Becoming A Slave (4 page)

it is sired and fed by fantasy, must be rooted in the possible. What’s possible, of course, is incredibly varied. It is possible to find a partner with the wherewithal to fulfil a fantasy for long-term confinement, for instance. Whether or not that is
probable
is another story, but probability must also be taken into account. So possibility must be weighed with probability and the true seeker for a master wil do al he or she can to improve the probability of success.

Refine your fantasy into a practical vision about yourself, your partner-to-be, and your future life together. By looking at your M/s relationship in terms of reciprocal characteristics, you can evaluate your fitness for each characteristic and thereby gain an understanding of your future partner’s characteristics as wel .

There are a large number of attributes we can consider and I am certain that there’s no way I can list and explain al of them. In fact, such a list could be self-defeating as none of us has a crystal ball foretel ing what the future wil hold when it comes to partnerships. The first caveat, then, is to keep your vision flexible and your options open.

History is a strong indicator that the person whom you least expect, when you least expect it, wil present him or herself as an almost perfect fit. No one is perfect, but “almost” is certainly better than no one.

In al of this, I have to emphasize the necessity of what I call

“clicking,” an especial y important attribute. It is that elusive quality of knowing that the other is just right. The knowing is part intel ectual, part emotional, part physical, and general y indescribable. Without reason, though there may be lots of reasons, the other is the one with whom you click -- and you know that al fantasy, reason, and pragmatism will give way for you to accommodate him or her into your life.

What each of my partners have shared is that for various reasons each of them had qualities that made them just right, even if they didn’t have the qualities that I was seeking. For that matter, when I met most of them, I wasn’t even seeking a relationship. That is certainly the case with Master Lynn, whom I met for a simple scene and ended serving for five years. When we met, I instinctively knew he would make a wonderful partner -- and he did. It was a matter of the right chemistry at the right time.

Authority and Obedience

The primary characteristics in the M/s relationship are the complementary attributes of authority and obedience. Unlike more common relationships where these two factors are relegated under other characteristics such as love, finances, or friendship, the master and slave are wont to structure their lives within these two attributes; the master recognizing, acknowledging, and exercising authority over 17

his slave who grants him or her that position; likewise the slave pledges, desires, and practices obedience as that which is due to his or her master.

Herein the complementary nature of the relationship is most clearly seen. The master can have no more authority than the slave is wil ing to grant by the act of his act of submission and the manifestation of his or her obedience. Without obedience, authority is meaningless.

Without authority there is no one to obey.

In the final analysis it is the degree to which authority is exercised and obedience given that determines the quality and the depth of the M/s relationship. It’s not that other relationships don’t have aspects of authority and obedience, as they most certainly do. What is unique about this relationship is the primacy of these two attributes. It’s here, of course, that the greatest amount of misinformation abounds.

Few, for instance, understand the degree to which authority may be demanded, expected, and expressed, especial y when obedience is sought outside of the context of sexual gratification.

Many, on the other hand, think that obedience is only meant as a role-playing game, that authority comes without responsibility, or that the exercise of authority is without restraint. As we’l see in later chapters, al characteristics of human relationships have limits. Such is the case here as wel .

There are many other complementary characteristics: domination and service, sadism and masochism, receiving and giving pleasure, control and surrender, and adoration and devotion to name but a few.

The importance and energy each couple places on each of these characteristics al play a part in creating and determining the kind of relationship you have.

As we shall see, control and surrender are expressions of authority and obedience. Sadomasochism may or may not be part of the M/s relationship. Both master and slave wil have to give and receive, though in different ways.

In considering M/s relationships, start with my tried and true generalization: “Every relationship is defined by the two (or more) people in the relationship.” I know that we would al like to have ready-made, one size fits al rules for being master and slave but life just isn’t that way. It is the right of every kinky person to decide how they want to live their lives. Everyone, with their partner, creates their unique relationship.

The way some people pontificate you’d think that wasn’t the case. Dogmatism has no place in our lifestyle. While we certainly all should heed the words safe, sane, and consensual, even they give us a wide berth for playing and determining what those words mean for 18

us as individuals.

I purposeful y used the word “people” because both tops and bottoms can be dogmatic. Many cal themselves master when they control no one, sometimes not even themselves. Even in a scene, they have no authority to move their bottoms to action for any length of time. Fetish play, being a mutual y enjoyable activity (we hope!) hardly involves control. In fact it is often the bottom with his infamous safe word who is in control. The top in reality “serves” the bottom’s needs by participating in the fetish.

Like the word slave, the word master refers not to a sexual position or inclination but to one who is in a relationship with a slave.

Anyone can be a top. It takes two to make a master.

Dominance and Submission

My dictionary gives me a rather clear place to start when it comes to the word dominance: “The condition or fact of being dominant.”

Wel , OK, maybe it’s not that clear so let me look down the page for the word dominant: “Exercising the most influence or control; governing; most prominent in position or prevalence.”

This is the essence of the M in M/s. Notice that there is no mention of power or pain. Those aspects wil have to be negotiated when you mutual y determine how broad the influence is and how much control is exercised. It is real y about granting your master or mistress first place, though not necessarily having that relationship with the rest of the folks in the dungeon.

Looking elsewhere in the dictionary we see that submission is “The act of submitting to the power of another; the state of having submitted.” Refining the definition further by looking at the word submit, we find that it means “To yield or surrender (oneself) to the wil or authority of another.” Those words are more to my liking and closer to the point of what we expect in M/s.

I think it’s noteworthy to see that while M/s does involve the exchange of power, the exchange is more precisely begun by the submissive, not the dominant. Note that in the definition of the word dominance, the word “most” is a qualifier. The submissive exercises influence and control in the relationship as wel . The operative word in the definition of the word submit is surrender. In my experience it is the act of surrender and the degree to which it takes place that creates the D/s relationship. For me, that means that the dominant is not the aggressor so much as he or she is the recipient. Dom(mes) don’t take power. They receive it. This understanding puts the relationship on a very sound basis, one that is entirely consensual.

This line of thinking then brings me to another word I used 19

a great deal in
Partners In Power
,
continuum
, that is “A continuous extent, succession, or whole no part of which can be distinguished from neighboring parts except by arbitrary division.” Yes, we would like to have clear-cut distinctions between Masters, Doms, Tops, and Daddies (of any and al genders and orientations) but such is not to be. The continuum stretches from the most demanding dictator to the most permissive top. Your D/s relationship can be strict or easy-going, intense or care-free, temporary or long term, al -the-time (often cal ed 24/7) or only when scheduled. You see, I’m going to retreat to my previous statement: It is up to the two (or more) of you to determine what works for you.

For example, there is a wel -know master/slave couple who cause many of us to shake our heads. The slave is loud, aggressive, and appears to the casual observer to be the one in control. Who are we to judge? If they enjoy their relationship (and they certainly do) that is what matters.

In order to clarify the nature of D/s it’s helpful to remember that top and bottom are positions and do NOT necessarily determine dominance or submission. We can too easily fal into a category-trap, labeling what we do with simplistic words that indicate an act without analyzing the act’s intent. Topping, after al , can be a very submissive act and bottoms can be very much in control. That’s one of the reasons that M/s can be so confusing. What you see may not be what is happening.

If we refine our dictionary search further we can turn to the pages where we find master: “A person having control over the action of another or others,” and slave: “One bound in servitude to a person or household as an instrument of labor.” Going a bit further in today’s vocabulary lesson, we find that servitude is “Submission to a master.”

As a more intense form of D/s, the master/slave relationship, then, is defined by greater control. Note that it is not simply control but “control over the action of another or others.” The M/s relationship can be best evaluated by the extent to which control is expressed in action. Giving a few orders, which may or may not be actual y done, over the Internet is certainly a different degree of control than one has over a slave who lives in one’s home and performs his or her required actions throughout the day, week, month, and year.

I admit to being a writer but for me my D/s has got to involve more than words. Actions speak louder than words in every case and bring greater satisfaction.

In any case, “voluntary servitude” rather than slavery is a more appropriate name to describe our Master/slave relationship, since it is both consensual and service-oriented. Words, though, change only 20

slowly and I’m not about to introduce my slave as my volunteer servant.

It just doesn’t have the same erotic ring to it.

What, then, are the characteristics of a healthy M/s relationship?

Which attributes do the master and slave share and which are more appropriately the slave’s? Responsibility is certainly a shared attribute, as are trustworthiness, security, satisfaction, and empowerment. Let me take one of these at a time.

Responsibility

I once took a two weeks’ trip to my ancestral homes in Sicily, so my slave Patrick was going to be on his own. Knowing that, a friend casual y asked if I had appointed a guardian master over him for the duration. Later I joked to Patrick about my absence and told him about the question. He then noted that he had made an adult decision to be my slave and was adult enough to take care of himself when I was gone. “Wel said,” I thought, when he gave me that response.

Because so much information about the master/slave lifestyle deals with kink and sex and has fiction as its source, there is this myth that we live irresponsible lives. In fact, for folks real y involved in our lifestyle (as contrasted to those who only dream) nothing could be further from the truth.

Responsibility is the ability to respond. As adults we know how to appropriately respond to various situations, keeping our priorities correctly aligned, and our responses correct (we hope). In that light, there isn’t, nor can there be, any abnegation of duty or safety. Sure we’re in this for fun, but we recognize that there is a time and place for everything and we keep everything in its place.

David Stein, one of the authors of the Gay Male SM Activists’28

preamble that gave rise to Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) notes that the expression was “intended to draw lines between SM behavior we wanted to encourage and other behavior we wanted to distance ourselves from.”29 To distinguish our behavior from that which is irresponsible and abusive is a burden that lies upon us al ; to foster positive, healthy, and enjoyable sexual activity and to discourage the opposite is up to us. (You’l find more on abuse in chapter nine.) In this regard there are many distinctions that may and should be made. Slaves, for instance, are not children when it comes to their ability to decide correctly. As regards the law, one can never renounce their freedom to choose, nor their obligation to decide rightly. “Because my master told me to” is never an excuse for misbehavior, carelessness, 28

A New York based educational group.

29

Stein, David, “Safe Sane Consensual: The Evolution of a Shibboleth,” which can be found on the Internet at “http://www.lthredge.com/ds/history.htm.”

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injury, or the like.

Though fiction feeds our libido and in some ways instructs our imagination, we are stil subject to life on this planet, including its legal, moral, social, and physical rules. I am far from being a conformist but that gives me no right to be dangerous, il egal, or immoral. The truest forms of our lifestyles are honest and trustworthy, neither deceitful nor dangerous.

Sure we take risks and play on the edge, but we do so with information and appropriate safeguards. We are risk-aware
and
take steps to minimize injury, disease, and contention. We insure that we are consensual and in control of ourselves and our play, even when we knowingly give that control to another.

Looking at a slave’s life, for instance, wil most often show a hard-working, conscientious, and caring person, living a life that in many respects is much like anyone else’s. The myth of captivity in the basement or of continuous bondage is just that, with little substance or basis in reality. Slaves general y work outside the home and have substantial responsibilities domestical y as wel . Patrick, for instance, as per our agreement maintains our home, decides our weekly menu, and makes many daily choices that affect how we both live. He works ful -time and is also a partner in an on-line commercial endeavor.