Because You Love Me (Falling for You, Book Three) (4 page)

I shut off the TV with a groan. What the fuck was happening to me? Sitting here with knots in my throat and a heaviness that made me want to shut out all light sources and mourn. What was next? Ben and Jerry's? Calling up some therapist so I could share my feelings?

Or you could call up the one person that matters. Share your feelings. All of them.

I gripped the last shreds of my masculinity, kicking myself because I knew it wasn't so much my 'man' card being called into question as it was my stubbornness. And this was progress, wasn't it? I was going to call her. Again. Reach out. Again. I'd even managed to quiet the voice in my head that shouted that I hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't about right and wrong and keeping score. I wasn't too proud to admit that letting Penny get away would be the biggest mistake of my life. If that meant that I needed to call and leave her messages until her mailbox was full, I'd do that. I'd wait outside her door, in between my meetings, send flowers to her school, show her that we had something worth fighting for.

I flicked my thumb and landed on her contact, bringing up the message bubble, then deciding against it. I didn't want my words to get lost in translation. What needed to be said needed verbalization, my lips, my words, direct to her ears—and hopefully, her heart.

Every ring seemed louder than the last, hope flickering wildly. Dangerously. Just when I was ready to accept that I'd be leaving another message, the rings ceased.

The line was silent, so I glanced at the screen to make sure the call was still connected. It was.

"Hello?" I asked tentatively.

I heard a rustling, followed by a whispered syllable. "Hi."

I shot to my feet, a wave of relief sending shock through my entire system. I caught my reflection in the television and my cheeks flushed. I'd become that dude. Wrapped up in someone. In fucking love. I wish I could say it was familiar, because then I'd have some sort of rule book, but I had no idea how to navigate this. The last time I was close was Jenna, and the way I was feeling right now, like everything would be okay, like a condemned man who just got a stay of execution, was a whole new, terrifying world. We hadn't even said more than one word to each other and I was already grinning like an idiot who could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wiped the smile off my face, clearing my throat gruffly. "Thank you for taking my call."

There was an awkward pause. "You're welcome, I guess."

Business mode was my default mode when I felt unsteady. I wasn't so good at this romance stuff, but walking into a room and being the consummate professional that took charge and delivered was my talent. I couldn't 'business' my way into Penny's heart. I stopped trying to reach for something solid, hiding behind the armor of Xander Wade. If the past few hours had taught me anything it was that all the money, all the titles and prestige meant next to nothing if I didn't have Penny.

"Let me just start off by saying that I-"

"Can we get off the phone?"

I nearly crushed my cell. "You answered the phone just to tell me you don't want to talk on the phone?"

"No, I answered the phone because I wanted  you to tell security I'm not just some crazed stalker so I can come up and see you."

I sputtered some words and she told me she'd see me in a few minutes. I stood frozen in place, my phone still pressed against my ear long after the call ended. The last time she'd been over I'd been obsessed about everything being perfect, nothing out of place since I was going to drop the bomb that I wanted more. That I wanted something real with her. Now I needed to prove to her that we still had something real. That betting on me, despite my ex turning up, despite the way we met, was worth the risk.

Since everything was shut off except the nerves that had taken hostage of my limbs, her timid knock sounded like the police were at the door with a battering ram.

I smoothed a hand through my hair, striding toward the door with more confidence than I felt. I pulled it open and fought the urge to scoop her into my arms. Her big eyes widened like she was surprised I was answering the door at all. Mine centered on the weariness all over her face. It was 2AM and she looked like she just wanted to collapse, but she had to get her shit in order first. She didn't wait for an invitation, breezing right past me. She had her hands stuffed in her jacket, in all black with her honey brown hair wild and free. Her eyes didn't know where to land, flitting across the countertops, the fridge, the light fixture, me, then scurrying to safer territory.

She pulled her hands from her pockets, her eyes still on the floor. "The whole cab ride over here I rushed through all the things I wanted to say to you. Now that I'm here, I have no idea what to say to you."

I knew I was being presumptuous, but I couldn't help myself. I moved closer to her and stroked her cheek. When she nuzzled my hand, I gently tipped her chin upward and waited for her fiery eyes to meet mine.

"You're here. Coming here was the hardest part and that means more to me than I can express."

Her eyes had a wild sheen of emotion as she placed her hand over mine, her shoulders relaxing. "To be honest, I kind of expected you to tell them to throw me out of here."

"Because I'm such a heartless s.o.b?" I joked, unable to smooth the edge around my words.

She didn't flinch. "Because I ran, instead of like, challenging Jenna to a duel."

"A...duel?" I repeated, sure my ears were playing tricks on me, a smile cautiously tugging my lips.

She nodded solemnly, but her eyes had the playful spark that undid me every time. "It would have gone down in history as the baddest beat down that had ever been, uh, beat down."

Laughter spilled from my lips as I tucked hair behind her ears and cupped her face in my hands. "I didn't know you were such a bad ass, Penny Robertson."

The spark in her eyes softened, her chin trembling. "I don't think that's true. You're the one that's always told me that I was stronger than everyone gives me credit for. Than even I give myself credit for. And you're right." She erased the distance between us, her body pressed against mine, her chin lifted as she stared up at me with every star shining right in front of me. "I'm sorry that I ran, Xander. I could give you lots of excuses. How I was afraid. How I didn't think I could measure against her-"

"I have to interject." I leaned down until our foreheads were practically kissing, breathing in that sweet and warm scent. It had become as comforting as something cool and wet on a hot summer day, as vital as oxygen, and more alluring than anything I'd ever known. "There is no way to measure against her, because Jenna was a figment of my imagination. Even if everything we had wasn't a lie, no one has ever moved me the way you move me. No one has ever made me believe that love was real and powerful and worth everything. Until you."

She stepped back, her eyes widening in awe before she wheeled around, not facing me. She didn't say anything, but from the way her shoulders shuddered, I knew she was crying.

"Fuck, I wasn't trying to make you cry," I winced, wanting to pull her back in my arms, but not wanting to hurt her any further. "Baby, I'm trying to say that for the first time I think that happiness is not only something I can have, but it's something I deserve."

"I'm not crying because I'm sad," she sniffled, still not facing me. "I mean, I am sad, because yesterday was stacking up to be the best day ever before my sister popped over with her little surprise. I'm crying because even now, when you have every right to be pissed, to write me off for not trusting you, you're still here." She spun to me, her cheeks wet, eyes bleary and pleading. "Why are you still here? Why are you so freaking perfect?"

"Oh, I'm far from perfect, love," I replied softly.

"Right," she huffed, ticking off a list to support her assessment. "I look like a wet, greasy rat with 80's hair." She pointed at her shirt that I noticed was adorably on backwards. "Just look at me. And you look like you just strolled off the pages of GQ or some other hot men’s magazine. I booked it out of there today without a glance backwards-"

"That's not exactly true," I smirked. "I could have sworn I remember you looking back in the cab."

Her cheeks turned an even deeper red. "And yet, I didn't tell him to come back. And I ignored you. And then I just show up here and you're not even mad at me!"

"So you want me to be mad at you?" I knew that wasn't true, but I wanted to help her see that I wasn't going anywhere. "I was hurt that you assumed that I was lying to you and had something happening with my ex all along. But I realized something even more egregious. Why wouldn't you? We met at a sex club. I'm pretty sure I propositioned you before I even knew your name. Then I take you to a bar and tell you I'll pay you thousands of dollars to pretend you're my woman. You have a day from hell and instead of asking you what you needed, I swept you away for the afternoon. I didn't give you enough credit for not slapping me across the face the night we met, and I didn't give myself enough credit to know that it was possible for someone to want me for me. Not as Xander Wade. As a man that had nothing to give but his heart and his support."

She looked up at me with so much love that I couldn't help myself. I claimed her mouth, everything in me, my fear, my need, my desire, my hope, weaved in and out of my lips. My tongue connected with hers and she melted in my arms, throwing her head back as she arched into the kiss. This kiss was so much more than apologies, we found each other; stripped and bare and open. When I let go, my lips hovering above hers, I knew I couldn't wait one more second.

"I love you, Penny."

Her eyes flew open, her arms shooting up as she gripped me like my words almost knocked her out flat. "I just want you to know that I almost said, ‘you do?’ but I realized that I don't want the first time that you said ‘I love you’ to be followed by some stupid rhetorical question." She winced. "And now, until the end of time, the first time you told me that you loved me, I rambled on like an idiot instead of just saying what's in my heart." She gave her head a shake and cleared her throat like she was getting a do-over. She crooked a finger and beckoned me to come closer. She pressed her lips against mine. Her kiss was my answer, but just in case I missed it, her lips raced across my jaw and pecked my ear. "I love you too." She lowered her feet flat on the ground, looking up at me with the same spunk that had first tugged at my heartstrings and ignited an insatiable desire to have my way with her. "Man, if all of our arguments are going to end with a kiss, we should argue all the time."

"Oh, we're not done arguing," I teased. There was another need that was making being this close to her, fully clothed, no longer an acceptable state of being. I beckoned her this time, moving to the couch. She was right behind me, but I held out a hand that stopped her in her tracks.

"Certainly you were aware that making me wait and blow up your phone would come with some consequences." My cock stirred with anticipation. When she dropped her caramel eyes to my groin, then her cheeks flushed when she dashed back up like she’d done something naughty, I had to rein in the desire to say the hell with it and fuck her on the counter. There would be time for that. Right now, I wanted her to follow my explicit instructions. I wanted her to surrender to me so I could give her indescribable pleasure.

"C-consequences?" It wasn't apprehension that kept her at a safe distance. I saw the way her hands trembled, her fingers toying with the hem of her shirt. She wanted to tear off her clothes and get to the good part. Deliciously insatiable, just like me. The other half I didn't know I was missing. The one thing I couldn't live without.

"Consequences," I said firmly, collecting myself as something a little taboo, a little kinky teased my imagination. "Take off your leggings-nothing else-and come lie across my lap."

I
almost asked him to repeat himself, even though I'd heard him loud and clear. I'd been listening since I brought the phone to my ear in the lobby. His timing had been spot on. I had just marched into his apartment building like I not only deserved to walk on the marble floors, but like I was a very important person, on very important business. My kick butt state of mind fell flat when I came face-to-face with a security guard who gave me a look that told me he had no problem sending me packing. I gave him Xander's name, and I had a feeling he must have been the cream of the crop because the guard's dark eyebrows had perked and he sat a little taller and informed me that all guests had to be approved by Mr. Wade daily, and his list was blank. The whole ‘I'm his girlfriend’ thing didn't even faze him—and then my phone cut through the silence. I dug through my purse and answered it without even thinking...and remembered that Xander had been calling all day and I’d been ignoring it. What would I say to explain myself? What could I say?

My brain had run through every scenario for why he was calling. The first was that he called one last time just to tell me to fuck off. Or he’d laugh when I asked to come up, telling me I was eight hours too late. Silence was the most painful hypothetical, especially since up until the phone call he’d texted and left messages asking me to call back and talk to him. That old, familiar insecurity whispered that he’d reached his breaking point and there was nothing left to say. But he’d told the guard that I was okay. He’d even called me his girlfriend. Not the woman who was more headache than she was worth. Or the runaway bridesmaid. Not his
ex
-girlfriend. The elevator ride up I reminded myself that he wasn’t the one that kicked me to the curb. I was the one that left in a hurry and was laying low. Hiding.

When I opened the door and looked into his wild green eyes, I saw how foolish I had been. I’d been looking at him and Jenna through jealousy colored glasses because I knew that the look he gave me was for me. It was a tantalizing mix of ‘God, I want to be inside you’ and ‘Are you ok?’ and ‘I want to take you in my arms and never let you go’. I felt every conflict, desire, and something I never thought I’d find in that look.