I was shaking uncontrollably. I nodded my head, unable to say anything at all. Once again, I had no voice.

He slipped the ring on my finger. I stared at it. It was beautiful, the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen in my life. I suddenly realized that I was crying uncontrollably. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed into his shoulder.

Ryan was laughing. “I'm starting to get used to your odd reactions to happy events.”

I couldn’t say anything at all, but I was nodding my head violently. He held me for what seemed like an hour, while I strangled him, not wanting to let go.

I finally finished crying, then looked down at my rock. My hand was still shaking violently.

I finally spoke. “Uh, what is this stone?” I somehow knew that it was a diamond without him telling me. It was definitely not a ruby.

“It’s a diamond.”

“I've never seen a red diamond.”

“That’s because they're very rare, love.” He paused, looking me in the eye. “Like you.”

“I thought – “

“That I got you a five carat diamond ring at Tiffany’s?”

I nodded.

“I did
. But the more I looked at it, the more ordinary it seemed to me. It just didn’t suit you at all. You're one of a kind, and the ring should reflect that.”

I looked into his eyes
. “I love you,” I said.

He kissed me long and slow. “I love you too.”

At that, he picked me up and carried me into our bedroom.

We made love the rest of the day.

Two days later, Ryan and I made our way to the state hospital to visit Maggie
. I'd already told my parents, but, of course, they already knew. Ryan, ever the old-fashioned gentleman, had asked my father for my hand. My father, confused about why Ryan would bother asking him, said yes, of course.

I smiled. Of course, my father doesn’t know about that old tradition
. I doubt that he did the same when he asked my mother to marry him. In fact, I know that he didn’t – my maternal grandfather was a drunk who left the family when my mom was only 15.

Now it was time to tell sweet Maggie. And give her a double dose of good news – she was finally going to be released. Sheldon had secured this, and Ryan had found her a room in a group transition home
.

It was going to be a good day.

We went through the usual routine – taking off our watches, taking off our shoes. I set off the metal detector because of my ring. I begged the security guard not to make me take it off. He saw my pleading face and let it go.

I was relieved. I never wanted to take off the ring, however unrealistic that would be in the future. If I got back into law there would be many more metal detectors
. But, for now, I was secure in not having to take it off. Score!

We made our way up to Maggie’s room. She was playing cards with Rosey, the lady who was bound in leather straps the last time. Now Rosey looked normal. Maggie lit up upon seeing us.

She came up to us and gave us both a big hug. Rosey did the same with Ryan, then turned to me with a smile. “Hello. You must be Iris.” At that, Rosey hugged me, too.

Ryan and I took a seat in the room. “You wanna play some gin?” Rosey asked us both.

I looked at Ryan. Ryan said “Maybe later, Rose. I need to talk to Mom right now.”

Rosey nodded
. “I'll go visit Michelle down the hall.”

“Don’t go far,” Ryan called to her
. She nodded as she walked down the hall.

Ryan took a deep breath
. Maggie looked at us, looking at one, then the other. “What’s going on?” she asked.

“Do you want the good news or the better news first?”

“The good news.”

“Sheldon has secured your release. You'll be getting out of here next Monday.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful. Where will I live?”

“I found a really nice transition group home for you. If things go well, you can move out of there in a year, and live on your own.”

Maggie looked a little sad. “I'll miss the people here. Especially Rosey.” Then she smiled. “But I'll be able to see you more. And Sarah.”

Sarah. I would have to meet her, too, now that Sarah was going to be family
.

Maggie looked at us again. “And the better news?”

Ryan lifted up my left hand. Maggie let out a little shriek of joy, then hugged us both. “Welcome to the family!” she said to me in my ear. Then she looked closer at the ring. “A perfect red diamond. I've never seen anything like this!” She kissed me on the cheek. “I think that you'll make a wonderful daughter-in-law.”

I nodded, smiling
.

We stayed the rest of the day. Rosey came back in after about a half hour, congratulated us, then we all played cards
. I didn’t know too many card games, but everybody was patient in teaching me. I did know how to play poker, so we did that, too, with Maggie bringing out her poker set with chips. None of the chips were worth anything, but that wasn’t the point. Hanging out was the point, and we all had a great time.

Finally, we left.

On the way home, Ryan said “Well, now, Iris. Uh, Nick is…Nick will be my best man. So – “

I smiled. “Let’s meet.”

I was, at long last, going to meet the infamous Nick.

To my mother, Dolores, for always believing in me. To Joey, for supporting me through all the craziness. To Debbie, Florence and Carol for giving me courage and confidence. To Nancy for giving me courage, confidence, and some wicked ideas. To my father, Thomas, for giving me my writing ability. To my sister, Christine, just for being you. I love you all.