Because of Kian (18 page)

• Nutshell ~ Alice in Chains
  
• Stay ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
  
• Breathe Again ~ Sara Bareilles
  

Kian

A few tortuous hours later and she
was back.

Standing in the doorway to my apartment
.

“I’m so sorry.” Her voice was almost inaudible and a fat tear began to roll down her cheek.

I reached for her, wanting to pull her closer, but she stepped back and shook her head.

“No,” she whispered out with a shaky breath. “Just… just listen.” Her eyes filled and spilled over, and quiet, wracking sobs pulled at her chest. “I know what Holly said was bullshit. I know that’s not you.” A dainty hand brushed the wetness from her cheeks and she looked up at me. “But you were right. I was looking for an out.”

I tried to step closer, but again, she stepped back, this time holding up her hand as she fought to control her breathing. Gulping in air and shaking.

“Because you’re a good man.
You deserve so much more than me.”

“Brynn, I don’t
want
anybody but you,” I argued fiercely.

“Maybe not now, not while this is fresh and raw.
But, Kian… you’ll go on. You’ll find someone. Someone who’s not…” Her voice trailed off. “I’m so fucked up,” she whispered between hiccupping sobs.

This time, I ignored her protests and stepped forward before she could react, wrapping her tightly in my arms. Her trembling form shook with quiet sobs, tears pouring down her cheek
.

“Brynn, you can’t just walk away from this. I know this means something to you.”

“It does. You do. I just can’t… I can’t do this anymore.” Her hands rose to cover her eyes. “I love you too much to do this to you. I’ll go to shit over and over. I’ll fuck things up again and again. And that’s not fair to you.”

“I don’t want to let you go. I
won’t
let you go, Brynn.”

She pulled back slightly, her luminous eyes finding my own burning ones. She was ripping my heart right out of my chest. “You have to.
You can’t fix me.”

“
No… fuck,” I groaned, and cupped her face in my hands. She leaned against my palm, and the choking gasps increased. “Stay… stay with me.” I leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips, tasting the saltiness of her tears. “Stay with me, Brynn.”

As I deepened the kiss, she slowly began to respond. “I can’t,” she sobbed quietly against my lips
and followed it with another sweetly sad kiss. “I can’t. I love you too much.”

“If you love me, then stay.”

“Kian—” she started, but I cut her off with a hard, desperate kiss.

I could make her stay.

I had to.

I pulled her closer, pressing her body against mine.
Wrapping her in my arms and confining her until she felt secure. Her fear was debilitating, pulling her away, but I couldn’t let it win.

The tighter I held her,
though, the more she cried. A burn in my eyes coincided with the jagged pain in my heart. I could taste the tears that ran down her cheeks, taste how badly she wanted to stay.

I guided her down the hall to my bedroom, pulling her shirt
away, my fingers tangling in her hair as her lips nipped at my collarbone. Pushing her down on the bed, I pulled my shirt off and wrenched her jeans down her smooth, soft thighs.

The scent of her ripped through me, the fine intoxicating blend of Hawaii and her intense arousal, and I collapsed down on her, cradling her delicate form beneath me. Ravenously, I kissed her, pouring my heart into her
, trying to nourish her fragile soul with my strength. Her fingertips brushed against the button fly of my jeans, and then I was free, throbbing in her hand and fighting the urge come apart right there.

Quickly, I shucked off my jeans and she pulled me back to her, settling me between her soft thighs, against her hot, wet center. My hands fisted in her hair, pulling lightly as she moaned against me, against the tight grip as I slowly pushed myself inside her. Her breath caught again, tightening her sweet pussy around me, and my lips explored her damp cheeks.

“I love you,” she breathed against my neck. “I’ll always love you, Kian.”

That’s when I knew.

She was really leaving.

She was
truly saying goodbye.

“Brynn,” I whispered against her eyelids, “
you have to stay.”

But she only pulled me closer, digging her nails into my lower back with a sob, guiding me to gently glide in and out of her.

“Stay, baby,” I breathed into the crook of her neck as she tightened rhythmically around my dick, “I love you.”

“I love you, Kian,” she said with a shaky breath. “
I love you so much.” Her hands slid around my body and up my chest to cradle my face. Her sweet lips tasted mine reverently as I rocked against her, and I wrapped my arms tightly around her, sheltering her in the warmth. Our voices hushed. Over and over, she whispered that she loved me. Over and over, I begged for her to stay.

The slow sweetness began to grow fervent, began to draw on
our animalistic, primal desires. With a loud cry, she detonated beneath me, shaking violently with the intensity of her orgasm, and I poured myself inside her. The wetness of her intense passion combined with my explosive release. Our movements slowed as I came inside her, shuddering with ecstasy, still moving to draw out the sensation. It was quite simply the sweetest slide of skin on skin I’d ever felt.

As we floated back down from the haze of em
otion and lust, I realized we hadn’t used a condom.

In all my life, I’d never been
so caught up with someone that I’d been careless.

But a little part of me, a sadistically warped part of me that didn’t give a fuck what the repercussions could be, tingled with the knowledge that I’d marked her and I’d claimed her. She bore my scent and I’d filled her up.

Somehow, this would tie us together.

It had to.

“Stay… stay with me,” I whispered.

Her arms tightened around me and she shook with a fragile sounding sob. Her lips pressed hard a
gainst the skin of my shoulder as she cried harder, coarse and ragged breaths mixing with agonized weeping.

“I love you, Kian.” Her
fingers combed through my hair as her voice softly caressed my ear with inconsistent hiccupping breaths.

I didn’t want to sleep. I tried to stay awa
ke, to keep her with me. I held her and loved her with everything I had. But, in the end, I slipped into the darkness, awakening to an empty bed and the realization that she was gone.

• City ~ Sara Bareilles
  
• The Story ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars
  

Brynn

The melancholy was shriveling my insides.

He called almost nonstop at first. I didn’t answer the phone. Then he came to my place. I didn’t answer the door. He sent a gazillion text messages. I deleted them without reading a single one
.

Through it all,
I missed him.

Every d
ay, every minute, every second.

I even
fell apart in front of Mattie as I sat picking my food at Sage’s table one night. The kid talked a mile a minute, nonstop, and she had asked me if I was ever going to have kids.

“
Because you’re nice and you’d be a great mommy. And Kian would make a great daddy.”

And I burst into tears.

Poor little Mattie was stunned.

“It’s okay, monkey,” Sage had quickly told her. “Why don’t
you go get that soft purple blankie that always makes you feel better. Maybe it will help Brynn feel better, too.”

“Is she okay, mommy?” Mattie asked tearfully.

“Yeah, she’s just not feeling very good. Run quick and get it, Mattie.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered after the little girl had left the room.
“Poor kid. I think I freaked her out.” The blanket did make me feel a little better. Or perhaps it was the sweet little girl who wrapped her warm baby arms around me in a loving hug.

But I still felt bad for freaking her out.

So, I decided I needed some time alone. Away from everyone. I couldn’t function like a normal person. Like I was completely out of breath and had no will to inhale.

Sage sent me a text the following night.

S: Dinner?

Me: No, I’m good.

S: I highly doubt that.

I just stared at her words, numb and unable to respond. To argue what really was the truth. Spot on
.

S: Sorry.
Mattie misses you.

Me: I miss her too.

S: We’re all worried about you… all of us.

Me:
All of us?

S:
Me. The guys. Kian.

Tears instantly filled my eyes as I responded
.

Me:
You shouldn’t worry. Any of you. Gotta go.

I didn’t wait for Sage to respond, but rather quickly shut off my phone.
Just seeing his name slayed me. I sat there for a few moments holding it to my heart, trying so hard to keep it in. Trying to keep it together. Everything. To stay strong. More than anything, I wanted his arms around me. I’d never felt more resilient and strong than when he held me.

Stay… stay with me
.

His voice echoed through my mind, a ghostly whisper calling out to me.
A broken plea. A burden of my own fear.

And the tears started… again.
That pissed me off. It was all so much easier before he’d shown me how to cry.

I had to get out of my
apartment. I couldn’t breathe. In a panic, I ran up the stairs to the roof. Out into the star-filled night, looking over the city.

At some point,
all this had to get better, right?

He’d become all I wanted. I’d been searching for so long, for shelter and strength and… love. And
he’d
found
me
.

He’d found me and…
he loved me
.

Goosebumps covered my skin as
the cool fall breeze swirled around me. But the cold was welcoming. The physical misery fused with the cracking of my heart, the sharp tearing of my soul.

So
, I closed up. I withdrew into a psychological cocoon of nothing. As was my usual pattern, I closed in. I shut down. I was listless when awake, but mostly I slept.

I cancelled appointments with clients.

I cancelled appointments with Rose.

She was good, but she wasn’t good enough to make sense of my puzzling mind. Not even
she could help fill this burning hole in my heart. I was ashamed. I was afraid. I was desperately lonely, but felt the need to dwell in my agony.

I hated myself for what I’d done. For taking the sweetest thing I’d ever tasted and forcing it away.
Cutting it right out of my barely beating heart.

Some nights, the need was palpable. I dreamed of him,
waking with tear-stained pillows. He quite simply held my soul in his hands, and I was a brittle shell without him. Over and over I told myself that I just needed time. Time to forget, to figure out what was next.

The days passed and, while I didn’t feel better, I did feel less. I took a couple hair appointments out of necessity. Afterwards, I
came straight home, shutting off my phone and climbing the stairs to the roof. Avoiding everyone and everything.

I couldn’t eat. I didn’t want to drink. I only wanted the city lights.
Both to remember and forget how it felt to be up here with him. To feel his hands on me, his throaty voice in my ear as he moved against me. It was almost like I could still feel him here as I sat above the city every night.

To jar the sadness from my bones, I
climbed up onto the ledge and leaned way over the ledge waiting for the fear to bring me back to baseline. To take over and erase the purulence that twisted my insides and tortured my soul.

But I felt nothing.

Nothing but the burn so deep that I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover. I almost wanted to fall, to forget. To quit obsessing over trying to forget my obsession. Trying to carve the lonely sadness from my chest. Remembering when I had last felt whole.

It
was when Kian had last held me. When he loved me.

Right before
I left him.

The wind began to pick up, icy
with the chill of early fall. But all I felt was the cold trail of tears as they coursed down my cheeks.

Kian

The first chance I got, the first time my afterschool kids showed up, I pulled Holly aside. Her eyes lit up as I motioned for her to step out into the hallway with me.

“I know what you did, Holly,” I started.

She flashed her most seductive smile and reached up to run a long red fingernail down my chest.

“I have no idea what you mean, Kian,” she purred
.

In a flash, I slapped her hand away.

“Drop the fucking act, you evil bitch,” I spat. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

Her smile faltered slightly. “I did you a favor. Just wait until you try me. She’s not half the woman I am.”

“Ain’t gonna happen.” The emphatic tone to my voice felt cold and surreal. I’d only truly hated a handful of people in my life. My stepfather. Some dickhead from junior high who used to trash-talk my family. Evan.

And now this fucking bitch.

“Oh, please, Kian,” she mewled. “You can’t possibly want her more than me.”

“Bitch, I’d take anyone in the fucking world over you.” As I started into the gym, I
glanced back to her with distain. “I feel sorry for your kid, to have a mother like you. So he’s still welcome here. But you’re not. You can drop him off and wait outside. You can have a friend bring him. Or better yet, maybe his dad. Because I’d like to shake that fucker’s hand for cutting you loose.”

True to my word, I never once took it out on the kid. Wasn’t his fault his mom was such a nasty, awful
bitch. He continued to come to my lessons, but, for the most part, Holly stayed outside or had someone else bring him. One time, she started to step into the gym, but with a harsh glare and a motion to the door, she lowered her eyes and left.

In the first couple days, I tried to see Brynn. I tried to call, but she never answered. I just got her voicemail over and over. And she
didn’t return my calls. I went to her work, but she was rarely, if ever, there. I went to her house, but she never answered the door. Her apartment exuded an emptiness, a forlorn feel, that made everything seem so bereft.

I finally turned to Sage.
She wasn’t very helpful.

“
She barely even talks to me at this point, Kian. She just keeps saying that she needs some time alone.”

So I tried. I tried so fucking hard to give her what she needed.

As the days turned into weeks, and the weather began to turn cool. The leaves turned and began to fall. Brynn had essentially gone off the grid. Sage called periodically to check on her, but the conversations were one-sided with short, monosyllable responses. Sage kept me updated, mostly because I’d about gone off my nut one night.

“It’s like she’s… h
ibernating, Kian. She’s gone underground to heal.”

I went through all the stages of grief
, and, that night, I hit anger.

“She doesn’t fucking have to be wounded, Sage,” I growled.

God, I missed her
.

Everything reminded me of her from the time I woke up to this misery to the time I finally fell asleep at night.

I was very nearly at the end of my rope as I walked into Hyper one night, up to the bar, and motioned for Sage, my only tenuous connection to Brynn.

Every night,
I’d come in. Hoping to get a glimpse of her, even if it was her getting over me. As much as it hurt to lose her, I desperately wanted her to be okay. I kept thinking that she’d just show up again. That I’d turn my head and see her walking through the door or losing herself in the music as she danced.

Appearing on my doorstep like before.

“Anything?” I asked as Sage walked over to me.

She remorsefully shook h
er head. “Nothing. Sorry, Kian. I haven’t even been able to reach her tonight.”

“Try again,” I said softly. “Just make sure she’s okay.”

Sage pulled her phone from her pocket, brought up Brynn’s contact, and hit send.

“Brynn,
” she said after a minute. “Hey… It’s Sage.”

I watched the emotion play out on Sage’s face.
The worry and the sadness.

“I know, but I just wanted to check on you. Wanted to make sure you’re okay.” She listened for a moment before she spoke again. “And Kian’s worried—” she said before stopping abruptly. “Maybe you should talk to him—” and then she frowned
, looking up at me and shaking her head sadly. The conversation evidently wasn’t going well. “Brynn—” She hit the end button on her phone, and that tenuous tie was once again broken.

Brynn

“I’m fine,” I reassured Sage over the phone as I stepped off the elevator on my floor of the building. I was heading home after an exhausting couple hours at work. Pretending that my heart wasn’t shattered was wearing me down. I had finally answered one of Sage’s frequent calls, but was wishing I hadn’t. She meant well. She missed me. I missed her, too. And Mattie. But I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be alone in my sorrow.

“Maybe you should talk to him—”