Because of Lucy (7 page)

Chapter 13

NESS

Evan is in my bed when I wake up. The cynical side of me expected him to disappear in the night. I climb out and push our clothes into a pile with my toes as I slip on my robe. Evan is lying with his arm above his head, his face soft with sleep. His smooth chest is eminently kissable and I have to fight the desire to sneak back into bed and wake him up. Before I do anything like that, I decide I need to gauge the situation. A strong coffee will help the thought process.

I return with two warm mugs and find Evan sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing only his jeans. He’s facing away from me, ear pressed to his phone. I admire the muscles knitting in his back, marred a little by some nail marks. Heat flares through me at the memory of the night before.

“Everything okay?” I ask.

Evan starts and twists his head round. “Yeah…” He puts the phone on the top of my drawers. He doesn’t sound sure.

Handing him the coffee, I perch next to him, tense.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“I think so.
”
Cra
p
, this was bound to be awkward.

Evan takes the mugs from my hands and sets both on the drawers next to his phone. He brushes my tangled hair from my eyes. “I hope so.”

My lips are swollen from last night, face smarting from where his stubble scratched me but as he kisses me, his taste reawakens everything. I could so easily lose myself in him again.

Evan pulls back and rests his head on mine. “So, do you still respect me?”

I smile. “Maybe.”

Evan reaches for his T-shirt and I want to pout at him for getting dressed. “So, we should go on a date now? That’s if you want to, now you’ve got what you want from me?”

“Yeah, well…” I examine my nails. “If I have time, I’ll call you.”

We look at each other and laugh, an easygoing understanding. He plants a kiss on my forehead. “Seriously, though. I want to take you out somewhere.”

Abby’s bedroom door bangs as she crosses the hallway. Evan looks up. “Is Matt still downstairs?”

The change of pace drags me back to the here and now. I’d almost forgotten about Matt. “No.”

“I should try and find him…”

My plan to keep Evan in my bed today dissipates. Then I remember I’m working this afternoon anyway. Real life sucks. Regret at my rejection of a student existence tugs at me.

“Okay.” I hope he’s not making excuses.

Evan’s phone rings and he jumps, eyes darting towards it. No, not this again.

“Popular guy,” I say.

“Yeah, I switched it off last night.”

Evan drains his coffee, picks up his phone and stands to leave. A sick feeling replaces my happy afterglow.

He bends over me, takes my face in his warm hands and kisses me softly. “I’ve got to find Matt. But I’ll call you about going out. Are you free tonight?”

I nod, even though I doubt he’s going to look for Matt.

Evan may have switched his phone off last night but something pulls him back to it now. Someone.

****

EVAN

I knock repeatedly on Matt’s door until he swears at me and I know he’s back safely. Later we’ll have the discussion, no way am I getting caught between the two lovers again. Sure, the evening ended well for me. Extremely well. But I don’t want to be running around looking out for people.

I think of Ness while I shower, summoning up images of her - us - as the warm water washes over me. To say the events were unexpected is an understatement. And I don’t know how I feel about everything. About her. She’s gorgeous, sexy and oh so clever but I don’t know what to do. Being with her is comfortable, the sparring fun, but I worry about things getting intense. I respect her and I’ll let her know what I’m thinking, how I don’t want a relationship.

Maybe I’m over-thinking things like a girl would. Maybe she only wants me for my body. I laugh at the idea, even when girls say they only want a physical relationship, they can’t keep things that way. We’ll have some fun, see how things go. The sex was mind-blowing and that’s a good enough reason to keep going. I’ll call her.

I pull on a clean t-shirt and jeans, look at my phone screen
.
Cra
p
. Out of charge. I plug in the phone and a number appears on the screen.

He’s not called me for weeks. And he’s been trying for an hour.

Fuc
k
.

I sit on the bed and stare, knowing what this means. Why can’t he deal with her instead of dragging me back into the mess? But if he’s calling, there’s a reason. I dial the number.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“You need to come back.” His voice is agitated, music blaring in the background.

“Why? I can’t.”

“I can’t cope, Evan. You have to come and help me.” The speech is slurred. It’s eleven am.

“You’re in the fuckin
g
pu
b
? That’s not going to help!”

“Evan, please. I wouldn’t ask but…”

Wouldn’t ask? He’s done nothing but ask. Every time, dumping this shit on me. Making me responsible.

“No.”

The music fades as he moves. “If you don’t come back, I don’t know what she’s going to do.”

“Don’t you fucking start! Her guilt trips are bad enough without you starting.”

“What if she disappears again? I’ve told her to wait, that you’ll come and see her. She’s been looking for you.”

“Yeah, I know. She tried calling a couple of weeks ago. I thought she’d given up.”

“And I didn’t tell her where you are, which I could’ve done.”

Emotional blackmail. My mind circles around my options. The desperate desire to cling onto my present and not be dragged back there. To the past. I haven’t been back to Lancaster since I left. Have zero desire to.

“I can’t do it.”

“I’m desperate. Or I wouldn’t call. Evan, please. Help me out here.”

I draw in a huge breath and hold it until the lack of oxygen makes me dizzy. He sounds so drunk, pathetic. Desperate. I let the breath out and bang my head against the wall.

“If I come back, it’s for the weekend only.”

Unwanted memories follow me into the car, and call me back to Lancaster. To the past and away from my new life. Because of Lucy. Suddenly I remember my present. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I text an apology to Ness, tell her I’ll call after the weekend. Explaining is too hard right now.

Chapter 14

NESS

The text from Evan shouldn’t be a surprise but the words are still a punch in the gut. Embarrassment not anger is my immediate emotion - I did the seducing, this wasn’t a case of letting myself go too far after a drunken night out. I knew Evan’s history and before I did anything with him, I told myself this would be the outcome. A glimmer of trust appeared after his behavior the morning after, when he arranged to meet me. An outright thanks and goodbye would’ve been preferable, why lie? I never took Evan for a coward.

The odds of the ‘I’ll call you next week’ occurring seem slim. One good thing, I haven’t told Abby what happened so I’ve saved myself humiliation there.

Despite efforts to push the hurt away, my mind-numbing job leaves my brain space to mull over the encounter. Typical insecurities sneak in. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? But seriously, would anything I did or didn’t do matter? I don’t want a friends with benefits relationship, so screw him. Oh yeah, I already did...

The weekend passes by, and my peace with the situation gradually increases, as I repeatedly remind myself this was all my own doing.

Monday comes and goes, and despite my attempts to not think about him, each time my phone rings my heart skips. Of course he doesn’t call. Or on Tuesday. Or Wednesday. By Thursday the hyperventilating every time I hear my ring tone ceases.

Since Matt arrived on our doorstep, Abby has returned to her old life but not gone back to him. I think something about his weakness bolstered her - he’s called her everyday and she smiles each time she cancels his call. Fantastic she’s moved on, not so great as this means a new set of students invading the house.

A text from Evan arrives out of the blue a few days later and I stare at the words blankly. His motivation puzzles me and I decide he’s looking for more sex. Maybe his killer body and poetry are failing him. I smile at the memory of our banter, Evan’s quick-wittedness hiding the typical male psyche underneath. I ignore him.

Since that text is the only one he sends, I conclude my suspicions were right.

I’m still getting crap at work about sales figures and I’m over the pressure there too. The idea of leaving and traveling for a year becomes more tempting each day. Research on my laptop encourages the idea - plenty of girls go it alone, meet up and travel together. What do I have to lose?

I have some serious thinking to do about life, and removing myself from everything for a few months could bring the clarity I need. Working in this job is clearly not the right path but no way will I enroll into university with an ‘I told you so’ from my parents. I have to at least try and show them there’s more to life than the one they want me to have. Pictures of foreign beaches and blogs about travel adventures fill my spare time. Hell, maybe I won’t even come back.

****

EVAN

Lucy and the past screw life up even from a distance. My foolish belief leaving Lancaster, and the nightmare of the last few years behind, is possible goes. Dutifully, I return to help, pulled straight into the old ways and old emotions. I vowed never to put myself through the pain again; Lucy isn’t my responsibility. But I care too much. How can I not?

Sitting in my old room, looking at the Pennines in the distance, I can’t breathe. Trapped again. Getting away again once Lucy sucks me back is hard; a week goes by before I escape back to Leeds.

The student environment is alien after the events of my week away, and I can’t reconnect. The cloud of Lucy pulls me down still and I want to see Ness. Nobody else in Leeds has a connection to me like her; she’s also on the edge of the world I’m struggling to return to. I can relax around her, be more like myself. Or as much as I can be around someone else. Everyone I talk to at
uni holds onto their old lives, talk excitedly about their past. Ness understands, she’s like me. The control of the past needs to be escaped. Childhood is gone.

My text gets ignored. I can’t blame her. The idea of contacting her while I was away crossed my mind a couple of times but the need to keep the two worlds separate stopped me calling. Big mistake.

So I guess our attachment is done with, and I need to try harder to reconnect with others. Switch off Lancaster, turn on Leeds and hope Lucy stays where the hell she is.

****

NESS

The grey skies linger all day and the winter chill arrives sooner than in Cheltenham. Few leaves litter the grassed areas of campus now, as autumn ends. The golden hues remaining on the trees lining the path capture my attention, as the increasingly rare sunshine brightens the afternoon. I don’t get out of the car anymore when I come to pick up Abby because I don’t want to bump into Evan. Several weeks on, I think the event is dealt with in my mind, but seeing him would drag up the humiliation, which won’t quite leave me.

Some days, as I wait, I see guys who my jittery mind convinces me are Evan, until they get closer and I see they’re not. Today the guy is definitely him. I recognize the jacket he’s wearing and brown hair flops into his eyes as he strides confidently across campus. Alone. Why did my heart jump a little when I noticed he wasn’t with a girl? I sink down in the car seat, praying he doesn’t look over. My fingers hover around the ignition but I chastise myself. What difference does it make if he sees me or not?

Evan pauses to talk to someone, whoever they are, obscured by his tall frame. He steps to one side and turns
.
Oh my go
d
. Abby. They continue the conversation as he keeps glancing over at the car. I feel sick, chest tightening. Don’t come over. Please. I repeat the words like a mantra. When Abby approaches alone, I exhale the breath I’ve been holding. Disappointment twinges inside - my mantra worked.

“I just saw Evan,” says Abby as she climbs in.

“Yeah? How is he?” I summon a breezy, nonchalant tone. I still haven’t told her what happened the night he stayed.

“Good, I think. He asked after you.”

“Mmm?” My inability to speak comes out as a squeak.

Abby takes her gloves off. “Did something happen? That night Matt came round?”

“You’ve asked me before. Numerous times. No, it didn’t.”

“Okay. My best friend sixth sense tells me otherwise. You’ve gone white and your hands are shaking.”

I sit on my betraying hands. Saying anymore would confirm her suspicions.

“He asked you to call him.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know! Call him and ask!” She pauses. “Maybe he wants to get you into bed again.”

“Abby!” I hastily turn the key in the ignition, and jam the car into gear.

“Me thinks the lady doth protest too much,” she says. And giggles.