Before I Break (16 page)

Suddenly I felt very badly about not telling him that I was leaving. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to tell him, I just didn’t want to have to explain why I was going away for the break. Deciding to talk to him later, I pocketed my phone and focused on the scenery and the blanket on white that covered everything in sight. Living in South Carolina all of my life, I barely saw snow, not like this, and even though I was freezing my buttocks off, I enjoyed the view.

The guesthouse was more gorgeous in person. In their backyard, the house was two stories high, with three bedrooms and one bath, a small living room with a couch and a loveseat, and a kitchen for us to make our food. It felt almost like a real house that we were living in together as friends. After Denise and Susan left, we all picked our rooms—Melissa and Avery called the ones upstairs, so I got the downstairs, which was actually nice because it was the biggest.

We all put our things away and met up in the living room where Avery sat on the couch and Melissa sat in the loveseat. I sat beside Avery and saw that they were watching reruns of
Pretty Little Liars
on TV.

“So what’s the plan for tonight?” I asked, breaking the silence with confidence. “Anything special?”

“We didn’t have plans,” Avery said, “but we can make some if you want. I don’t really know my way around here. My aunts have season bus passes that we could use to go anywhere.”

“I don’t feel like going out,” Melissa said sternly from the chair, looking unhappy. “I just want to stay in tonight if that’s okay with you guys.” There was something about the way she said it that made me really reconsider talking to her about it tonight. Maybe there was something on her mind that she needed to get out.

“That’s fine,” I told Avery, “we do not need to go out, I was just wondering if we had any plans, is all.” I glanced at Melissa and said, “Do you want to come outside with me for a minute?”

Even though she looked unsure, she got up anyway, walking with me out the front door and onto the porch. Outside, snow was falling and the sun was beginning to set behind the houses in front of us. I took a seat on the bench and she sat on the chair, trying to avoid me. Staring at her, I said, “Something’s wrong.”

She nodded. “Something is wrong, Cyril. I won’t deny that.”

“What is it?’ I asked. “You know you can tell me anything. I love you.”

Melissa looked away, tears forming in her eyes, and cried. “That’s the problem. I don’t want you to love me.”

Her words hurt but didn’t make any sense. “Why don’t you want me to love you?”

She shook her head quickly. “It’s not that simple. I can’t just come right out and say it. I don’t want to hurt you.”

I understood her reasoning, but she was also hurting me by not explaining. I stood up and got down on my knees in front of her, taking her hands in mine. “You can tell me, ‘Lissa. I promise I won’t be mad.”

She wiped the tears from her eyes and said softly, “I want to see other people.”

My heart stopped right in my chest and for a second I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It felt as if she had just stabbed me right then and there, and was telling me I wasn’t good enough. Melissa actually believed I wasn’t good enough! As if she knew what I was thinking, she added, “It’s not you, Cyril, it’s me…”

“Yeah!” I shouted. “That’s what they all say! What is it about me that you don’t like?”

She stood up as I jumped up, backing away from her. Anger surged through my body, causing me to shake. Why was she doing this now? What made her think that this was the right time to talk about it? But in truth, I asked for it and she gave me an answer. Finally, the biggest question ran through my mind.

“Who is it?”

She stared at me in astonishment. “What makes you think there’s someone else?”

“Because there is!” I shouted. “I can tell by the way you avoided the question. Who is it, Melissa? Who out there is so much better than me?”

Melissa was crying softly and said, “Please don’t make me tell you. I’m not ready to—”

“Tell me!” My blood was boiling inside of me, ready to burst. And my heart sank when she spoke her next words.

“Eve.”

For a moment her answer didn’t register. I thought that maybe she thought I asked another question, or that I heard her incorrectly, but I knew deep down I didn’t. She really said what I thought said. When I didn’t say anything, she cried harder. I wanted to hug her because I knew what this meant. Melissa wasn’t leaving me because she didn’t love me. She was leaving me because…

“I’m a lesbian,” Melissa said and my whole world collapsed.

Young love,

While seemingly perfect,

Is never what it seems.

Young love,

While seemingly beautiful,

Is an enemy in disguise.

Young love,

While seemingly lovely,

Can kill in a heartbeat, sending others into oblivion.

Young love,

While seeming much like forever

Can end in a single goodbye,

Leaving the rest to their pain,

Sending others into heartache,

Making life collapse in a single breath.

Despite what we wish,

Love never lasts

FOREVER…

Melissa cried onto my shoulder as I held her, wanting to cry but not saying a single word. There was nothing to say after a shocking revelation like this. At that time, I wanted to blame her. I wanted to blame Melissa for leading me on, making me think we had a future, and making me think she loved me.

Looking back on it now, I realize that she did love me—just not in the way that she wanted herself to. Even if she was in support of gay people, she did not want to be one herself, and I think for a long time she lead herself to believe that she really loved me. All around her everyone was fooled and eventually she fooled herself.

Until she met Eve.

Finding out your girlfriend is a lesbian tends to make things a little more complicated than you wish they were, but it was the honest to God truth and I could see it in her eyes when she spoke. There was so much pain, so much guilt, so much heartache, and I couldn’t ever hate her for telling me the truth. Six months ago I would have told her to fuck off, but now all I could do was think about her happiness. I wanted her to be happy, and if I didn’t make her happy, she deserved someone who did. And I told her so.

I don’t know how long we sat on the porch wrapped in each other’s arms, staring off at the sky, but it felt nice. I knew right then that this would be the last time I got to feel Melissa this close to me and my heart ached knowing that fact. After a couple more minutes, she pulled away, wiping her eyes. I couldn’t help but laugh at the eyeliner smeared across her face and she laughed, too, lightening the mood just a little.

Finally, she whispered, “Thank you for understanding.” It was so soft that at first I thought I imagined but, but with the way she stared at me, I knew she was expecting a response.

“You’re welcome, ‘Lissa,” I said quietly. “I just…I wish it wasn’t like this. We’ve been together for so long…”

“I know,” she told me. “I really do. I wish there was some way I could force myself to be with you longer, but I can’t. It’s…it’s not who I am. I’d be lying if I said the thought of having sex with you turns me on. It just doesn’t…and I’m sorry.”

Understanding and accepting were two very different things, but at this moment, I found myself managing to do both. I’m not saying it was easy, because it certainly wasn’t, but it was something I needed to do, not only for Melissa, but for myself. I couldn’t be angry at her for this. Not at this point in my life. I didn’t want to take two steps back from accepting people as they were when I had already made so many steps forward.

“It’s okay,” I told her, feeling my own tears coming on. “Don’t get the waterworks going for me, though.”

She smiled through the tears. “Why, afraid you’ll lose your manliness?”

I smiled, too, despite the sadness. “Something like that.”

We held each other for a little while longer before we got too cold that our body heat couldn’t even fix. If she couldn’t be my girlfriend anymore, she could at least be my friend—one of my best friends—and I was not ready to lose her.

When we walked back into the house, Avery was curled up on the couch with a blanket and remote in hand. He half smiled at Melissa and then looked at me. “Did she tell you?”

It didn’t come as much of a shock that he already knew. “Yes,” I told him. “She sure did. And she’s my best friend no matter what.”

“Forever?” she asked.

I smiled kindly at her. “Forever.”

The rest of the week went by like any other week. The three of us were mostly anticipating the next Monday, when Avery would finally meet with Angela at a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts in Boston. Avery had spoken to her on the phone once to confirm the meeting, but the rest of the week we went on with our lives without hearing a thing.

I would bore you with all of the details, but that would make an extremely sucky memoir. Each day that week was the same—waking up, cooking breakfast, and going to doing something that none of us have been able to do while living in a suburban area. We went to art galleries, malls, and museums and we all enjoyed it very much.

Sunday night, we were in the living room in the guesthouse preparing for the next morning. I was excited, but Melissa and I both came to a conclusion of our own.

“We want you to go alone,” I told Avery.

His eyes lit up with confusion. “Why?”

“We feel like it’ll be better for you,” Melissa chimed in, “for you to go alone. It will seem more professional that way. We’ll go with you, but we’ll sit at the table behind you and listen. That way Angela thinks you’re alone, but we get to hear it all.”

Avery smiled brightly. “Thank you guys. I appreciate it a lot. I think tomorrow is going to be a good day, and will be the first day in the beginning of my life as an author.”

If I knew then what I knew now, maybe I could have done something different. Then I could have stopped the drama from coming our way—or maybe what was going to happen was inevitable and stopping it would create a storm of Fates to come down and destroy us all.