Beautiful Mess (18 page)

Bri
rode home with Summer and the twins.  She couldn’t help but smile as they
walked in and Summer let out a huge, tension releasing breath. 

“It’s
good to have our house back, isn’t it?”  She smiled at Summer in a rare
moment of solidarity.

“Yes,”
Summer smiled back.  “Yes, it is.”

Monday
afternoon in ceramics, Bri unceremoniously dropped her things down next to
Cole.

“Hey
there,” he smiled at her.  “You seem awfully chipper this afternoon,” he
laughed as she flopped into her seat with a grunt.

“I’m
exhausted,” Bri replied.  “I’m still recovering from Hurricane Carly, and
this morning at practice Belinda went all gestapo on us.  Yes, our first
competition is in a couple of weeks, but it won’t do her any good if we’re all
dead!  I am so not looking forward to practice tonight.”

“I’m
sorry.”  Cole’s eyes twinkled like he was anything but sorry, and Bri
swore he was holding in a laugh.

“Whatever,”
she shook her head at him.  “Anyway, I have a favor to ask.  Summer
is having her book club over at our house tomorrow night.  Is there any
way we could study at your place tomorrow?”

“You
want to come over to my house?”  He lifted a brow at her suggestively.

“To
study
,” she eyed him.  “If that’s okay?”

“Hmm,
I have one condition.”  Bri looked at him skeptically.  “You let me
come pick you up and take you home.”

Bri
grinned.  “Deal!”  Since overcoming her aversion to Cole’s Ducati,
she had eagerly accepted any offered ride.

There
was no complaining then on Tuesday, when Cole showed up at Bri’s house on his
motorcycle.  They walked into Cole’s house to find Jimmy, and a bunch of
his friends, sitting around a poker table in the middle of the living room.

“Dad!” 
Cole exclaimed, exasperated.  “I thought you said you guys would be out of
here by the time I got back!”

“Calm
down, we’re just finishing this hand and we’ll get out of your hair. 
Hello, Bri!” Jimmy smiled at her.  “Care to join us?”

Bri
was about to accept, when Cole leaned in and whispered in her ear.

“If
you say yes, they’ll never leave.  Just to warn you.”

“I’d
love to Jimmy, but Cole and I really should study tonight.  He has a big
test coming up.”

“Next
time, then,” Jimmy winked at her.

“Yeah,
sorry about this, Bri,” Cole said loudly, to make sure everyone could
hear.  “I told my dad yesterday that he’d have to have poker night
somewhere else tonight, but apparently he seems to have forgotten.”  He
eyed his dad meaningfully.

“Sorry,
Sport,” Jimmy grinned sheepishly.  “I promise we’ll be out of here in
fifteen minutes, twenty tops.”  He turned back to his card game.

“Why
don’t we go hang out in my room until they’re done?” Cole asked.  Bri
nodded and followed him to his room.  He shut the door behind her,
blocking out the noise from the living room.  Bri set her bag down, and
glanced around his room.  It looked just like she remembered, and still
had that same comfortable feel.

“Well,”
Cole let out a breath.  “Are you thirsty?  Why don’t you make
yourself at home, and I’ll go get us a couple of drinks?”

“That’d
be great, thanks!”

“Okay. 
Be back in a few.”  He ducked out of the room.

Left
alone, Bri wandered around, stopping when she noticed a sketch pad on the
nightstand.  Curious, she picked it up and flipped it open.  She
froze.  Shock, and something like panic, stopping her heart.

It
was her
.  A picture Cole had drawn of her
smiling.  She turned the next page, and the next.  A picture of her
laying out on the beach at Venice.  A surprisingly detailed drawing of her
face, a sad expression clouding her eyes.  A picture of just her eyes,
their amber hue startlingly pronounced. 

Bri’s
legs gave out as she frantically flipped through the sketchbook.  Her
heart pounding, she became more and more distressed with each page.  They
were
all
of her.  Some were just quick sketches, some were black
and white drawings, and some were very detailed in color.  The drawings
became more current the further she progressed through the book.  A
picture of her in her dance uniform, her from behind all dressed in black, and
finally, a drawing of her asleep against Cole’s chest.  She felt her
stomach lurch.  She was shocked, and horrified, and confused.  She
didn’t know what this meant, or even what to begin to make of it.  All she
knew was that she felt somehow violated and exposed.

The
sound of the doorknob turning caught Bri’s attention, her fear and panic
mounting as Cole walked in with a can of soda in each hand.

“Hey,
I...” Cole began.  Then he noticed the shocked, confused expression on her
face.  His eyes widened as they traveled down to the sketchbook in her
hands.  “What are you doing?”  He set the drinks on the desk and
stormed over to Bri, ripping the sketch book out of her hands.  “Where did
you get this?” he hissed angrily.

“It
was... it was just sitting on the nightstand.”  Bri was still too shocked
to even register his anger.  Her brain was momentarily frozen, refusing to
function.  She didn’t know whether she wanted to scream at him, or burst
into tears.

“Oh,
and so you just decided to snoop through my things?” his voice rose
incredulously.  “What the heck were you thinking?”

Bri
was only thinking one thing.

“It’s
me,” she said quietly, lifting her eyes to Cole.

“What?” 
He clutched the book tighter, fear gripping his eyes.

“It’s
me,” she pointed to the book.  “
Why
?  Why am I in there?” her
voice rose with panic.

“What? 
It’s nothing.  I was just working on human figures for my drawing
class.  I was practicing drawing people.”  He tried to brush her off,
like she was making a big deal out of nothing, but Bri could see the fear he
was trying to hide.

“There
weren’t any other people in there.  Just me.”  She finally looked
Cole in the eye.  Her shock was wearing off, anger and indignation rushing
in to take its place.  “What are you doing, Cole?  Why am I in
there?” she demanded.  

“You
want to know why?” Cole yelled, exasperated.  “Fine!  I’ll tell you
why.  You’re in here,” he lifted the sketch pad, “because I can’t get you
out of my freaking head!  You’re all I think about.  Ever since that
first day you showed up on the beach.  I’ve got you stuck in my head, and
no matter what I do, I can’t get you out!”  He ran a hand through his
hair, frustrated.  Taking a deep breath, he calmed down a little.  “I
can’t stop thinking about you, Ambria.  Not that I want to,” he finished quietly.

“What?”
Bri gasped.  A whole new slew of emotions rushed through her.  But,
not wanting to deal with them just yet, she pushed them aside.

“Come
on, Bri.  This shouldn’t come as such a big surprise.  I told you
last summer how I felt about you.”

“But...
but, that was months ago!  Everything is so different now,” she protested.

“And
you think my feelings for you have changed?” Cole replied, incredulous. 
He took a step towards her.

“I...
I don’t...” she faltered, her mind not able to process this.

“Bri,
nothing
has changed.  You are still the most beautiful,
interesting, amazing person I’ve ever met.”  He reached out and tucked a
lock of hair behind her ear.

“But...
what about Serena?”  Bri’s mind was finally beginning to function again,
though she was still confused.  “You two were together for months. 
How could you date her if you like me?”

Cole
let out a sigh.  “Serena was just a distraction.  You were so angry
at me, and you had every right to be, but I knew you wouldn’t give me another
chance.  I went back to Serena hoping to take my mind off of you. 
That’s the
only
reason.  We weren’t even officially dating or
anything.  I just...  I’ve been miserable without you.  I
thought being with someone else would help me move on or something.  But
it didn’t work.  In fact, it made things even worse because it just added
another layer of guilt, on top of everything else.  I’m so sorry,
Ambria.  I messed things up between us, I know that.  I made a lot of
mistakes, and I regret it more than you will ever know.  But, I really
like you, Bri.  I think we could have something special.  And I would
give anything,
do anything
, if you’d just give me a chance,” he pleaded.

The
honesty and openness on Cole’s face was almost irresistible.  For a moment
Bri wanted nothing more than to throw her arms around him, and give him the
chance he was asking for.  She was so tired of fighting her feelings for
him.  Yes, she definitely still had feelings for him.  She had tried
to bury them, convince herself that they didn’t exist, but they had never gone
away.  Now, Bri realized that they had been slowly edging their way back
to the surface for the past few weeks.  A very large part of her wanted to
give those feelings a chance, as she looked at him longingly.

“Please,
Bri,” he begged, stroking her cheek lightly.

Bri
dropped her gaze and took a deep breath.  It was all too much, too
overwhelming.  This just wasn’t something she could do right now. 
She took a moment to compose herself, before meeting Cole’s eyes.  When he
saw the expression on her face, he dropped his hand.

“I
don’t know what you want me to say, Cole,” she sighed.  “I’m not sure what
it is you want from me, and I’m really not sure I can give it to you.”

He
watched her impassively.  He crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed
his eyes, but said nothing.  Bri bent down and grabbed her bag.

“I’m
going to go now.  I’m sorry, but I need some time.  I just... I can’t
do this right now.”  She shook her head.  “Goodbye, Cole.”

As
Bri walked past him, Cole reached out and grabbed her arm, turning her back
towards him.

“Damn
it, Bri,” he growled.  “Don’t do this again.”

“Do
what?”  She tried to shrug out of his grip, but he just pulled her closer.

“You
know what!  You’re shutting me out again!  Every time we start to get
close, you get scared, and you push me away.  But I’m not letting you get
away with it anymore.”

“I
don’t know what you’re talking about,” she protested angrily, her heart
beginning to pound.  “I’m not doing anything!”

“Yes,
you are!” he yelled.  He was angry and frustrated and desperate, and she
could see it on his face.  “You keep everyone at a distance, especially
me.  You never let anybody get close enough to penetrate that huge wall
you’ve built up around your heart.  You refuse to let yourself be
vulnerable in any way.”

“No,
I don’t!  I...”

“Yes,
you do!  You never talk about yourself, about how you feel or what you
think.  You never talk about your mom, or even your life before you moved
here.  Whenever I ask you about anything remotely personal, you totally brush
me off!  You won’t even tell me about your tattoo, for crying out
loud!  I know you feel something for me, but you’re so freaking stubborn,
you refuse to even acknowledge it.  You refuse to open yourself up, to
take risks of any kind!  No, you’d rather sit in your safe little bubble,
where you don’t have to feel anything.  Where you can hide from anything
that even has the potential to cause you pain.  But the sad thing is that
by hiding, by letting fear control your life, you miss out on the things that
make life worth living.”

Bri
gaped, hurt by his accusations, and also by his perceptiveness.  But then
her temper flared, putting her back on the defensive, and she was overwhelmed
by the desire to hurt him back.  But more than that, she wanted to show
Cole that she saw through all of his crap, too.

“How
dare
you!” she seethed, finally pulling out of Cole’s grip.  “How
dare you stand there and accuse
me
of hiding, of being afraid!  You
are so afraid of disappointing everyone, that you can’t even be yourself! 
You purposely surround yourself with the most self-centered, shallow, obtuse
people you can, because you know that they won’t look any deeper than what they
see on the surface.  You date girls you know are incapable of caring about
anyone but themselves, so you won’t have to open up and share anything with
them.  You say I’m hiding? 
You
are the one who’s
hiding.  You’re the one who’s afraid.”  Bri took a deep breath, as
something she’d been puzzling over finally fit into place.

“That’s
why you’ve avoided real relationships.  All of your emotions are
superficial.  You only feel the easy, uncomplicated emotions.  Then,
when the infatuation has passed, or the possibility of you feeling something
deeper for someone comes up, you bail.  You end it before things get
complicated and messy.  Hell, are you even capable of feeling anything
deeper than infatuation or lust?  And you wonder why I’m so
cautious?  You wonder why I don’t fall all over you, like all the other
girls do?  Yes, I may keep people at a distance, and I may be protective
of my heart, but it’s because of guys like you.  Guys who are only after
whatever they can get out of you, without having to give or risk anything
themselves.  I may try to avoid it, but at least I do feel things,
deeply.  You, Cole, you don’t feel anything.” 

Bri
pushed past him, and stormed out of the now empty house, needing to get as far
away from him as possible.  Seeing Cole’s motorcycle parked in the
driveway brought her to an abrupt halt.  She’d forgotten that he was her
ride home.