Before Jamaica Lane (12 page)

‘Hey.’ I slipped in at his side and spotted my glass of whisky on the bar. ‘Mine?’

‘Yeah, I was bringing it over.’

‘No need.’ I grabbed it and tipped its contents down my throat, my eyes watering with the burn. I patted my chest and gave a little cough. ‘Woo!’ The burn began to dissipate, leaving a nice heat that rose in my chest. Leaning over the bar and ignoring Adam, who was staring at me like he’d never seen me before, I tapped Alistair, Jo and Joss’s ex-colleague, on the shoulder. He turned from pouring a pint and smiled in recognition.

‘Olivia, what can I get for you?’

‘Another Talisker and ginger ale on the rocks.’ I slapped the money on the counter. ‘Keep the change.’

He took the money with one hand while he slid the pint to his customer.

‘Eh, are you okay?’ Adam frowned at me.

I nodded rapidly. ‘Never better.’ I cut a look at my target out of the corner of my eye to make sure he was still there.

Yup.

Okay.

I sucked in a deep breath, trying to tamp down the riot of nerves in my belly.

Turning my head as if I were casually checking out the club, I let my eyes pass over him and then come back. He caught the movement and looked at me, a spark of interest in his eyes.

That was good.

I smiled and he smiled back.

That was better.

Leaning around the bar so my cleavage became a bit of a focal point, I asked, ‘I’ve seen you around the library, right?’

The blond stepped closer to me and away from his friends, still smiling as he checked me out. His gaze dropped to my chest for a few seconds longer than was polite and then came back to my face. ‘Library?’

‘The university. I’m a librarian there. You’re a postgrad, right?’

His grin widened. ‘No, but now I wish I was. I don’t
remember librarians like you when I was at university.’ He had a sexy English accent and definitely seemed interested.

I might actually pass the test.

‘Here you go, Olivia.’ Alistair slid my drink toward me and as he did I met Adam’s eyes. He was looking between me and the guy as if unsure of whether I’d invited the attention or not. To reassure him I smiled, gave a flirty shrug, and deliberately turned back to my target.

‘So it’s Olivia?’ He’d braced an elbow on the bar, bringing our bodies closer. So close that even in heels I was tipping my head back to look into his eyes.

‘Yeah. And you are?’

‘Will.’ He held out a hand for me to shake, which I did, quite liking the feel of his strong hand wrapped around mine.

Yeah, I could definitely do this.

‘Is that an American accent?’ His eyes searched my face with interest.

‘Yeah. I was raised in the States, but my dad’s Scottish, so we moved back recently.’

‘How do you like it?’

I grinned and answered honestly, ‘It’s been great so far.’

Will dipped his head, his blue eyes glittering with sexual intent that surprised me. It shouldn’t have, since that’s what I was hoping for, but still … I didn’t feel that comfortable if I was honest with myself. I didn’t
know this guy and I didn’t know how he’d react to harmless flirting. For some people there was a fine line between feeling flirted with and feeling like you were being sexually led on. Especially if you were in fact just an experiment … and were indeed being led on. ‘This is going to sound really forward and cheesy, but has anyone ever told you that you have the most amazing eyes?’

Yes. Nate Sawyer did. And it sounded a lot better coming from him
.

I looked down and then glanced back up at him from under my lashes. ‘Thank you,’ I murmured and then casually twisted my head to look back over at my friends.

Nate was standing near the table, but a short, slender and well-formed blonde was practically pressed up against him, and he dipped his head to her ear to be heard over the music, his lips brushing her skin.

I shivered, feeling cold, and the nerves in my stomach turned to ash.

He wasn’t even aware that I was doing well on his test. There was a pretty blonde girl with slim hips and a gorgeous face pressing her body against his, so why would he be aware of anything
I
was doing? Heat, and this time I was pretty sure it was the heat of hurt and anger, burned under my skin, and I looked away, only to catch Jo’s eye. She stared at me for a second and then glanced back at Nate. When she returned her attention to me, I could see the concern in her expression, so I
smiled at her like I hadn’t a care in the world and turned back to Will.

He was frowning.

Great.

‘Is that your boyfriend?’ he asked, tipping his chin in Nate’s direction.

‘No.’ I rushed to assure him. ‘They’re all just my friends.’

Relaxing, he said, ‘So you are single?’

‘I’m single.’ So single it wasn’t funny. ‘You are, right?’

‘Hard to believe it, but yeah.’ He gave a little self-deprecating laugh, and I relaxed too, liking his answer.

‘So, what is it you do, Will?’

‘I’m an engineer.’

Intrigued, I took a sip of my whisky, nursing it now that I felt more calm. ‘Tell me about that.’

And as it turned out that was pretty much the way to a guy’s heart. Or at least to Will’s. For the next thirty minutes I asked about him, his interests, his work, his hobbies, all the while smiling and giving him the impression that everything he said was fascinating.

I had him eating out of my hand.

However, if it hadn’t been a test I’d have given up ten minutes before then. I kept waiting for Will to ask me questions about myself, but for the most part he seemed happy to revel in my attention.

Getting bored, I shrugged with mock reluctance. ‘I really should get back to my friends … but …’
Be brave, Soda Pop
. ‘Can … can I have your number?’

Will grinned and held out his hand. ‘Give me your phone.’

Opening my clutch, I pulled out my cell and felt the relief swamp me as Will typed his number into it. When he handed it back to me, he curled his hand around mine and gently tugged me forward, holding me to him as his head descended.

I stood frozen as he pressed his mouth to mine.

Then Nate and his blonde popped into my head and I angrily let my lips part.

Will kissed me, his tongue lightly touching mine.

It wasn’t a bad kiss. In fact, technically he was a good kisser.

But I felt nothing.

Pulling back, I smiled a little shyly, which he seemed to like, and I said, ‘I’ll call you.’

Once he let me go, I ignored the grins his friends threw me and turned on my heel to head back to my table.

Nate, no longer with the blonde, was watching me with an unfathomable expression on his face. My eyes quickly darted over him to the others. Cam and Adam were grinning boyishly at me, Ellie was biting her lip to stem her own immature little smile, and Jo looked confused.

‘What was that?’ she asked, looking at my phone.

I waved it, and filled my voice with amusement and nonchalance as I replied, ‘I got myself a number.’ My eyes flicked to Nate and he gave a chin lift, silently beckoning me to him.

I sat down next to him and waited, but he didn’t say anything until the others started talking among themselves. ‘Enjoy yourself?’ he asked quietly, his eyes searching mine.

I shrugged. ‘I passed your little test.’

His dark eyes flicked back to the bar, where Will was still standing with his friends. I waited for some kind of reaction, but his expression was blank when he turned back to me. ‘I didn’t say you had to kiss a stranger.’

‘No. But I did.’

‘Seems I’ve got an overachiever on my hands.’

I shrugged.

We were quiet for the rest of the night, I think mostly because I was lost in my own thoughts. When it was time to head home, as usual Nate insisted on walking me. I hugged the girls good-bye and said good night to the guys, then followed Nate down George Street in the gorgeous heels that were starting to pinch.

‘So …’ I tried for breezy. ‘It looked like you got a number tonight.’

‘The blonde.’

I snorted. ‘Is that her name?’

He slanted me ‘a look.’ ‘It’s the only name I need to know.’

In that moment I really had to try to remember why he was the way he was so I didn’t call him on his asshattery. Tonight he would drop me off at my flat and then he’d call up the blonde girl, go meet her wherever, screw her, leave her, and then delete her number from his phone.

It was not a good way to live, but it was the way he chose to live, and I had to respect his decisions. If he was just your regular old player I’d give him a lecture until his ears bled, but every time I thought of it now, I thought of the tattoo he had inscribed across his chest.

The closer we got to my flat, however, the more uneasy I grew, and as I remembered the hurt and fury that had ripped through me at the sight of him flirting with the blonde, it occurred to me that maybe it wasn’t that I was uneasy at his choices, but at the thought of him leaving me to go screw some stranger.

I didn’t even want to analyze that.

Yet, as we came to a stop outside my building, I found myself saying his name quietly.

‘Aye?’ he asked, shoving his hands in his pants pockets.

Staring into his handsome face, I reached somewhere deep within me for the courage I needed to ask him the question that had been burning inside me since we’d kissed. I led with, ‘When we kissed it helped.’

He gazed back at me, waiting silently for me to make my point.

I cleared my throat, taking a mental bat to the swarm of butterflies that had erupted in my belly. ‘I felt better,’ I said, attempting to explain. ‘I felt … more confident.’

‘What are you trying to say, Liv?’

Where was another whisky when I needed it?

‘Um.’ I wet my suddenly dry lips. ‘I want you … I want you to teach me how to be … good at sex.’

Nate’s focus sharpened and he asked with a surprising calmness, ‘In theory or in practice?’

‘Practice.’

The silence between us stretched so long that my butterflies were now multiplying at an unbelievable rate. Mortification and regret mingled as I began to feel awful for even asking, for putting him in that position. ‘Nate –’

‘How much have you had to drink?’

A little affronted at the insinuation, I shook my head quickly. ‘I’ve only had a few whiskies. I’m not drunk.’ I took an apologetic step toward him. ‘Look, I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable. I didn’t mean to. We can –’

Nate pressed a silencing finger against my lips and I abruptly shut up. ‘You are one of my closest friends. I don’t want to do anything that might ruin that.’

Ignoring certain feelings – and by ‘ignoring’ I mean shoving them into the deep, dark depths of me – I concentrated purely on the thought of my own chrysalis as I hurried to assure him. ‘If I promised it wouldn’t, would you think about it? I just … I want to feel like I know what I’m doing. If I do, I feel like I’d be able to approach Benjamin with confidence, knowing that if he said yes to a date and afterward, if the date went
there
, it wouldn’t be this traumatic, nerve-racking thing for me. I trust you, Nate. And it wouldn’t exactly be a hardship,’ I added with a small smile, which he returned with one of his own.

‘So, let’s get this straight. You want me to fuck you in order to teach you how to fuck another guy?’

‘You make it sound so sordid.’

With a sigh, he leaned forward and pressed a sweet kiss to my forehead. ‘Go to bed, babe. If you still feel the same way in the morning, ask me again.’

‘It was hard enough asking you the first time,’ I muttered under my breath as I turned to unlock the door to my building.

Nate heard and I felt his strong hand on my hip, his heat at my back as his breath whispered over my ear. ‘It was brave, Liv.’

I looked back at him, a small grateful smile on my lips.

‘Dutch courage or real courage, I guess we’ll find out tomorrow,’ Nate said.

And then he was gone, and the cold wind rushed over my skin as he left me unprotected at the door. I hurried inside, my heart fluttering as though a thousand of the butterflies in my stomach had escaped into my chest to cause havoc there too.

Those butterflies kept me company the whole damn time I struggled to fall asleep that night.

I did drift off to sleep, waking up a little after noon, just in time to shower, get dressed, and wait for Dad to stop by the apartment and walk with me to Elodie and Clark’s for Sunday lunch.

In the hours before sleep, though, I had time to really think, as Nate suggested.

I came to one conclusion: I wanted to see this through. I even felt I had to. But … what I hadn’t considered when I blurted out my request to Nate was our friends. We were a pretty tight group, and although I was sure Nate and I could contain it, I was a little worried about any impact that this would have on the dynamics of our group. I was also more than a little worried that I was overly confident in my belief that Nate and I should jump into this deal and it would all be okay.

But I
really
wanted to see this through. The truth was I didn’t believe I was ever meant to be an insecure person, and that was because for the most part I wasn’t. I believed in my own intelligence; I believed in my own common sense; I believed that my personality, albeit quirky, was a good one; I believed that I was capable; I believed that I could do whatever I set my mind to.
I wanted to believe that if someone didn’t like me, then that someone wasn’t worthy of my time.

I believed in
me
.

I believed in all the things written within me, I’d just somehow along the way stopped believing in my book jacket. I don’t know why. But I don’t think that was ever meant to happen. I don’t think I was ever meant to be the kind of person who questions her own adequacy; who allows anyone to make her think she’s lacking in some way.

But there I was. That’s how I felt.

And I was tired of moaning and whining and complaining about it to myself. I’d watched my beautiful young mother battle through cancer and lose that fight. Life was short. Too short to spend it hating a part of yourself, and not doing something to get your confidence back. Too short to not be
living
it.

Sex was a massive part of life and living. I felt unqualified in it and there was someone who could give me a little practical experience to build my confidence and take me closer to that woman I believed I was always meant to be.

So, after lunch, I had every intention of calling Nate and asking him my question again. There was no fire from the whisky to keep my courage ablaze. There was just me and my determination to become a woman who liked herself … all the way through.

Turns out, I didn’t need to wait until after lunch to ask my question.

Not only did Elodie have an extra person to feed in Dee, but Nate had dropped by Cam’s earlier that day to hang out, and he ended up with an invitation to Sunday roast as well. Not that Elodie cared. With the Nichols family it was always ‘the more, the merrier.’

It did mean, however, that I found myself standing outside on Elodie and Clark’s tiny terrace at the back of their house, enjoying a warm spring day with Jo while the others were inside.

I was waiting for Nate, and my nerves were jumping all over the place. Thinking of the moment when I’d have to repeat my request to him, I nervously chugged an entire glass of water.

‘Are you okay, Liv?’

I glanced, wide-eyed, at Jo. She was watching me, appearing concerned.

‘You seem wired.’

Taking in her expectant expression, I suddenly wanted to tell her everything. The words crawled up my throat and got stuck as my heart pounded hard.

‘Liv?’

For all my determination, I grew very unsure as I gazed at my friend. What if Nate and I starting this thing really was a bad idea for us all? ‘I have this friend,’ I blurted out. ‘From work. He laid this dilemma on me and you know what I’m like, I like to have the right answer.’

Jo grew thoughtful. ‘Okay. What’s the dilemma?’

‘He has this group of friends. They’re all close, but
there’s a girl in that group that he likes and they both want each other, but with their histories they don’t know where something between them could lead. They’re also worried how it’ll affect their group.’

I tensed when I finished talking, attempting to pretend that Jo didn’t look as if she didn’t believe for one second the dilemma was the dilemma of a colleague. I waited for her to call me out.

‘Well’ – she heaved a sigh – ‘I think if your friend likes this girl he should go for it.’

Relief flooded me and I felt myself relax. Jo wasn’t going to out me.

Great.

‘You think?’

A reassuring little smile played on her lips. ‘If he really wants to go there and it feels right for him, then he should. No one knows where a relationship is ever going to lead. We go into these things blind and as it progresses, as you get to know each other, the light starts streaming in. As for the group of friends … well, if they’re as close as you say they are, then they’ll understand. They’ll go with it and they’ll handle it, whatever happens.’

I drew in my breath as Jo reached for my hand. Her eyes told me she saw through my subterfuge, and the comforting squeeze she gave me told me she had my back.

I sort of, kind of, loved the heck out of her in that moment.

‘There you are,’ Cam said as he slid open the French doors and stepped out onto the patio, followed by Nate.

I smiled in greeting, my nerves starting up again at the sight of Nate, and I let him, Jo, and Cam carry the conversation as they sipped chilled glasses of Coke.

‘Peetie and I were talking about visiting home for a long weekend in a few weeks’ time,’ Cam said to Nate. ‘We thought all of us’ – he gestured to everyone – ‘could go. We could rent a house, split it six ways.’

‘Six?’ Nate frowned.

‘Well, me, Jo, you, Liv, Peetie, and Lyn. Of course Cole will be with us, too.’

Nate turned to me. ‘What do you think? Fancy meeting my folks?’

Inside my head there was a small version of me jumping up and down with glee and excitement at the prospect of meeting Nate’s parents, seeing where he came from, and delving further into the history that had created the man I’d come to know. On the outside I gave a nonchalant nod and an agreeable smile. ‘Sounds good.’

‘Great.’ Jo reached for the sliding doors. ‘I’ll start looking into finding us somewhere to rent.’

She and Cam moved inside to the empty dining room, Cam holding the door open for us. Nate shook his head. ‘We’ll be in soon.’

That meant he wanted to speak to me alone.

I sucked in a breath as Jo and Cam disappeared.

Nate didn’t say a thing.

A minute passed.

Two.

Finally I huffed, ‘Are you going to make me say it?’

‘Depends.’ He smirked at me, but I noticed there was something careful in his eyes, something a little like apprehension. ‘What is it you’re going to say?’

Glancing back at the door, I made sure we were definitely alone before I spoke. ‘I wasn’t drunk last night.’

There was no hint of humor on Nate’s face as he replied, ‘You trust me to do this with you, but I’ve got to trust that you won’t try to make this into anything more than a friend helping out another friend.’

Okay, so deep down in that dark place where I’d shoved it last night there was a little thing called jealousy that had reared its ugly head when Nate took that girl’s number. But that was just a blip and I could get a handle on it. I was attracted to Nate, yes, and yes, I cared about him, but I had a big old crush on Benjamin, not Nate, and Benjamin was the goal here.

Trying to bring a little levity to the conversation, I said, ‘I’m sure I’ll somehow manage
not
to fall for you.’

His left dimple flashed in and out. ‘I’m sure that’ll be easy for you.’

‘I’d like to point out something.’

‘Point away.’

‘I know you’re used to getting laid. But I’m offering a chance here for
completely
hassle-free sex. It can’t be too much of a hardship.’

‘No.’ He smiled suggestively. ‘Not a hardship at all.’ For a moment he was silent as he contemplated my proposition. He looked back at the door, making certain we were still alone. ‘Well, if we’re doing this, I’ll get myself checked out and I promise not to fuck around with anyone else during … our lessons.’ I knew I didn’t keep my surprise at his offer off my face because he scowled immediately. ‘Babe, if you’re going to start up a sex life, be smart about it. I get checked every three months, and when the time comes for you and this Benjamin guy, make sure he’s clean before you start anything up. I’m not due for a checkup for a few weeks, but I’ll move it up for you. Maybe you should think about going on the pill.’

Now that we were discussing particulars my heart had joined in the conversation and it was
loud
. It thumped, thumped, thumped behind my rib cage, determined to let me know that it was freakin’ out slightly. I willed it to chill. ‘I’m already on it. It regulates my … you know.’ I couldn’t control the blushing.

Nate closed the gap between us so his chest grazed mine. ‘Not rethinking your proposition already, are you?’

Uh
…

‘No.’ I forced my courage back to the fore. ‘I just want to clarify that you understand what you’re getting into. I mean, I know I was being all cocky about you getting regular sex and it not being a hardship, but the truth is this isn’t a casual sex arrangement. This is you … teaching me …
stuff
.’

Nate’s eyes instantly brightened with mirth and he repeated quietly, ‘Stuff?’

My cheeks burned. ‘Stuff.’

‘Stuff?’

I looked around us, watching for listening ears. Finding none, I looked back into his eyes, ignoring the awareness that tingled across my body as our chests brushed. ‘How to … how to please you,’ I muttered under my breath.

A glitter of heat entered his eyes as they dipped to my mouth. The air around us changed. I felt my breasts swell, and that all-too-familiar arousal between my legs.

My breathing hitched.

As did Nate’s.

I felt his warm hand on my hip and he gave me a hard squeeze before stepping back, allowing the oxygen to flow freely into my lungs again. ‘This is the wrong place to tease you.’ His voice was low, thick with … sex?

He was just as turned on as I was.

Surprised, I gave him a nod, brushing my hair back from my face. ‘Yeah. We should … we should go in.’

‘You go on.’ He gestured to the door. ‘I’ll be in, in a second.’

My hand was on the doorknob and I was just about to step inside when his voice, wrapped around my name, stopped me in my tracks.

‘Yeah?’ I looked back at him over my shoulder.

‘We’ll start tonight.’ Nate’s expression was filled with
sexual promise that sent a shiver coursing down my spine as though he’d trailed a finger down my naked back. ‘I’ll come by your place around nine.’

I could barely eat at dinner.

And now it was eight fifty in the evening and Nate was due at my apartment in ten minutes. I was hoping that as soon as he walked through the door some of the nerves would at least give way to anticipation, because all I was feeling at the moment was anxious. Thankfully it was a massive step up from the fear I knew I’d be feeling if it was Benjamin I was expecting to walk through that door. With Nate there was an element of safety because I knew him so well. I knew he would never hurt me or make me feel stupid or ugly or anything negative. He was the perfect tutor to walk me through this because I trusted him completely.

I’d showered when I got home and then put on a light layer of makeup. Under my slacks and shirt I was wearing my favorite set of lingerie. It was white satin edged in lace and it looked nice against my olive skin. I was hoping it would distract him from my belly and my flabby thighs.

‘Do not use the word “flabby,” ’ I admonished myself, remembering Nate’s warning.

Not really knowing how to act or what to do, I hurried around the apartment trying to tidy the piles of books and copies of Nate’s review magazine I had lying everywhere. I wondered if perhaps we needed some
mood music, and turned on the radio. Then I immediately decided that was a bad idea since it wasn’t me, and Nate would know it wasn’t me and guess how much I was freaking out over the situation. So I turned on the television instead. Five minutes later I decided it suggested indifference and I didn’t want him to think I was indifferent either.

I was so busy flapping around like an idiot that when Nate rang my buzzer I ended up tripping over a pile of books, scrambled to my feet only to slide along my wooden floors on the socks I was wearing, and crashed against the buzzer. At least I hit the entry button. I opened my apartment door and took a deep breath.

Feeling sweaty and icky and not the least bit attractive, I frowned down at my socks and wondered why the hell I was wearing them in the first place. They were not sexy. I stooped to take them off, but the right one got stuck. I pulled and pulled, cursing the little mothereffer to hell as I hopped about on one foot. I’d just managed to peel the darn thing off when I hit my left ankle on the coffee table, taking a knock to a funny bone, and I went crashing down, whacking my head on the soft cushion of my couch.

‘Jesus, are you okay?’

Pushing back my hair, I gazed up wide-eyed at Nate, who was now standing in my doorway. ‘I’m fine,’ I told him breathlessly.

He shut the door behind him, his eyes roaming my body – probably for signs of injury. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Of course,’ I told him brightly and then realized I had a pair of sweaty socks in my hands. Not sexy. I stuffed them quickly under the couch and got to my feet, swaying a little with the rush of the movement.

Laughter curled the corner of his mouth as he shrugged out of his leather jacket. ‘Are you sure you’re okay to do this? We don’t have to.’

I ran a shaky hand through my hair. ‘I’m good. Honest.’

Crossing his arms over his chest, Nate braced his legs apart and studied me carefully. Finally drawing some kind of conclusion, he gave me a small nod. ‘Okay. Do you know how you want to start this thing?’

‘Well …’ I moved a tiny bit closer to him, finding some calm in his presence. ‘I was thinking we could work through the bases. We’ve already done first base and kind of second base …’