Beautiful Mess (16 page)

“In
school, my friends seemed to want something different from me, too.  They
liked my sense of humor, but also wanted me to be smart like them, or play
sports with them.  So, whatever my friends were into, I got into. 
Then, in the ninth grade my dad wanted me to try out for the football team,
even though it wasn’t my favorite sport.  Of course, he didn’t know that,
he still doesn’t,” Cole gave a sad smile.  “I made the team, and suddenly
all of the kids I was hanging out with were the popular kids.  They were
selfish, shallow, superficial, and automatically expected me to be that way
too.  I’d seen the way they looked down on everyone who wasn’t like
them.  So, I had a choice to make.  I could be what they wanted me to
be and be popular, or I could be true to myself and be a nobody.”  Cole
sighed, “So, I made the easy choice.”

Bri
couldn’t speak, she had no idea what to say to him.  She felt bad for him,
but couldn’t believe he had really chosen this.  Catching the shocked look
on her face, Cole hurried to explain.

“You
have to understand.  By that point, I’d been hiding inside myself for so
long, I wasn’t even sure who the real Cole Marra was anymore.  And instead
of fighting to find out, it was just easier to be who everyone wanted me to
be.  Like I said, I made the easy choice, not the right one” he shrugged.

Bri
couldn’t hold back her question.

“But,
if who you are changes all the time, how can you even know what’s real
anymore?”

“It
didn’t take me long to realize that I did not want to be like my arrogant,
shallow friends.  At all.  I could pretend easily enough, but I
didn’t want that to be who I became.  So I started thinking about what I
did want.  What I really liked, and wanted to do.  I thought about
what, if it was just me and no one else, I would want and who I would want to
be.  And I started doing those things.  I started painting because
I
liked it, and it was a great outlet for me.  I started spending more
time alone, away from my friends, where I could be myself.  That was one
of the reasons I went down to Venice Beach last summer.  I needed a break
from everyone else’s expectations of me, so I could figure out who I was and
what I wanted.  I can’t tell you how liberating that was, to finally be
able to be myself. 
That
was the Cole you met, the
real
me.  You know me, Ambria.  Even if you don’t think you do.”  He
gazed at her earnestly.

She
felt so torn.  She wanted to believe him, to put all her doubts
aside.  But she just couldn’t, not yet.

“But
how do I know that?” she asked dismally.  “How do I know that my Cole
isn’t just another personality you concocted based on what you thought I wanted
you to be?”  As sad as Cole’s story made her, it filled her with fear just
the same.

“Because,
Bri, you are the first person who hasn’t expected anything from me!” he
exclaimed fervently.  “You didn’t judge me, or see only what you
wanted.  You just took me in and accepted what you found.  I didn’t
have to try to be what you expected me to be, because you accepted me just as I
was.”  

“But,
Carly didn’t have any expectations of you either.  She never said anything
like that,” Bri was confused.

“Yes,
Carly did.  She may not have spoken it aloud, but she did.  She took
one look at me and decided that I was a typical, boneheaded guy who would
happily accept any proposition she offered.  That all I was interested in
was hooking up with any girl that showed interest.”  He eyed her, daring
her to disagree.

“Okay,
so maybe Carly did,” Bri relented.  “But, not everyone you meet wants
something from you.”

“Yes,
they do,” Cole deadpanned.

“Well,
what about Serena?”  She shook her head, still not convinced.  “You
two had a relationship.  You must’ve been able to be yourself with her at
some point.”

“Serena
was really only interested in me physically.  She fell in love with the
idea
of me.  Believe me, anything about me she didn’t like, she set out to
change.  Whether it was my hair, my clothes, or my personality.  She
just wanted me to be the other half of her power couple.  I broke up with
her because I was tired of having her try to change me into who she wanted me
to be.  All of my friends see me as they want to, and expect me to act that
way.  We never even talk about anything deeper than who’s getting with
who, or how the stupid football team is doing,” he laughed dejectedly, without
humor.

“But...but...,”
Bri faltered, trying to wrap her mind around what he was saying.  As
things finally began to make sense, she felt incredibly sad and sorry for what
a lonely, empty life he had lived.

Cole
reached out hesitantly and took her hand. 

“That’s
why you’ve ruined me, Ambria.  With you I have finally been able to be
myself.  The person
I
want to be.  And I’m not giving that up
without a fight.”  He looked at her meaningfully.

Bri
stared deep into his eyes, and realized that she believed him.  For better
or worse, hopefully not worse, she believed that the Cole she knew and cared
for was not some carefully constructed persona, but the man who lay hidden
underneath all the facades. 

“Okay,”
she replied softly.  She smiled at the relieved look that came over his
face.

“Okay? 
Does that mean you believe me?”  The hope in his eyes was almost irresistible.

“Yes,
I believe you.”

Cole
jumped out of his chair and pulled her into his arms.

“Oh,
thank god,” he mumbled in her hair.  “I didn’t think I’d ever be able to
convince you.”

Bri
felt herself soften.  She tentatively returned his embrace, not quite sure
what this meant for the two of them.  They held each other for a few
moments before Cole pulled back to look at her.

“Bri,
do you... do you think that maybe we could give us another try?”  His face
appeared calm, but she could see the fear and trepidation in his eyes. 
She didn’t want to hurt him, but she knew that she wasn’t quite ready for that
yet.  She pulled out of his arms, her body protesting the whole way.

“Cole,”
she began sadly.  “I can’t.  I’m sorry, but I’m just not sure it’s a
good idea.”

“Bri,
I promise you, you have nothing to worry about,” he replied ardently.

“I
have nothing to worry about?” she asked softly.  “Cole, other than Serena,
what is the longest you’ve dated a girl?”  She looked up at him.

“Um,
three weeks,” he answered reluctantly, running a hand through his hair. 
“Maybe four.”

Bri
nodded.  “And I have nothing to worry about?  We both have so little
experience in actual relationships.  I’d hate for us to screw this up
because we rushed into something we both weren’t ready for.  Do you
understand?” she pleaded.

“Yes,
I understand,” he exhaled.  “You need time, I get it.  I really don’t
blame you, with everything I’ve put you through.  I can wait.  I’ll
wait for you forever, Bri.”  He said, completely serious.

“You
can wait?”  She was equal parts hopeful and terrified.

“I
can be very patient when I want to be,” he smiled.  “Though, I’d be
exceedingly grateful if you didn’t make me wait too long.”

“Okay,
I’ll do my best,” she smiled back.

“Now
that I’ve spilled my soul,” Cole smiled lightly as he lifted Bri’s hair from
the side of her neck.  “Will you please tell me how you got this?” 
He traced her lily tattoo with his thumb before looking in her eyes.

She
smiled sadly at him.

“Not
tonight.  We still have a lot of work to do.”

Cole
was obviously disappointed, but he nodded as he let her auburn hair slip
through his fingers and back into place.

“Another
time, then,”

The
Tuesday before Thanksgiving, Cole suggested they meet at a local coffee shop to
study.  And since school was out for the rest of the week, they didn’t do
much studying.

“So,
when does Psycho get in?”  Cole asked.  They were sitting in a couple
of armchairs towards the back where it was quiet.

“Ugh,
tomorrow night,” Bri groaned.  “Luckily she’s only here for four days this
time.  I don’t think I could handle anything longer.  So, what are
you doing for Thanksgiving?”  She took a sip of her peppermint hot
chocolate.

“We’re
heading over to my dad’s friend’s house.  We kind of have this tradition
of spending Thanksgiving over there.”

“Oh,
good.  For a minute there I was picturing you and your dad eating frozen
dinners in front of the TV or something,”

Cole
laughed.  “We may be bachelors, but we’re not quite
that
pathetic!”

They
talked as they finished their drinks, and then Cole walked Bri outside.

“Any
chance I could give you a ride?”  He motioned to his black monstrosity of
a motorcycle.

“Um...,”
Bri pretended to contemplate.  “No!  Nice try though.  If all
else fails, try the direct approach,” she laughed.  Cole had been trying
anything he could think of to get her on his bike.  What he didn’t seem to
realize was that Bri was pretty attached to her life, and wanted to keep it
that way.

“I’ll
wear you down eventually,” he smirked.  “So, I guess this is goodbye for a
few days.  I probably won’t see you with your family in town.”

“Oh,”
Bri felt a lurch inside her.  “I didn’t think about that.  That kind
of sucks,” she pouted.  Just one more reason she was not looking forward
to this weekend.

“Don’t
worry,” he smiled, seeing the disappointment on her face.  “I’ll check in
on you every once in a while, make sure you don’t murder your cousin or
anything!  Well,” he took a deep breath, “I guess I’ll see you on
Monday.  Bye, Bri.”  He turned reluctantly to go.

“Cole,”
she called.  He stopped and turned towards her.  Before she realized
what she was doing, she walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him. 
He tensed momentarily, and Bri smiled as she felt him release a breath wrap his
arms around her.  He held her tentatively, though, and Bri could tell he
was a little surprised.  “Hey,” she gave a small laugh, “we’re friends
now, aren’t we?  We used to say goodbye like this all the time.”  She
omitted the fact that it was more than just a friendly hug goodbye she was
interested in.  But her words had the desired effect, and Cole’s hesitant
hold on her softened into a warm embrace.

“I
remember,” he replied softly.  “I just wasn’t sure you did.”

“Can
I see you sometime this weekend?”  She couldn’t bear the thought of not
seeing him for five days, but she wouldn’t allow her mind to look too deeply as
to why.  “Even if it’s only a couple of hours or something.” 
Anything was better than nothing.  He squeezed her tighter.

“I’d
like that.”  He released her and stepped back.  “I’ll text you, and
we’ll work something out, okay?”

“Sounds
good,” Bri nodded and smiled at him.  “Bye, Cole.”

“Bye,
Bri.”

Bri
turned and walked off to her car.

“Let
me know if you need help disposing of the body!” he called after her.  She
turned, laughing, and watched Cole ride off.

Carly
and her mom arrived Wednesday night, and since Bri’s Aunt Rachel was taking the
hide-a-bed in the den, Bri was stuck sharing a room with Carly.  Oh, joy.

Carly
walked in and dropped her bag on Bri’s floor.  She then plopped down on
the air mattress that Bri had been forced to make up for her, and started
taking off her knee high boots.

“So,
you ever see that Cole guy from the beach again?”  Carly asked, pulling
some skimpy pajamas out of her bag.

“Um,
no,” Bri lied.  “I’m surprised you even remember him.”

“I’ve
just been thinking about him since I got here.”

“Why? 
Do you want to see him again or something?”  Bri didn’t want Carly
anywhere near Cole.

“Well,
yeah!  I still owe him a kick in the balls after all!” Carly huffed. 
“Plus, he was like,
really
hot.  Maybe he’s not such a jerk
anymore.”

“Yeah,
well, good luck with that,” Bri spat angrily, the thought of Carly and Cole
together making her physically ill.  “I’m going to go shower.  Try
not to make a mess of everything,” she glared at Carly’s clothes all over the
floor, before she bolted for the bathroom.  She didn’t know where this
jealous protectiveness was coming from, but she knew if she didn’t get out of
there she was going to rip Carly’s bleached blond hair out.

Thanksgiving
morning dawned, and Bri woke to clashes and bangs from the kitchen, as Aunt
Rachel and Summer were already up cooking.  Bri spent the morning playing
with her brothers, while Carly took advantage of the warm November day and
worked on her tan out by the pool.  They ate dinner later that afternoon,
Summer and Rachel having managed quite the feast between them, and then gorged
on homemade pumpkin and apple pie as they watched football.

Bri
realized she’d left her phone in her room all day, and decided to go see if
she’d missed anything.  She refused to admit that she really wanted to see
if Cole had texted her.  She shut her bedroom door and picked up her
phone.  Her heart picked up when she saw a message waiting for her.

Happy
Turkey Day, Bri!

It
was just a short text, but it made her smile.  It felt good to know that
Cole had been thinking about her.

Happy
Thanksgiving, Cole!  Hope yours is better than mine!
 
She sent back.  She almost jumped when her phone vibrated a moment later
with a response.

That
bad, huh?

Worse. 
Carly actually ate dinner in her bikini, and guess who got to sit by her? 
Yep!  My whole meal tasted slightly like coconut from the smell of her
stupid tanning oil.

Carly
in her bikini?  Dang, sorry I missed it!  Think you could send me a
pic?  ;)  

Ha
ha.  You are so not funny.
 Bri thought she
heard a noise outside her door.  

Hey,
I’ve gotta run, but can I text you later tonight?

Definitely! 
I’ll be waiting!

Just
then Carly came barging into the room.  Bri quickly slid her phone under
her pillow.

“Ugh,
are you sick of “family time”, too?”  Carly even did the air quotes. 
“Is that why you’re hiding out in here?”  She flopped on the bed beside
Bri.

“Yeah,
I was just trying to get some peace and quiet.”  She looked pointedly at
Carly, but Carly was clueless, as usual.

“Me,
too.  Hey, do you think if we went down to Venice Beach this weekend, Cole
would be there?”  Carly turned to her, an eager gleam in her eye.

“Cole? 
I thought you were over him.”

“I
was.  I am.  But, now that I’m here, and so close... I don’t
know.  I just want one more shot, I guess.  He’s had plenty of time
to come to his senses.  All want is one killer make out session with
him.  I bet that boy could turn a girl to jelly with just his lips!” 
Carly all but moaned.

“Okay,
then,” Bri practically jumped up off the bed.  She so didn’t want to hear
any more of Carly’s fantasies.  “If you want to go checkout Venice, be my
guest.  I, however, will not be driving you, so you’d better find someone
else to chauffeur you around.”  She headed for the door.

“Fine,
whatever.  Hey, Bri?”

Bri
paused and turned.

“Are
you going shopping with us tomorrow?  We’re hitting all the early sales.”

“Um,
no thanks.”  Bri wanted to scoff, but decided to be polite.  “You
don’t want to see me that early in the morning.  I’m not very nice.” 

“Whatever. 
I just thought you’d want to do something fun for a change.  Guess
not.  You should try to be less boring Bri.  Guys don’t really do
boring,” Carly gave a patronizing smile.  She reached down and pulled out
her iPod, and switched it on.  “Close the door behind you.”  She
popped in her ear buds and sprawled out on Bri’s bed.

Smothering
her anger and annoyance, Bri shut Carly in her room.  Two and a half more
days.  She just had to survive two and a half more days.  It seemed
an eternity.

The
rest of the evening passed uneventfully.  Since Summer, Rachel, and Carly
were going shopping the next morning, everyone ended up going to bed fairly
early.

Later
that night, after she was pretty sure Carly was asleep, Bri pulled out her
phone.  She made sure to silence it, and sent a text to Cole.

Hey,
you still up?
  It was about 11:00.  She
waited a few minutes for an answer.

Of
course I am.  I was waiting for you, remember?

Sorry
it’s so late.  I had to wait until Psycho fell asleep.  She’s been
talking about you, by the way! 
Bri grinned.

Great. 
I was really hoping she’d forgotten I existed.

Oh,
no.  She’s been pondering, vigorously, all the amazing things she believes
you can do with your mouth.  She’s dying to find out if she’s right!
 
She teased.

Well,
at least she called that one right!  If you’re curious to find out, I’d be
more than happy to enlighten you!

Bri
burst out laughing, which she quickly smothered, not wanting to wake her
cousin.

Why,
Cole, are you flirting with me?
  She giggled.

What? 
Me?  Never!  You’re pretty funny Bri, you know that?

Of
course I do.  It’s one of my more charming qualities!

Yeah,
something like that!

Bri
chuckled again. 
Alright, enough with the text flirting! ;) We need to
make some plans.  When do I get to see you?

Um,
how about tomorrow?  I have some stuff to do in the morning, but we could
get together around 1:00ish.  We can hang out at my place, watch a movie
or something?

That
sounds great!  I’ll figure out a way to sneak out, and I’ll be there!

Good!
 

Bri
hesitated a moment, and then did something she knew was probably really stupid,
but she couldn’t seem to help herself.  She decided to be honest.

Oh,
and Cole?

What
Bri?

I
miss you
.  Bri’s heart started pounding as she waited
for his response.

I
know.  I miss you, too.

Goodnight,
Cole.

Sweet
dreams, Ambria.

Bri
was woken, quite unceremoniously, by the loud beeping of her alarm clock. 
Groaning, she reached over to shut off the annoying machine.  Her bleary
eyes caught sight of the time.  2:30 am.  Someone was going to die.

“What
the heck?” Bri shrieked, still half asleep, as Carly flipped her bedroom light
on.

“I
have to get ready.  Don’t whine, I’ll only be a minute,” Carly
replied.  Bri threw one of her throw pillows at her.

She
pulled her covers over her head and tried to go back to sleep, but she swore
Carly was trying to be as loud and obnoxious as possible, just to annoy
her.  Finally, Carly flipped the lights off and left.  A minute
later, Bri’s dad, looking like he’d just been pulled out of bed, walked in.

“Hey
Pumpkin,” Connor yawned.  “Summer wants to know if you’re sure you don’t
want to go this morning.  She thinks it’ll be more fun for Carly if you’re
there.”

“Well,
why doesn’t Summer come in and ask me herself, then?” Bri quipped
grumpily.  “Besides, she just doesn’t want to have to deal with Carly
herself.  She just wants me to go as a buffer.”

“Okay,
then.  I’ll let her know that it’s a resounding
no
from you.” 
He patted her head.  “Why don’t you get back to sleep.  You’re
downright unpleasant this early in the morning!” he smiled. 

“Well,
you all are dumb enough to keep waking me up,” Bri grumbled.  She snuggled
down into her blankets, and drifted off to sleep.

The
girls were still out shopping when Bri woke up, at a much more reasonable
hour.  So she spent the morning with her boys, sandwiched between Liam and
Logan, watching cartoons.  Her dad sat at the other end of the couch,
working on his laptop.  It was a perfect morning.

Bri
was in such a good mood, she even offered to make everyone lunch when Summer,
Rachel, and Carly finally returned around noon.  She reheated the
Thanksgiving leftovers, and after they were done eating, the crazy shoppers
trudged off to take a nap.

It
was getting close to 1:00, and Bri decided it was time to make her escape.