Because of Kian (11 page)

“Fuck, I need you inside me,” I moaned.

“God, Brynn,” he breathed out, “do you have any condoms.”

I nearly cried. “No,
I don’t,” I sobbed. “I never expected to feel like this. Ever. I never expected you.”

“How about a vibe,
baby?”

My eyes flew open at the suggestion. His look was so intense, so full of need. I nodded my head towards the bedside table.
“In the drawer.”

With a smile full of promise, he reached into the drawer and pulled out my lovely Doc Johnson.

“Ass up and over me, baby,” he said, laying on his back. “I want to watch this thing in action. And I want your mouth on my dick.”

Oh fuck
.

He sure as hell didn’t have to tell me twice.
I wasted no time turning my body, straddling his shoulders as my lips closed over his throbbing cock. The satiny smooth skin and the steely hardness beneath it felt sinfully incredible against my tongue. I licked once up his length before taking him in my mouth, clear to the back of my throat, desperately trying to take him all. I was rewarded with a throaty moan and a bruising grasp on my hip.

“Fuck, Brynn,” he groaned.

Then I felt the smooth glide of the vibe, the wide head nudged inside me as he slowly turned on the power. I lost my concentration for a moment, breathing heavily with my face pressed against his length, as I reveled in the feel of him gently guiding the vibe in and out, pressing the curve of it against the walls of my aching pussy. With a frenzied motion, I began to stroke his length, savoring the salty precum that began to bead at the tip. My lips closed over his head again, gently sucking as my hand moved faster, squeezing ever so slightly with each upward thrust to extract a little more of the addictive taste of his cum.

My fingers gent
ly caressed his balls as I opened my throat to draw him deeper. A slight gagging sensation hit, but I sucked him down, ignoring the reflex as he fucked me harder with the vibe. His hips began to lift with a fluid, steady motion, bucking against my mouth. A sharp moan ripped from my throat, around his massive cock, as I felt the ripples of ecstasy begin to take me higher. Then his lips closed over my clit again with the vibe buried deep inside me, and I detonated over him, jerking against his hard body and drawing deep on his length as he erupted down my throat.

I rolled to my side, my breathing ragged and my heart pounding in my chest. Kian’s fingertips skimmed the bare skin of my hip as the world around me came back into focus,
then began to fade as exhaustion started to take me. I sleepily registered his movements when he lifted me to straighten my lethargic body on the bed with my head on the pillow, tucked securely in his arms.

Kian was
magnificent at improv.

• Basket Case ~ Green Day
  
• Save Me From Myself ~ Christina Aguilera
  
• Birth ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
  

Kian

Things changed after that night.

We started Brynn’s lessons again. Starting on Tuesday after she got off work, and through the rest of the week. Every night.

And we fucked in the gym… again.
And again and again.

She started going back to Hyper.
Actually, we went to Hyper together. Well, we split up as we walked through the door, but went to and from there together. After the gym, we’d stop by her place and shower. Sometimes we didn’t make it to Hyper. But when we did go, we went back to her place after… together. I stayed there every night.

S
he bought a fuckload of condoms, and they were put to extraordinarily good use. I started carrying more than one at a time in my wallet. Just doing my part to be prepared.

But,
while things were incredible when we were alone together, for some reason that I couldn’t quite figure out, she was extremely wary of public displays of affection. It was kind of like this was our own dirty little secret. A
fucking amazing
dirty little secret.

She did tell Sage, though.

And Sage told Jeff.

And Jeff gave me a ton of shit. But I couldn’t have cared less.
Because every night, I had her in my arms. Everything about her was intoxicating. Every murmur in her dreams, every soft touch of her delicate hands, every bit of her.

I learned that the amazing way she smelled was from a body lotion she used. The bottle said
plumeria
, and she had asked me to slather some on her back after showering one morning.

So I massaged it deeply into her skin
. I pushed her face-first down onto the bed, and continued to rub the lotion in along the deliciously round curve of her ass, along her slender thighs, and high arches of her feet. And then I flipped her over and did her front, too.

She was supposed to be getting ready for work.
She ended up calling in to cancel four appointments.

Sheer.
Fucking. Heaven.

Brynn

A summer storm was drifting down from the mountains. Not full of lightning and thunder, but steady. A few heavy raindrops fell around me, chilling my skin after the hot day.

It was
a Monday, my day off, and I had been lying on my rooftop sunbathing. Kian had gone to his gym a few hours ago to give lessons to the after school crowd. The heat rose from the asphalt streets below, and the sun shone brightly still, in spite of the raindrops that fell intermittently around me.

Gotta love mountain weather.

I rose from the chaise lounge and walked to the short wall along the edge of the roof, looking down over the streets below. My building was only seven stories tall, although that was a veritable skyscraper for a Montana city of this size.

As the wind picked up a little, I turned to face it, allowing my hair to blow back, and I reflected on the changes my life had taken lately.

Mostly, I thought about Kian.

Things seemed so incredible when we were together.
Impenetrable. I thought back before I’d met him, before I came to Bitterroot, and I tried to remember if I had ever felt like this with Evan. With anyone. It all seemed so foreign, this secure feeling, the empowerment I was discovering in my sexuality.

Because of that, a nagging fear twisted at my gut.
There was still something I was holding back. I was still fucked up. I knew that, even if Kian didn’t really. Even though I’d never been completely honest with him about what I craved. The fear began to swell in my throat, and my eyes closed against the rising wind.

I wasn’t good for him.
For anyone.

Climbing up onto the wall, I balanced on the ledge above the city and felt the push of the breeze against my body.
My arms rose to touch the sky, and I leaned into a heavy gust a little, letting my subconscious panic response take over. The fear in my mind faded, the fear of myself, as the innate sense of self-preservation pulled me back from the edge.

God,
I wished I was normal. But I was quite the opposite, really. I hadn’t been normal since before Evan. It seemed that getting the shit beating out of me on a regular basis had warped my psyche.

“Brynn?”

I turned quickly at Kian’s concerned tone. His breathing was labored, as though he just finished a marathon. Yet he seemed to be holding it in, as though he was afraid a deep breath would blow me over the edge.

“Hey,” I said softly.

“What are you doing?”

I gnawed at my lip nervously. He’d seen me.
How the fuck was I supposed to explain what he’d witnessed
? I wasn’t sure I understood it myself.

“It’s, um… it’s a way I deal with stress.”

“What, almost committing suicide?” he growled.

“I wouldn’t jump
. That’s not what it is.”

“Then what is it
? Fucking hell, I saw you from the street. I thought you were a goner.”

“I never pretended to be sane, Kian. You know I’m a little fucked in the head.
” I lowered myself to sit on the ledge, facing him with the city behind me. “When I first moved here, I was so scared of everything. Every noise and stranger and shadow. My therapist can only do so much. But this...” I motioned behind me and looked over the city as the sun began to set. Kian stepped closer. “I stand here and feel the wind push me. Leaning into it, over the space below, it gives a real, true sense of danger. It’s like it kinda erases all my irrational, emotional fear. It shows me what I should really be afraid of.”

“So,
have you mentioned this to your shrink?” He still looked shocked, almost angry. An anger born of worry.

“She knows I take a few risks. I’m
still trying to work through some shit, you know.”

Kian cocked his head.
“Evan?”

“Evan,” I agreed, “but it’s a little more than it may appear.
There’s more there than him just being an abusive bastard. More than I told you.” I looked down at my fingers twisted together, then slanted a glance over at him to see him studying me intently. I gave a caustic, empty laugh and shook my head.

“What is it?” Kian asked.

“This is going to sound pretty fucked up,” I warned him.

“
You can’t scare me away that easy, baby,” he smiled sadly as I hopped down from the ledge and turned to face the city below. He stepped closer and came to stand behind me. His heavy arms wrapped around me as the clouds began to take on a golden pink glow, painted by the setting sun. “Try me.”

I took a deep breath, leaning back against him. Wondering if this would be the tipping point. The straw that broke the camel’s back.
All my fuckupness culminating in one bizarre kink.

But I had to tell him sometime. It had been eating me up inside, knowing he thought I was so…
normal
.

“
So, he actually kinda creeped me out a little at first,” I started. Turning in his arms to face him, I pulled back ever so slightly from the circle of his embrace. I wanted to carefully gauge his response. “Right out of the gate, I was a little uncertain. And, oddly, I found it a little…
appealing
. He was always very nice. Very polite and reserved. But it was like there was something underlying. And then, one day, he… he snapped a little.”

“How?”
Kian’s voice was growing a bit growly as I spoke. The sound I’d heard when he’d chased Evan away. When we’d talked about Evan before. About his stepdad. That dangerous
‘I’m gonna kick someone’s ass’
kind of voice.

“
My whole life, I’ve always been such a people pleaser,” I admitted. “I’ve never been one for confrontation, probably because I’d never really had to deal with it much. But, one day, I was planning to go shopping with a friend of mine, and he told me no. Just like that. No. Not that he’d have rather I didn’t or that he had plans to do something else with me or anything. Just… no. Like it was his choice and not mine.” I gave Kian a wry smile. “It was so strange and abrupt that I thought at first he was joking. I just laughed and said it wasn’t really his decision.” I paused for a moment, wishing I could go back a little while, before he had seen me up on the roof, and take this moment away. It scared me. I’d grown too comfortable with his presence, his strength.

“What did he do, Brynn?” he ground out in a firm growl
.

“He
grabbed my arm rather brutally, pulled me up against him. He told me he’d said no and that was it. The conversation was over. He threw me down and walked away.” My brow furrowed, and quietly murmured a little more. “But, that wasn’t what really shook me.”

I paused for a moment and studied him, wondering how this was going to freak him out.
I could see the clench in his jaw, highlighted by the quickly setting sun. There was a sense of animosity emanating from him. And we’d only really talked about what Evan did so far. I hadn’t said much about how I responded.

I sat there
thoughtfully considering this discussion. Wondering why I was baring this dark secret to him.
Was I trying to push him away?
I’d never really told anyone else, except maybe Rose, but she got paid to listen to how fucked up I was. While I wondered, Kian waited patiently for me to start talking again.

So, f
inally, I did.

“
My first thought,” I started with a hitch in my breath and my eyes dropped down to the faded logo on his t-shirt, “was that it was kinda… hot.”

Kian’s breath caught
and my heart skipped a beat.

“
I was actually rather excited by it.” I waited for a response, but Kian stood silently, saying nothing. Finally, I lifted my gaze to his.

There was no shock. No disgust. He didn’t look at me like I was completely bananas
… even if I
was
completely bananas. I didn’t have the brain function to decipher his expression, but the lack of disgust gave me courage to continue.

“I’d never seen that side of him, and
it intrigued me a little. I remember looking in the mirror the next day, actually
admiring
the bruises he’d left on my arm. There was a twinge of excitement at the lingering pain in my hip where I’d landed. It felt wrong and twisted. But after that, from time to time, I pushed him to do it again… intentionally. I actually
wanted
that weird little thrill I got when he flipped the switch. It gave me a rush that I’d never had before.” I glanced away, out over the darkening sky as the streetlights began to flicker to life across the city. “I’m kinda messed up, huh?”

“Not so messed up, really.” Kian’s voice calmed me as he spoke.

“No,” I shook my head, “I’m messed up. That excitement I’d get when I’d see the first spark of anger in him, it was kinda like a drug. I think, though, it made him angry that I liked it, and he’d hit me harder. Once in a while, he’d really snap and that… that was bad. It didn’t happen every time, but it didn’t take long before the bad shit started to outweigh the good. The next thing I knew, it was all excruciating. No more rush.” I swallowed hard, my guilt eating me alive.

“Did you ever
call the cops or something?” Kian asked softly, concern and anger melding in his gaze. “He was really hurting you.”

“But
I was asking for it. Begging for it, really.”

“To the extent that he
took it? Taking his anger out on you that way.”

“
I didn’t know it would hurt that bad at first. By the time it got to be too much, I felt sort of... stuck somehow. It was my fault. I’d brought that out in him. So I tried to fix it. I tried to fix him, to put him back the way he was before. I became docile and adapting. When he said jump, I’d ask how high. All that shit. Walking on fucking eggshells everywhere I went.” I turned back to the look back over the city. “So, I started to shut myself away from everyone else to please him. He didn’t like me talking to my family much, so I quit calling them. He didn’t like me doing things with my friends, so I started staying in. He didn’t like the people I worked with, so I became all but a stranger to them. I just evaporated from the life around me. For the most part, things calmed. But every now and then, I’d fuck up again and he’d lose his cool.”