Before Jamaica Lane (25 page)

Laying the flowers I’d brought with me on the bedside table, I pulled up a chair. ‘I was worried.’

‘
Pfft
.’ He waved me off. ‘What’s a little coronary disease?’

I glared at him.

‘Aye, Sylvie didn’t think that was funny either.’

My lips twitched. ‘Don’t make me laugh. I’m trying to be stern.’

‘Stern?’ He huffed. ‘Stern? I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life and I have to cut out my favorite food. My entire life is going to be stern from now on. I don’t need stern from a pretty girl too.’

‘Fine,’ I agreed. ‘I won’t do stern.’ I glanced around the room in confusion. ‘Where is Sylvie?’

‘Och, I sent her home. She’s absolutely shattered. She wouldn’t leave me.’ He tutted. ‘Had to get my doctor to make her leave so she could get some rest. I’m going to pay for that later.’

I snorted. ‘I’ll bet.’

‘Nate’s downstairs getting coffee, if you were wondering …’

My gaze was sharp as our eyes met. ‘You know, don’t you?’

‘The two of you didn’t exactly do a bang-up job of hiding it when you came to visit. I am sad to hear it
didn’t work out, though … Which begs the question … What are you doing here?’

I answered belligerently, ‘Is a person not allowed to be worried about another person?’

‘Aye, of course. You being a nice girl, I think you probably were worried about me and that’s appreciated, but I think more than anything you’re worried about my son. Which makes two of us.’ His brows dipped in concern. ‘He misses you.’

‘I miss him too,’ I confessed softly.

A throat cleared behind me.

Turning, I discovered Nate standing in the doorway, stirring a cup of coffee. He pinned me to my seat with the weight of his stare.

‘Nate.’ I finally found my voice. ‘I just wanted to stop by and see how Nathan was doing. I should get going.’ I stood up.

‘Nonsense.’ Nathan stopped me, gesturing to me to sit down. ‘There’s still half an hour left. Sit. Talk.’ He looked up at his son. ‘Sit down.’

Nate looked like he wanted to laugh as he casually took the seat beside me.

My eyes, with a will of their own, traveled over the long sprawl of his legs. Tingles hit me unexpectedly as I lifted my gaze to his hands, continuing to stir his coffee. He had beautiful, masculine hands – graceful, strong fingers that were callused from work and judo. The soft roughness of his hands had always felt
wonderful. And the T-shirt he was wearing showed off his strong forearms. I looked quickly away from the thick vein that ran up his muscular arm. I’d licked the entire length of that vein with my tongue.

Hurriedly, before I expired on the spot, I turned my attention to Nathan.

He was smirking at me.

Great. Even sick, the guy could tease.

‘So how have you been, Olivia? Nate says you’re seeing someone.’ His tone had turned disapproving.

‘I’m not seeing someone,’ I answered irritably. Technically, I wasn’t seeing Ben. Yet.

Nate sat up. ‘You’re not?’

I flicked a look at him before directing my answer to his dad. ‘It’s just been a couple of dates.’

Nathan frowned. ‘That constitutes as seeing someone.’ He looked at his son. ‘What do you think?’

‘Agreed,’ he answered tersely. ‘And it definitely looked serious.’

Starting to feel uneasy, I exhaled. ‘Can we talk about something else?’

‘Why? Nothing else is as interesting.’

I groaned. I was
so
not ready to do battle with two Sawyer men. ‘Fine, then I should definitely go. Nathan, I’m so happy you’re going to be okay.’ I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his cheek, ignoring his bemused expression.

Not looking at Nate, I quickly exited the room.

‘Olivia, wait,’ Nate called as I hurried down the hospital corridor.

I did not wait.

That’s why I found myself caught in his hard grip and unceremoniously hauled into a dark janitor’s closet.

‘What are you doing?’ I hissed, feeling his breath against my cheek as he pressed me back against the door.

His answer was to kiss me.

I froze in shock at the move, but soon the shock wore off under the feel of warm, coaxing lips. Perhaps it helped that he wasn’t aggressive or fierce. His kiss was soft, yearning. My lips answered to that and I found myself kissing him back.

Nate pulled away first, panting heavily as he nuzzled my cheek, his hands iron bands around my biceps as he breathed me in. I was surrounded by him. The familiar strength of him, his scent, his taste on my tongue, even the slightly bristly feel of his cheek on mine.

I closed my eyes, tears clinging to my lashes.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the loss of him wasn’t the most painful thing in the world. As I stood there in his arms, knowing that he would never really be mine, it occurred to me that more than loss, it was the longing that hurt.

‘You’re the first person I thought of,’ he told me hoarsely, his words vibrating against my ear and causing an involuntary shiver. ‘The only one I wanted here with me.’

Swallowing past the burning, choking ball of unshed tears in my throat, I whispered, ‘I’m sorry I ignored your call.’

‘Don’t be. You came. That’s all that matters.’

Needing some kind of distance, some kind of break from the intensity between us, I cracked, ‘I think there’s an inappropriate joke in there somewhere.’

He laughed against my skin before pulling back. ‘Fuck, I’ve missed you, Liv.’

‘Nate.’ I pushed gently against him until he got the message. His hands dropped from around my arms, leaving me bereft. ‘I’m glad your dad is going to be okay, but I have to go.’

‘Liv, please –’

‘Ben’s waiting,’ I lied impulsively. I had this sudden fear that Nate’s calls and his confession that he missed me were leading somewhere. And I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do the right thing, so I wasn’t going to give him the chance to mess with my head. ‘I’m meeting him.’

He was quiet in the dark for a moment.

And then …

‘We need to talk.’

‘No. We really don’t.’ I fumbled for the door handle and managed to slip outside. He didn’t follow.

I took that to mean that he understood there was no point.

Apparently Nate didn’t take it to mean that at all.

I shouldn’t have been surprised really to find him waiting for me in my apartment when I got home from work that night. I slammed the door behind me and held out my palm. ‘I want my key back.’

Nate had stood up as soon as I walked in, and now he was prowling toward me with this playful look in his eyes. The way his dimples played peekaboo had my face scrunching up like a five-year-old preparing for a tantrum. I did not need him to be gorgeous and charming right now! I definitely did not need the dimples.

‘I swallowed the key.’

‘You didn’t swallow it. If you’d swallowed it I’d have come home to a corpse.’

Nate stopped with one eyebrow raised. ‘Should I be worried by how
not
upset you are at that prospect?’

My nostrils flared. I knew it. He was here to be charming.

I had to get him out!

‘Give me my key.’

Nate shrugged. ‘I can’t do that.’

‘You have to,’ I huffed indignantly. ‘It’s
my
key.’

‘Why are we still talking about the key?’

‘We’ve barely even started talking about the key.’ My right foot moved back as Nate moved forward, his lids lowering sexily over his eyes. It was his hunting look. ‘Nate –’

‘I love you.’

I froze, almost gasping from the words, words that were fists punching gaping holes in my chest.

While I was in shock Nate took advantage. He stopped, inches before me, not touching me but not really needing to. The heat from his body licked my skin.

‘My life has been hell without you,’ he confessed, his voice rough, his expression morose. ‘I thought I could do it. I thought I could lie to the both of us. But seeing you on the street last week with that guy and the little girl … It was a glimpse into the future. It didn’t hit me until right in that moment that walking away from you, from us, meant having to watch you be with someone else, have kids with someone else.’ He closed his eyes as if in pain. ‘It cut me to the quick to see you playing happy family with that guy. Christ, Liv, I couldn’t breathe.’

And I couldn’t do this. It wasn’t enough.

Shaking my head, I stepped to the side so he couldn’t back me into the corner. ‘Nate, you have to leave.’

Instead he studied me carefully. ‘You’re not ready to hear this yet,’ he concluded. ‘But I do need you to know that I’m going to fight for you. I’m not making the mistake of walking away from you again. The only man in
your future is me, Liv. The only kids in your future are mine.’ Nate opened my front door, dug into his pocket and produced my key. He held it out to me and I took it tentatively, confused by the action. ‘I don’t need to break into your life. You’ve put up a locked door between us and I understand why. But I’m going to stand outside it, bugging the absolute shit out of you.’ He smiled wryly. ‘Until you let me back in.’ His expression changed like a black cloud rolling in unexpectedly. ‘I’ll warn you, though – you let that Ben guy in the door … I’ll start fighting dirty.’

Before I could respond, Nate slipped out, leaving me split in two.

Part of me was desperate to call him back, to savor those three little words that spilled from his lips. Savor them over and over again.

The bigger part of me, however, knew it wasn’t enough. Maybe it was selfish, but I didn’t just want Nate to love me. I wanted him to love me the way I loved him. The kind of love that’s so big it would last beyond a lifetime.

The kind of love he had for Alana.

I don’t know what I expected. Nate always had such a laid-back approach to life that I wasn’t sure if he would really fight for me. Honestly, I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t because it would make it easier for me to keep saying no.

The day after his little visit to my apartment, however,
a basket of chocolates from my favorite chocolate boutique in the city was delivered to my work with a note from Nate:

We have a date with melted chocolate waiting in our future … I’m going to paint you with it and lick my fill until you … Well, what is it the French call it? La petite mort. I love you
.

Nate

Not only had he had no qualms about writing something like
that
on a gift card that the delivery person could see, but I also had to deal with my colleagues, who’d ripped the card out of my hands before I could stop them.

Angus grinned as he handed it back to me. ‘He used a French phrase for orgasm. That’s classy. I say he’s a keeper.’

‘He wrote about orgasms on an apology gift,’ I said, pointing out the obvious. ‘That’s classy?’

‘No, but it’s bloody hot,’ Jill chimed in, frowning at me. ‘Get back with him, you silly cow. Do you know how many men do stuff like this?’ She poked at the gorgeously wrapped basket of goodies. ‘Not many.’

I spent the rest of the day scowling at my basket of chocolates.

The next day a large gift-wrapped box arrived at work and I took it into the staff room to open in private. Of course as soon as Jill saw the box, she told Angus and Angus told Ronan and all privacy was obliterated. They’d stood behind me as I pulled off the black
satin ribbon and opened the pale pink box. Under layers of tissue I found a beautiful and very expensive black lace and satin bustier, matching high-cut panties, and silk stockings. They came with a card:

Beautiful, sexy, sensual. The underwear is nice too. I hope one day you’ll wear it for me, but if you don’t, I hope at least when you put it on you’ll see what I see in you when you look in the mirror. I love you. Nate
.

I’d ended up crying in the bathroom after that, cursing Nate Sawyer to hell and hoping that tomorrow wouldn’t bring another gift that would push me closer to opening that goddamn door. In a stupid effort to somehow outmaneuver him I called Benjamin that night and arranged to meet him for coffee after work the next day at his favorite café, not far from the library. The hope being that his presence would remind me that life didn’t begin and end with Nate and I
could
move on.
I could, I could, I could, I could
.

The day after, I was manning the help desk when security came over with another package for me. This time it was a small parcel with an envelope attached. My heart thumping, I ignored Wendy, who was working beside me, and opened it.

A Blu-Ray disc of
The Wizard of Oz
.

Tears pricked my eyes and I felt strangely nervous as I fumbled for the envelope. Taking a deep breath, I began to read the handwritten letter from Nate.

Dear Liv
,

It’s time we upgraded your favorite movie to this century, even if it is
The Wizard of Oz.

And just so you know: If you were a movie you’d be
The Godfather –
I could watch you over and over and over and over again because … well, you’re my favorite
.

I miss you
.

I miss our Would You Rather conversations and your hilarious answers. I miss your laugh. I miss the way I feel when I make you laugh. Like I just won something really important. I miss just sitting with you in perfect, silent understanding. I miss the way you never judge anyone. It’s such a rare find, Liv. And I miss watching how kind you are with everyone. I miss being able to call you and talk to you about random shit and important shit
.

I miss my best friend
.

I miss you
.

I love you
.

Nate

Shaking, I pulled my cell out of my pocket, hoping Angus would understand that I needed to make a personal call and make it pronto.

Jo picked up, sounding out of breath. ‘Hey, Liv, can I call you back? I’m in the middle of pasting wallpaper and I need to get it up on the wall quite quickly.’

‘Well, I’ll be quick. Tell Nate to stop sending me gifts. We’re over.’

She was silent a moment. ‘Can’t you tell him yourself?’

‘No, he’s … I can’t be around him. Please tell him to just back off. Please.’

‘Liv, the reason you don’t want to see him is because you care about him and being around him makes you less hurt and more susceptible to giving him a shot. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.’

‘You’re wrong,’ I told her haughtily. ‘I’ve moved on. I’m meeting Ben for coffee after work at Black Medicine.’

‘The one on Nicolson Street?’ Jo asked sharply.

‘Yes. I think I might even suggest we take things to the next level.’

‘Well, I hope for Ben’s sake you’re not just trying to piss Nate off. Because he actually sounds like a nice guy and he doesn’t deserve to be messed around.’ Jo sighed. ‘I’ve got to go.’

She hung up, clearly annoyed, and that only made me feel like shit.

I’d feel less bad about the fact that I’d disappointed her roughly five hours later …

‘What the hell are you doing here?’ I hissed up at Nate.

He stood between me and Ben with his hand on the back of my chair and I saw the hardness in his eyes before he shook it out to turn to my friend with a congenial smile. He held out his hand to Ben. ‘I’m Nate. We met briefly before.’

Tucked in the back of Black Medicine, this quirky, gorgeous little café with naturally cut wooden furniture that wouldn’t be amiss on the set of a
Lord of the Rings
movie, I’d been in the middle of telling Ben about my Nate woes when the handsome bastard had suddenly appeared as if conjured.

But I knew he wasn’t conjured.

Jo had given up my location.

I was going to kill her.

Ben blinked, clearly as surprised as I was to see Nate there. He took in Nate’s offered hand and slowly reached forward to clasp it with his own. ‘Good to meet you,’ Ben answered quietly, his expression assessing.

‘So –’ Nate made a
tsk
sound with his teeth ‘I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I need to talk to Liv.’

My mouth fell open at his audacity. ‘Are you out of your mind?’

When his gaze slid back to me, the hardness was in it again and I realized quickly that it was annoyance.
He
was annoyed with
me
? Was he kidding me? ‘You and I have unfinished business,’ he replied softly. ‘I don’t think it’s fair to drag Benny boy here into it.’

Ben cleared his throat. ‘With the exception of the condescending nickname, he has a point.’ Ben shifted, pulling his wallet out. I stared in horror as he put a five-pound note on the table to cover his coffee.

‘You’re actually leaving?’ I hissed.

His lips curled up in beleaguered acceptance. ‘You’ve just spent the last fifteen minutes telling me about all the
ways this guy has spent the past week trying to convince you that he’s in love with you. I think you need to talk it out with him instead of me.’ He smiled kindly before shooting Nate a warning look. His green eyes flicked back to me. ‘Call me later to let me know you’re okay.’

My eyes narrowed on him. ‘I don’t talk to traitors.’

Ben snorted, shaking his head at me. ‘Just call me.’ And with that he left me.

Nate didn’t bother to watch him leave. He just slid into the chair Ben had vacated and shuffled it so close to mine that our legs were touching. I pushed my chair back, readying to leave. Nate’s arm shot out, his hand taking hold of my wrist. ‘Liv, please.’

Our eyes clashed in a war of wills, and unfortunately my will was severely dented by the pleading warmth of his gaze. Sighing, I tugged my hand gently out of his grasp and shifted back toward the table, but made sure that we were no longer touching. ‘You have five minutes.’

His eyes searched my face for a moment, like he was cataloguing every feature, and there was something so vulnerable and open about his expression that my heart immediately began to pound. Nate leaned forward, his voice low as he said, ‘That night at Cam’s … the redhead.’

I flinched, my expression shuttering.

I didn’t really want to talk about the fact that while my heart was breaking Nate was out there getting over me by getting other women under him.

‘I didn’t sleep with her,’ he hurried to assure me, his words almost desperate. ‘Liv, I haven’t been with another woman since you.’

Snorting, I casually took a sip of my coffee even though I felt anything but casual about our conversation. ‘Right,’ I muttered sardonically, setting my cup back on its saucer.

‘I would never lie to you about that.’

At his hard, indignant tone I looked up at his face and found he was angry. I raised an eyebrow at his expression. ‘You’re mad because I don’t believe you? Really, Nate? I asked you point-blank if you were in love with me, you said no, and now weeks later you’re saying yes. And you wonder why I’m struggling to believe a word you say?’

For a moment I thought he wasn’t going to answer. Clearly attempting to keep his impatience in check, Nate exhaled heavily before replying. ‘That night was the only night I’ve ever lied to you. More than that, I was lying to myself. I didn’t want to fall for you. You, more than anyone, know that. But I did. And I’m man enough to admit that it scared the absolute shit out of me. It still does.’ He reached for me, his hand resting gently on my knee as his eyes bored into mine. ‘There’s been no one since you because I don’t want anyone else. You’ve ruined me for anyone else.’ His hand coasted lightly up my thigh, and unfortunately that mere touch elicited a hundred memories of sensual caresses. Lust must have flared in my eyes, because I
saw Nate’s gaze sharpen as he caught it. ‘I miss you, babe. I miss everything about you.’ His fingers started tracing circles on my leg and I felt trapped, unable to move as my body began to hum with the memories. Nate’s eyes darkened with heat as they scanned down my body and back up to my lips. ‘I miss your mouth,’ he confessed hoarsely. ‘I miss your tongue. I miss the feel of it against mine. I miss the feel of it on my skin.’ He leaned in even closer so all I could see and smell was him. ‘I miss your mouth wrapped around my cock.’

My breath left me, blood rushing in my ears as his words cast a sexual spell over me.

His fingers continued to draw their lazy pattern on my thigh. ‘I miss your breasts, Liv, and the feel and taste of your nipples. I miss the way they pucker up for me, for my thumb, for my tongue … and how me just touching your tits makes you so fucking wet.’ He groaned at the thought and his hand suddenly tightened over my thigh. ‘I miss that. You drenched and hot and tight around me as I pump into you. The feel of your nails digging into my back, your thighs gripping me tight, your eyes on mine.’