Because of You (12 page)

Kyle

My heart’s pounding, and I’m at a loss. Maddie is here, in my bed. Her hair lies across her face like a silk scarf. Her hands are tucked under her cheek. She mentioned the pact we made. A long time ago. When we barely understood what we were promising each other.

“Why is my dad such an asshole?” I wipe angry tears off my face. Stare up at my boring white ceiling. Watch the light flicker. The bulb’s been about to die for weeks.

Maddie shuts my window and plops next to me on my bed. “I watched him leave. He seemed…um, grouchy.”

I snort. Rub my jaw in the spot where my dad hit me. “That’s an understatement.” But that’s Maddie. Always kind. Always tries to see the best in people. Including me.

She pats my stomach, and I tingle. Maddie has a way of making me feel better, no matter what’s happening. “I’m sorry, Kyle.”

“Yeah, me too.” I shrug. Push the pillow behind my head into a ball and lean against it. “But what can I do?”

She rifles around in her bag, pulls out an ice pack, and hands it to me.

I’m sure shock is the expression plastered across my face. How does she always know exactly what I need? I press the cool pack against my jaw, and sigh. It feels good. “Thanks.”

“Wanna listen to my new CD?”

I smile. Because despite my ass-of-a-father, being around Maddie makes it impossible to be sad. “If it’s a song about bringing sexy back, Freckles, I swear I’ll snap it in half.” I laugh, and she smacks me on the arm with the case.

“Rude! I guess I’ll put it away.” She goes to stuff it back in her bag, and I grab it from her hands.

“The Fray?” I ask, looking at it while holding it above her head so she can’t reach it.

“Give it back.” She giggles. One of my favorite sounds.

I stand on the bed, holding the CD out of her reach. She stands too. Tries to get it back. Her hands pulling on my arm as we jump. She trips in the covers and falls into me. We both go down, and she ends up on top of me. Our faces are inches apart.

“Give it,” she says again, her voice quiet.

I can feel her heart beating rapidly against my chest.

“Kiss me first,” I say.

Her gaze takes in my lips. Focuses on my eyes. I’m mesmerized by the way her features change so I can almost always tell what she’s thinking. Like right now she’s thoughtful. And as excited about what’s happening between us as I am.

“Like on the mouth?” she asks. A finger absently strokes her bottom lip.

I grab the finger and kiss it. “Yeah.”

It seems like a perfectly natural thing. She’s my best friend. The person I care about most in this world. Kissing her would be awesome.

Her eyes find my lips again. “Um,” she says, climbing off me and the bed.

I sit up, waiting for her response. Hand her the CD. She walks to the player, puts the disc in. Turns up the volume. When she turns back, she’s smiling.

“I—okay,” she says, tucking her hands in her back pockets.

“Let’s make a pact.”

The music blares from the speakers. Maddie sits next to me. “What? Like a kissing pact?”

Love is an emotion I’m not familiar with, but as I watch Maddie’s eyes, the way her cheeks scrunch when she smiles, I think that’s what I feel for her. But I’d never tell her that. It’s uncool. Unmanly.

“Kissing.” I pause, considering how I want to say what I want to say. “Everything. We’ll be each other’s first. At it all. We can practice, get really good. You know, for when we’re older.”

She squashes her eyes shut, then nods. “Okay.”

“Repeat after me.” Maddie opens her eyes. Smiles. “Ready?”

She nods.

“I, Maddie Martin, swear to save all my firsts for Kyle Hadley. Including, but not limited to…” I trail off, and wait for her to copy my words.

“I, Maddie Martin, swear to save all my firsts for Kyle Hadley.” My breath hitches when she says my name.

She’s beautiful.

Maddie continues, “Including, but not limited to.”

She blushes, and the shriveled mess that is my heart swells.

“Kissing. Hickeys. Uh, touching,” I say.

“Kyle, don’t be a perv.”

“I’m not being pervy, just trying to cover all the bases,” I say, realizing I really want to cover all the bases, with her and no one else.

Maddie is the best person I’ve ever known. More than beautiful, she’s kind and fun and sweet.

“Fine.” She shakes her head. “Kissing. Hickeys. And touching.” She repeats. “Anything else?”

“Sex, for sure.”

Her face gets even redder. “Holy crap. I had no idea.”

“Say it.” My body is warm, and so, so hoping she’ll agree. Never in all my eleven years have I ever felt so much for one person.

“Sex.” Maddie covers her face with her hands. From behind her hands she clears her throat. “Repeat after me.” She peeks around her fingers. “I, Kyle Hadley, do swear never to tell anyone about this pact.” She smacks my thigh, and I grab her hand in mine.

“I, Kyle Hadley, swear never to tell anyone about this pact.”

She nods. Then surprises me. “When should we start practicing?”

My heart is racing. A thickness surges in the back of my throat. “Saturday night?”

“Okay. Just kissing though.” She smiles, her huge, dazzling smile. “Brace-face.”

I swallow, squeeze her hand lightly. “Freckles.”

“Frizz Head.” She smacks me in the arm.

“Fish Lips.”

“Hey,” she says, and laughs.

“I’m teasing. You have the most beautiful lips…” I trail off, my eyes focused on them. I want to kiss her now. Right this second.

As I watch her sleep, I realize the feelings I had for her at the age of eleven have grown. And I still want to kiss her. More than anything. The emotions are stronger than I ever believed possible.

We never got the chance to practice. Her parents were killed a couple of days later, and she was gone.

Regret momentarily bruises my chest. I didn’t keep my promises. But I know there’s no sense dwelling on it. I can’t change the past any more than I can fix it.

I pull off my pants, slip off my shirt, and slide into bed beside her. She rolls over, facing me. Still fast asleep. I can’t help but study her, the angle of her jaw and the arch in her brows. Her long lashes. Even with smeared makeup, she’s so beautiful. One of her hands reaches out. I take it and wrap it in mine. Kiss each fingertip.

“Maddie. Can you hear me?”

She nods slightly.

“I’m so glad you’re here. Please let me be a part of your life.”

She sighs, and I can’t help it. I rub my thumb against her lips. Stroke her jaw, brush the hair off her face. The urge to kiss her is almost unbearable. But I resist. Not yet.

I let my head fall against the pillow and close my eyes. Allow myself to relax. It dawns on me I’m content. Happy. With that knowledge comes apprehension. In my life contentment equals change. And that usually isn’t good.

Maddie

I wake abruptly, my head pounding. Open my eyes and push back a scream.

Where am I?

There’s pressure across my middle, and I look down. Even in the dark I can make out an arm. A guy’s arm. It’s resting across my stomach. I turn my head ever so slightly and see him.

It’s Kyle. He’s lying on his stomach. Half his face buried in a pillow. Nervous dread swallows me whole.

What have I done?

Carefully, so carefully, I try to scoot out from under his arm. I can’t be here. I can’t. I can’t. But I have no idea where
here
is. I don’t remember leaving the party. Did we walk? Drive?

Everything after the fourth Jell-O shot is wiped. Panic sets in. Did he drug me? Did we do it?

Please, no.

And, Gina! I ditched her again. She probably thinks I’m the worst friend. She wouldn’t be wrong. Sick horror fills my throat.

I scoot further away.

His hand tightens around my waist. “Don’t go,” Kyle mumbles.

“I-How did I get here?”

His eyes open and he lifts up onto his forearms. My eyes take hold of his defined arm muscles and the rumpled waves in his hair. His features are soft from just waking and I see the boy I love in his features.

Oh my.

He seems to notice where his hand is and grips my waist tighter, pulling me closer. “Nothing happened,” he says, probably reading the terrified look on my face.

“Okay,” I answer, grateful.

Every part of my body wants to believe he’s telling the truth. My first time is definitely something I want to remember. My heart is beating so fast I fear it’ll burst through my chest, my skin, and reveal all my secrets.

His face shifts nearer to mine. I almost reach up and trace his jaw line, his nose, and those lips. Run my fingers through his untamed hair, down the muscles on his back, his arms, and his chest, but I hold back.

“You asked me to kiss you.” He’s close, so close I can almost taste him.

My face gets hot as the sun. I’m afraid I’ll burn him with my humiliation. “I’m sorry.” I peer at him. “I shouldn’t have.”

“I can do it now if you’d like.” His voice is gruff, coursing with the desire I feel but can’t show.

My heart is bleeding, tearing itself into pieces. I want him to kiss me. I do. More than anything. But if we were to go there, then what?

“Don’t worry about it,” I say, looking away.

Kyle blows out a frustrated breath, and stands. I can’t help but notice he’s in nothing but boxer-briefs. They hug his legs, his butt in all the right places. He picks up a shirt and jerks it over his head. His body fascinates me, the way his back muscles tense when he moves.

“You should be more careful. If you’re going to go to a party, there are rules, like don’t have more than one shot and one regular drink, especially since you’re obviously such a lightweight.” He drags on his pants.

My eyes follow his movements, but I keep quiet, too shocked that he’s scolding me to say anything in response.

He goes on, “And for hell’s sake, never, ever leave a party by yourself with someone you don’t know. I could’ve been an axe murderer.” He shoots me a glare, his jaw tensing.

I want to say that I know him or knew him, but whatever. I’m going along with the stupid game he’s playing.

“You’re lucky I didn’t take advantage of you.” He runs his hands through his hair, goes over to his dresser and picks up his phone.

I’m stupefied again. Watching him move is like hearing a heartbreaking melody. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.

I swallow. His words have me boiling with shame. He’s right. Every word he said is almost the exact lecture I received from my aunt when she dropped me off at college. But what he’s too dense to see is that I already know him. I already love him. We made each other promises.

You were children
, my mind shouts.

“I’ll take you home. You’re staying in the dorms?”

“Yeah.”

I untangle the sheets and climb out of his bed. I’m still in my dress. Obviously nothing happened. That says a lot about the guy. He could’ve done whatever he wanted, but he didn’t. He took care of me, kept me safe.

“Thanks,” I add.

“Don’t thank me yet. You left the party with me. People saw us together. Nearly every person at that party knows what happens when I leave with a girl.”

My mouth drops open, and I think of the girls he was with in the cafeteria. The ones wearing the slut shoes. Gina said he likes kinky sex. My thoughts are spiraling into a dark place I never even imagined. Two girls. Handcuffs. Whips. I glance at Kyle. He doesn’t look like that kind of guy. But then I’m clueless. Maybe most guys like what he likes.

Is he saying people will think I’m into whatever he’s into? Ugh, it’s so frustrating. While my mind is swimming in wild thoughts, my thighs are lit up like the Fourth of July. Obviously sex is about a lot more than having babies.

“Mind if I turn on a light?” Kyle asks, pulling me out of my contemplations.

“No.” I can’t seem to find my shoes, or more specifically, Gina’s shoes.

The light flickers on and I catch him staring. “So, there might be talk—about you. I’m sorry.”

He’s apologizing? I can’t believe it. There’s no doubt that if Stuart had taken me back to his place, the scenario would be different. I might not be a virgin any longer.

And I can’t help but think of Gina. Is that what she meant when she said she
asked for it
? My stomach twists and my head whirls. I have to sit back down.

He walks over and picks up a glass full of water and two white pills. “I tried to get you to take these last night.”

I take the glass and the pills.

“They’re pain relievers. Nothing dangerous.” I hear the smile in his voice and look up.

“Thanks.” I drink them down in two swallows and set the glass back on the nightstand. The water is refreshing. He’s refreshing. I don’t see or sense an evil bone in his body.